15 - A THIN FLAME #3
Ricardo cleared his throat. He had them. He held them crumpled in one hand and extended them toward me like he was returning a handkerchief.
"Thank you," I said politely.
Thank you, young man, for handing me back my wet panties after staring at my swollen sex. Please excuse me while I disintegrate.
I lifted my hips and pulled them back on. I stood. Ricardo scrambled to his feet.
"Janice." My voice was small. "I need to go."
She didn't startle. She turned to the woman, who had waited through all of it with a patient half-smile, like she had seen this before.
"Thank you, love," Janice said, and leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth that was still wet with her juices.
The woman drew back, smiled, and curtsied. "No, thank you, mistress."
She walked away, easy and unconcerned.
I watched the curtsy and felt something break in my chest that wasn't quite a laugh. She went down on Janice and then she curtsied. I was Alice in Pornoland.
I took a breath that didn't quite fill my lungs.
Ricardo had his footing back. He turned to me, hands held slightly out. "Lacey, I'm sorry if I did something."
"No. Ricardo. No." I put my hand over his, just for a second. "I just shouldn't have come."
Janice's voice came in gentle. "Lacey, it's just a lot. We can take it easy. We can sit, we can have a drink, you don't have to go."
I shook my head. "I can get a taxi. I don't want to ruin your night more than I already have."
I looked around. As far as I could tell I was making no scene at all.
The room was indifferent to my private apocalypse.
Were they not looking on purpose, because they had clocked the whole thing and were being polite?
Or were they not looking because there had never been anything to look at?
I didn't know which was worse. I was Nobody here, which probably made it safe to leave.
"No, it's okay," Janice said. "I'll take you back."
The guilt arrived almost on schedule. I should have known. I had known. I had ruined Janice's night. I had ruined whatever this was supposed to be with Ricardo. I had walked into the room and I had been a disaster in it, and now the two people who had come here for me were leaving with me.
I shook my head. I didn't have words for any of it.
Ricardo's composure had come back more fully now. The gallant version of him I'd met at the café slid into place. He took my hand briefly.
"Not at all, Lacey," he said. "You are just new to this. It is too intense, all at once. Please accept my apologies for not being more sensitive to your—" He paused. "Innocence?"
He said the word slowly, like he liked the taste of it.
It sent a thrill through me. His mouth. That mouth, almost on me a minute ago. I stepped back, with effort. I had been staring.
I just shook my head. "Ricardo. You are a gorgeous man."
That was all. That was all that came into my head.
I turned to Janice. "I'm sorry. I need to leave."
The whole night refused to be processed.
Had I watched a woman go down on my best friend? That alone would have been the single most undoing thing in any other year of my life. But then.
My mind tried to slide off it.
On his knees (no, don't think about it), sliding off my panties, baring my (stop replaying it), spreading my legs.
"Lacey. Are you okay, honey?" Janice interrupted my thoughts.
I startled. "Jesus, Janice."
"Did Ricardo scare you? I wasn't paying attention, did he—"
I let out a single loud laugh, almost a shout, and Janice twitched back, alarmed.
"Lacey?"
"No," I said. "No, it wasn't Ricardo." Ricardo with the mouth. "Let's just go."
We got in her Jeep. The first few minutes were silent. I looked out the window. I felt cut loose from reality, as if an enormous event had happened, and at the same time it was nothing at all.
Janice looked worried now.
"It's okay, Janice. It's not catastrophic."
Her shoulders came down a fraction.
"Can you talk to me about it?" she asked, soft.
I looked back out the window. "You know me.
I'm careful. I'm in control. I don't get drunk.
I don't do drugs. I don't take risks." I shook my head.
"But I lost control tonight." I shook it again.
"It scared me. When my legs were open and I saw you, and I saw Ricardo.
" His mouth. "I knew I had to stop it, and for a second I couldn't. I wanted it so badly I stopped thinking.
I humiliated myself." I looked over at her. "I don't do things like that, Janice."
The want came back at my own words. Please stop, I told the hunger.
"I'm not going to slip into headshrinker mode on you, so I'll just tell you what I think.
Everything that happened in there was normal.
Feeling so turned on you can't sit still is normal.
Nothing you said or did or saw is unusual for that place, for me, or even for Ricardo.
" A beat. "Nobody else thinks you humiliated yourself. "
I nodded. It helped.
"I'm sorry, Lacey." Janice's voice had gone quiet. "I really thought this would be good for you."
I wanted to reassure her. We drove the rest of the way in silence.