22. Daniil
Daniil
My fingers trace over the veins in his hands, following the delicate lines up his wrist and forearm. My gaze drifts slowly up his chest to his neck, and my stomach twists. His entire neck is bruised and red, the marks dark and angry against his skin.
My eyes burn looking at it, tears start to spill as my hand trails slowly up toward the damage he inflicted on himself.
He’s slept a lot since it happened, barely waking except to use the bathroom or take his pills.
I’m glad for that. His body needs the rest, needs time to recover from what he tried to do.
Fuck.
Watching him like that, with the cord still around his neck, seeing how bad things got in his head that he thought that was his only way out, it broke something in me that I don’t think will ever be whole again.
I wish he would have come to me. I wish he knew, really knew deep down, that I’m always here for him no matter what.
There’s nothing he could say or do that would make me leave.
If he’d already been dead when I found him, I would have followed immediately.
His hands suddenly come up and catch my fingers mid-motion, stopping my path toward his neck. He brings my hand to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to my knuckles, his lips warm against my skin, before his eyes finally open.
“Hey,” I whisper, and then I launch forward and bury myself against him.
His arms come up immediately and wrap around me, pulling me tight against him. He buries his face in my hair and breathes me in. “Hey.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m better today,” he whispers into my hair, his grip tightening on me. After a long moment, he releases me and reaches over to take a joint from the nightstand. He lights it, the flame flickering in the dim light.
I push myself back to give him space, watching as he brings it to his lips and inhales deeply. His eyes close and his free hand comes up to rub his forehead, then he exhales heavily.
He takes another hit, and I lean down, pressing my lips to his. His hand comes up to cup my face, thumb brushing against my cheekbone as he exhales slowly. The smoke passes from his mouth to mine in a warm rush, and I inhale it deeply, feeling the burn settle into my lungs.
The moment it clears, his mouth crashes against mine properly, desperate and needy.
I slide my tongue past his lips, tasting smoke and him and everything I almost lost. I’m trying to show him comfort, trying to communicate everything I can’t say out loud, to let him know how much I love him, how terrified I was, how I can’t lose him.
I can’t believe I finally told him. That I’ve been in love with him since I was fifteen and he gave me my first kiss on that roof.
And he said it back. He knows now, knows exactly how far gone I am for him, how deep this goes, how long I’ve been drowning in this.
I’m so fucking relieved I could cry. Years of hiding it, and now it’s finally out in the open.
“I need to shower quickly, and then we need to go to work.”
“Nyet, fuck work.” I cup his chin, forcing him to look at me. “We’re staying home, okay? Stop stressing about that stupid event. We have the meeting with our brothers tomorrow, and I need you to take it easy until then. For once, just do what you’re told.”
He grins, rubbing his hand along my jaw. “I like it when you’re bossy.”
I jerk my chin toward the bathroom. “Go. Then we can be lazy all day.”
He pushes himself up and presses his lips to mine, soft and lingering, before pulling back.
I follow him into the bathroom without a word, positioning myself in the doorway as he strips down and steps under the spray.
The water turns on, and he tilts his head back, letting it run over him.
Leaning against the doorframe, I watch him through the glass, not bothering to hide what I’m doing.
I’m not leaving him alone. Not for a second.
He doesn’t ask me to leave, and I wouldn’t listen if he did. My eyes track every movement he makes, cataloging each shift and gesture to make sure he’s okay.
I pull out my phone but keep watching him, scrolling through it with half my attention while the rest stays locked on him.
I want to do something for him, something to drag him out of this darkness even if it’s just for a little while.
But we’re stuck here because he can’t go anywhere looking like this, not without covering the bruises.
Still, it would be good to do something for both of us.
An idea starts forming in my head.
I nervously peek out from the living room for the tenth time since I told Mikhail he has to stay in my bedroom while I set everything up. My hands fly across the blanket, trying to make it look somewhat decent. The doorbell finally rings.
“Stay there,” I shout toward the bedroom.
“I’m staying. I already told you,” he mutters back, and I can hear the amusement in his voice even from here.
Sprinting to the door, I pull it open. The delivery guy holds out the bags, and I take them before shutting the door and rushing back to the living room.
I spread everything out on the blanket, setting out plates and utensils, arranging the food containers until it looks halfway presentable.
Then I straighten myself out, take a breath, and walk to the bedroom.
“Okay, it’s ready.”
He looks up from his phone and pushes himself off the bed.
He’s wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt that hugs him tight, showing off his arms in a way that makes my mouth go dry.
I take his hand and drag him toward the living room, gesturing to the blanket spread out on the floor with our food laid out like an actual picnic.
“We can’t leave for dates, but you said you wanted to take me out. So I figured we could have a date at home instead.”
His eyes soften as he takes it all in. “You did all of this for me?”
“Yeah.”
He pulls me into his arms and wraps them around me, hugging me so tightly I can barely breathe.
My arms come up and wrap around him just as tightly, holding him like I can keep him here, keep him safe, if I just don’t let go.
We stay like that for a long moment before walking to the blanket together and settling down.
He stretches out on his side, making space, and I sit cross-legged beside him.
It’s Russian food. Our favorite blini crepes with jam fillings and shchi soup, the kind that reminds us of home even though home was never really safe.
“Fuck, I love you,” he says, snatching a spoon and diving into the soup. He groans at the first taste, and I can’t help smiling as I dig in too.
“I love you too,” I say around a mouthful of blini. “Part two of our date is getting in that jacuzzi we haven’t used since we moved here.”
“I forgot about that thing, to be honest.”
I roll my eyes. “I know. Wonder if it even works.”
He shoots me a look. “Guess we’ll find out.”
“What do people do on dates?” I ask, watching him lick jam off his thumb. “Like, what do we even talk about?”
“Danya, I’ve never really done this properly either. This is my first real date too.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “I always ditched everyone as soon as I could to come home to you. I think we’re supposed to get to know each other or something.”
“We know everything about each other. I’ve known you since I was two.”
He shrugs, grinning. “Then tell me something you think I don’t know.”
I narrow my eyes at him, considering. “I want you inside me, and then I want you to fuck me with a dildo at the same time.”
He chokes on his food, coughing and sputtering as he stares at me with his mouth hanging open.
He snaps it shut, clears his throat roughly.
“I did not know that was something you wanted.” His hand drops to adjust himself, his pupils dilating.
“We can do that. Change of plans, we’re skipping the jacuzzi. ”
“I’m holding out for our date tonight,” I say, fighting a smile. “So we can do that some other time.”
He curses under his breath and rolls onto his back, running both hands over his buzzcut.
I crawl over him, straddling his hips as I look down at him. He stares up at me and suddenly his eyes turn sad, something breaking open in his expression. He clears his throat. “I’m sorry that you had to see that. That you had to find me like that.”
“Mikhail, I already told you that you don’t need to apologize for anything. I’m here for you, okay? Forever, no matter what.”
He nods, his jaw tight, and I press myself against his body like a weighted blanket. My full weight settles over him, and his arms come up immediately, holding me tight. “Tell me something you think I don’t know about you,” I murmur against him, breathing him in.
“I actually hate jacuzzis, and I only wanted this apartment because it annoyed you so much.”
I pull back to stare at him. “Seriously?”
His grin returns. “I love getting reactions from you. You get all pissy, and it’s adorable.”
“We should just stay here all night and listen to music instead. Smoke and forget about the stupid jacuzzi.”
“Mm. Sounds perfect.”
I press myself further into him and hug him so tight I’m sure it’s hurting, but I don’t care. I need him to feel how much I need him here with me.
He grips me roughly and pulls me all the way up until our mouths crash together. His tongue pushes past my lips, and I open for him immediately, thrusting back and savoring his taste. Smoke and sweetness from the jam, familiar and mine.
His hands run up my back, fingers digging into my shoulder blades as he holds me against him.
My hard cock rubs against his through our jeans, and we breathe heavily into the kiss, the friction building heat between us.
I roll my hips down, and he groans into my mouth, the sound vibrating through me.
His teeth catch my bottom lip and tug, making me gasp. He takes advantage immediately, his tongue sliding deeper as one hand tangles in my hair and the other grips my hip, guiding my movements against him. The pressure is perfect and not enough at the same time, making me desperate for more.
I break away just enough to breathe, our foreheads pressed together as we pant against each other’s mouths. His eyes are dark, pupils blown wide, and his grip on me tightens like he’s afraid I’ll pull away. I won’t. I couldn’t if I tried.
“Do you remember the day we were allowed to put a tent in our backyard so we could sleep there for the night?” I ask.
He tilts his head, thinking back. “I remember. It took a week to convince Mother to let us, and even then, she almost didn’t allow it. What were we, nine and ten?”
“Yeah. And then I got so scared that I almost backed out because Yulian told me there would be wolves that would come and eat us.”
He huffs a laugh. “He was just being an ass. We had guards posted all around the property.”
“I know, but I was still terrified. I couldn’t sleep the entire night, so when you finally fell asleep, I crawled over to you and woke you up to tell you how scared I was. You wrapped your arms around me and held me until morning.”
His hand comes up to brush the hair from my eyes. “I wasn’t actually asleep. I was terrified too, couldn’t fall asleep at all. When you finally came over, I was so glad I didn’t have to admit it first.”
“Wait, you were awake the whole time?”
“Yes, because fucking Alexei told me there were also bears out there.”
I crack up. “They’re such assholes.”
“I know.”
My lips come down to his, and he opens for me immediately, his tongue pushing into my mouth while he spins us suddenly, rolling me onto my back. He settles on top of me and groans into the kiss, his family crest necklace falling forward to touch my identical one with a soft metallic clink.
His hands slide down my chest, fingers spreading across my ribs, and he pulls back from the kiss to rest his head against me, listening to my heartbeat. My arms wrap around him, and I press a kiss to the top of his head, breathing him in.
Closing my eyes, I hold him tighter, trying not to think about what would have happened if he’d succeeded. How neither of us would have had this moment.