Chapter 33
REM
I’ve never told anyone I love them.
Fuck, I’ve never loved anyone before. Not like this.
Cazzo. I’m assuming that’s what the persistent ache in my gut is. This corrosive, constant need to see Lena, to touch her, to know what she’s doing and feeling and, above all, to know that she’s whole, breathing, alive.
This feeling has been plaguing me for days. A constant pulse at the back of every thought, every inhale.
I wondered if it was obsession. Compulsion. Unmitigated lust.
Until the moment Lena asked what I’d do if Aldo reissued the hit on her. I knew in that instant: I pick her. Over everyone else, I pick her. It’s a certainty I feel deep in my bones. Just like I know that Lena could hate me, and I’d still take a bullet for her.
“I love you,” I repeat, tugging her closer. “You and me, Lena. No matter what happens tomorrow when Aldo returns, it’s you and me.”
A few minutes ago, Lena’s skin was flush with anger. Now she looks pale, borderline ill. “It’s not. It can’t be,” she protests. “And…you can’t say that. You can’t love me.”
“I do.”
“No. You can’t. Not now.”
Lena digs her nails into my chest, puncture points ringing the shallow knife wound.
“Christ, Rem! How dare you say that now? When all I want to do is say it back. When I want to tell you how much I care about you, how physically ill I felt when I thought you were hurt, how my heart was breaking when I thought you might be dead… But how can I possibly say it now, after everything that’s happened?
After learning all the things you’ve been hiding from me? ”
Lena slams a fist into me, putting everything she can’t say into the punch. I relish the impact, the distraction from the vise around my lungs. “I can’t tell you I love you and then leave. And I have to leave. For my sake, and yours.”
Fuck that. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“You’re not keeping me locked up here.”
“I can. I will.” Fear is turning to cowardice, cowardice to insanity. The idea of letting Lena walk out of my penthouse—my life—is making me more unhinged than I’ve ever felt before.
“I know you can, but you won’t.”
“No? How can you be so sure?”
“Because it’s what you have to do. What I need you to do.
I need space to think, to process everything you’ve told me.
You do, too. What you said about siding with me against Aldo—that’s equivalent to treason, isn’t it?
The worst sort of betrayal? That’s like signing your own death warrant, Rem.
I can’t accept that. We both need time apart to get our heads sorted out, to figure out what we’re going to do next. ”
“I’m not changing my mind, piccola. It doesn’t matter how much time I have to think about it.”
Lena ignores me, refusing to back down. “Give me until tomorrow morning. Less than twenty-four hours away from all of this”—she waves her arms at the penthouse— “so I can feel vaguely like myself again, think like myself again. You can even pick the place I stay, as long as it isn’t at Johnny and Bianca’s house. ”
“You’ll have bodyguards, Lena. That’s non-negotiable.”
“Yes, fine.” She steps back. I don’t release her hand, not immediately. Not until she raises one eyebrow, that simple gesture wielding more power than dozens of mafiosi armed to the teeth.
“And I pick where you stay. Down to the fucking room.”
“I already said you could.”
Vaffanculo. Now insanity is turning me idiotic. “This is a terrible fucking idea. I really hate it.”
Lena surprises me by saying, “Me too. But I don’t know what else to do.” She pauses, chews her lower lip, an uncharacteristically nervous gesture for my fierce wife. “What you said before, about loving me?”
I nod, fisting my hands at my sides.
“I want to be able to say it back.” Lena wraps her arms around her midsection, like she’s protecting herself from her own feelings. “I want to say it back,” she repeats, “but I need time to figure out what it means if I do. For my life, for my future. For my safety.”
“I won’t let anyone hurt you, little one.” I can’t stop myself from saying it, over and again. Like if I say it enough there’s no chance it won’t be true.
“Death will come for me eventually, Rem. No one can hold it off forever. Not even you.”
She says it so matter-of-factly, with such simple acceptance, it sends my head spinning. Me, the hitman, the death dealer—I want to scream against the inevitability of it.
Lena just looks at me with clear eyes, calm countenance.
“I’m not giving in. Not even close. But we have to be realistic here.
If everything you’ve said is true, about my birth mom and your uncle, not to mention the hit your family seems to still have out on me—there’s a high chance one of us won’t make it to the end of this month alive. ”
“So don’t go,” I say. “If you really think that, don’t go. I want every moment with you I can get, mia amata. If you’re right, and I’m wrong, and no amount of fighting fate can keep us together, don’t leave now.” Please.
Doubt crosses Lena’s face, chased by what looks like longing. My pulse races, then takes a sharp nosedive when she shakes her head. “I’m not changing my mind. Make the arrangements, Rem. One night. I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can finish this conversation.”
With anyone else I’d fight. I’d rage. I’d refuse to let them leave.
But this is Lena. She won’t back down, won’t change her mind.
If there’s any chance she’s going to come back—and she has to come back—I’m going to have to let her go.
Even if I feel like the most important part of me is about to walk out the door.
“One night.” I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. “Go, pack. Arrangements will be sorted by the time you’re done.”
“Thank you. I…” Lena trails off. “Just, thanks.” With that, she turns and heads for our bedroom.
For several seconds I can only stare at the place she’d been standing, my brain not fully comprehending what’s just happened.
Only hours ago, we were so fucking close to each other.
Physically, emotionally. I’m the only one who’s said the L-word, but Lena’s right here with me.
I know it. Deep in the fucking chaotic quagmire of epic, blindsiding, life-changing love.
Yet it isn’t enough. Not to keep her here with me. Not after today’s revelations.
Figlio di puttana! No one who knows me would recognize the man I am right now, vibrating with too many emotions, forcing myself to stand firm, to not chase my wife down and bend her with my will until we both break.
The irony hits me, and I strangle a pathetic laugh. Because goddamn, I feel broken. With another curse, I shut my brain off and go into autopilot, pulling out my phone and sending a series of orders to Johnny.
As much as I hate to admit it, Lena’s right about my family being a threat. There’ve been too many coincidences lately, too many near-misses to not suspect that there’s a traitor in my inner circle, someone who is making it too easy to keep Lena in a killer’s sights.
Right now, the only people I trust completely are Johnny, Lorenzo, Bruce, and my brother, but given how pissed Ari was earlier, I don’t want him anywhere near this situation. Yesterday’s car bomb threw Bruce off schedule, so he still has a body to get rid of. That leaves Johnny and Lorenzo.
After a few minutes, I’ve made all the arrangements for Lena. I hate how anxious this entire plan makes me, but I have faith in my men. Lena will be safe tonight. She’ll have the space she needs. And I’ll be counting down the seconds until I pick her up tomorrow.
“I’m ready.”
I look up. Lena is dressed, her hair tamed, her composure in place. She’s carrying a small bag and I feel a wave of relief that it’s only big enough to hold clothes for one night. Not nearly enough to keep her supplied if she attempts to run away for good.
I’m erasing the distance between us, spurred on by that last thought. She drops her overnight bag when I haul her into a crushing hug. “I’m sorry,” I say into her hair. “I hate this. I love you.”
“I know.” Her breath warms my neck. Her hands are light on my back.
I squeeze tighter. “Johnny will take you to a hotel. A private suite where you’ll be safe. He’ll be on guard, along with Lorenzo. Anything you need, they’ll make sure you have it.”
I pull back enough to capture her face in my hands, to tip her up to meet my eyes.
“I’m giving you tonight, piccola. But I’ll be collecting you at ten tomorrow morning, not one second later.
Make sure you’re ready for me. Whatever thinking you need to do, whatever space you need to have, you only have until then.
After that, I will do everything necessary to keep you with me.
To protect you, as a husband protects his wife. As I protect the woman I love.”
Lena looks up at me, too many thoughts whirling in her eyes for me to pinpoint any one clearly. Silence stretches, no acknowledgement of what I’ve said. But then she pushes up on her tiptoes and brushes her mouth across mine.
A whisper. A promise.
Holy fuck, it better not be a goodbye.
I’ve been holding onto my control by the skin of my teeth. One touch of Lena’s lips and it shatters. With a growl, I grab her hair and possess her mouth.
Lena whimpers. Her fingers scrabble against my shoulders before digging in, holding on. Her lips part under mine, and I’m so fucking lost.
We’re a frenzy of hands, moans, tongues. I’m more animal than man, pushing her against the nearest wall, my hand protecting her skull as I crush her against the unforgiving surface.
Lena gasps, angling her face for better access. I lick deep, our mouths fighting for dominance as she wraps one leg around my hip. The move brings the heat of her core flush to the rigid length of my cock. Need is a screaming, twisting thing in me.
I want to be inside her, on top of her, connected to her as deeply as I possibly can. But no matter how pliant and willing Lena’s body is against mine, how hard her nipples press against my chest or how urgently she pulls my head to hers, I can’t have her now. Not the way I want. Not completely.
The realization wrenches a miserable groan from beneath my ribs. I break our kiss, struggling to catch my breath.
“Boss.” Lorenzo stands a few feet away, pointedly looking at the ground. “We’re ready, boss.”
“Right.” Fuck.
Lena shrugs out of my arms, grabbing her bag and straightening her spine. Lips swollen, she stares at my shoulder as she says, “Goodbye.”
Heart in my throat, I manage a nod. “Ten tomorrow, little one. Not one second more.”
She cocks her head in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything else as she follows my man to the private elevator. Steps later, she’s gone.