31. Vivienne
Vivienne
Everyone says wedding tastings are supposed to be fun, but I bet those people have never had to do them with both their fiancé and the man they’re in love with in attendance.
Landon shows up unexpectedly, just as Cass and I are beginning to enjoy ourselves. He didn’t even text me, and having him walk in on us makes me feel as if I’ve been caught doing something wrong. Landon doesn't see it that way, thank god, but I can’t help wanting to crawl into a hole all the same.
I convince Cass to stay, which simultaneously makes everything better and a hundred times more awkward.
Landon likes Cass and obviously doesn’t notice anything that gives him cause for concern, for which I should be grateful.
Instead, it bothers me that I’m marrying a man who can’t even tell I’m in love with the guy across the table.
I keep wishing Landon will be called back to the office so Cass and I can return to being ourselves, rather than pretending to be interested in all the flavor profiles Landon discovers in the foods. I have to remind myself that Cass is the one I'm going home with, even if it means nothing.
When Landon finally returns to work, Cass and I both let out sighs of relief.
“Lucky you,” Cass says as we walk toward his car. “You get to spend the rest of your life with a foodie. And I thought Sutton was bad.”
“Landon’s a good guy.” I don’t know why I defend him, even if it’s the truth. He treats me with respect, and that’s not always a given, especially in situations like ours.
“Yeah, he’s just fucking fantastic,” Cass mutters.
After we return to Belgrave that afternoon, I saddle Rhya for a ride.
Besides the practicing we do every day, I take her out for an hour just for fun, because I’m all too aware of how limited my time with her is.
In a few weeks, I’ll be heading back to the city, and I have no idea how soon I’ll be back.
The stable door opens, and Cass walks inside, blinking as his eyes adjust to the dim interior. My heart immediately picks up speed, even though I just spent most of the day with him.
“Hey,” he says, approaching. “Mind if I join you?”
“Of course not.” I do my best to keep the surprise out of my voice. Cass and I haven’t gone riding together since we were teenagers, and even then, it was hardly ever alone. Bash doesn’t handle being left out of things very well.
Together, Cass and I saddle up Blaze, one of my dad’s imported Oldenburgs. We lead the horses outside, and Rhya immediately starts prancing.
I swing myself into the saddle and glance over my shoulder at Cass. “Race you to the cypress grove?”
I don’t give him time to reply before I dig my heels into Rhya’s sides, and she takes off like a shot.
We clear the fence, and she picks up speed as we cross the heath.
I only look back once to see Cass and Blaze, in the distance but slowly gaining.
Blaze has great turn of foot, but he’s no match for Rhya.
When the cluster of cypress trees is within view, I urge her even faster. She finds another reservoir of speed, and we make it there ten seconds before Cassian and Blaze.
“You cheated,” he calls as he slows Blaze to a canter.
“It sucks to suck, doesn’t it?”
He flips me off, but there’s a smile on his face. “That felt good. The only thing that will feel better is kicking your ass on the way back.”
Thunder rumbles as if it’s displeased with his words.
“Looks like a rematch will have to wait,” I say, studying the sky.
Dark clouds jostle and bump each other as they move closer.
Riding over the heath in the rain is dangerous.
There’s too much uneven ground, too many hidden rocks and slippery patches.
Instead, we walk the horses back, giving us the opportunity to talk without having to worry about Bash or Landon seeing us and thinking the worst. The rest of our friends are coming in the morning and staying for the weekend, so this might be the last opportunity we get for a while.
“This was fun,” I say with a smile. “We haven’t gone riding in so long, I thought you might’ve forgotten how.”
Cass narrows his eyes. “I haven’t forgotten anything.”
“You might be sore tomorrow, though.”
Shrugging, he gazes out across the moor. “Worth it.” After a few beats of silence, he clears his throat. “I’ve seen you practicing your jumps.”
I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t. “And?”
He turns to look at me, Blaze’s reins loose in his hand. “And I thought you were done with that.”
I avert my eyes, because I can’t handle seeing his disappointment. “My dad—”
“Fuck your dad,” Cass snaps. “He’s an asshole. I thought you told him you weren’t doing any more shows this year.”
“Actually, you were the one who told him that,” I say quietly.
Cass shakes his head as if he can’t believe what’s happening. “I was trying to help.”
“I know,” I say. “And I appreciate it. But sometimes it’s just easier to go along with what they want.”
“Easier for them, yeah,” he grumbles. “But what about you, Vivvy? When do you get to be happy?”
I swallow the lump in my throat that is threatening to choke me. “I am happy. Truly.”
“This is you happy?” Incredulity fills his voice.
I can feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine focused on the ground ahead of us. “Just because it looks different than the way you imagine it should doesn’t make it any less real.”
“I’ve seen you happy, Viv. This feels like a watered-down version of whatever role you think you’re supposed to be playing.”
We walk in silence for several minutes. I know he’s right, but admitting that out loud means facing that I’m not happy, and I just don’t have it in me to do that right now.
“I may as well tell you that I also agreed to hold the reception in the ballroom,” I say.
He doesn’t respond, and when I glance at him from the corner of my eye, his jaw looks tight enough to snap.
“I’m sorry. My mum was so insistent that I knew fighting to do things my way would only continue stressing both of us out. I did really love your idea, though.”
Cass gives a single nod, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a good thing that our lives are changing. I’m not sure how long I could survive if I disappointed him every time I turned around. I want his approval so badly it nearly cripples me.
The rain starts, making it nearly impossible to converse without shouting.
We pick up the pace while continuing to carefully pick our way over the ground.
Fortunately, I’m wearing a waterproof jacket, and it keeps the rest of my clothes mostly dry.
Cass, however, is only wearing a hoodie and shorts, both of which are drenched by the time we get back.
“Do you ever think about that night?” I ask when we’re finally inside the stables.
“What night?”
“You know what night, Cass.”
He latches the door behind us. “All the time.”
“We should’ve done something,” I say as memories of the accident wash over me again.
“There was nothing we could’ve done.” He’s wrong, and we both know it, but I appreciate his attempts to make me feel better all the same.
“But if I’d tried harder to st—”
“Viv, stop.” He drops Blaze’s reins and puts both hands on my shoulders. “You are not responsible for Bash. What happened was not your fault.”
I wipe away a tear from my cheek. “I should’ve tried harder.
I should've known something was going to happen . . .” The guilt won’t let me continue.
It claws at me from the inside, making me sick.
Sometimes I wish that the ground would crack open and swallow me up.
At least then I wouldn’t be faced with the reality of what I didn’t do every single day.
“How could you possibly have known? It was an accident, Viv. We’d all go back and change it if we could, but we can’t.” Cass’s eyes have grown wild, begging me to believe him. “You can’t beat yourself up about this. It wasn’t your fault.”
“What about afterwards? What we did was wrong.”
He looks stunned, his lashes blinking rapidly as he tries to keep up. Resignation replaces his confusion, and I wish I knew what he was thinking right now.
“We never should have agreed to it,” I say.
He lets out a slow breath. “Right. That.” Blaze nudges his pocket, looking for a treat. Cass pulls out two sugar cubes and gives one to each horse. “Your dad is fucking terrifying under the best of circumstances, and we were all at our worst that night, not to mention young and stupid.”
“It’s no excuse.” I tug on Rhya’s reins, leading her to her stall. “We could have stood up to him.”
“He would have just found a way to strong-arm us into doing it anyway.”
This time, Cass is right. My father doesn’t take no for an answer. If we had tried to stand our ground back then, he would’ve blackmailed us into compliance. It doesn’t make me hate myself any less, though.
“But we didn’t even try.” My voice comes out small.
Cass grabs a brush and drags it across Blaze’s wet back. “It wouldn’t have done any good. We were kids, and we were scared out of our minds. We didn’t even know if Bash was going to make it. No one would blame us for what we did.”
I’m not sure about that. I think there are plenty of people who would accuse us of being vicious monsters if they knew. “So you don’t regret it? The promise?”
“Of course I regret it, but I learned a long time ago that the best thing to do is to move on.” His sharp words cut through the barn, and there’s a hard set to his shoulders as he stands in the center aisle, grooming Blaze.
“So that’s how you did it,” I say quietly. I’m still combing Rhya, but it’s all muscle memory. My mind is already replaying what happened after we agreed to my father’s awful deal. The hospital. The stupid kiss.
“What?” Cass asks.
I shake my head to clear the images that have formed and return my focus to my horse. “After the kiss. You moved on.” I shrug as if we’re discussing the weather. Rain is still pounding on the roof, but it’s the least of my concerns.