34. Cassian
Cassian
Ipull on my black boots and grab the leather jacket hanging on the back of the chair in my room. Viv, Bash, and Briar went to bed close to an hour ago, which means I should be able to sneak out without anyone hearing me.
The corridor is lit only by the wall sconces. They cast just enough light to make my walk to the front door creepy. Fortunately, I’ve done this often enough that the shadows don’t scare me.
My fists twitch with the need to hit something. Whoever is unlucky enough to be in the ring with me tonight is in for it. I haven’t been this riled up in a long time.
I know I shouldn’t have kissed Viv. I should’ve walked away before either of us could be so stupid.
And even if it didn’t mean anything to her, it sure as fuck meant something to me, which means I’ve just made everything fifty times harder for myself.
How the hell am I supposed to watch her get married now?
Drive the bloody carriage for her and Landon?
Sit in the audience and listen as they pledge their undying love to each other?
I don’t care if it’s an arranged marriage.
They’re going to get up there and vow to stay together for the rest of their lives in front of three hundred people.
Slamming the door a little harder than I should, I march to my bike, which is parked out front. I swing my leg over it and shove the key into the ignition, but before I can start the engine, Viv runs out of the house, long hair trailing behind her.
“Where are you going?” she asks, breathlessly coming to a stop beside me.
“You know where I’m going,” I growl. “So go back to bed.”
She crosses her arms accusatorily over her chest. “You’re going to a fight, aren’t you?”
I shake my head and grip the handlebars harder. It’s taking every ounce of willpower I have not to haul her onto the seat and let her drive everything but her sweet lips from my thoughts. But another reminder of everything I’ve been missing out on for the past three years is the last thing I need.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”
“Please don’t go.” Her voice is small, carried off by the wind whipping over the heath, but I catch the fear in it all the same.
I give her a hard look I don’t mean, because it’s the only way to be strong enough to resist her.
“Viv, it’s either beating the living shit out of a stranger and getting paid for it, or hitting my best friend.
” Anger at Bash still pounds in my veins, and if she doesn’t want me dragging his ass out of bed to rearrange his face, I’m going to have to find another outlet.
She closes her eyes, accepting my decision. But when she opens them, she says, “Then I’m coming with you.”
My laugh is sharp and humorless. “No, you’re not.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Glad you have so much faith in me,” I mutter.
She edges closer, and I catch a whiff of vanilla. “If I’m not going, neither are you.”
“Vivvy.” I chuckle again, because she’s hilarious if she thinks her 115-pound body will be able to stop me. “No offense, but this has nothing to do with you.”
“This is about your fight with Bash, isn’t it?”
Lifting my shoulder, I give her a sardonic grin. “Now why would you think that?”
“I’m not stupid, Cassian. I know you’re upset about the kiss and that Bash made it into more than it really was, but that doesn’t mean—”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Her eyes flick back and forth between mine. “Why don’t you explain it to me, then?”
“I’d love to, but I need to go,” I say, flipping up my kickstand.
She rests a hand on my arm. “I said I’m going with you.”
“And I said you’re not.”
“Do you really want to fight about this right now?”
I clench my jaw, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t say no to this woman. “Get on the bike.”
Her hesitation only lasts a second, then she swings her leg over and straddles the seat as I start the engine. The feeling of her snuggled up against me is going to haunt me for the rest of eternity, but no one said I can’t enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m off my game tonight, likely because I know Viv is in the crowd, and watching out for her is costing me half my attention.
There are too many things that could go wrong, too many greedy hands, and way too much danger for my comfort.
I’ll feel so much better once she is safe in my arms again, even if it’s nothing but a fantasy that’ll come crashing down in a few short weeks.
Thinking about her wins me an uppercut to the jaw. Pain shoots through my lip. I return the punch, nearly knocking the guy’s lights out. They stacked the odds in my favor once again tonight, and it’s time to end this thing so I can get back to my girl.
I snap a jab at my opponent’s ribs, and when he bends over in pain, I sink a few more punches into his side. The final blow to his jaw lands him on the floor as the crowd cheers. He stays down for ten seconds, and I have my victory.
Unwrapping my hands, I stumble out of the ring and immediately scan the crowd for Viv.
“Cassian!” Her voice is like a balm for my soul. I had no idea just how tense I’d become, wondering what might be happening to her and not having enough time to find her in the crowd before having to defend myself from the next blow.
“Let’s go.” I grab her wrist and lead her to the exit.
“You’re hurt,” she says, her body pressed close to mine. She’s so close I can feel her soft curves, and it’s doing weird things to my head.
“I’m fine.”
“Your lip is bleeding.” She tries to stop, but I keep moving, pulling her along. We can’t stay here, not with who knows what lurking in the shadows.
“You can fix it when we get home. Right now, we need to leave.” I get my payout from the bookie, then help Viv onto the bike, tugging the helmet over her head.
I drive slower on the way home, knowing this will likely be the last time she sits this close to me. It’s not like Landon will let her ride with me once they’re married. I’ll be lucky if I even get to see her after the wedding.
We get back to the house sooner than I would’ve liked, but instead of heading to her room once we’re inside, Viv lights a candle in the kitchen and pushes me onto a stool. “Sit down while I get a washcloth.”
I do as she says, not because she scares me, but because I’ll let her take care of me every day for the rest of my life if that’s what she wants.
I watch her wet the cloth under the faucet, letting the water run until it’s the perfect temperature.
Neither of us says anything, but with the way her face heats, I know she can feel my eyes on her.
She returns and takes the seat in front of me. Without a word, she presses the warm towel against my lip. It stings, but I barely register it. The only thing I can feel is the electricity in the air between us. I know she can feel it too, because she looks everywhere but at my eyes.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
Her gaze darts up to meet mine for a second before she drops it again.
“I can do it.” I reach for the cloth, but she doesn’t let go. For several seconds, my hand rests on top of hers, neither of us moving. I’m not even sure we’re breathing.
She reaches out tentatively with the other hand and touches the swollen skin around my eye, compliments of Bash’s fist. It’s already turning a mottled purple. A tear hovers in Viv’s lashes, and she tries to blink it away, but it breaks free and rolls down her face.
“Viv, what the hell?” I say, reaching for her chin.
She allows me to lift it, and her eyes reluctantly find mine.
“What’s wrong?” If someone hurt her, I’m going to tear them into unrecognizable pieces, and then I’ll kill them.
She shakes her head, which frees even more tears. They roll down her face with abandon, and my heart hits the floor with a loud crash. “I was so scared.”
My jaw and fists clench simultaneously. “Scared of what?” It takes everything I have to say the words with control. I want to jump off this stool, jump back on my bike, and jump on the back of the guy who dared touch her.
“I know you can handle yourself,” she says, “but from where I was standing, it looked bad, and I was so afraid he’d hurt you a lot worse than he did, and—” She takes a gulping breath, and it gives me just enough time to process what she’s saying.
She was scared of the fight. She was scared for me.
Shit.
“I’m fine, Vivvy.” My voice sounds like sandpaper. “I’m fine.”
“Because you got lucky,” she says, gaining control of her emotions once more.
“Because I’m good at it.” The words come out a little too sharply.
She tosses the washcloth onto the counter. “And what happens when the guy you’re fighting is better than you?”
I shrug, because it hasn’t happened yet, and I have no reason to think it ever will. “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”
She’s quiet for several moments, her gaze on her hands in her lap. “I don’t think you understand how worried I was.”
“I can handle myself, Viv.”
“I know you can,” she says, lip quivering. “But I don’t think I could live with myself if something happened to you.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Promise me you won’t go back.”
“Viv—”
“Please, Cass.”
I let out a heavy sigh. Does she know what she’s asking of me? I rarely hook up with anyone. I don’t race half as much as I used to, not since the accident. Fighting is one of the only outlets I have. How the hell am I supposed to blow off steam?
When I don’t answer, she gets up and takes the rag back to the sink. Her face is unreadable as she washes the blood from it. By the time she comes back and dabs at my lip once more, I know what I have to do. As if I ever had a choice.
“Okay,” I say.
She looks at me abruptly. “Okay what?”
“I’ll stop.”
“Just like that?” She searches my face for hints that I’m lying, but I’ve never meant anything more.
“Just like that. If it means that much to you, I’ll do it,” I say with conviction. Nothing is worth it if it worries her that much.
“Thank you,” she whispers, lowering the cloth. “I know how much fighting means to you.”
Slowly, I take the towel from her and set it aside, then thread my fingers through hers. She takes a shaky breath as she stares at our joined hands. I don’t need to hear her heartbeat to know it’s as fast as mine.
“Nothing in the world is more important to me than you,” I say.
It’s the closest I’ve ever come to telling her how I feel. We’ve skirted around the edges of this topic for years, because I don’t know how to give her the answers she deserves. I certainly can’t give her the life she deserves.
“You don’t mean that.” Her voice is as timid as a mouse’s.
“I do. You know I do, Vivvy.”
She slowly lifts her gaze, her eyes brimming with sadness. “Then why won’t you fight for me?”