36. Vivienne
Vivienne
When everyone eventually heads to their separate rooms, I go upstairs with them to avoid drawing Bash’s or anyone else’s suspicion. I have no desire to clean up a busted lip again, and this time, I’m not so sure it would be Cass who got hurt.
The thunderstorm seems to have passed. Rain still splatters against the windows, but it’s slowed down.
In my room, I pull a waxed jacket over my sweater.
When I’m sure no one is downstairs anymore, I slip into the corridor and make my way through the dimly lit halls.
If I get caught, I’ll say I need fresh air before bed. It’s not even a lie.
Pushing open the back door, I slip outside. Raindrops hit my head, so I pull up my hood and shove my hands into my pockets. It takes my eyes several seconds to adjust to the darkness, but when they do, I make out a dark shadow leaning against the house.
I approach slowly, but when I see the flare of a lighter, I know it’s Cass. “Hi,” I say when I’m close enough to be heard over the water splatting against the stones beneath us.
His eyes find mine in the dark, and he flicks the lighter once more. The small flame is reflected in his irises for half a second before it disappears. “Hi.”
“What are we doing out here, Cass?” We’re standing close enough that the heat of his body bleeds through my jacket. Droplets of water hang from his hair before letting loose and plopping onto his hoodie.
He pockets the Zippo. “It occurred to me that I may never get the chance to dance with you again.” He extends his hand. “Humor me?”
Goosebumps break out over my skin as I consider his request. “You want to dance with me?” I assumed the dance at the engagement party would be our last.
He chuckles, and warmth zips through me and settles in my core. Clouds move to reveal the moon, and the light makes the rain sparkle on his face. “Yes.”
“In the rain?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“You’re insane,” I say, taking his outstretched hand. It’s not cold like mine but warm and dry.
He tugs me close, and as our bodies meet, I’m assaulted by the heat and scent of him. Rugged, dangerous, and intoxicating.
“Insane for wanting to dance with the most beautiful woman in the world?”
I rest my head on his shoulder as he gently moves us back and forth. “Don’t say things like that,” I whisper.
“Even if it’s true?”
“Cass.” I try to pull away. “I can’t do this.”
“Wait. I’m sorry,” he says, keeping hold of me. “Don’t go.”
I search for the truth buried in his dark eyes, but it’s locked up as tight as always. I wish that for once, he’d tell me something true, something real, something I can trust. Something I don’t have to dissect for hidden meanings and intentions.
“Fine.” I sigh and let him pull me in once more, because I have no strength when it comes to him. He could ask me for both my legs, and I’d chop them off before the words finished leaving his mouth.
This is the danger in falling for a friend. If they don’t reciprocate your feelings, you ruin the friendship. If they do and it doesn’t work out, you ruin the friendship. Some friendships are too valuable to risk.
“Tell me something I don’t know about you.” Cass’s voice breaks through the quiet notes of drops bouncing off my jacket.
I consider what to say. He already knows the important stuff, and while there are plenty of things he’s not aware of, there aren’t many worth mentioning during the little bit of time we have left together.
“I attend the ballet the weekend after my birthday every year,” I finally say.
He pulls back, looking down at me. “What? I thought you always visit your grandma that weekend.”
I give him a sheepish smile. “Sometimes I go see her afterward?”
He shakes his head as if he can’t believe he didn’t figure it out before now. “Who watches it with you?”
“No one.” I started the tradition when I turned seventeen and needed to escape my family for a few hours. Even Bash doesn’t know.
Cass stiffens. “You go alone?” He sounds incredulous.
“Yeah, why?”
Several moments of silence pass, and just when I think he isn’t going to say more about it, I hear the low timbre of his voice. “That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I turn my face so my cheek rests against his wet sweatshirt.
I wish I could ask him what we’re doing out here, but I’m too scared of what he might say.
If he says it’s the last time we’ll ever be together, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.
I’d rather live in beautiful oblivion for a while longer than receive answers I’m not sure I want in the first place.
The past month has been glorious and awful and heartbreaking all at once, and I have yet to process how I feel about it ending.
On one hand, I’m eager to get the wedding over with so I can move on with my future.
Not knowing what to expect has me strung so tightly, sometimes I fear I’ll snap.
But on the other hand, I want to freeze times like this, suspend them in amber so that I can relive them whenever I want, not as memories, but as moments half-finished, waiting for the curtain to rise and the actors to step back onstage.
No matter what happens here, I already know how this story ends.
Landon and I will pledge ourselves to each other, and whatever the future holds, mine will be entwined with his.
I don’t regret accepting his proposal, or even going out with him when my mother first set it up, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever fantasize about other possibilities.
Possibilities that are so far out of reach, they bear no resemblance to reality.
Cass lowers his head until I feel the brush of his breath against my ear and the light scrape of his stubble against my cheek. I don’t inhale, afraid that if I do, he’ll move away. Right now, he’s the only solid thing I have to cling to. He’ll be ripped away from me soon enough.
I tighten my arms around his neck, as if I can somehow keep the wheels of the future from rolling down the tracks, as if this moment could actually be frozen in time. As if the two of us ever stood a chance from the beginning. If we did, it’s long gone.
Cass dips his head even lower and presses a soft kiss behind my ear. Instead of moving away, he stays there, his lips pressed against my skin, his breath hot and his body tight. A whimpering sob rises in my chest, but I don’t let it out. I can’t.
I want to ask what he’s doing, what any of this means, but the words won’t form. The thought of his answer terrifies me into silence.
“If I told you I wanted to be with you—that I’ve always wanted to be with you—what would you say?” His words rumble through me, a truck on a gravel road.
“Don’t make me answer that, Cass.” My voice and heart split open, because what is he doing? Why is he asking me this now? If he truly means that, why not ask me a year ago? Three years ago?
“Why not?” he says, the tendons in his neck growing even more pronounced.
Closing my eyes and praying for strength, I pull back, because this isn’t a conversation I can have tucked in the crook of his neck, no matter how warm and safe it feels.
His timing is absolute shit, and I hate him for putting me in this position.
“Because it won’t change anything. You made it very clear we’ll never be more than friends. ”
“Vivvy—” he says, but I move away from him, cover my face with my hands, and inhale deeply, because my other option is to cry, and that’s the last thing I want to do in front of him.
“Just stay away from me, Cass.”
He steps closer. “I am physically incapable of staying away from you.”
I stare at him through the haze of tears I tried to will away. “You pushed me away for years after that kiss.”
His face falls, and when I won’t let him touch me, he shoves both hands into his hoodie pocket. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“Then why’d you do it?” I cry.
“How do you think your family would’ve reacted to the news of us being together?” he says. “I’m a Mexican-Wesbournian who works forty hours a week as a mechanic. Do you think they would’ve celebrated if I said I’m in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you?”
I grasp for words, but they stay just out of reach. My brain wants to hyperfixate on the fact that Cassian said he’s in love with me. “What does it matter what my family thinks?” I finally say.
He scoffs and looks away. “Their opinion matters to you. You know it does.”
“Well, it’s my life, not theirs.”
When he turns back to me, his face is sad. “Is it, Vivvy? Because from where I’m standing, you’re getting married to the man they chose for you, you’re having the wedding they want you to have, and you’re going to live the life they designed for you.”
“How dare you.” Tears spill over and run down my cheeks, but I no longer care. How can he stand there and say those things when he knows how hard this is for me?
“How dare I?” He jabs a finger into his chest. “How dare I want more than that for you? Or how dare I fall in love with you?”
I shake my head and clench my jaw to keep the sobs locked up. If I try to say anything now, I’ll just break down.
“Don’t think for a second that a day has gone by that I haven’t wished you were mine.” He steps closer, pinning me against the side of the house. “Why do you think I can’t stay in a relationship? Why do you think I won’t let myself touch you?”
A shuddering sob breaks past my lips, and I try to gulp it back.
He leans closer, until his lips are only an inch from mine. “Because once I touch you, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop.”
I long to raise my hands and cover my face, but Cass is standing too close, hovering over me until every breath I take causes our bodies to brush against each other.
“Why didn’t you tell me before how you felt?” I whisper.
He steps back, letting the cold sweep between us.
It settles into my bones as his words settle into my heart like the sharp sting of death.
“Because I’m not going to wake up a millionaire tomorrow.
I’ll never own my own jet or a villa on a private island.
I won’t be able to afford designer wardrobes and expensive cars.
I can’t send my kids to boarding school or pay for lavish weddings.
None of that stuff is in the cards for me. ”
I blink at him in disbelief. “Do you think any of that matters to me?”
“Maybe not now, but it will someday.”
My jaw tightens, and I shove my hood off my head. “Don’t you dare make that decision for me.”
“I knew you’d never do what was best for yourself.” He moves closer, reaches out his hand, then drops it before he can touch me. “You may not want those things now, but the day will come when you do, and you’ll resent the man who can’t give them to you.”
“So this is about you,” I say, shaking my head. “I should’ve guessed.”
“It’s about me not being able to give you the life you deserve. Do you think that doesn’t gut me every single day?” He takes a panting breath. “If I could give you the moon, you’d already have it. There isn’t a single thing in the world I wouldn’t give you if I could.”
“I don’t want those things!” I say, no longer caring who can hear me. I only ever wanted you.
“You don’t get it, do you?” His eyes go wild as moonlight washes over his face. “You deserve to be with a man who not only worships the ground you walk on, but who can give you everything you deserve. You deserve the best, Vivvy, and we both know I’m not it.”