Chapter 3
THREE
Karsyn
I said I was done with him, yet here I was parked outside of his house, spennanight bag in the trunk. God, I couldn’t stand up if you paid me, but I was trying. That had to count for something, right? He said we were talking and that was literally what I was here to do… talk.
Psy: Pull in the back, baby. You know how they drive this way.
A text came through just as I was about to turn my car off.
Instead, I mashed the brake, switching the gear and pulling out of the park right across from his house.
I hit the stop sign at the end of his block a second later, flicked my left turn signal, then waited for the car going the opposite way to go first. I then turned on the side street and finally into his alley.
I pulled up behind his grandmother’s house where a black G-Wagon I knew belonged to Killa was idling. I knew it was his because for as long as I'd known him he was the only person with a back window sticker that said FAFO in all caps.
His brake lights came on and he pulled up so I could back into the opening garage next to Posydiann’s truck.
Psy knew I wasn’t about to attempt to pull in, so the passenger side door of the G Wagon opened immediately.
His tall frame exited the car just as I opened my door after pushing the button for my seat to change positions.
At five foot six, I sat much closer to the wheel and pedals than that of the six foot three tree stalking over to where I was.
“Yo, you gotta start using your back camera, Kars. The fuck you got it for if yeen gonna use it?” Killah’s voice spilled from the lowered driver side window.
I approached the passenger side laughing. “Stop talking shit. I do use my cameras. That’s just a tight garage and he knows it.”
Killah laughed. “Nah he just doesn't want you to dent his shit up like you did last time.”
I waved him off, watching Psy get out of my truck and open the back door to get my bag. “Maybe that too. You can leave that in there. I’m leaving after we talk.” My lying ass.
Killah laughed lazily. “Yeah, aight. Don’t put on for me, Sis. I know y’all are endgame.”
I laughed. “Says who?”
“Says me. Bag light as fuck like you don’t know you’re spending the weekend with me.” Posydiann rounded the truck, standing to the side of me.
“’Cause I’m not.”
“Yeah, y’all on some shit. I wanna be just like y’all when I grow up. Lemme go see if my baby fuckin’ with me tonight or not.”
“Aight, hit me up when you make it in.” Posydiann grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the gate next to his.
“Bet. Take it easy on him, Kars,” he said before he pulled off.
After he pulled off, we entered the gate and headed into his grandmother’s house.
Just like the last time I’d seen her, she was seated at the kitchen table, scratching lottery tickets.
The only difference today was her hair was in two braids to the back and her glasses were sitting on the tip of her nose.
“That’s my pretty girl, isn’t it?” She smiled as soon as Psy had me in the door.
“Yeah, this is her stank ass.”
I turned around and hit him in the shoulder to which he laughed.
“Language, boy. Damn, your mouth needs to be washed out with soap.”
“My bad, Grams. Where is Mama?”
“Up there asleep. She said her head hurt. I went up there about an hour ago. How have you been, Karsyn, baby?” I hugged her then stepped to the side of her as Posydiann moved through the house.
“I’ll be right back,” he called over his shoulder.
“I’ve been good, ma’am. Working a lot and trying to stay focused. How about you?”
“Oh nothing, trying to stay busy and alive. You know at my age the most important part about life is staying alive long enough.”
I smiled.
“You will.”
“I hope so, baby. I hear you trying to leave my hardheaded baby alone.”
I giggled, about to explain myself, but she held her hands up to stop me.
“I don’t know what’s going on between you and I don’t want to.
But I like you for him and I understand being young and fine.
You gotta do what’s best for you. So, when I say his heart is pure, he just carries a few dents from life.
Am I telling you my baby is the best for you?
Of course I am, I’m his grandmother. But you have to make him be that and not allow him to just be. ”
Her words resonated. I had to make him be without just letting him be.
“He’s got a hard exterior, but a heart of gold. I think you know that, which is why you still put up with his shit.”
I nodded. Maybe she was right and that was exactly it.
We spent about an hour over at his grandmother’s house before going to his place.
While Junior talked my ears off about a car, Psy disappeared, going up to his bedroom.
I could tell Psy had no interest in Junior’s talk of a car because his grown ass pouted before carrying my bag to his bedroom.
It was like he wanted me to follow him, but I wasn’t about to, not yet.
I was serious about talking. Posydiann liked to say I had him, but how?
He didn’t talk because he wasn’t too much of a talker.
I kept thinking he’d open up, but he never did.
Yes, we spent time, and I loved being around him, but I was always left wondering what the hell I liked being around.
Even after all this time I felt like I was the one who did all the talking.
We had gone through the stage of him telling me to stay out of Watertown and how it wasn’t safe for me.
I got that, but look at where I was right now?
Here… with him and lord I hated how it felt like I belonged even though I had no clue of what I belonged to.
“Yo, you hungry?” His voice filled my eardrum as his hand found the small of my back.
“A little bit, but I’m alright.” It was then I noticed Junior heading toward the stairs.
“Night, y’all,” he yelled over his shoulder, leaving me and his father on the first floor.
“Pancakes?” he asked, bringing a smile to my face.
It was moments like this that made it impossible for me to walk away and stay …
away. Though he didn’t talk, he listened and he retained.
Things you’d think he forgot or didn’t acknowledge flowed from his lips weeks or even months later.
Posydiann had me feeling like I was the crazy one in this situation.
Because how the hell was I supposed to leave a man alone who knew me as well as he did.
I was the crazy one, asking for more when this should have just been fun.
I sighed. “No, you don’t have to make me pancakes. We’re supposed to talk, remember?”
“We can talk while I make you these pancakes.”
“I don’t want no damn pancakes Posydiann.”
He laughed. “You do and you wanna watch your fucking tone. I ain’t some meek ass nigga.”
I was silent, just staring at the back of his head. Because yeah I did want a fucking pancake, but he didn’t have to tell me I did.
He went into the fridge and grabbed the butter and milk, then into the pantry for the pancake batter. “For a motherfucker who wants to talk, you sure ain’t doing no talking.” He turned around with a silver bowl and the contents to mix for pancakes. Did I mention he made the best pancakes?
“’Cause I’m waiting for you to talk. I always do the talking,” I responded, watching him focus.
“You said I’m ruining you. How?” He cut his eyes between me and the task at hand. There was fire in them, heavy and blazing, like my statement bothered him.
I swallowed hard, bitching up immediately.
“You went from telling me you weren’t good for me and to stay from over here to telling me I’m not going anywhere.
You have all these things going on in your mind, but you only allow small spillage.
I can’t read your mind, and as much as I’d love to be able to, there is no way.
Some days I feel like you want me, but others I feel the distance.
You tell me I have you, but do I? You give me whiplash and the crazy part is I accept it. ”
He stopped mixing the batter and just stared at me. It was that look that let me know he heard everything I said but didn’t know how to verbally respond.
“See.”
“I told you from the beginning I wasn’t a talker. If I remember correctly, you told me you could talk enough for the both of us. Perfect match, right, baby?”
I shook my head at him using my own words against me. “Posydiann.” I was so na?ve when I said that shit, so damn dumb.
“Nah, don’t Posydiann me, Syn. Lemme lay this shit out on the table for you and make it clear, so we don’t end up here again.
This is me and you, Karsyn. You belong to me and I to you.
If you ever think you’re gonna be with another, be ready to duck ’cause I’m sending hot shit.
Yeah, I told you in the beginning that this wasn’t it.
Shit I also told your ass to steer clear of me, but did you?
You didn’t give me a choice. You made me like this with you.
Now deal with it, ’cause we together till the fucking casket drops.
I don’t know who else you gotta go tell that shit to, but make sure you got it through your thick ass skull. ”
I’d be lying if I said the way he talked to me didn’t turn me on. It was something about natural authority. I feel like he threatened me, but I didn’t have anything to say back. He meant what the fuck he said.
I swallowed hard as hell, looking anywhere but at him.
“Oh what, you're done talking?” He turned around and poured the contents of the bowl into the pan.
“No, I just don’t have anything to say. You seem to have everything figured out, even though I told you I was leaving you alone. I’m not forcing you into anything you don’t want. And then you’re making this all seem so easy, when we both know it’s not.”
“Baby, you speaking a whole bunch of bullshit and quite honestly fuck everything you just said. It’s as easy as we fucking make it. This is me and you, fuck anybody else.”