Chapter 7
SEVEN
Karsyn
I had been under Posydiann since his uncle died.
I left from time to time to get some business done, but other than that, I had been there for him because he needed me.
It was the look in his eyes and the way he held me.
Even before Unc died, he and I had become so much closer, him talking more, even letting me in though I knew that was hard for him. He tried, and for that, I was grateful.
I stood in front of the wedding dress, smiling at my newest additions. I had gone from sleeveless to lace sleeves and changed the neckline. I was set to be here for a while today, but I was hoping it sprang by.
There was a knock at the door which made me look up from the dress. I locked eyes with my brother who stood with bags and a smile, seemingly waiting for me to open the door.
I opened the door, letting him in.
“I don’t see much of you since you call yourself having a man,” he said, no greeting or anything, just a mug and what looked like a box of pastries.
I laughed. “You saw me last week, whore. And if you miss me, just say that.”
“Lowkey I think I did. Now here, get these damn pastries.”
I smiled, grabbing the box that read Best Kept Secret from him. “Thank you, and how did you know I was here?”
“Because I have your location, shorty, remember that. Who do you have coming in here today?” He looked around before his eyes landed back on me.
“Nobody, so you ca—” A knock on the door made me turn around. Of course today Amethyst decided to be on time as opposed to every other time we had an appointment scheduled.
“Nobody, my ass,” Kolton said from behind me as I moved to open the door for her. He had a big dumb smirk on his face and I absolutely hated it.
I shook my head because he damn sure wasn’t fooling anybody. What was lowkey funny to me was the fact that Amethyst had a little crush on my brother and he didn’t pay her a lick of attention, but now she was on to something else, he was seemingly checking for my girl. Just like a nigga.
“Hey girl hey,” Amethyst greeted, walking in, her attention all in her phone.
“That’s all you see?” Kolton asked almost as soon as she finished speaking.
“You didn’t let me finish speaking. Hello, Kolton.”
I laughed, deciding to mind all of my own business.
“Why do you gotta say it with an attitude, Purp? You’re too pretty to be giving me attitude for no reason so early in the morning. What did I do to you, baby?”
She laughed at his flirting.
Instead of staying and listening, I headed to the back to get everything I would need.
I focused on trying to get through this day.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was restless, trying not to move too much because I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep.
I watched social media videos most of the night, trying to drown my anxiety.
I didn’t know what it was, but I was also feeling trapped in my head.
I was grateful Psy stayed asleep this morning because he probably would have picked up on it and not let it go.
It might have been the fact that I was getting used to not only existing peacefully in my own space, but more in that of someone else’s.
I had been spending a lot of time with him and Junior, and though I liked it, I was a lone wolf.
I had always been this way, which was why most of my life I asked God why he gave me a twin.
I absolutely loved my brother, but I needed my space more often than he did.
I had to recharge and be left alone a lot.
Posydiann called them antisocial moments, but I called them moments of rejuvenation.
With that being said, I had been spending a lot of time at his home and under him.
Maybe that was the source of my anxiety, getting used to something I had never considered before.
When I made my way back into the front, my eyes landed on my brother standing at the window with his attention on Amethyst who was enjoying one of the pastries from the box he brought in.
“Absolutely not,” I mouthed to him as I passed.
He chuckled, stuffing his hands into his trouser pockets. “Always trying to stop my greatness. But anyway, I was just stopping by to check in. I need to get back to the lounge.”
I nodded as he pulled me into a side hug, then kissed my forehead. “And Amethyst, remember what we talked about. I’d really like to get your input.”
I threw my head back. “What did y’all talk about in the short time I was gone?”
“Business. Call me when you make it in.” Kolton was out of the door seconds later, leaving me to grill my friend.
She threw her hands up in surrender. “I swear it’s just business.”
I laughed. “It better be, because you’re happy. Don’t let my brother fuck up your home.”
She nodded. “After this fitting, do you wanna have lunch or do you have another client coming in?”
“Nah, we can have lunch. You’re the only person I have scheduled. I only have some sketches to finish.”
“You are so fucking talented. Like you make money with your hands. It’s so beautiful and I think my favorite part is when you send me a picture of a sketch right before you bring it to life.”
I smiled hard at the random compliments. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. I’m glad you finally decided to be my friend.”
I cackled. She always joked like that. I didn’t mean to be so standoffish in our world, but with a father like mine, you naturally stayed to yourself. Only recently had I really opened up to people like Patience and Amethyst who came from similar backgrounds to my own.
“So, where are you headed?” Amethyst asked.
“Psy’s. I haven’t heard from him today. Kind of worried,” I said, sipping from my sparkling water.
“About what?”
I shrugged. “He just lost his uncle. Could be anything, honestly.”
She shook her head. “You’ve always prided yourself on not being a lover girl, but baby, it’s all in your eyes and every mention of him. You’re in deep and don’t even know it.”
I laughed. “Oh I know it. I’m gonna let him meet my mother next week.”
“Yeah, bitch, that’s deep, but I love that for you. I feel like you need some real love. I’m guessing he’s never gonna meet your father?” She laughed at the last part of her statement.
“No the fuck he isn’t. Shoot, I wish I wouldn’t have met my father. Waste of space and energy.”
We both laughed at my statement, because just like I did, she too knew I was serious.
After my lunch with Amethyst, I headed back to Posydiann’s place. This morning we’d agreed I was coming back after my business and we’d sort of discuss dinner then. I didn’t mind because that meant nine times out of ten we‘d order out.
What I didn’t expect when I walked in the door was for him to be in such a mood.
He was grieving, so I understood, but it was like he was brooding.
Instead of bothering him, I elected to give him space.
For the most part I talked to Junior when he was in the kitchen, then I busied myself with my phone, looking for something to eat.
I didn’t want to bother him, so I decided to just figure it out on my own.
That way whenever he came out of this moment, there would be food waiting on him.
“Karsyn.” His voice was heavy, filled with something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He was off, but I had learned to wait for him to come out of his brain.
“Yeah, babe?” I looked up from my phone. He had been distracted since I came in, so I busied myself on my phone.
His eyes matched his voice. Something was wrong.
“What’s wrong?” I asked immediately, my chest tightening, the feeling of anxiety coursing through me.
He paused, staring at me.
His hands immediately went to the back of his neck, then he began to speak. “You remember when you told me if this wasn’t working for me to tell you?”
I blinked once, then several times.
“What?” I tilted my head to the side.
“This, me and you, ain’t working for me.”
My heart dropped as I stared at him. There was nothing in his eyes, they were blank.
“I thought this was what I wanted, but it ain’t. I think it’s best if you don’t come around anymore. Steer clear of Junior. Just keep your distance and I’ll keep mine.”
I scrunched my face, more confused than hurt at this point. “Are you serious?” I found myself asking, my hand on my chest because it felt like my heart was about to abandon its post.
“I’on wanna string you along when I don’t see this going anywhere.” He said it like it was nothing, like I was nothing to him.
Tears began to cloud my eyes. I refused to let him see me cry. I was hurt most of all, but now I was enraged. How dare he?
“Bitch ass nigga! I told you to leave me alone. To let me go before you damaged me too bad for the next. But you didn’t listen, and now here we are. You have me so fucked up and you don’t even fucking realize it. You played.”
I snatched my purse from the island and my jacket from the chair next to him then rushed toward the door, but I stopped in my tracks.
“When you realize how bad you just fucked up, I promise you I won’t be there. Fuck you, Posydiann!” Then I pushed out of the door with a quickness, needing somewhere to cry alone, somewhere to let the brokenness in my chest seep out because it sure wouldn’t be in front of him.
When I made it to my car I was even more broken to see he hadn’t followed me. I was entirely alone. I pulled away from the curb, tears streaming down my face because I could no longer hold them back.
Fuck, I should have walked away. I shouldn’t have ever allowed myself to see something with him. But I did, I fell in love with a man incapable of loving me back because he didn’t feel worthy of it. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why because he had nothing but love around him.
I called myself driving home, but I drove right past that place, feeling like I needed space from there too.
Before I knew it I was pulling into the family estate, bypassing my father’s home and going to my mother’s.
I parked and sat there, my heart still in my stomach and my chest hollow.
What could I say or do? Everything in me felt broken.
I’d cried the entire way here, telling myself I’d pull it together when I parked, but how could I?
I begged him to leave me be, to leave me alone before anything, but look at me.
More tears fell before I finally got out of the car.
Then I pulled myself to my mother’s front door and used my key to get in. I’d just talked to her earlier, so I knew she was probably watching old movies with my dog. She loved when I left him with her.
When I entered, she was standing in the foyer, BJ at her feet.
“Karsyn, what are you…? Oh my god, what’s wrong?” She rushed me, pulling my body into hers.
I didn’t respond. I was too choked up by the tears I’d told myself I was done with when I got out of the car. She ushered me to the sofa and just held me like only she could at a moment like this.
Heartbreak was the equivalent of being hit by a bus. Everything hurts with the threat of nothing being the same after.
Somehow I convinced my mom I was fine, when I was none of the sort.
I just needed space and a place to be, so she walked me to my room and said she was going to put tea on.
That left me to my thoughts, to my mental questioning of how I’d get through this, because I had to.
Posydiann had done what no man had ever been able to, he’d chipped at a piece of me.
A part of me I wasn’t sure if I’d get back.
I sat in the same space for a minute, mentally going back to the look in his eyes and the way he just broke up with me without a real explanation.
He broke me and didn’t even say he was sorry.
He didn’t chase me nor did he even make sure I made it to my car.
This was all my fault. My thoughts were immediately interrupted by feeling like I needed to throw up. I rushed to the bathroom.
“Baby, you gotta stop crying. You know you throw up when you cry too much. Baby, I need you to calm down.” My mother’s voice filled the bathroom before her hand touched my back.
How was I supposed to stop crying when it wouldn’t stop hurting?