Chapter Five
Thanh
I woke slowly, my mind coming up through a thick fog. There were never any dreams when Tohm-Tohm put me out, but I still felt as if I were leaving some place that was warm and safe. I didn’t move right away; experience had taught me that was a bad idea after an episode like this. So I started with wiggling my toes, and when that was okay, I rotated my ankles.
I worked each muscle group all the way up my body until I reached my face, stretching my jaw and finally opening my eyes. That was when I decided to sit up a bit because this definitely was not the cockpit, though the lumpy softness under me should’ve been my first clue to that.
It was a tiny closet of a room with a very low light coming from above. Everything was mismatched, the handles on the cubbies, the sheets and pillow cases. The faint tang of reconstituted ration packets reached my nose and my stomach gave a cramping growl. I had no idea how long I’d been out, but sometimes it could be days depending on how bad my system was depleted.
“A full day and a few hours. It is now tomorrow evening. I had to reassure Jax that you weren’t dead. Thanks for leaving that to me by the way, you owe me.”
I cringed, wondering what had happened with the crew and where the hell I was. If Jax hadn’t been able to meet up with Zephyr, was he taking me back to the Intrepid? If he had met up with Zephyr, why was I here? Was this her ship? There were too many questions and I needed answers. Being in an unfamiliar environment made my anxiety spike. I was sure it was tied to the month I didn’t remember. That included my surgery and the post-op because before then, I’d been up for any kind of new adventure. But now, certain things had to be managed or I’d spiral.
So I breathed, in and out. Told myself that I was safe, that I was cared for, and that I would be fine. Tohm-Tohm reassured me that all was well, and I clung to his reassurances.
Very slowly, I sat up fully and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I forced myself to sit there for a moment and that’s when I realized that I was in different clothes. A flowing green shirt that hung off one shoulder and soft cream leggings and socks hugged my lower body. A pair of worn but sturdy brown boots sat nearby on the floor. On the table next to the bed was a hypo with a familiar vial of pain meds locked in and a container of water was next to it.
I seized the water and gulped half of it in one go before getting gingerly to my feet. I had all the ‘usual’ aches and pains in my hips, knees and lower back. The rash on my back was a constant itching fire that I had mostly learned how to ignore except when the sores came on and burst. As I rotated my shoulders, there was the normal scratch of the dry skin against the fabric but no tearing. At least I didn’t have to deal with that and Jax.
“He’s been…unusually attentive to you.”
That stopped me in my tracks and I looked down at the clothes again.
He didn’t —
“No, Zephyr changed your clothes and sponged you off. I like her.”
You like anyone with cybernetics since that woman on Venus last year. I wonder if Zephyr is here…and where the bathroom is.
Suddenly there was immense pressure on my bladder and I waddled from the effort to keep it in. At least the room was small enough that it took barely two steps before I was at a set of doors, one smaller than the other. I pressed my palm to the panel and it slid open to reveal the galaxy’s tiniest bathroom. I rushed to the toilet, which was pressed between the very shallow sink and the wall, and sat down with a relieved sigh. The tiles were cold, even through my socks, and the light was that kind of eye-piercing fluorescent that I didn’t think they made any more in the GUP. A stall, that I highly doubted would fit Jax, stood clean, if a little worn, on the other side of the sink, and two clean thread-bare towels were hanging from the handle of the frosted door.
Wherever I was, it was a ship meant for one and I hoped like hell I wouldn’t be trapped in it with Jax for too long. I wouldn’t be held responsible for what happened to him.
And then it hit me: he’d seen me passed out, vulnerable and weak.
I groaned and pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes.
“He’s been worried, not gloating.”
Doesn’t matter, I’d made myself a promise: never at anyone’s mercy, ever again. Especially that jackass’s.
I washed my hands and face then limped to the hypo next to the bed. The effort to twist my upper body, so I could get the pain reliever in my low back near my hip, caused my back muscles to cramp several times. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying out and breathe through it all until everything loosened up. Finally, I was able to get the hypo in the right place and hold the plunger down. Within seconds, the pain medicine took the edge off the aches and I was able to do some gentle stretches to my legs and back before leaving the room.
Ever since the Academy, Jax always brought out my worst side. I’d once thought I had judged him unfairly, but I was quickly disabused of that notion and just wanted to forget that Jax Vabaris had ever existed. But then he showed up on the Intrepid, working the same shift as me, going on the same missions, making the same friends. I couldn’t get away from the son of a bitch.
And then after the battle for Sanctuary, things had been off between us. There had been a moment after, when we were celebrating, when I thought I glimpsed a completely different person under the bravado and walking innuendos. I thought I saw that man that been with me in my garage the night before my engine test, the one that had made me feel…
When we returned to the Intrepid, to regular duty, and we both slipped right back into the same roles as before. He’d say something to piss me off, and I’d rise to the bait, though it lacked the bite it usually did. Or I’d find some new way to poke at his infuriatingly sexy persona and we’d be off to the races, trading snipes and verbal jabs.
Except lately, it didn’t energize or entertain me, it just made me tired.
Come on, pull it together. You’ve got a job to do, he has a job to do. Keep it profesh, and get away from him as fast as you can. You’ve got this.
I straightened my shoulders, put a smile on my face and then jumped out of my skin when the door slid open with a loud hiss.
“Jesus Christ!”
Jax’s huge arm darted out and wrapped around my waist just as I started to tip back, my muscles weak from being out that long and not eating.
For a split second, with my hands on his firm chest, pressed up against his warm body and looking up into those bright purple eyes, I forgot that I hated him. I don’t know how, or why, but I had the insane urge to wrap myself around him and let him hold me, knowing he’d keep me safe.
But he didn’t before. In fact, he did the most damage anyone’s ever done to me. He’s not safe…I need to get away from him.
“Hey, are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I snapped out of my insanity and pushed against him hard.
“You better not be making a habit of putting your hands on me.”
The openness in his face, the same look from Sanctuary that I’d just been picturing before he startled me, melted into something hard, something now very familiar.
“Come on, I’ve got dinner and we need to talk.”
“Well, that’s ominous,” I murmured following him the very short distance across the hall to a compact kitchen and dining area.
Two bowls of some kind of stew sat on the table where two chairs were squeezed between the table and the wall on one side, with countertops on the other. A small plate of flat bread sat in the middle with two mugs of water.
I fell on the food like a starved woman, which I kinda was. I hadn’t had reconstituted rations in a long time, and they were just as over seasoned and strange as ever, but they were also incredibly delicious.
We ate in silence until I had finished my second bowl and two pieces of the flat bread. I didn’t feel too bad since Jax ate three bowls of the stuff and the rest of the flat bread, but he was twice my size, if not more, so it made sense.
“Do we need to ration? Did I just eat tomorrow’s breakfast?”
He snorted and wiped his mouth.
“No, we’ll be to Narrou tomorrow.”
My stomach dipped and I wished I hadn’t eaten so much because I had a feeling I was not going to like the rest of this conversation.
“Where’s Narrou? I don’t recognize the name of the planet,” I said.
“It’s not a planet, it’s a ship, my mother’s to be exact. We’re going to the Titus Federation, on Zephyr’s orders.”
He got up as I sat there, mouth open like a fish on a hook, my mind trying to digest what I’d just heard. When Jax returned, it was with a bottle of some kind of red liquor and two battered metal cups. He poured us both a cupful and I took mine without even asking what it was. When the liquor hit my throat, it burned in the best way and I closed my eyes, savoring the taste of cherries and smoke on the back of my tongue.
“Let me know when you’re ready for the rest,” he said, taking a generous pull from his cup.
“Oh fuck…” I took a longer drink this time and coughed a little before giving him the go ahead.
As he spoke, I swear my mind started to overheat and every cell in my body simultaneously froze in place and wanted me to run. From the way he was pounding back the liquor and the stern expression on his face, I knew Jax wasn’t any happier about this than I was, which made me a strange mix of happy and annoyed.
When he got to the part about us being AWOL, I jumped out of my chair and tried to pace in the tragically small dining space.
“Zephyr will fix it,” Jax said, his voice sounding as miserable about it as I felt. “But in the meanwhile, we are cut off from the GUP.”
“I didn’t agree to this,” I said, jabbing a finger at him. “I was unconscious and you…”
“I know,” he mumbled, not meeting my eye. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen.”
“What, ruining my career or agreeing to a dangerous mission for me?”
“Both. Contrary to what you might think, I don’t want your life ruined. You’re the best pilot I’ve ever seen and I know you’ve worked your ass off for it, so the last thing I want to do is take that away from you.”
That stunned me into silence and all I could do was frown at him. My brain wasn’t quite absorbing the fact that Jax, of all people, just gave me one of the best compliments I’d ever received, and he was sincere about it.
“Thanks,” I said, shifting from foot to foot before sitting back down.
“Besides, I’d rather be trapped in a marriage with literally anyone but you,” he replied.
“And there’s the asshole I’ve come to know and loathe.”
We both chuckled at that and it felt…comfortable. Like we were just two friends sharing a bottle and some verbal jabs without trying to hurt one another.
But Jax and I were not friends, so what was this?
I shrugged it off and finished off my second cup, which was working its way through me in a warm, hazy trail. My muscles unwound and before I knew it, I was reclining and poking fun at Jax’s inability to win at cards with anyone on the ship. It was better than talking about the huge elephant in the room, but when I started my third cup, I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
“So,” I said, swallowing back a little burp, “I’m supposed to be your…mate?”
“Yep.”
“And together we’re supposed to find this legendary engine that you’re not even sure really exists,” I took a drink, “but Sylthor thinks it does and so all these Pirate Federations are searching for it and we have to get there first and put your mom on some throne. Isn’t she a queen already?”
“Yes, and there’s a throne that rules the rest —”
I giggled and then burped again.
“So it’s the one throne to rule them all.” I said the last word into the cup before I took a drink.
He stared at me and I waved his gaze away, realizing he probably thought I was nuts.
“Not nuts, just drunk.”
You’re supposed to filter it out of my system so I’m not! Fallin’ down on the job.
“This stuff is too strong and you’re drinking it too fast.”
“You know like the one ring? Forget…it’s Human…stuff,” I told Jax with a burp.
“I’ve read Tolkien, I took the ancient Earth lit class with you, remember?”
“Oh yeah. You really sucked at it.”
“Thanks.”
“Welcome.” This time the burp was louder and I cringed at the taste in the back of my throat. “What is this stuff?”
“Zorestran brandy, and I probably shouldn’t have given you a third cup,” he said, reaching for the mug.
I pulled it away and glared at him.
“Back off, Mr. Grabby Hands!”
“Thanh, you’re drunk.”
“Not yet, but if I’m gonna do this,” another burp, “I’m gonna need to be loaded tonight.”
He frowned at me in confusion.
“Why do you need to be drunk tonight?” And then his eyes got huge. “You don’t…we aren’t, we don’t need to —”
“Oh my god, relax! I didn’t mean we had to screw!” I took another drink and glared at him over the top of my mug. “Although, why is that so bad? I mean, of all the hundreds of holes your dick has been in, why is mine the one that makes you look like you think I have teeth down there?”
He snorted and shifted in his seat before draining his mug and refilling it, drinking again and giving me another nervous laugh.
“I don’t think that. I just…we don’t…have that kind of chemistry, that’s all.”
“Oh please, you think you have chemistry with everyone . If it can consent and has a place to stick your cock, you’d fuck it.”
He opened his mouth like he was going to argue with me and then snapped it shut with a shrug.
“Did you just concede?” I asked, with glee.
“Only because you’re right, I do have chemistry with everyone. Except you.”
Usually I’d think of something brilliant to lob back at him, but the liquor was making me slow and foggy. And I was having a very hard time shaking off the knowledge that yeah, he would fuck anyone, except me.
“What? You said it,” he said after a few minutes of me staring into my cup. “Do you want me to want to fuck you?”
Now it was my turn to snort.
“No, sheesh, far from it.”
“Then why are you sitting there pouting?”
“Because, you said it like it was grossh,” I slurred, a burp burning up my throat. “I’m not grossh. I’ll have you know that I have to beat them off with a shtick.”
“Oh, I’m sure,” he grinned smugly into his cup.
“Fuck off, Jax. Do you have any idea how many of your friendsh I shlept with at the Academy?”
His smile tightened and I felt the thrill of impending victory.
“And on the Intrepid?” I added.
His left eye twitched, just a little, and he became very focused on the label on the bottle.
“Shome of them more than once. Taylor, he wasss sooo good! He really knew what he was doing down there.”
Jax rubbed a hand over his face.
“And then Caleb, you ‘member him? He was huge, and I mean everywhere , not jush tall. And he did this thing with his tail and —”
“I’ve heard what he did with his tail and dick.”
“Sho you know then, it was a religioush esperience.”
“Yeah, great, good for you.”
“Oh, don’t be jealoush, I’m sure he would’ve fucked you, if he hadn’t already had the best,” I teased, pointing to myself while I did a little dance in my seat and drained the cup. “And then there was Sheldon. You wouldn’t think a guy with that name would be an animal in the shack but oh my gawd!”
“Okay, I don’t need a list,” he tried to pour another for himself but I pulled the bottle from his hand and he tried to grab it back. “I think you’ve had enough.”
“Of you? Hell yeah, I have.”
“Yeah, I get it, you hate my guts.” He yanked the bottle away, spilling liquor on the table. “But tomorrow we have to meet my family and I’d really like it if you weren’t hungover.”
“I’m not gonna be! Tohm-Tohm will fix it. He alwaysh doesh…but he’s doin’ shit job thisss time.”
“Zorestran brandy is made for Zorestrans, not miniature Humans who think they’re invincible.”
I hadn’t been well and truly drunk for a long time, so I wasn’t even trying to control myself when I went from gleefully rubbing salt in the wound I’d inflicted one minute, and jumping up to slap him across the face the next.
“Whoah, Thanh!”
“What the hell!” Jax demanded, eyes flashing.
“I’m not invins’ble,” I slurred, tears coming to my eyes, which just made me ten times more furious. “I know it better than anyone. But you never let me forget it, do you? Alwaysh bringing it up…rubbing it in my face. Why can’t you jush…jush stop?”
Tears fell in hot drops down my cheeks and my chest was tight, every inch of my body too warm. My entire back might be a physical wound that wouldn’t heal properly, but there was one wound, even worse, deep inside, that I tried to hide and wrap in bandages so thick that no one could ever touch it. And Jax always found a way to hit me there.
Usually I’d lob an insult to do maximum damage and soothe my guilt by telling myself that it was more than justified.
But tonight every defense was as wobbly as my legs right now, and Jax had snuck past before I could prepare myself. So when I stared down at him, I could dismiss the horror and guilt on his face as a trick of the light and the alcohol burning through my system. He didn’t feel remorse, he couldn’t. Because if he did, then I’d have to think about forgiving him for that day and I swore I never, ever would.
“Thanh…I’m —”
“Fuck off…”
And with that parting shot, I snagged the bottle from the table and stumbled the few feet back to the room. The moment the door slid shut, I fell down onto my ass and let myself have a good, awful cry.