Chapter Twenty-Five
Thanh
I was sticky and breathless as Jax carried me to the enormous walk in shower. Being with him was freeing in a way I could never have anticipated. I didn’t have to hide a single thing from him. Not my back, my pain or how much I loved filthy sex.
When the warm spray hit me I sighed; the multiple shower heads meant that even though Jax was behind me, I was still getting the soothing water on my body.
“How’s your back?” he asked, massaging shampoo into my hair.
“For the most part, compared to how it usually is, it’s amazing. But my hips and low back are a bit sore.”
His hands stalled on my hair and I turned around, wagging a finger in his face.
“Don’t you dare start treating me like I’m fragile!”
“I won’t but we do need to be careful. You may feel better, but there are still boundaries, they’re just new.”
He turned me around and continued to wash my hair.
“You’re not going to pull back?” I asked and cringed at the question.
I sounded too scared, too apprehensive. Instinct told me to hide all of that behind a smile and a care free attitude. But that had never been my way with Jax. And hating him, being mean would no longer work. I had no defenses, no road map to go by. It was all new and uncharted.
Jax didn’t answer right away. He finished washing and rinsing my hair and then soaped up his hands, running them over my shoulders and chest, careful of the scratches from his scruff and teeth.
“I won’t back off, unless you ask me to,” he said, his hands tracing reverent patterns on my ass and thighs with soapy hands. “I will always give you what you need, I will always respect your boundaries. And I will never treat you like you’re fragile, because you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
Tears burned my eyes and even though this wasn’t the first time I’d been naked with him, I felt utterly exposed. When his arms circled me, holding my back to his front, I was stiff at first, holding myself back a bit. I half expected him to release me, to get frustrated that I couldn’t just let go. But he was patient, his hands caressing my stomach and mons in soft slow circles, like he would wait however long it took.
So when I finally leaned back against him, the armor that I’d clung to all these years to protect myself from the pain of trusting the wrong people, cracked in half. I felt it fall away, like a thunder clap inside my chest. I expelled a shaky breath and closed my eyes, the tears that fell down my cheeks mixed with the shower water.
But somehow, I knew Jax could see them. He saw so much more than I ever thought or wanted to admit. And even though we had spent so long despising one another, he had never, ever doubted my strength.
I turned in his arms and looked up. Inside I was trembling without my usual barriers and protections, but outside I was bold. I pulled his mouth down to me and scorched our past with a searing kiss.
His calloused hands traced the seam of my ass and massaged each of my cheeks before pulling me up by my thighs. I wrapped my legs around him and found his cock already extruding again, the tip pressing to my soaked cunt.
I didn’t question his quick recovery because I needed him inside of me, to fill me and stretch me. I hadn’t ever been much of a penis-in-vagina lover; with my disability, it was difficult. But between the healing, and how amazing the last several orgasms were, I found myself craving him.
“Look at me,” he gasped.
I couldn’t refuse him because I wanted to connect in every way, even if it frightened me. So as he entered me with exquisite slowness, I witnessed the moment through his eyes as much as mine, glimpsed the depths of his feelings for me, the bare truth that shone through his gaze. This was more than a fun time to Jax, more than a momentary blip in his life. I was special, wanted by him to a degree that went beyond my body.
Without any promise that I would return these feelings, Jax was willing to be unguarded with me. And in so doing, I couldn’t look away. It was mesmerizing, addictive to be gazed at like this. I’d never experienced this warm adoration before and I was suddenly greedy for it.
So when his strokes picked up, the ridges around his cock caressing my inner walls and his voice shattered with sharp pleasure, I let myself be carried away too. I clung to him, I kissed the water off his lips, gave him a part of me that had been buried behind fear and pain for so long I had forgotten it was there. But Jax had somehow uncovered it. A helpless tenderness that was willing to be bruised for love.
His forehead was pressed to mine, our breaths mingling as our bodies slapped against one another. I tumbled into bliss so fast that I was caught off guard by it and screamed, toes curling, fingernails digging into his shoulders.
“Yes…give it all to me,” he growled. “Give me everything cheja …Thanh…”
His voice broke on my name and hot spurts of cum filled me as he trembled. I held him tighter, my thighs clenching around his waist to keep him inside of me a little longer.
“I’m not leaving,” he breathed against my throat, “I’m right here.”
A sob crackled in my exhaled breath and I buried my face in his shoulder, silently crying. I prayed he didn’t ask me why because I wasn’t sure I could lie to him anymore, and I wasn’t ready to face the hurricane of emotions he’d stirred up inside of me. I needed time to come to terms with how my life had changed so radically all of the sudden.
Lies that I’d believed for years, that had formed foundations of opinions, were destroyed. I felt unmoored from beliefs that I thought had made me strong, but were actually weighing me down. I could see that now, but it was still frightening to walk away and face who I was without them. There were good things here with Jax, a future I could find purpose and fulfillment in, it was just a question of being brave enough to accept it all.
“Mmmm…that’s amazing,” I crooned.
“I live to serve.” Jax’s sinful voice was deep, and close to my ear.
The room was lit with dozens of candles, and the remnants of the dinner that Jax brought in from the galley was sitting in the next room. But the wine was on the floor by the bed, where I lay sprawled on my stomach, while Jax gave me a rub down.
When I’d winced in pain getting out of the shower, he’d insisted on rubbing my low back and hips with the Aentrox oil. After so long on my own, dealing with my chronic ailments, I felt spoiled having someone so attentive to my needs. Jax had avoided touching Tohm-Tohm’s new exoskeleton as much as possible but the few times his fingers grazed the healed tendrils, a ticklish sensation curled through me. They were sensitive in an unexpected way, but it didn’t bother Tohm-Tohm or me. If anything, we liked it.
I raised my head and looked back at him. He was so beautiful, kneeling naked beside my legs on the bed, his half extruded cock nestled between thick, muscular thighs with a bare sprinkling of hair on them. I loved the ridges on his phallus, the way they rubbed inside of me just right. But his knot was something I’d only felt on the outside. I had thought he would’ve slipped it in when we were in the shower, but he’d held himself back. Was he holding back because I hadn’t given him a sign that I’d wanted it?
“Does it feel better?” he asked, trailing a finger up the back of my thigh, dragging my thoughts away from such questions.
“Yes, thank you,” I patted the bed next to me. “Come lay down with me.”
Jax snagged his wine glass off the floor, and refilled mine, before stretching out beside me, his torso and head propped against the headboard. Even though our thighs were touching, he was too far away. It was frightening how much I craved his touch, the heat of his body, the tenderness in his eyes. I had no idea what would happen after we stole the engine, and lately, every time I’d tried to think about it, my brain froze. So if this was all I had left with him, I wanted to make every moment count.
I scooted up so I was pressed with my back against his chest, half sitting in his lap. Of all the lovers I’d had since my accident, I couldn’t remember ever being so comfortable with any of them. I loved the tiny tickle of the sparse hair on his chest and thighs. Jax’s large, boxy hand rested on my stomach, practically spanning the entire breadth of it. I placed mine on top of his, marveling at how we fit together in spite of our size difference.
We sipped our wine in silence for a while, but the things we’d been avoiding started to itch between us and soon I knew we had to confront them.
“You were worried about me bonding with Lorac,” I said, and he tensed behind me.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He blew out a long breath through his nose and I moved so I could look at him. Jax ran a hand through his hair and slouched a little forward, his arms resting on his thighs.
“Because it will change everything for you and I never wanted to take away your choices because of this mission.”
“I chose to bond with the ship, and I knew that it was a life-altering decision.”
“But if not for me, you’d be on the Intrepid, piloting it and doing what you’d always dreamed of. Not about to commit a major illegal act with a bunch of pirates.”
He stormed off the bed, clearly angry at himself. When he grabbed a robe, I slipped into my red one and followed him into the sitting room.
“I wanted to be a pilot to explore,” I insisted, “wherever that took me. And since I’ve been with you on this mission, I’ve met aliens I never would have otherwise, I’ve seen a market built almost completely out of old shuttles and starships next to a black hole. I’ve been chased by gangs, I flew a ship into the gullet and out the other side of a giant sand monster! And I now know a little of what it’s like to fly through space, not just as a pilot, but as a Celestial Dragon. Oh! And I’ve met two of those, when I had always thought they were myths. In other words, I’ve had the adventure I never would have if I’d stayed on the Intrepid.”
“So…you like being here?” he asked, a flicker of hope in his voice.
I took his hand and held it tight.
“Yes, very much. I didn’t just join Gex-Corps to be the best pilot they’d ever seen. I wanted adventure, to explore and see things no one had before. And you’ve given me that, Jax.”
“But does that mean you’re staying with…with me, here?”
And there was the big ass elephant in the room.
I knew what he wanted, it was painted all over his face, thick in his voice. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to, that every hour I felt like a thread was tightening inside of me, tying me to him and this life. But the last time I’d committed to something, to someone, it had ended in pain and loss of my own agency. My father had taken advantage of my dreams, and after the crash, my broken body. He’d made me into what he wanted and it took every ounce of strength to break away and forge my own path. I swore no one would have that kind of power over me ever again.
“But Jax wouldn’t do that to you. He’s the opposite of that old bastard. You know that. I know that.”
I know, I just…I’m scared.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, unable to look him in the eye. “I need time…to think and…I just don’t know, Jax.”
“I understand,” his voice was ragged and he gently extricated his hand from mine. “It’s a huge decision.”
“It’s not because I don’t want to or that I don’t care about you.”
I did look at him now and the sad smile on his face was a knife to my chest.
“Care about me,” he repeated with a soft, empty chuckle. “I’m glad you do, it’s a definite improvement from hating me.”
It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, no matter how he was trying to accept it. And if I was being honest with myself, it wasn’t exactly true either. ‘Care about him’ was such an anemic statement for what was bubbling inside of me but the real words, the ones that did capture how I felt, were even scarier than giving him my trust. They were words no one had heard from me, that I had promised I’d never throw around. When I said them, I’d be sure. And there were so many unknowns with Jax. Did I want to be a pirate queen? Did I want this life with him forever? Did I really want to leave the Gex-Corps, living as an ‘acceptable’ outlaw?
I wanted to shout ‘yes’, but I held back. Everything had been drenched in emotions, good and bad. I wanted to see the decisions before me with more logic and consideration. But how, when just being in the same room with Jax caused my world to tilt on its axis and my gravitational pull became firmly in his direction?
Maybe I need to get away after this, be on my own so I can think straight.
“I can’t tell you what you want to hear right now.” The words were as sharp and bitter as needles in my mouth.
“I know. To be honest, this was all more than I’d ever thought…”
He shook his head and drained his wine glass before setting it hard on the table. His broad back was to me, the silk of his robe stretching over the shifting muscles. I wanted to put my arms around him, bring him back to bed where things were simple, clear between us. But he had more to say, so I stayed still, bracing for whatever it was.
“I always thought you’d hate me forever so this, what we’ve shared, it’s a lot more than I ever thought I’d have with you. So if that’s all…” His voice caught, and he paused. When he started speaking again, the words were rough, strained. “If that’s all I can have, I’ll take it for as long as you’re willing to give it.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What would hurt is being around you and not able to kiss you or hold you. So please don’t shut me out,” he turned around, hardened desperation in his eyes. “Please, Thanh.”
I did reach for him then, and without another word, I led him back to the bedroom and tried to show him what I felt.