16
As the final weeks of the year begin, I enter my classroom. Sitting at my desk, I wait to begin class as my students enter. When the classroom clock strikes eight, I notice the empty seat beside Candace.
She sits alone at the table she normally shares with Jaden. I look at her with my brows knitted and my eyes close. She stands and walks toward me, her head bowed.
“What’s wrong, Candace?” I ask.
“I’m not sure. I got this text from Jaden this morning. Here, read it.” She hands me her phone.
I read Jaden’s text;
I’m going to miss a few days this week. I was in a car accident over the weekend.
Outwardly, I keep my composure, handing Candace back her phone. Internally, my mind spins with worry. My heart aches. I can’t show any emotion in class, so I say, “Please let me know if you hear anything more from him.”
“I will, Miss Turner.” Her head falls to her chest as she turns and walks back toward her table.
“Okay, even though Jaden isn’t here, today’s the day we bake and share the lasagna. Candace.” I walk over to her table.
“Yes, ma’am?” Her eyes meet mine.
“I’ll fill in for Jaden and help you today.”
“Thank you, Miss Turner.” She smiles, then slips on her apron.
“Okay, everyone. Are we ready to bake?” I ask, looking around at each team.
All my students nod as they slip their aprons over their heads. I lead them to the back of the classroom, where the ovens are located. Once the pans are in the ovens, the teams begin to make garlic knots to accompany the lasagna.
I stand beside Candace and help her with kneading the dough, rolling it into rolls, then twisting the dough into shapes resembling a knot. Once we’ve made two dozen garlic knots, we place them on baking sheets and slide them into the oven, above the lasagna.
The aroma of garlic fills the room as we all clean up what isn’t needed. After putting everything back in the cabinets, the buzzers sound for the ovens.
There’s a large table which seats twenty. Each place setting is already on the table, waiting for us to sit and enjoy an early lunch.
This dish is my students’ next to the last one before the end of the year. I have a small serving of each one on my plate to taste and to grade.
When everyone has left my classroom, I grasp at my shirt and fall into my chair. I can’t breathe and even though I read the text to Candace from Jaden, I’m not sure I want to breathe anymore. The agony traveling through my body is extreme. The stress builds inside me.
I shouldn’t be this upset. I can be concerned. I do care about my students, all of them.
But he texted her and not you.
“I know,” I say aloud as I sit at my desk. It’s been obvious for months now that Candace and Jaden are an item. I see how she looks at him. How she touches him. How she always waits for him when class ends. I’m happy for them, I really am.
The fuck you are.
I press my palms to my cheeks, then lightly slap myself.
I pack up my briefcase and walk out of the classroom and to my car. I send a text to the university’s administrator, asking her to please cancel my classes for the day.
When I get home, I drop my bag on the sofa. I dig my phone from my purse and text Rae. Her mom takes care of Britney for me on the weeks I have her.
Hey, can you get Britney from your mom and watch her for a few hours tonight? I’ll owe you big time!
Within seconds Rae responds,
Of course. Are you okay? Did something happen?
I’m good. I’ll fill you in when I pick up Britney later. Thank you so much. Kiss Brit for me!
Okay. I will.
I drop my purse and phone on the sofa, then walk to the kitchen. My mind still spinning from hearing about Jaden’s accident from Candace, and not from him.
You told him it was over.
I yank open the cabinet door above the stove, where I keep the cheap glasses, and grab one. Spinning, I throw it against the kitchen wall and scream, “Fuck!” I turn back around and grab another glass. Spinning again, my arm flies forward. Glass goes everywhere, but I don’t care. I don’t fucking care.
But you told him you can’t be with him.
I lean against the counter. My heart claws at my chest as my inner voice won’t shut the fuck up. I can’t take the pain, or the reminders from what we had to what is now. I had to break it off. I fucking had to! I smack my hands over my ears in an attempt to silence the voice inside.
Sliding to the floor, I land hard on my ass, then pull my knees to my chest. I hug my legs and lay my head on my knees. My body won’t stop shaking. I squeeze myself tighter to try to breathe through the pain of not knowing how he is.
Jaden would’ve contacted me directly if he wanted me to know about his accident.
“He’s just my student… just my… student,” I stammer to no one but myself. Thewhispers don’t stop nagging at me over and over.
But is he…really… Just your student?You could’ve found a way to hide your relationship.
“It wasn’t a relationship, it was a two-week sex romp,” I correct my head voice.
Keep telling yourself that. You know it was more than just sex.
I squeeze my legs tighter and shove those thoughts from my mind. It doesn’t matter now. I ended it and he’s moved on.
Sharp, throbbing, tortuous aches crawl over me. I shoot my legs straight out in front of me as I remain seated on the floor. Suddenly I can’t feel my feet, my legs. My head stings, and I can’t stop crying. Why didn’t Jaden text me? Why did he tell Candace and not me? Have I lost him forever? I drag my hands through my hair, then slap my thighs.
I need to see him. But maybe I should text him instead of just showing up at the hospital. How would I explain my presence there? He’s just my student. I can’t go there and ask all kinds of questions. His parents would wonder why his teacher was so worried. I’m just his teacher, not his lover. I can’t go. It’s too risky. What if another student is there visiting him and I show up? I shake my head quickly to try to clear my thoughts.
Go to him. My deepest inner voice shouts out. I clasp my hands together and push them against my chest.
Go to him.
My heart pounds like a million feet stomping. I need to settle down and think rationally before I make a big mistake that will cost me everything.
I drag myself up from the floor and shuffle my feet toward the staircase. Grabbing the railing, I lift my weary body up each step. When I reach the second floor of my house, I turn and go to my bedroom. With measured steps, I take myself to the bathroom and plop onto the small chair in front of the vanity table.
“Holy fuck!” I shout when I catch my reflection in the mirror. Deep inky half circles show below my eyes, which are mapped with thin red lines. My skin is spotted with too many tiny age spots for being only thirty-nine, but knocking on forty.
Deciding to take a bath before I go to Rae’s and pick up Britney, I go to the tub and turn on the faucet. I pour in lavender and lily oils, add bubble bath, and light a few candles, hoping the combination of everything will help settle me.
Stripping off my clothes, I slide my body into the soft warm water and rest my head on the tubular pillow. As soon as I close my eyes, he’s there. Jaden’s beautiful blue eyes staring back at me. He’s etched in my brain.
Go to him.
I take a deep breath and slip underneath the water. Staying under the warm water for as long as I can, I wish it were all a dream and not the clusterfuck it is.
Popping up from underwater when my head voice insists, he’s not just your student, and you know it. Go to him.
I smack my cheeks to try to keep my mind focused on being Miss Turner, the culinary class instructor and not Blaire, Jaden’s lover.
When the water begins to cool, I force myself out of the tub and reach for the oversized white cotton towel draped over the hook on the wall. I wrap it around myself and sit at the vanity table again, this time to fix my face so I don’t look one hundred years old.
I apply layers of makeup to hide my worry lines. Although, I don’t know why I’m even trying so hard. Rae will notice them immediately.
I slip into a pair of leggings and a much too big top, then make my way downstairs. After cleaning up the broken glass, I grab my purse and head out to my car.
Arriving at Rae’s, I park in her driveway and check myself in the visor mirror. My eyes are still puffy, but not bloodshot anymore. I run my hands through my hair and finger tease it, then shake my head before stepping out of my car. I draw in a breath as I straighten my top and walk toward Rae’s house.
She swings the front door open before I can knock, engulfing me in a bear hug. I hold her tight as I let go of my conflicting emotions again. I sob in her arms as she manages to lead me into her home. She sets me down on the sofa and sits beside me. Pushing my hair from my face, Rae asks, “What’s wrong?”
I cover my face with my hands and fall against the sofa. Remembering why I’m actually here, I sit forward and ask, “Where’s Britney?”
“Relax, Blaire. She’s sleeping in the pack-n-play in my room. Look.” She holds the video baby monitor for me to see.
Cradling the monitor in my hands, I stare at my baby girl napping. It’s a bit late in the day for her to be asleep, but I don’t care at the moment. I glance at Rae and hand the monitor back to her.
“She looks so peaceful.” I smile weakly. “How was she?”
“She was perfect.” Rae takes my hand and tugs it gently. “Talk to me; let it all out.”
Taking a deep breath, I hang my head. I take several minutes to gather my thoughts, then look at my best friend.
“It’s Jaden,” I whisper and bite the inside of my cheek. My eyes close; my heart slows.
“What happened? Do you have to discipline him?” She tugs on my hand again to make me look at her.
“No, nothing like that.” My head shakes slowly.
Blowing out her breath, Rae says, “Oh good. So, what is it?”
“He was in a car accident.”
Her eyes widen and she covers her mouth with her hand. “Oh my, god. Is he…” She shakes her head. “I didn’t see anything on the news. How did you find out?”
“One of my students, Candace, she told me. Well, she shared a text Jaden had sent to her with me in class today.”
“Is he okay? Is she his new girlfriend?”
I pull my hand free from Rae’s, crossing my arms under my breasts. I huff out a breath, then say, “I don’t know how Jaden is. Or if Candace and he are seeing each other. It’s not my business. He’s just my student.” I scrunch my face tight, slamming my eyes closed.
“Um… Blaire. I love you like a sister, so I’m going to be bluntly honest with you. Jaden is more than just your student, and you know it. Your reaction to me asking if Candace is his girlfriend proves to me that you had and still have feelings for him. You can tamp them down. You can hide them all you want. You can even deny them, but you care about him much more than a teacher would care about just their student.”
My body sways as I gaze around the living room. My chin rests against my chest. Rae’s right. Jaden isn’t just my student.
“Hey.” Rae rubs my arms up and down with her hands, then squeezes me gently.
I lift my head and catch her concerned gaze.
“I don’t know what to do. Should I go to him? At the hospital? Or wait until Candace tells me more? Fuck! Rae, what do I do?” I lean forward, my head falls against her shoulder.
She wraps her arms around me and says, “Maybe you should call. Or text him. Let him know that Candace told you about his accident. Tell him you’re checking in on him.”
I nod, then bolt upright when Britney cries out. Moving around Rae so I can see the baby monitor on the end table, I reach around her and grab it. Seeing my baby standing in the pack-n-play, I jump from the sofa and rush toward Rae’s bedroom. When I see my sweet baby girl, I scoop her up in my arms, and she wraps her tiny arms around my neck.
“Mama,” she coos, and I squeeze her little body tighter.
“Yes, baby. Mama’s here. I missed you,” I say as I walk with Britney back to the living room.
Rae stands and comes toward me and Britney. She pats Brit’s back and kisses her cheek. “Auntie Rae loves you, sweetie.” Britney reaches for Rae, and I let her take her.
Happiness sweeps back into my heart as I stand beside Rae and watch my daughter hug my best friend.
“Thanks so much for keeping her for me. I owe you.” I pinch Rae’s arm.
“No, you don’t owe me anything. I love spending time with BB. Especially when Grace is with Trevor for the week.” Rae smiles as she hands Britney back to me.
I tilt my head. “Don’t let Preston hear you call Britney BB.” I sit Brit on my hip and hug Rae with my free arm, kissing her cheek.
“Don’t worry, I won’t.” She hugs me back, and we head toward the front door. On her porch, she takes my hand. “Anything you need, you call me. I don’t care what time of the day it is. Please call me, Blaire.”
I blink rapidly, attempting to stop the tears. I nod.
“I will. Thank you. You’re the best friend ever. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She leans in and kisses Britney’s cheek.
“I love you, BB.” Smiling wide, she tickles Brit’s belly.
Britney giggles and grips my arm tighter. I turn and walk down the few steps and to my car. After buckling Britney into her car seat, I look back and wave to Rae, then get in my car. I catch my reflection in the review mirror as my inner voice says, go to him.