Twenty-Three
Aspen
The words hang between us like smoke from a gun I didn’t know was loaded.
“When?” The question comes out flat, deadly calm, which is how I know Kaiden’s just seconds away from losing his shit completely.
“When were you going to tell me, Aspen? Before or after our son graduates high school? Maybe when he got to be an adult who makes his own choices, and you can’t control the narrative anymore? ”
I flinch because if he hadn’t turned up the way he did, maybe Kaiden’s accusation is accurate.
“It’s not that simple…”
“Don’t.” He holds up a hand, taking a step toward me, and I fight the urge to move back. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not simple. You had ten years to figure out how to string together the words ‘you have a child.’ Ten. Fucking. Years.”
“You left me!” My composure, already hanging by a thread, cracks, and my voice takes on a shrill tone, which I hate, but can’t control right now. “You walked away without a word, Kaiden. I woke up in that hospital bed, and you were just... gone.”
“To protect you!” The words explode out of him, and I’m dimly aware that we’re both shouting now, making a scene on this pristine suburban street.
I don’t care. Let them look. Let them judge. Nothing matters except the truth that’s finally spilling out between us like blood from a wound that never properly healed.
“And I didn’t find out I was pregnant until after you’d left!” I shout back, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. “After you’d abandoned me, after being distraught that you were gone. All while I was still trying to recover from the trauma of a hit and run.”
His jaw works, muscles ticking beneath his skin, but he doesn’t interrupt. Good. Because I’ve held this in for nearly a decade, and now that the dam’s broken, I can’t stop the flood.
“All I had left was my mother, and you know what she said?” My voice cracks, but I push through.
“She told me Vito would use our baby against you. That he’d hurt Kai to control you.
That the safest thing I could do for our child was pretend he didn’t exist. So that’s what I did.
I chose to protect our son the way you decided to protect me - without any input from the other party. ”
His mouth opens and closes, but for long moments nothing comes out. “You should have told me anyway,” Kaiden finally says, but there’s less heat in his voice now. Less certainty. “I had a right to know.”
“And I had a right to protect our child,” I tell him, my voice raw.
The fight drains out of me all at once, leaving me hollow and shaking. I sink down onto the porch steps because my legs won’t hold me anymore.
“I know how betrayed you must feel,” I continue, staring at my hands.
“But I was nineteen years old, traumatized, and terrified. My mother convinced me that telling you would put Kai in danger, and I believed her. I believed her because I’d just lived through months of ‘accidents’ that culminated with me ending up in hospital.
Because you left to protect me, and that only reinforced that the threat was real. ”
I hear him move closer, feel the air shift as he sits down beside me on the steps. Not touching, but close enough that I’m aware of every breath he takes.
“You were really going to tell me?” His voice is quieter now, drained of anger but heavy with something else. Pain, maybe. Or grief for all those lost years. I always knew he’d react like this.
“Yes,” I agree, picking at my cuticles. “After your last visit, I made the decision. I even went as far as speaking to Kai about you.”
I risk a glance at him and find those dark eyes already on me, searching my face with an intensity that makes my breath catch.
“What did you tell him?” His voice is carefully controlled now, but I can hear the emotion vibrating beneath it.
“The truth. Or at least, a suitably sanitized version of it.” I wrap my arms tighter around myself. “That we got married young. That you had to leave to protect me from bad people. That I didn’t know I was pregnant until after you were gone, and I kept it secret to keep him safe.”
Kaiden’s quiet for a long time, and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking.
I know a lot about how Kaiden felt towards his own father from the conversations we had when we were young.
In those days when he held nothing back.
So I have an idea how aggrieved he’s feeling about being an absent parent.
“How did he take it?”
I let out a shaky laugh. “He called you a hero.”
Something flickers across Kaiden’s face - pain, wonder, disbelief, I can’t tell. Maybe all three. He runs a hand through his hair, and I recognize the gesture as the same one Kai makes when he’s overwhelmed.
“I missed everything.” The words come out broken, and I realize with a jolt that Kaiden’s close to tears.
I’ve never seen him cry. Not once in all the years I’ve known him.
Not even when he was a little boy being beaten and abused by a maniac who kept him from the love and support of his mother.
“His first steps. His first words. I don’t even know when his birthday is. ”
“November third,” I tell him softly. “He’ll be ten in a few weeks.”
The weight of that statement settles over us. A decade. An entire decade of our son’s life that Kaiden knows nothing about. That’s when the real weight of guilt hits me.
“Does he...” Kaiden’s voice catches, and he clears his throat. “I mean, he seemed to recognize me. That’s why…” He swallows. “That’s why he ran across the road.”
“He’s been asking questions for years,” I tell him, choosing my words carefully. “More and more as he gets older. But no, he didn’t know what you looked like or anything specific. I kept all our old photos hidden.”
A pained expression shadows his normally stoic face. “Why?”
The question is simple, but the answer is complicated. I take a breath, trying to organize thoughts that have been tangled for years.
“Because every time I looked at them, I saw what we lost. You and I - me and Kai. Even what I’d taken from him by keeping you apart.
” I pick at a loose thread on my sleeve.
“And because I was terrified he’d somehow find you on his own if he had too much information.
That he’d put himself in danger trying to track down his father.
The idea of him wandering into the Cosa Nostra complex… because Kaiden, he would have tried…”
I shake my head, unable to finish.