38. KAYLA
38
S even days.
That’s how long I’ve been back in North Carolina, but really it feels like one very long and excruciating day.
He didn’t text.
He didn’t call.
And his silence only fueled mine to do the same.
I showed him all my cards. Poured my fucking heart out, even though it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. The ball is in his court, and he’s clearly deciding the game is finally over.
It fucking hurts so bad.
He managed to erase me from his life completely, without any effort.
How does he do it?
I wake up crying every single day because I miss the warmth of his body next to mine. I miss how we shared our meals, and I miss how we used to banter with each other all day long. But his complete absence on my phone is like a repetitive slap on the face. The feeling is not mutual.
He made it clear from the start. He doesn’t date. But I let my silly little heart hope. I let her get excited about what could be. Because, maybe, just maybe, he’d think differently about me. About us.
God, I’m such a fool.
I’m staying with Rae Bodi completely ruined them for me. Every single time I start a new episode, I think about how he hated them, and I slowly start to hate them too, simply because they remind me of him.
Because they make me feel silly.
So instead, I sit outside with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders in comfort, even though it’s sixty-five degrees outside. I just stare at the grass of the backyard, sitting on a wooden stretcher that has become my favorite place when it’s not appropriate to be in bed.
“Look who’s here,” Rae says as she walks out of the house.
For a second, my heart jumps and my neck straightens, hoping she’s talking about Bodi, but when Julie walks out, I roll my eyes for my own stupidity.
“Hey, Jules,” I muse in a monotone voice.
“Hey, sweetie.” They both take a seat on the stretcher next to me, their feet propped up on the floor as they give me a look that makes me want to gag.
“Don’t look at me like that.” I let my eyes rake down their bodies that’re looking awfully springy and happy. Rae is wearing one of Jensen’s Hurricanes shirts tucked into her denim skirt, with her blonde hair in a loose braid, while Julie is looking like the epitome of real estate success in her pencil skirt and white t-shirt. Meanwhile, I sit here, looking like a troll with my unwashed poofy hair and plaid blanket.
I’ve never felt more like a teenager.
“Like what?” Rae frowns.
“Like you feel sorry for me.”
“Keeks.”
I hold up my hand. “Whatever you’re going to say, save it. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Damn, he really did you a solid, didn’t he?” I turn my head to Julie.
Her deep amber brown eyes are laced with a sympathy that matches her pursed lips, and I can’t stand it.
I don’t want to be the pathetic sad girl. It’s the whole reason I haven’t told anyone the real reason why I left Stanford.
“Something like that,” I mutter, averting my gaze.
“Wanna talk about it?” Julie asks.
“Not really.”
Talking leads to crying, and I can’t handle another tear rolling down my puffy cheeks.
Rae sighs and I fold my lips inward, stubbornly keeping my attention fixed on the grass. The green is lit up by the sun, and when I squeeze my eyes shut, it reminds me of Bodi’s eyes. Images of the loving expressions he would give me flash through my mind when I look at the green sparkles dancing in the sunlight. Fuck, there are those bastards tears again. I’m a moron for torturing myself like this.
But I can’t stop my lovestruck brain.
Everywhere I look there’s something that reminds me of him, and if there isn’t anything my head will make the stupidest bridge to find some.
“You have to talk about it at some point, Keeks,” Rae points out.
“No, I don’t. I’m just going to sit here until my tears have dried up, and then I’ll move back home and try to figure what the fuck I’m going to do with my life.”
“You know you don’t have to leave.” Rae’s hand lands on my knee and my eyes grow another level of glossy. I will not fucking cry again. Not at least until I go to bed tonight. I refuse to look at her as I try to swallow the tears away.
“I know,” I croak out.
“What happened, though?” Julie asks.
Isn’t it obvious?
“I fell in love with Bodi, but he didn’t fall in love with me.”
“It’s not that simple,” Rae argues.
“It is.” I shrug.
I don’t see him around asking for my forgiveness and telling me he fucked up, is he? So yeah, it really is that fucking simple.
“I don’t believe you.” From the corner of my eye, Julie shakes her head, her dirty blonde bob swinging beside her face.
“It’s the truth. I’m too young for him. He never made it a secret.”
“And you’re accepting that? That’s bullshit.” I snap my head at her harsh words, a little surprised at her change in posture and she gives me a scowl.
“You might be the youngest of us all, but you are as brave as a fucking lioness.” She notices how my brows move up to my hairline. “I mean it! You’ve been calling him out on his shit ever since he arrived in Atlanta, and from what I’ve heard from Charlotte, he’s been letting you. I wish I had your level of courage. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a fucking coward,” she mutters the last sentence, and I blink a few time to many because my curiosity comes peeking out. Doesn’t she have a boyfriend? Jason’s older brother, I believe?
But before I can blurt out anything, she continues. “You’re not seriously going to give up on him, are you? You’re not seriously going to let him get away with whatever bullshit reason he has to not be with you? Because I don’t believe he doesn’t have any feelings for you. Not for one minute.”
Fucking hell.
Her words touch me deeply, and another lump forms in the back of my throat. I try to swallow it away, but when I close my eyes, tears roll down my cheeks.
Dammit! I said no more tears until tonight.
“Part of me doesn’t believe it either.” I swipe them from my cheeks. “But I can’t be the only one fighting for us. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t want to be the only one invested in the relationship. Not if it means I can lose everything when it doesn’t work out. I can’t do it again. I can’t start over every time I break up with a guy.”
Oh, hell. Me and my big mouth.
As much as I meant every word I just spilled out, I really didn’t want to open another one of Pandora’s boxes by sharing more than I planned. I imagined telling Rae in a while. You know when I have my shit together. Could be months, could be years. Who the fuck knows? I’m a college drop out, but so was Steve Jobs, so really it can go either way.
“What do you mean?” Rae’s voice is laced with suspicion, the frown on her forehead adding even more to that. The worry is dripping from her narrowed eyes, and I guess I should just fess up about everything.
It’s not like there is anything left to lose anyway.
“Trent.”
“What about Trent?”
“Who’s Trent?” Julie whips her head between Rae and me.
“Her ex-boyfriend.”
I lock eyes with Rae, peering into her brown gaze. I’m hoping she’ll connect the dots because the soreness in my throat prevents me from saying another word as the waterworks completely get free rein. I cover my face with my hands, sobbing while I feel how every single emotion of the last six months retrospectively comes rushing through my body.
Shame. Hurt. Hate. Frustration. Excitement. Joy. Happiness. And finally, love. So much love.
How the fuck did I end up here?
Someone sits beside me, wrapping her arms around me, and when I look up, my cousin’s eyes bring me a sense of comfort only she can. A silence that speaks volumes. I’m here. I got you.
“Talk to me,” she says. “What happened with Trent?”
I really should’ve told her sooner.
“I didn’t get kicked out.”
My gaze fills with guilt as we keep our eyes locked until the moment it hits her. Her eyebrows move up, her lips parting a little in shock.
“You dropped out,” she huffs. I shift in my seat, breaking loose from her touch as I get up, my bare feet touching the soft spring grass as I start pacing.
“You dropped out of Stanford—” Her voice breaks. “Because of Trent? Because of a boy?”
Her confusion is audible, knowing she’s missing a piece of the puzzle. I’m smart. I learn easily. It’s why I got a full ride to Stanford in the first place. Academics is what I’m good at, though I’m also a star in sarcasm. I’ve never quit anything in my life, but I quit my one shot at one of the top schools in the country.
“What did he do, Kayla?” Rae growls my name, showing her anger, and I rub my hand over my face.
“What did he do?” she repeats.
Her features are now completely rigid. Rae is a sweetheart when she’s happy, but when she’s mad? She’s vicious, fighting for the things she believes in. Just ask Jensen because he’s been on the receiving end for years.
“Kayla!” she barks impatiently.
FUCK!
“He hit me!” I push out the words at the same time Jensen comes through the back door and my gaze finds his. His face flashes with anger, pressing his lips together in a thin stripe.
“Who did?” Jensen growls, slowly sauntering toward us with menacing steps. “You better not be talking about Bodi, because I will kill him.”
“What?!” I screech, panicked. “No! No! Bodi treated me like a queen.” The realization of my words hit me, and I break down once more. “He treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And then he broke my heart. But he never physically hurt me.” I sniff. “It was Trent.”
“Your ex-boyfriend hurt you?” Jensen’s jaw clenches while Rae and Julie are both mimicking a goldfish, in anticipation of the rest of the story.
“He hit me. More than once. He had half the school in his pocket. There was no escape except for dropping out and moving back home,” I confess with shame.
Fuck, I feel so stupid.
I’m just as much of a coward. I should’ve pressed charges. Confessed to someone in my class. Anything to stick up for myself. But instead, I ran home like a little girl.
Maybe, Bodi is right. Maybe I really am too young for him.
“Ah, babe.” Julie gets up, taking me in a tight hug. “I’m proud of you. That must have been so hard for you.” I can sense her pride when her arms enclaps me even more, overwhelming me, and I bury my face against her shoulder, fully pouring out my emotion for the first time since I left California. She rubs a hand over my face, soothing me with the other as she rubs my back, and we just stand like that for I don’t know how long.
When finally, a small spring breeze brings the rest of my senses to life, I glance over at Rae and Jensen, who are staring at me with troubled faces.
“I’m so sorry, Keeks,” Rae whispers, tears pouring at the edges of her eyes.
I let go of Julie and Rae flies into my arms.
“I’m so, so, sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?” I want to tell her I was ashamed, but it’s like she reads my mind. “You don’t have to be ashamed, sweetie. It’s not your fault. You deserve so much better than that douchebag.”
Jensen’s bulky arms enclose the both of us, I bring my gaze up to his furious expression.
“I’m going to kill that motherfucker if I ever see him near you again,” he mumbles like a big brother with a clenched jaw that would make many men flinch, and I chuckle through my tears.
“Bodi already did. Almost broke his arm in the process. I’m pretty sure Trent got the message.”
“You deserve the world, Keeks,” Rae whispers in my ear.
“I know.”
I know that now. Bodi showed me that. But what if the world I want isn’t in my grasp anymore? What if my heart will never want anything other than Bodi McKay?
Rae lets loose at the same time Jensen’s phone rings in his pocket, and we all watch as he answers it with a scowl on his face.
“Yeah?” He sounds aggravated, my curiosity already getting the best of me.
The blood leaves his face each moment passed and my heart squeezes.
I know who’s on the line.
I also know what he’s saying.
I don’t know why, but goosebumps shower my skin, and I just fucking know.
I grasp my heart before Jensen hangs up, tears welling my eyes once again. And when he hangs up, his gaze wide, shocked, and confused, I wait for him to tell me the words I suspect, before I let them pull me down once more.
“Terry McKay died.”