43. KAYLA
43
I ’m doing my best to forget about Bodi’s drunk dial, but you try to do that when the man you’re in love with interrupts your beauty sleep.
That’s right, it’s impossible.
“Oh, this is heaven.” Julie’s spread out on the picnic plaid with a disposable glass of wine resting on her stomach, her face enjoying the spring sun.
We’re sitting in the park, packed with a fully stacked picnic basket, hanging out like we’ve been doing for the last week. With Rae being at work and Charlotte’s hands fully occupied with their new baby, Julie and I have been growing closer.
She asked me to have lunch together, because she needed a break from life, and I was more than happy to find some distraction from my broken heart.
My break from life is sorta running past the expiration date, but what’s another day, right?
“This, and the bliss of sex,” Julie adds.
“Ugh, I miss sex.”
“Tell me about it.” The words are accompanied by a moan that has me frowning.
“That whole feeling of being stretched wide.”
“The friction of two bodies together,” Julie chimes in.
“Right! And, oh, that moment after when he’s still seated inside of you and you’re both completely still. They always leave quicker than you want them to.”
“What do you mean?” Julie amusingly holds a hand above her honey brown eyes to shelter them from the sun as she looks at me.
“That moment when you’re all sweaty, heaving in your afterglow, and you still feel him sitting deep inside of you. I love that feeling. During sex, your mind can barely register what’s happening, but it’s when he stops, that’s the moment you can really feel how full he makes you. I wish we could stay like that and watch TV or something. You know those hotel rooms with mirrors on the ceiling? I’d rather have a TV there, so I can watch my favorite show with his body on top of me and his dick situated in my pussy.”
A loud laugh ripples from her throat, and I follow right behind her. “Where do you get this shit?”
“You don’t like that feeling?” I smirk.
“I never thought about it like that.”
“Well, think about it. It’s fucking bliss.”
She moves her gaze up, thinking about it, then shrugs her shoulders. “Definitely better than watching TV with my magic wand.”
“Gotta work with what we got, sister.”
“You’re damn right we do.”
I swing my attention examining her face. It’s free from makeup, her lips just glossed with a little bit of lip balm, nothing weird, but the tone in her voice has my eyes narrow in suspicion. “Hold on, why would you need a magic wand?”
She peeks one eye open, then shuts it just as quickly.
“I broke up with Jacob.”
“You what? Why?” I mean, I haven’t heard anything good about the guy, but she broke up a couple months ago, then took him back.
“Because he’s my pacifier.”
“Your what?” I quak, not even remotely following.
“My pacifier.” Her shoulders grind over the blanket as she hoists them up, covering her eyes with her palm to find mine. “We all grew up with a pacifier that gives us comfort when we’re sad, that feels comfortable, something we don’t want to part with but eventually we have to? Because we grow out of them? But mostly because how ridiculous would it be if you’d still be rocking a pacifier at twenty, right?”
A laugh rumbles from my chest.
“A pacifier starts out as something soothing, but if you hold onto it too long, it will fuck up your teeth and hold you back in your growth. Jacob is my pacifier.”
I clear my throat, a little gobsmacked.
“Girl, that makes no sense, but weirdly it does.”
“Oh, and he sucks in bed.”
“WHAT?!” I squeal, followed by a giggle.
“It’s true. The man is better with his mouth than his dick, and I’m not talking about when it’s wrapped around my pussy.”
“Stop! Before I see things I can never unsee.” I playfully slap her hip.
“It’s true. I don’t know why I stayed this long.”
A thought pops into my head, a little mischief lifting my cheeks. “So…you were not talking about Jacob when you were talking about the bliss of sex ?”
“No,” she sputters.
“Is there someone else?”
Her brown eyes peer up at me with a little conflict dancing around the edges.
“There is, isn’t there?”
“No.” She rolls her eyes, then closes them again to wallow in the warmth of the sun. “Maybe.” A smile creeps up her lips.
“Tell me!”
“I can’t! Let’s just say, someone opened my eyes, but I don’t want to rush anything. It’s…”
“Let me guess, complicated?”
“I don’t want to ruin it.”
“You think you will?”
“I don’t know. We have a history.”
Suspicion purses my lips, but I’ll respect her wish to not share any more until she’s ready. “Do you think he feels the same?”
She tucks her lip between her teeth. “I think so, yeah.”
Good for her.
I chuckle at the content look on her face, then lower my body to lie next to her.
The warm sun feels like a comfortable silk blanket on my face while the smell of the fresh magnolia flowers enters my nose every now and then. I settle my shoulders against the fluffy grass underneath the blanket as a long moan escapes my lips.
“Didn’t sleep well?” Julie asks.
I slept perfectly. Until it got rudely interrupted, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep after.
“Bodi called.”
“What?” She snaps up, spilling half the contents of her wine over her blouse. “Shit.”
I squint my eyes a bit open, watching how she wipes it off with a napkin, then whips her head toward mine.
“Yeah,” I drag out, closing my eyes again.
“What do you mean, yeah ? Spill it.” She nudges my side, and I jerk with a smile.
“I’m not sure what to tell you.” I sigh. “He was clearly drunk as fuck.”
Drunk as fuck, and losing his mind.
“What did he say?”
“That he missed me.”
Julie lets out an endearing whine.
“That he was dying.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure if he meant because he was drinking himself into a coma or because he was dying without me. Jensen pulled the phone out of his hand.”
“Wauw.”
I nod, my face still warming under the sun. “Yeah, I asked Jensen what he meant, but he didn’t know. He said he’d tell him to call me today.”
“Kayla!” Julie pushes my side, and I look up at her. “He’s thinking about you.”
“When he’s drunk as a fucking skunk, yeah. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad sign.” I drop my head back to the ground.
Trust me, I’ve gone over that very short conversation at least a hundred times between three am and six, and I still come to the same conclusion.
It was nothing more than a drunk dial, one he’ll probably regret waking up with a massive hangover today.
“Of course it’s a good sign. Drunk people speak the truth, remember?”
“Yeah, it just doesn’t mean shit when they don’t repeat the same sentiment sober. I can’t listen to drunk talk. It’s always filled with unkept promises.”
Trent used to whisper sweet words in my ear all the time when he was downing a bottle of vodka. But his toxic behavior resurfaced when the alcohol would wear out, and he returned to being the asshole I never wanted to see.
I can’t compare Bodi to Trent, because even though I’m mad at Bodi, he’s treated me like a queen for as long as we were together. If I can call it that. But it doesn’t change the fact that words spoken with an intoxicated mind might not still exist the day after.
“Maybe, but I think it says something.”
“Maybe, but so far, he hasn’t called, so there is a big chance he forgot all about it.”
“I’m pretty sure Jensen won’t let him forget. I know he and Rae are really pissed at him for the way he’s been treating you.”
I move to reply, but she holds up her hand to cut me off when my phone starts to buzz next to her. A smirk slides into place, her eyes glinting when she holds up the device and I read the name.
Bodi.
“Well, will you look at that? I guess he’s still thinking about you.”
Fuck.
My heart pounds loudly against my ribcage, my mouth growing dry.
I sit up, snatching the thing out of her hands before I take a deep breath to stay in control of the flutter in my stomach.
“Answer it!” Julie pushes.
“Okay, okay. Hello?” The palpitations of my heart make it hard to keep my voice steady.
“Hey.” The sound of his voice is painful, but it still sounds like music to my ears. Like I’m desperate for torture.
“Hey,” I say before holding still in anticipation.
“How are you?”
My heart is dying to hear what he has to say, hoping and praying he’s going to give me the words I’ve needed from the start. But there is also a big rock of rage that’s had a permanent place inside of me ever since I walked out of his front door. I’m too stubborn to just let that go.
I roll my eyes. “That’s why you’re calling, Bodi?”
“Yes.” He sounds resolute, but it’s quickly followed by an uncertain; “No.”
A small breeze moves past my spine, causing a shiver to ripple through my core.
“I’m sorry.”
Two words. They should mean the world to me, but for some reason, they are not enough right now. I want him back. I love him. I care for him. But he betrayed my trust by treating me like an inconvenience and it’s not fixed with I’m sorry .
That’s too easy.
“For what?” I question with a sharp tone when he stays quiet.
“For everything. I never wanted to hurt you. I just–I was confused.”
Confused? He seemed pretty clear to me the last time I saw him.
The day I bolted out of his apartment, leaving my heart behind.
Asshole.
“You ghosted me, Bodi.”
“I know.”
“Your father died, and all I wanted to do was be there for you. To be there for my friend , but you ignored me like I was nothing.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” I rebuke, sharply. “Because you didn’t even let me say goodbye to him, Bodi. I got the message, I really did. But the last weeks he was alive I spent a lot of time with him. You didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye.”
Silence.
“You hurt me so much.”
“I wish I could take it all back,” he whispers, cueing emotion to fall over the rim of my eyes so I shut them to hold them back.
“But you can’t.” They fly open as I snarl. “You fucked up, Bodi. You don’t even realize how much.”
Breaking up with me was ripping my heart out. Ghosting me when his father died was putting my heart through a fucking shredder. It destroyed my trust once again, and I can’t settle for words any longer.
He once promised to never hurt me. He broke that promise.
“There’s so much I need to tell you, Kayla. I just don’t want to do it over the phone. You deserve more than that.”
He’s damn right I do. “What are you saying, Bodi?”
“I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m saying I’m serious. I’m saying I want you, and only you.”
The air is knocked from my chest. “Do you mean that?”
“Every fucking word.”
“What. Does. That. Mean?” I ask, a little gnarly.
“It means that living without you is way scarier than living with you. I can’t live without you, Kayla. I’ve done that for the past couple of weeks, and you’re right. The pain is unbearable, and I can’t do it. I–I…I’m not gonna say it over the phone. But I want you. ”
I love you .
Is that what he wanted to tell me?
“I don’t even know what to say.” The man officially got me speechless.
“I fucked up, baby. I see that now . Let me fix it. Tell me how to fix it.” His voice breaks, and I pinch the bridge of my nose. I can feel his hurt seeping through my body, but I can’t ignore my own. I need to look out for me, because it’s clear no one else will.
“I don’t know, Bodi. A lot has happened. Weeks have gone by.”
Weeks of agony. Weeks of uncertainty. Weeks of not knowing what to do with myself, until about a week ago, I decided to fucking try. To try and live without him. I started eating again, forced myself to go for a walk every day, and after a couple days I noticed I was smiling again. It still hurts, but I’m surviving.
He doesn’t get to destroy me twice.
“Please don’t tell me it’s too late.”
“I don’t know,” I screech in full honesty, my eyes welling up. “You really hurt me.”
“I know. Just give me a chance to make it right.”
I really really want to. But I know it’s crucial for me to do this right. To not let myself get whisked away by anyone but myself.
I want Bodi. But I need me. I can’t lose myself over anyone else.
“I need time.”
“I understand.” His disappointment slices through my heart, and I blow out a breath. “Take all the time you need. Just don’t tell me it’s over, okay?”
The corners of my mouth lower to a pout, my lower lip quivering.
“It’s not over.” I nod. “But it’s not not over, either. Do you understand that?”
“Yeah.” I imagine him nodding his head. “Yeah, I understand. Can we talk, though? Can I call you?”
I think about his question while I give Julie a side glance. She’s looking at me with gooey eyes, a sadness shown in her almond-shaped face.
Can he call me? I don’t know. I don’t want to see him, because seeing him will dissolve all my resolve, but his voice has a pretty magical effect on me too.
“You can text me,” I settle on.
“Okay, baby.”
“Bodi, you do realize this means nothing more than a crack in the door. Ghost me one more fucking time and it will be shut for good. Deadbolted and everything.”
He lets out a mirthless laugh. “Baby, the next time I’m ghosting you I’ll be dead.”
“That’s not funny!” Though I can sense the corner of my mouth wanting to quirk up.
“I’ll text you, baby.”
I hum in agreement, not being able to say another word, and I quickly hang up the phone at the same time my first tear falls down on my lap.
“Oh, honey. Are you okay?” Julie wraps me in her arms, and I bury my nose in her shoulder.
“No,” I sob, a whirlwind of emotions running through my body, all the tension I’ve been holding on since last night finally escaping my aching muscles.
“It’s okay,” she soothes, running her palm up and down my back as she keeps holding me for as long as I need her to. It feels like forever, dragging the pain out of me, but it also feels liberating, as if a weight is lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve had a spark of communication from the man I love.
I don’t want to love him, but I do.
Julie grabs my shoulder, pulling me back so she can look me in the eyes. Her eyes understanding, showing a kindness she doesn’t share often.
“You think he’s serious this time?”
If he’s not, I swear I’ll fly out to Atlanta and cut his balls off myself. But my gut is finally in alignment with my heart and my mind.
I nod. “Yeah, I think so.”
“So what happens now?”
I chuckle, a little evil. “Now, I’m going to let him grovel.”