Chapter 17 – Madelyn
I can do this. I can do this. I have to; it's for the best, I thought to myself, sitting inside my car in the clinic's parking lot.
My heart was racing so fast that I thought I would pass out from the anxiety coursing through my veins.
My chest was swelling with heavy breaths, and my hands were trembling. It was very hot inside me, and the unshed tears in my eyes stung the shit out of me. My heart was both broken and heavy, and a million thoughts—a million pesky little voices—plagued my fragile mind.
Are you sure you wanna do this, Maddie? one of those voices asked. It had been asking me this same question from the very moment I decided to take this bold step. It’s a bad idea.
“But I don't have a choice—I have to do this,” I replied, my voice barely above a whisper, my eyes filled with tears.
There’s always a choice, Maddie. Getting rid of this baby isn't the way to go.
I can’t think of anything else right now. I can't think of anything better, I replied in my mind, wiping a lone tear from my cheek. I don't wanna do this.
Then don't , said the voice.
I slammed the back of my head against the headrest, sniffling at the toughest decision I'd ever had to make in my whole life. I tightened my grip around the steering wheel, weeping with an aching heart that seemed to be bleeding out. My eyes had turned red from crying throughout the night, and my mind was a mess.
That pesky little voice was right, but I couldn't risk it. This baby was the only thing that bound me to that psycho. He was the devil reincarnate, and there was no way I could, in good conscience, bring a baby into his world of violence, chaos, and disorder.
The man was a killer, for Christ's sake! He killed Ethan in cold blood and was threatening to kill my father. It was ironic how he was doing the exact same thing he killed Ethan for. Bloody hypocrite!
But the child has nothing to do with this. The baby is innocent.
Yes. It is innocent, and I'd be doing it a huge favor by not introducing it to that viper, I replied. Can you imagine him raising a kid? Because I can't. He's too ruthless and cruel to father anyone. And what's to say that he will even care about the child? How sure am I that he won’t deny it? What if he doesn't want it?
Usually, men like him wouldn't give a fuck about stuff like this—at least that was my own opinion. With the kind of life he led, I was certain that he'd fucked so many other women, and there was a high chance that he'd put a fucking baby in a couple of them as well. Maybe I was just another woman on his list.
You know you've always loved and wanted babies.
Fuck that voice, trying to play on conscience and emotions. Of course, I'd always wanted to have kids, but not like this, for crying out loud. And most definitely not with this soulless maniac, this ravaging animal, this arrogant bastard, and ruthless, cold-blooded killer who'd stop at nothing until he got what he wanted.
The annoying part of this was that I still wanted him—my body still craved his touch like a flower craved sunlight, helpless to resist its warmth. This touch-obsessed bedroom predator had left a mark on my soul. His claws had cut deep into my mind, leaving me helpless and sexually frustrated. In spite of all that was happening, he still somehow made my skin crawl just by the mere thought of his sickening caress.
How could I still want him after all that he'd put me through—all that he was doing? Sometimes, when I found myself replaying the events of that night, I wondered if he had me under some kind of spell. I couldn't get him out of my mind despite all my attempts to do so. Until now, he still haunted my dreams every night with the ghost of his twisted pleasure that almost made me touch myself one time.
Kostya had me in his clutches, and there was no way he was going to let me go, at least not without a fight. But he wasn't a man I wanted to go to war with. He was a sadistic monster who crushed anyone and anything in his path—true. But I was also a woman determined to change my reality, to fight his dominance over my life, and this was the first step.
Yes, it is the first step. The voice returned, and for a second there, I thought we were finally on the same page. I should have known better. The first step to committing suicide, it continued. This is a bad idea, Maddie. It might not look like it, but it is.
Got a better one? I asked, and the voice went silent for a moment. It’ll be easier to solve this problem without a child in the equation.
At this point, my mind was made up. It hurt me so badly that I had to do this, but I was left with no choice. This was a necessary evil.
You do this, and then you're just as bad as him.
Okay, time out.
I drowned the voice out, pushing it back to the farthest part of my mind.
I let out a deep sigh and adjusted the rear-view mirror, taking a look at my own reflection. My once vibrant eyes were now so dim with dark circles under them, and my skin was pale, accentuating the turmoil that had been brewing inside me for weeks.
Withdrawing a lightweight scarf from my bag, I wrapped it firmly around my head, feeling the soft fabrics brushing against my skin. Next, I clasped on a pair of oversized dark shades, their wide lenses masking the puffiness around my eyes and the redness from all that crying.
With my identity completely concealed, I drew in one last deep breath before opening the door and stepping out of the car.
Trying to stay composed, I managed to walk into the building, my heels clicking softly against the floor. The subtle scent of lavender enveloped the air as I walked through the lobby under the warm glow of the crystal chandeliers that cast a welcoming ambiance. My heart was racing in my chest as I approached the reception desk, eyes fixed on the friendly girl behind the counter.
I halted in front of her, and she greeted me with a courteous grin, oblivious to who I was, until I pulled down the bridge of my shades slightly. She caught a glimpse of my face and recognized me immediately, knowing I had an appointment with the doctor that day.
“Please, come with me,” she said, leading the way, and I quietly followed up behind her.
We took a few turns, rounded a couple of corners, and eventually, she brought me to a ward where the air was crisp, filled with the scent of antiseptics. This was the surgical room, a brightly lit space with a large circular operating light hanging from the ceiling, casting an intense glow over the setting.
The doctor was already waiting, clad in his light blue surgical scrubs with a pair of wire-rimmed glasses over his eyes. He nodded at the nurse, and she smiled at me before taking her leave, closing the door behind her.
“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Dr. Lee squinted at me, standing poised beside the operating table.
I'd just silenced the last voice that asked me the same question, and I didn't need him adding to my stress again.
I set my bag on a stool, then took off my disguises—scarf and shades—and shoved them back into my bag. Walking over to him, I simply replied, “Let's just get this over with.”
“Okay,” he said, his voice low and calm.
Dr. Lee handed me a pale blue surgical gown and pointed me in a direction to go change.
About a minute later, I returned, ready for the procedure, yet my heart wouldn't stop pounding in my chest.
“Before we begin, I'll have to sedate you. It'll help you relax and ease any discomfort and anxiety you may feel. Are you okay with that?” he asked politely.
I heaved the heaviest sigh yet and nodded as I lay on the bed and shut my eyes. He approached me and punctured my flesh with a needle. I felt the nasty sting but was too tense to react. He gently pushed his thumb on the syringe, and I could feel the substance seeping into my blood—the medication taking effect. Soon, my eyelids grew heavy, and a sudden fuzziness overwhelmed me. The room started to spin as my eyelids fluttered. My vision was blurry, my hearing muffled, and every sound around me was gradually fading away as I drifted unconscious.
**********
A slight groan escaped my lips as my eyelids fluttered and slowly opened. It was all hazy at first, and my head was still heavy. My body was weak, and my bones ached. Maybe it was just the effects of the procedure, nothing serious. But the room didn't smell like antiseptics at all, and although my blurry vision hadn't fully cleared yet, I knew for sure that the surgical room didn't have a set of plush sofas.
I blinked a couple of times, wiping my palms over my eyes to see better. “What the fuck?” The words fell out of my mouth as my jaw dropped at the realization of where I was.
How could I not recognize the amazing interior of the room where Kostya had his way with me? The elegant setting still had me in awe, but this wasn't the time to be carried away. Someone had carried me away from the clinic and brought me here. No wonder the air smelled really familiar.
“Awake yet?” His deep, husky voice sent shivers down my spine, and immediately, I sat upright.
With my breath caught in my throat, I turned to face him, my heart pounding so fast as he sat there on a single-seater sofa, legs crossed. His blazing eyes were fixed on me, and I swallowed hard, seeing the deep creases that lined his forehead. His jaw clenched, and his right hand was balled into a fist.
My skin was crawling with goosebumps as my eyes widened, frozen on his rigid face. Fear had completely taken me over, and my brain was blank, unable to think at the moment.
“What's the matter? Afraid to see me?” he asked, his voice hinting at the frown perched on his face.
My chest continued to heave with rapid breaths as I stared at him in fear, my legs trembling beneath me. My mouth dropped open but produced no sound; it was as if my vocals were paralyzed.
Kostya seemed upset; his brows furrowed, and the glare in his eyes was enough to make me shit my pants.
How did he find me at the clinic…? Did the procedure even work?
I shoved the sheets aside and looked between my legs.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out about your silly murderous plan?” he asked through gritted teeth. “You underestimate me, girl.” The leather crunched beneath him as he leaned closer. “I own half the city, Madelyn. Your doctor was just a small piece to manipulate.”
Fuck , he knows . And he stopped it.
My eyes darted back to him.
“What were you thinking?” he growled, anger flickering in his eyes. “That's my child in your stomach— my blood—and you dared try to kill it?”
He slowly rose to his feet and approached me with menacing steps.
The dryness in my throat made it hard to swallow, and I jerked my head toward his face as he towered over me. “I asked you a question,” he said, his tone dripping with rage. “What were you thinking?”
I sat there frozen, eyes locked on him with trembling lips, unable to find my voice.
“Answer me!” he barked, causing me to flinch in fear.
“I didn't want to be bound to you!” I yelled in frustration, finally finding my voice. “I hate the fact that you put a baby in me, Kostya. You're evil, manipulative, cruel, and ruthless. You're a murderer—a hypocritical one, at that!”
I had no control over the way those words flew out of my mouth, and I was glad that I did speak up. Now, my eyes were stinging, and I could feel my tear glands charging up.
He seemed shocked by my response; his head pulled back a notch, and his eyes squinted at me.
I sniffled, hating the idea of letting him see me cry, but I couldn't help the tears that flowed like a river. “I know you killed Ethan. How could you? Yes, I was angry that he was blackmailing me, but I didn't expect you to take his life.”
“I did it for you,” he said, his tone a little calmer.
“No, you did it because you wanted to, because you enjoy it,” I replied swiftly, my face scrunched up into a frown. “You enjoy killing; it brings you some kind of twisted joy, so you do it every chance you get, no matter how small.” I glared at him, feeling my fear transform into rage. “You're a cold-blooded killer, Kostya, a monster. How do you expect me to bring a child into your world ? Wouldn't that be cruel of me?” I paused, letting my words sink in for a moment before adding, “A man who doesn't love himself cannot love someone else, and you, Kostya, are incapable of love.”
His jaw clenched, and so did his fist. His blazing eyes narrowed slightly, and I knew my words had affected him more than he would care to admit. Good. Very good. I sought comfort in the fact that I'd gotten under his skin, and there was nothing he could do about it.
He clearly wasn't going to hurt me because, in his own twisted way, he felt something for this baby, hence, the reason he interrupted the abortion. As long as I was still carrying his baby, all he could do was rage at me. He wouldn't risk hitting me. I was certain of that now.
Yeah, you might be immune to his anger now, but Dad isn't, that voice returned.
Shit. I needed to be more careful.
He leaned in closer and seized me by the jaw, his eyes boring into mine. “Yes, I am a cold-blooded killer, Madelyn,” he hissed, his tone low and menacing, each word dripping with venom. “I am a monster, the devil reincarnate, an apex predator,” he said the words with slow, deadly precision as if savoring the fear they inflicted on me. “And I would have killed you too if that abortion was successful.”
I could feel his hot breath against my face as I breathed heavily, my skin crawling at the terror that had gripped me.
“You're having this child, period.” He sized me up with his eyes and let go of my jaw.
Reflexively, my hands flew to my face, rubbing the tender skin where his fingers had dug in in an attempt to erase the pain he'd caused.
“I'll make this easy for you,” he said, toiling with his cufflinks. “You will marry me,” he declared, his gaze pinned on me like a hook to a fish.
“What?” My eyes widened in shock. I was not expecting that.
“Did I stutter?” His expression was blank, but it was obvious that he meant every word. “You will marry me, Madelyn Everly. You will marry the monster you so much despise,” he said with finality, leaving no room for a debate.
As he retreated, exiting the room, I sat there on the bed with a myriad of thoughts swooping into my mind at the same time. It was as if this situation just kept getting worse, and I was worried that I might die from this tension.
Carrying his baby was one thing; becoming his wife was an entirely different thing altogether. I couldn't do it. No, I couldn't do it. What would my father think of this?
Well, he literally wouldn't be able to think about anything if he was dead, now would he?
That voice was right once again. Kostya had said things would have to go his way lest he'd have my dad killed.
Fuck that bastard. He made sure that I was handicapped and at his mercy.
I buried my face in my palms and wept.