Chapter 10 - Nikki #2
It wasn’t until later that her defenses began to crumble, and as much as she tried to hold them back, she couldn’t keep those fears and anxieties at bay any longer.
What if I’m never good enough? she wondered. What if I’m never able to protect myself?
That thought stung worse than what the men had said to her, because not only did she worry it was true, but it had come from herself.
She had hoped it would go away by the time she got home.
Jasper was going to be late, so Amber had walked home with her.
Now that Nikki was alone, though, her thoughts loomed over her, swelling and growing tenfold.
She ran her fingers through her hair, taking deep breaths, willing herself not to scream.
Instead of giving herself time to dwell on her thoughts, she went into the kitchen. She might as well make dinner, considering that was one of the few things she was good at. She dug the ingredients from the fridge and began prepping, willing herself through each task.
It was sometime later when she heard the front door open and Jasper’s footsteps as he stepped into the house.
She heard the soft rustle of fabric and light thump as he threw his jacket onto the couch the way he always did.
He stepped into the room. As always, she noticed some of the tension leave his shoulders when he saw her, as if he was never going to be fully at ease until he saw her and knew she was okay.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi.” She turned back to the stove and kept stirring the mixture of chicken and vegetables. The delectable smell of stir-fry wafted through the kitchen, and that heavenly sound of sizzling meat nearly drowning out her voice.
A moment later, she felt him appear at her side. She turned to look at him, and he frowned, taking in Nikki’s tight jaw and glare.
“What happened?” he asked.
“What makes you think something did?”
“Besides that evasive response? Your expression, the fact that you’re quieter than normal. And you’re doing that thing where you rub the back of your neck, which is usually what you do when something’s upset you.”
Her hand slid away from her neck, heat flooding her face.
“So what happened?” Jasper asked.
“Nothing,” Nikki said. She tried to focus on the stir-fry, but it felt nearly impossible with all the thoughts swirling in her head and Jasper right there.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible liar?” There was a teasing lilt to his voice, and her lip twitched upward for the briefest of moments before she smothered it. “Seriously, Nikki, what’s wrong?”
Biting her lip, she considered telling him. She wanted to get it off her chest. It had been weighing on her all day, pressing down on her, smothering her. But something about telling Jasper made it feel as though she was running to him to solve all of her problems.
“Nikki?” he asked.
When she still didn’t respond, a hand went to her chin. Jasper tilted her head until she had to look at him.
“You can tell me, you know,” he muttered.
Her heart stuttered. This close to him, she found her thoughts straying to that afternoon in the library, how close they had been to starting something she likely wouldn’t be able to stop.
His touch seemed to electrify her. For the briefest of moments, thoughts of Rick and the others dissipated from her mind, and all she had to fixate on was Jasper’s hand on her.
Sighing, she rubbed her forehead, coming back down to reality. “It’s stupid,” she muttered.
“I don’t think it’s stupid if it’s eating at you this much,” Jasper growled. “What happened?”
To her surprise, she realized that she really wanted to tell him. She wanted to explain what had happened, to get it off her chest.
“Amber and I were out for lunch,” she said.
“Some guys started heckling us.” She gave a brief overview, running through the events as clinically and emotionlessly as possible.
As she spoke, she didn’t miss the way Jasper stilled, the anger in his eyes that grew deeper every moment.
His fingers curled into fists, and at one point, a growl escaped his throat.
By the time she was finished, he looked as though he might tear someone limb from limb.
“Assholes,” he snarled once she had finished.
An almost murderous gaze flickered across his features, and Nikki’s breath caught.
“They shouldn’t have said any of that.” His expression softened as he came to stand in front of her again.
“You have to know that isn’t you,” he murmured.
“You can’t take what they said to heart. ”
“It wasn’t that,” she said. “I can handle insults. I’ve been bullied nearly my whole life.
What I couldn’t handle was that I couldn’t stand up for myself.
It was like I was physically unable to do so, no matter how hard I tried.
I just stood there silently, and I had to let Amber stand up for me. She fought my battle for me.”
The words tumbled out unbidden. At the same time, it felt like an emotional catharsis, like she could finally breathe easier.
At some point, Jasper had come closer until he stood directly in front of her. His hands went to her shoulders, holding her.
“You don’t need to feel bad about not being able to defend yourself, or needing help,” he said.
“I’ve been training my entire life, and I still need to be bailed out of trouble sometimes.
Just ask any of the guys. We’ve all saved one another’s asses time and time again.
I don’t consider any of them weak. And you’ve only been training for a few months.
Honestly, I saw some of your fight with Lucas before I got to you.
I was impressed. You managed to hold him off for longer than I would have expected for someone with your training. ”
A well of emotions began bubbling just beneath the surface, and a lump formed in her throat. Her cheeks turned pink.
“Thanks,” she muttered, glancing away.
A hand went to her chin and tilted her head up so she had to look at him. His thumb stroked her jawline.
“You’re amazing,” he said. His free hand reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear.
His hand slid down until it caressed her neck.
His touch electrified her body, and she could barely hear his words, too preoccupied with the way his touch felt on her skin. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Her breath caught, and a lump formed in her throat.
She didn’t know if it was just the words or if it was what he had said, combined with just how close he was to her.
All she could think about was how he smelled slightly and not unpleasantly of sweat, and how the hand still resting on her arm seemed to pin her to the floor with the lightest touch.
The words continued seeping in. After years of being controlled by men, this was the first time she could remember someone talking to her like this, someone treating her like a person instead of a possession.
Despite everything he had done, she could no longer pretend that Jasper didn’t care about her.
Unable to stop herself, unaware she was even doing it in the first place, she pulled him close and pressed her lips to his.
As if he had been waiting for this since he first rescued her, he pulled her closer, wrapping one arm around her while his other hand went to the back of her head.
The kiss deepened, his hand against the small of her back pressing her closer against him, eradicating any lingering air between them. A soft growl escaped his lips.
Electricity jolted through her at his touch, and she melted into it.
She could lose herself in him in an instant, and in that moment, that was all she wanted.
After weeks of frustration and weeks of restraint, weeks of holding herself back, she wanted to give in.
She had been holding herself back for so long, and for what reason?
Why was she so reticent to give in to her base desires like this?
She melted against him, her fingers grabbing the fabric of his shirt, wanting him closer, needing to remove every inch of air between them. She was so tired of holding back, of denying herself something she wanted.
His fingers brushed her bare skin, pushing her shirt up, and reality came crashing back down around her. Her eyes flew open, and she broke the kiss. The lingering remnants of the spell that had washed over her evaporated.
Sucking in a breath, she stepped away. Jasper’s hands fell to his side, and a sudden cold washed over her without him pressed against her.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered, stepping back even further, as if this would sever that urge to move closer to him, to finish what she had started. It didn’t. “This was a mistake.”
She couldn’t let him in—not like that, not after everything he had done to her. It didn’t matter what sort of nice words he had said to her. He had forced her to marry him, and he had yet to apologize for it. She needed to remember that.
Jasper didn’t argue the point, but she could see the confusion on his face, his hands by his side.
She could see the longing in his eyes, too, as if he wanted to resume their embrace as desperately as she wanted to.
She wanted his hands on her again. She wanted to throw caution to the wind and lose herself for a night.
If she did, though, what then? What would happen the next day, or the day after that?
She stepped back, keeping her eyes on him. It wasn’t until her calves pressed against the bottom step that she turned and ascended the stairs, her heart pounding in her chest, threatening to burst out at any moment.
She could feel Jasper’s eyes boring into her back long after she had disappeared from view.