Chapter 36 Justin
Justin
It’s not until close to eleven that I finally return home with a silent Lexi stomping behind me.
‘Jesus, what a day.’ I sift through the grocery bags and toss the ice cream that melted after sitting in the car for two hours while police interviewed everyone and arrested the guy outside of the store.
I put the canvas bags in the pantry and peek at a quiet, stone-faced Lexi who slaps her finger on her glucose monitor. She’s notoriously hard to read, but this one is pretty obvious. She is pissed. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No, I’m not fucking okay,’ she snaps, pulling her lips into a tight, angry line.
She marches over to the fruit bowl, grabs a banana and sits at the stool with her nostrils flaring.
‘What happened tonight can never, ever happen again. Do you hear me?’ She yanks the peel from the banana.
‘You pushing me out of the way. Standing in front of me. Blocking me. What the hell were you thinking?’
I lean against the counter. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. I acted. And I’d do it a million times over. ‘I thought he was going to hurt you. He came out of nowhere.’
She glares at me with so much raw anger, I almost look away. ‘I can handle myself. I’m supposed to be protecting you.’ She sets the banana on the counter and inhales. ‘This is the same shit that happened with Conner, and I really fucking thought you heard me the last time.’
Nope. This is not the same as Conner. Someone who I introduced to Doc, a friend, my responsibility, tried to assault her. But the fire in her eyes tells me that this is not the time to make this point. I cross my arms and keep my mouth shut.
‘Since you obviously didn’t hear me last time, you need to hear me now. Got it?’ She takes a deep, full breath. ‘This is my job. I train for this. As … thoughtful … as it was, it put you in danger.’
So? It’s not like I have a death wish or anything, but is she serious? The very last thing I’m worried about is me. I’m not letting the one person who makes me feel like this, who I care about, get hurt.
She blows out a breath. ‘It put me in danger.’ Her voice is softer and my chest sinks.
‘I know it doesn’t seem like it from your perspective, but it’s true.
It compromised my vantage point. He could’ve bypassed you and attacked me, and I wouldn’t have been properly prepared. Promise me you’ll never do that again.’
Oh God. I never once thought that was a possibility.
When I saw that man heading toward us, I couldn’t think straight.
All I knew is that if something ever happened to Lexi …
‘Understood,’ I say, taking a step toward her, then retreating to lean against the counter.
‘I’m sorry. I’d never do anything to hurt you. ’
Her gaze flicks down before she straightens her back. ‘Our team is still doing a background check on the man, but I’m pretty confident he’s not the one who sent the packages and videos.’
I reach into the cabinet and grab a box of crackers. ‘Honestly, I’m relieved.’
‘Really? Aren’t you ready for this to be over?’ she asks. ‘Aren’t you freaked out even a little knowing an unstable person is obsessing about you?’
I dig into the cracker box, avoiding those huge, beautiful, smoky brown eyes that have sucked me in for months.
At the parking lot, I was close to telling her how I feel.
It’s like I’m watching one of those terrible movies where the character who holds the secret to saving the universe sputters and dies right before sharing it with the world.
‘Yeah, I mean it’s not cool that someone’s out there.
’ I drop the crackers, unable to eat. ‘But once they catch them, you’ll be reassigned.
If they’re still out there, then you get to be here … with me.’
Well, shit. I said it. There it is, out in the ether, hovering like a rain cloud that isn’t sure if it’s going to push out a storm, or separate for the sun.
I don’t need to say any more, even though I kind of want to.
But damn Lexi’s stoic face. She’s showing hardly any reaction, except for a small crease in her eyebrows.
‘Tomorrow my replacement will arrive—’
My head shoots up. What? That’s her reaction? ‘Your replacement? Are you leaving again?’
‘Not permanently.’ She walks over to the bay window overlooking the pool. ‘It’s standard after an altercation. I’m essentially benched for a week while Marcus completes a physical and psychological evaluation.’
My heart rate lowers. Okay, she’s not leaving. Good. But what the hell is going on with her? She’s quiet, stern, like the life got sucked out of her since the incident. She stares out the window, her eyes hazy and puts her pinkie in her mouth.
She’s biting her nails? Lexi has never shown any sort of nervous habit. My stomach turns. She told me a million times that she trained for this, she had other altercations, but is she scared? ‘Are you okay?’ I ask and cross the room.
Her gaze holds at the window and she’s quiet for so long I’m not sure if she heard me. Her finger drops from her mouth and her throat rolls with a heavy, shaky swallow. ‘Yes.’
The timidness in her voice cuts a nerve.
Oh no. She’s obviously irate, but what choice did I have?
Yes, yes, I need to apologize again, but would I do anything different?
No. She’s half my fucking size, the most beautiful creature I’ve ever known, and she was in danger.
I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, but I saw red.
Her hand curls into a fist at her side and her knuckles turn white. What the hell is going on? She pivots sharply and storms into the living room. I follow, tight on her heels, desperate to make this right. A few feet in, her shoulders start shaking.
Holy shit … is she crying? ‘Lexi?’ I lower my voice to a calm, soothing octave as I step in front of her and grip her shoulders. What did I say?
She buries her face in her hands and a choking sob releases. Her cry rips my heart in half and shreds me into pieces. ‘Did I say something wrong?’ I score our conversation. I must’ve said something, done something, even worse than what I thought.
‘Please … please leave me alone …’ She moves to the couch and drops, her hands still covering her face.
‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I promise I’ll never disrespect your position like that again.
’ Helplessness drenches me. I slide in next to her.
Do I touch her? Not touch her? What are the rules here?
Besides the dance at the nightclub, playful nudges, or one-on-one games, we’ve had next to no physical contact.
I don’t want to invade her space but need to do something.
‘I’m so sorry.’ My need to comfort her consumes me.
I put a hand on her arm, and she pushes me off.
Okay. Message received. Maybe she doesn’t want to be touched. But she looks so alone. I can’t just leave her there, hugging herself, sobbing with this guttural tone that’s shattering my heart.
Fuck it. I pull her into me and hold her tight against my chest. One arm wraps around her back and one on her head. Her body goes rigid for a moment, and I’m sure she’ll jerk away. Instead, she collapses into my chest and holds me so tight I think I might lose my breath.
‘It’s gonna be okay …’ I whisper. My shirt absorbs the tears, the wetness sticks to my chest. I stroke her hair, and maybe it’s fucked up, maybe it’s selfish, but each tear fills a small gap inside. ‘I’m here. Everything will be okay.’
‘It’s not going to be okay,’ she sputters. ‘I can’t believe I did it … again … it was my fault then. My … fault … now.’
Oh, God. She sounds so broken. I’ll trade places with her, or run away with her, or destroy whatever is hurting her. I want to suffocate under her grip and let her know she’s not alone. ‘What do you mean?’
She backs away from my touch, and I instinctively reach out my hands. I want to keep holding her, need to keep holding her, but I respect her space. I drop my hands and search her eyes. ‘Please talk to me. Tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything you need.’
She swipes her forearm across her wet eyes. ‘You can’t help this one.’
‘Did something happen with your boss? Your parents? Do you need to check your blood sugar?’ I’m no longer soothing and instead enter full-on panic mode.
She can’t leave. I’m not ready for this to end.
‘Do you need money? You can have whatever you need. Just tell me what it is, and I promise we’ll figure it out. ’
Another strangling sob escapes. She plucks a few tissues from the box on the side table and wipes her nose. ‘I don’t want anything to happen to you. I can’t have anything happen to you.’
Oh God. Those words, that tone. I feel it.
This isn’t a bodyguard worrying about her client.
She cares about me. Christ, I wish I could take this moment, absorb it, let it fill me the way that I need, but now is not the time.
Should I pull her into me again? I’ll do almost anything to feel her wrapped in my arms. ‘Nothing is going to happen to me.’
She exhales a trembling, shaky breath. ‘It could have.’ She stares at her hands as her breathing evens.
The only sound in the room is the ticking of the air conditioning.
Time passes. I don’t know how much. A minute, two, five?
Finally, Lexi swipes a pinkie under her eyes to catch remaining moisture and her shoulders slacken.
‘Four years ago, I was assigned to an environmental CEO. An amazing woman. Right before I left the building to escort her, I was on the phone, arguing with Katey. And I was … distracted.’
I want to hold her hand, but stay still. ‘Okay. Can you tell me more?’
A fat tear rolls down her cheek and she swipes it with her thumb. ‘I didn’t see the guy. It was my job to see him, and I didn’t fucking see him. When the shot hit me, then her … I … I thought I lost her.’
‘You got shot?’ Heat flushes to my face and a primal urge to confirm she’s okay tears through me. My eyes travel her body, looking for distress. Someone shot her? Rage, sickness, sadness, everything swirls. How the hell did I not know this?
‘My shoulder. It shattered my collarbone.’ She taps the side of her left arm. ‘But she got hit. The CEO. And it was my fault. I was distracted. I missed it. And she could’ve died.’
I need to take away this pain. She’s blaming herself for a tragedy, an act of violence, and it’s not fair. I grab her hand and swipe my thumb across her knuckles. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
She shakes her head. ‘It was absolutely my fault. I was so wrapped up in what was happening with Katey that I missed it.’
What I would give to cup her face, drag her eyes to mine and confirm she can hear me. ‘No, it wasn’t.’ I drop her hand and inch closer. ‘The only person who’s at fault was the shooter. Not you. Just like tonight. Whatever happened was not your fault.’
She pushes her fingertips into her temples and inhales a staggered breath. When she glances back at me, mist fills her eyes again. ‘I need you to do something for me.’
‘Anything.’ And I mean it. Right now, my heart is filling in an inexplicable way. I want to protect her, help her, smother her. Hold her.
‘This is really hard for me to say.’ Blotchy patches of pink stain her cheeks from the tears.
She tugs the pillow into her lap and laces her fingertips through the thread.
‘But I crossed a line with you that I should’ve never crossed.
I got emotionally attached. It’s not good, it’s not professional, and if something happened …
I’d never forgive myself. So, whatever this is,’ She points between her chest and mine, ‘it needs to stop.’
My heart sinks. She can’t mean this, right?
This needs to stop? What part of this? No joking around, no workouts, no friendship?
Right now, emotions are high. She’s reliving a terrible event from the past, projecting it on me and probably isn’t thinking clearly. That’s all it is. That’s all it can be.
‘Promise me,’ she says, her voice throaty and firm. ‘Please. This ends tonight.’
I pull my lips into my mouth and tell her what she needs to hear. ‘I promise.’
But I already know I’ll break this promise.