Chapter 19 - Rachel #2
As if reading my thoughts, Sam came to stand in front of me, lowering his voice as he glanced around as if expecting someone to be listening in.
“In case you’ve forgotten, you have magic,” he whispered. “And you used magic in front of the wraith.”
“He thinks it’s Emma—” I argued, but Sam shook his head.
“We don’t know that for certain,” he countered. “For all we know, he’s figured it out and is plotting on coming after you as well as Emma. I’m not going to risk you wandering around without a guard. I don’t care if it’s drawing attention to you if it means keeping you safe.”
I gritted my teeth, trying desperately to find a way to explain how I felt, what was going on inside me. “You’re smothering me,” I accused.
He stood, moving slowly as he walked around the desk until he loomed over me, standing inches away.
“I’m not going to let you or our cub go waltzing into danger without some sort of protection,” he said.
“And I’m not going to apologize for it. I will move heaven and earth to make sure that you are always safe.
You’re just going to have to deal with it. ”
My mouth dropped open as anger continued to simmer inside me. “You can’t be serious,” I said.
He grabbed my arm, and his free hand moved to my chin, turning my head until I was staring into his face.
I could trace every inch of it, could count every eyelash.
For a moment, despite my rage, some primal need burst to the surface.
Part of me wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me as he looked at me with a dark intensity that warmed me all over.
“You and that baby are the most important things to me,” he said, holding me tight.
He bent to make sure I had to stare right at him.
Even through my anger, part of me still wanted him, still relished the feel of his arms on me, still wanted him to hold me tighter.
“And if that means I have to piss you off by being a bit overprotective, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Do you understand?”
“You aren’t being a ‘bit overprotective,’” I argued, glaring at him, refusing to let go of that anger. “You’re smothering me, Sam. I need to be able to breathe.”
“So do I,” he snarled. “And right now, the only way I’m able to breathe is if I know you’re safe.”
“That’s bullshit,” I growled as I stared up at him. “That’s a terrible excuse, and you know it. What about me? Do you not care about how this is making me feel?”
He frowned, taking a step back as he folded his arms. “Not when your safety is on the line,” he snarled. “I have a job to do here, and I have to figure out how to protect the entire town and you. I can’t have half my mind fixated on you and still do my job.”
“Then how about you trust me?” I growled. “That would definitely alleviate some of your fear.”
To his credit, he did give a short wince, though his back remained straight and his shoulders upright as he stared down at me. After a moment, he relented, and his body uncoiled, sympathy flickering in his eyes.
“I trust you in a lot of ways,” he said. “But keeping yourself out of harm’s way isn’t necessarily one of them.”
At first, I didn’t think I heard the words properly. Frowning, I stepped out of his grasp, and they fell to his sides.
“So, what, all the lessons with Amelia, everything you said the other night after I saved your life…those were platitudes? A way to keep me quiet?”
“No,” Sam said. “Amelia was because you wanted to learn to fight and use self-defense.”
“But now that it’s even more important, you’ve decided I just can’t handle it.”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. I scoffed as I took a step back.
“I saved your life, if you don’t remember,” I said. “And after, you told me I wasn’t weak, that I could hold my own. So what the hell changed since then?”
He shook his head in frustration as he glared at me. “What’s changed? You’re pregnant. Everything’s changed. It’s not just you now, Rachel.”
Shaking my head, I gave a half-laugh of disbelief. “Right. There it is. You don’t care about me, and you never did. It’s only now that I’m carrying your baby that you do.”
God, how could I have been so stupid? For a brief moment, I had actually deluded myself into thinking that he cared for me after all.
I had thought that maybe I had been wrong about him, that maybe things between us could work out.
But now he had just shown his true cards.
I didn’t matter to him. The only reason he was paying me the slightest bit of attention was because I was the mother of his cub.
Sam’s eyes widened as if he had figured out what he had said and what it meant.
“Rachel, that’s not what I meant. That came out wrong—”
“No,” I said through clenched teeth as I glared up at him. “It’s exactly what you meant, and it’s what I’ve known all along.”
I turned, preparing to walk out. I had only gotten a few feet away when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He held onto me, making sure I was looking at him before he started speaking.
“I care about you,” he said firmly. “I wouldn’t be bending over backward and going to all this effort to make sure you stay safe if I didn’t.
I have always cared about you, Rachel. And I want you to feel like I trust you, but I care more about keeping you and that baby safe because I don’t know what I would do if something happened to either of you. Do you understand?”
If Sam had told me he cared about me back when we were kids, if he had looked at me the way he did now, I would have been over the moon. I would have felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Now, it just made me want to scream.
I wrenched my arm out of his grasp. “Drop the guards,” I hissed. “Do you understand?”
His jaw worked. For a brief moment, I thought I might have seen guilt flickering across his face. If I did, however, it was replaced almost instantly by a steely resolve as he shook his head.
“I’m not going to do that, Rachel,” he said.
Disappointment and betrayal sank into my stomach.
I had thought he trusted me. He had apologized for assuming I couldn’t defend myself.
I had thought he would respect my wishes and give me the space to breathe.
But the truth was, he didn’t trust me. He had made a decision on what he thought was the best course of action and had taken it without consulting me.
The same way he had when we were kids, when he had rejected me the first time.
He had decided what was right without bothering to let me know ahead of time.
I had been an idiot to think he might have changed. He never would. He would never trust me, and for the rest of my life, he would continue to do this sort of thing.
Without another word, I stormed out of the room, taking deep breaths to force myself to stay in control. It wasn’t until I got out of the building and clambered into my car that I noticed I was crying.