Foreign Affairs (Golden Boys #2)

Prologue

CLASSIFIED — OFFICIAL SENSITIVE

REPORT

Subject: Reception and Initial Assessment of HIS SERENE HIGHNESS PRINCE VIDAL MONTCADA Y SACKVILLE OF CARDONA (hereinafter “the Principal”)

Reporting Officer: Major H. R. Beauchamp, Household Division, acting as military liaison attached to His Serene Highness, Prince Vidal of Cardona

Location: RAF Northolt, No. 32 (The Royal) Squadron, VIP Arrivals Suite

Date: [REDACTED]

Classification: OFFICIAL — SENSITIVE

Distribution: Private Secretary to His Majesty The King (EYES ONLY), OC Royal Household Equerry Service, Security Liaison Officer.

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1. BACKGROUND

1.1 At 0236hrs on [REDACTED], this officer received orders via secure communication from the Private Secretary’s office to proceed to RAF Northolt for the reception of a foreign national arriving via military transport from [REDACTED].

The Principal had been extracted from the Principality of Cardona following the events of [REDACTED] (see Op SANDCASTLE briefing, ref. MOD/[REDACTED]).

1.2 This officer was informed that the Principal was to be afforded the courtesies appropriate to his rank but that no formal diplomatic status existed.

The Principal holds a British passport through his maternal family (the Sackvilles of Wiltshire).

His Majesty has directed that the Principal be accommodated in London under discreet security arrangements.

This officer has been assigned as military attaché and primary point of contact for the duration.

1.3 This officer arrived at Northolt at 0340hrs.

The transport aircraft was scheduled for 0400hrs.

A Bentley Mulsanne had been arranged for onward travel to the London residence.

This officer confirmed arrangements with the ground crew, inspected the vehicle, and positioned himself at the foot of the aircraft steps to receive the Principal.

2. ARRIVAL OF THE PRINCIPAL

2.1 The aircraft landed at 0407hrs. Engines were cut at 0411hrs. The rear door was opened at 0414hrs.

2.2 There was a pause of approximately ninety seconds during which no one emerged. This officer heard what he initially assessed as a disturbance on board. Upon later reflection, it was the Principal.

2.3 At 0416hrs, the Principal appeared in the doorway of the aircraft.

He was wearing a linen suit of cream or ivory colouring, partially unbuttoned, with no tie.

A gold crucifix was visible at his throat.

His dark hair was disordered. He was carrying a single leather suitcase in his left hand and a small dog in his right.

2.4 The dog was a Chinese Crested, approximately 3–4kg in weight, with patchy tufts of white hair on its head, feet, and tail, and exposed grey-pink skin across the body.

This officer had not been briefed on the presence of an animal.

No quarantine documentation was provided at time of arrival.

(See Section 5: Outstanding Administrative Issues.)

2.5 The Principal descended the aircraft steps. Upon reaching the tarmac, he stopped, looked at this officer, and then at the sky above RAF Northolt, and crossed himself.

2.6 He then said, in English: “It is over.”

2.7 This officer introduced himself. “Your Serene Highness. Major Beauchamp. I’ll be—”

2.8 The Principal thrust the dog into this officer’s hands.

2.9 The dog urinated on this officer’s sleeve.

2.10 The Principal did not appear to notice. He strode past this officer towards the Bentley, opened the rear door himself before the driver could reach it, and flung himself across the back seat in what this officer can only describe as a controlled collapse.

3. CONDUCT DURING TRANSIT — NORTHOLT TO LONDON RESIDENCE

3.1 This officer entered the vehicle with the dog (still damp) and took a seat opposite the Principal. The journey to the London residence was approximately 40 minutes in duration.

3.2 At no point during the 40-minute transit did the Principal stop talking.

3.3 This officer will attempt to reconstruct the substance of the Principal’s remarks in the order in which they were delivered, noting that the Principal switched between English, Catalan, and what appeared to be liturgical Latin with no discernible pattern or warning.

Translations have been provided where possible.

3.4 — 0419hrs (Departing Northolt)

The Principal opened with what this officer initially interpreted as a statement of gratitude for the extraction. Upon reflection, it was a lament.

“Do you know what they have done? Do you know what they have DONE? The Republicans have voted us out by fifty-three per cent, as if sovereignty and the Montcadas’ divine right to rule were a question for a SHOW OF HANDS!

They have taken my father’s house! Men in cheap suits with clipboards and LAMINATED LANYARDS are in Palau Montcada, cataloguing the silver my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather dined on!

They are writing little numbers on the backs of Zurbaráns, touching things they do not UNDERSTAND. They do not know what any of it MEANS.”

The Principal crossed himself twice during the above passage.

He then addressed the dog, which this officer was holding at arm’s length.

The dog was identified as “Mercè” (pron.

approximately “mer-SEH”), which this officer later determined is a Catalan name referring to the patron saint of Barcelona.

The Principal spoke to the dog in rapid Catalan, the tone of which was consoling.

Approximate translation (this officer has since consulted the Catalan-speaking Driver): “Don’t worry, my love, we are safe, your father has us, God is watching even though He is clearly ON HOLIDAY.”

3.5 — 0423hrs (A3/M4 junction)

The Principal asked this officer’s name again. This officer repeated it.

“Beauchamp. Beauchamp. This is a Norman name, yes? My family fought yours at the Siege of Girona in 1285. Well. Not yours specifically. But someone’s. It doesn’t matter. Everyone has fought everyone. This is the problem with Europe.”

This officer confirmed that his surname was of Norman origin. The Principal appeared briefly satisfied before resuming his previous state of distress.

3.6 — 0426hrs (Hanger Lane)

The Principal received a telephone call, which he answered on speakerphone despite the classified nature of the journey. The caller was identified as His Majesty The King (voice recognised). The following exchange is recorded from memory:

HIS MAJESTY: “Vidal. Are you safe?”

THE PRINCIPAL: “I am in a BENTLEY, James. I have been removed from my HOMELAND in the middle of the night like a…like a…like a parcel. Like something from . They have POSTED me to England.”

HIS MAJESTY: “You’re safe. That’s what matters.”

THE PRINCIPAL: “My family is scattered to the wind! My father is in GENEVA, while my brothers are in America and down under, James! My mother is in WILTSHIRE. I am in a car with a man who Mercè has piddled on! Worst of all, I have not eaten since…since…”

[The Principal paused to calculate]

THE PRINCIPAL: “— since lunch. James. LUNCH. That was TWELVE HOURS AGO. I am wasting away.”

HIS MAJESTY: “I’ll make sure there’s food at the flat. Beauchamp will sort it.”

THE PRINCIPAL: “Who is Beauchamp?”

HIS MAJESTY: “The man who your dog urinated on, Vidal.”

This officer notes that His Majesty then ended the call. The Principal stared at the phone for several seconds before announcing to the vehicle at large: “He hung up on me. The King of the United Kingdom hung up on me. My cousin. My BLOOD.”

This officer notes that the familial connection is through Her Late Majesty Queen Victoria and involves no fewer than six intermediary generations.

3.7 — 0431hrs (Shepherd’s Bush)

The Principal entered a period of sustained vocalisation lasting approximately six minutes, during which he catalogued the losses suffered by the Montcada family across what he described as “eight hundred years of unbroken suffering.” This officer notes that the Montcada family held sovereign authority in Cardona from approximately 1509, which represents somewhat fewer than eight hundred years. This discrepancy was not raised.

Highlights of the catalogue included:

The sack of the Palau Montcada by Castilian forces in 1714 (“We survived the BOURBONS, Major.”)

A cousin who lost a hand in a duel in 1843 (“Over a HORSE, not even a woman, a HORSE.”)

The partial destruction of the family’s olive groves during an unspecified 19th-century conflict (“The TREES, Major. Do you understand what it takes to grow an olive tree? CENTURIES. You cannot rush an olive tree. They are like the Montcadas. Patient and BITTER.”)

The present results of the Republican Referendum, which the Principal ranked as “worse than all of it, worse than the Bourbons, worse than the olives, worse than Cousin Felip’s hand, because at least Felip got a very good PAINTING out of it.”

During this passage, the dog (Mercè) fell asleep on this officer’s lap.

3.8 — 0437hrs (Hyde Park Corner)

The Principal’s tone shifted from historical lamentation to what this officer would characterise as logistical despair. He asked the following questions in rapid succession, pausing for answers to none of them:

“Where am I living? How many rooms? Is there a balcony? I cannot live without a balcony. I will die without natural light. Is there a kitchen? Can one have things delivered? I need candles. I need GOOD candles. Not the English ones that smell like a church, the French ones, from Diptyque. Do you know Diptyque, Major? Of course you don’t!

You look like a man who has never lit a candle for pleasure in his life.

Is there a bath? Not a shower. A BATH. I need to soak.

I need to soak for several hours. I need to wash this entire night off my body.

Is there hot water? If there is no hot water I am going to Geneva to be with my father.

He at least understands central heating. ”

This officer confirmed that the residence had hot water, a bath, and electrics to current modern standards. The question regarding candles was noted but not addressed.

3.9 — 0441hrs (Park Lane)

The Principal fell abruptly silent and remained so for approximately four minutes. He turned his face towards the window. This officer observed that the Principal’s hands were shaking.

The dog woke, crossed the vehicle of its own accord, and settled in the Principal’s lap. The Principal held it close against his chest and said nothing.

This officer did not speak.

3.10 — 0445hrs (Mayfair approach)

The Principal said, very quietly, in Catalan: “Déu meu, què he fet per merèixer això.”

Translation: “My God, what have I done to deserve this.”

He crossed himself. He kissed the crucifix at his throat.

He straightened his suit jacket, pushed his hair off his forehead, and by the time the Bentley pulled up to the residence, his expression was composed, his posture was upright, and his smile, directed at this officer as the door was opened, was dazzling.

“Well, Major. Show me my place of exile. Show me my Elba.”

4. INITIAL ASSESSMENT

4.1 The Principal is physically unharmed. He is emotionally volatile but appears to be processing the events of the past 48 hours through sustained verbal expression rather than withdrawal. This officer assesses this as a coping mechanism rather than a security concern.

4.2 The Principal is charismatic, theatrical, and unaccustomed to being managed. He issued approximately 14 directives during the 40-minute journey, complied with zero of this officer’s, and appeared to regard the security briefing this officer attempted to deliver at the residence as “optional.”

4.3 The Principal has a dog. No one told this officer about the dog.

4.4 The dog does not appear to be house-trained.

4.5 This officer wishes to note, for the record, that at no point during the briefing, the extraction, or the preparatory documentation was the presence of a Chinese Crested mentioned, alluded to, or implied.

This officer’s uniform jacket is currently at the dry cleaner’s.

The cost of cleaning will be submitted with this month’s expenses.

5. OUTSTANDING ADMINISTRATIVE ISSUES

5.1 Quarantine and import documentation for one (1) Chinese Crested, female, name: Mercè, age: unknown, temperament: incontinent.

5.2 Dietary requirements for the Principal: this officer was informed the Principal “cannot eat English food” and “will die” without olive oil of a specific provenance. This officer is seeking clarification on whether this constitutes a genuine dietary restriction or a taste preference.

5.3 The candle situation.

5.4 Replacement uniform jacket.

6. RECOMMENDATION

6.1 The Principal requires structured daily management, clear security protocols, and firm boundaries. This officer anticipates that the implementation of all three will be met with significant resistance.

6.2 The Principal is, however, a British passport holder, a guest of His Majesty and, when not in a state of acute distress, evidently possessed of considerable personal magnetism.

This officer is confident that a professional working relationship can be established, provided expectations are clearly communicated and maintained.

6.3 This officer requests a meeting with the Private Secretary at the earliest opportunity to discuss the scope of his duties, the Principal’s security posture, and the long-term accommodation of Mercè.

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H. R. Beauchamp

Major, Household Division

Appendix A: Annotated map of residence (security features marked)

Appendix B: Principal’s passport documentation

Appendix C: Photograph of Mercè (for quarantine file)