Chapter Seven #2
“Second question, and this is the important one. Where will you take him? Because Trevor, you understand, has been on these apps, which is a sign of a man of modest standards and great patience. He is expecting you to put in an effort, Beauchamp. He is a man with a decent salary and a tragic recent history. He has been let down by the world, Beauchamp! He must be treated gently.”
“Sir, I am not —”
“You must fight against your natural British inclination and must not take him to a gastropub, Beauchamp. I want to be very clear with you on this point. Under no circumstances is a first meeting with Trevor to occur in a gastropub. They are rooms full of bad art and loud couples on their third bottle, and they do not allow a man to hear the soft noises of another man falling in love with him across a table. Second rule. Not a sushi restaurant. Sushi is sexy if you know how to handle it and a minefield if you do not. You do not want to be concentrating on chopsticks when you should be concentrating on his eyes. Third rule — ”
“Sir, please.”
“Third rule, and I cannot stress this enough, Beauchamp: no Italian. Not for the first meeting. If you take this young man for Italian, he will assume you have taken every previous young man for Italian, and he will be correct, because the British default for a slightly better-than-average first date is a candle-lit room with a checked tablecloth and a waiter who calls you boss. He has been let down by a man. He does not need to also be bored. Do I make myself clear?”
Beauchamp nodded numbly.
“I am thinking,” Vidal went on, clearly enjoying himself, “of a Lebanese place in Fitzrovia which I have been to once, in the company of a Saudi diplomat whose name I will not mention because he is now married. It is warm. The lighting is flattering. The mezze can be shared, which is important, Beauchamp, because you want to be building intimacy, not competing at separate plates. They will send you home with a bag of leftovers without being asked, which is a sign of a good restaurant. I will send you the address.”
“That won’t be necessary, sir.”
“I will send you the address, Beauchamp, and I will also send you a short briefing on the political situation in Lebanon for the last six months, because Trevor works in cybersecurity and will have opinions. You’ll want to be prepared.
Nothing is more attractive to a modern gay man than a military officer who can converse, Beauchamp, this is known, I have conducted my own research on the subject.
A soldier who can only discuss ordnance and the weather is a soldier who goes home alone. ”
“Sir, I —”
“On the matter of what you will wear. Not the regimental kit. I know, I know, it is how he first saw you, and there is a logic there, but it is also a great deal of pressure on him to live up to. You do not want him sitting across from you in his nice shirt thinking, my God, he has come from a parade. You want him thinking, here is a man who has made an effort for me, on a Saturday evening. I would suggest —”
“Sir, I am not going to receive dressing advice from my principal.”
“You are, Beauchamp.” Vidal patted his forearm.
“You are, because I will continue to give it whether you receive it or not, and you will find that my taste is unimpeachable. You will wear a dark blue shirt. Open at the throat. No tie. The navy suit you have been wearing all week is perfectly adequate, if you leave the jacket open. And for the love of God, the brown shoes, not the black. Black shoes are for the office. Brown shoes say, I have not yet given up on the prospect of love.”
Beauchamp walked on, stiffly, with Mercè while Vidal walked beside him, the flow of his words unceasing.
“The question of the kiss at the end of the evening is a complicated one, Beauchamp, and I will not presume to direct you on it, because men of your stripe have instincts about these things that must be respected. But I will say —”
“Sir.”
“— that a first kiss on a first evening is a gamble that pays off about sixty per cent of the time, which is not bad odds, but you must read the room. Trevor has had a terrible year. Trevor is looking for a man who will not rush him. If you sense a hesitation you must honour it. A hand on the small of the back at the taxi door is often quite sufficient, and it leaves him thinking about you in a way that a clumsy kiss will not. Are you listening, Major?”
“To every word, sir.”
“Good. Because there will be a test. On Sunday I shall expect a full debrief. Every detail. I shall be taking notes.”
“There will be no debriefing, sir.”
“I shall be taking extensive notes on the debriefing, Beauchamp, and I shall be making recommendations for the second date. I do not want you letting this slip through your hands because you have grown complacent. A man of your age who has been out of the field for however long you have been out of the field, needs to move with some deliberation. I am here to help. This is a service I am providing to you out of personal fondness, and Mercè obviously agrees with me.”
Mercè, hearing her name, opened one eye against Beauchamp’s lapel and closed it again.
They had reached the door of the building. Beauchamp produced the key from his inside pocket with the hand that was not holding the dog, and pushed the door open. Vidal sailed through it ahead of him, triumphant and still talking.