Chapter 17 #2
He’s always talked her up to Ford, done his best to remind him of what few memories he has, and still keeps half a dozen photos up around the house including their wedding photo.
They still go to the grave every year on her birthday, and he brings my mom flowers on the anniversary of her death.
From the outside, if someone asked me, I’d say he still carries a torch for her.
Enough that it made sense to me he’d still be dating women who weren’t really over their husbands either.
Someone who could understand him. Anson has lots of good qualities but I wouldn’t count emotionally available among them.
“Fannie was leaving me for someone else.” Anson drops a bomb that sucks all of the oxygen out of the room.
“What?” My eyes snap to his, trying to see if he’s serious.
He must be. Anson doesn’t say things that aren’t serious very often.
Certainly not about something like this.
But I can’t imagine Fannie leaving him. Anson was a prize.
A trophy she paraded around town. She bragged about him and Ford to anyone who would listen.
“Shortly before she died. She told me she was leaving me. She met someone else, and she wanted a divorce.”
“She met someone else? Who? When?” I try to think back to who might have even been a possibility. She and I weren’t as close as sisters usually are, but surely I would have known if she were seeing someone else behind Anson’s back.
“I don’t know. I have my suspicions. But I don’t know.
I couldn’t bring myself to dig into her personal things.
Even after she died. I didn’t want it to be true.
I didn’t want to have to deal with her death and the specter of the divorce.
I didn’t want Ford to know. The crash and losing his mom already broke his heart. ”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Or Mom?”
“I figured if you knew, you knew. If you didn’t, there might have been a reason she didn’t share it. It was her business.”
“Her business? Anson, what if she was cheating on you?” I’m angry on his behalf. I loved my sister despite our differences. I miss her to the moon and back. I’d give anything to have her back here watching Ford grow up. Don’t get me wrong.
But she had a mean streak born out of self-centeredness that few people wanted to acknowledge when she was alive, and even fewer now that she was gone.
In everyone’s memory, she’s a shining beacon of light.
My mother’s favorite and my father’s too before he died.
She was gorgeous and bubbly, and she drew all the attention and conversation in the room when she walked in.
I went away to college just to get a chance to be someone else other than Fannie’s sister.
“I’m pretty sure she was at the end. Again, I didn’t want to know. Back then, Briggs Construction was still getting on its feet, and I was gone long hours all day, every day. I guess I couldn’t blame her. I wasn’t around to pay attention to her. I’m sure it was lonely.”
“You would try to take the blame for her.” I shake my head.
“Oh, I blamed her. Fuck. Do you know what it’s like to be furious with someone when they die?”
“I can imagine it’s not easy.” I put my hand over the back of his, brushing my thumb over the side of his hand.
“I really thought she loved you. When she got pregnant, I thought she’d finally settle down.
” Fannie always had a new guy on her arm.
No attention was ever enough for her. But Anson was everything she said she wanted.
They looked like a fairy tale from the outside.
“She didn’t want to settle down. I pushed to get married. That’s how our parents raised us, you know? Do the right thing. Be there for her. Have a family when the baby comes. She wasn’t sold on it, so I couldn’t be surprised when she wanted out early.”
“I’m sorry. That must have broken your heart twice over. I wish you’d told me. I loved her, but you know I would have understood. I knew her well enough to know she was capable of it.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to have another reason to have bad memories of her. She was flawed, sure. But she loved you and your mom. She loved Ford even if she didn’t love me.”
“She didn’t deserve you.”
“I didn’t deserve her either. I loved her the way you do when she’s the mother of your child and the person you come home to.
But I wasn’t in love with her. Not like I should have been.
I knew she didn’t really want me, and I guess it always made me hold something back too.
Maybe I pushed her into someone else’s arms.”
“Anson, don’t say that.”
“I know you were still young when we got married, and she wanted to pretend like it was a whole love story come true between us. But what it was really was a couple of beers and a one-night stand that ended up a whole lot more complicated. I love that kid more than life. I wouldn’t trade those choices for anything so long as I get Ford in the end, but fuck…
it feels good to finally be honest about it somewhere other than in my head. ”
“I had no idea. You always seemed like such a devoted husband. You’re such a good dad. The way you always talked to Ford about her and made sure he wouldn’t forget her.”
“She deserved that. He deserved it. She loved him so damn much. I think he mighta been the one true good thing in her life. You know? She loved him more than anyone or anything. She was a good mom.”
I nod. Ford was the one thing that seemed to make her a little more circumspect. But apparently not enough to make her appreciate all that she had in Anson. I can’t imagine having a man like him and looking for someone else.
“So”—he takes another draw off his beer—“I’m not her husband. I barely was in the end, and I’m sure as fuck not now.”
“I’m sorry I pressed on an old wound. I didn’t mean to. I guess I was just emotional today with Ford.”
“You didn’t press on anything. The scar tissue’s thick enough on that wound that I don’t even think about it anymore. Definitely not when I’m with you.”
“I doubt you just forget I’m her sister.”
Fannie’s sister is who I am in this town. The same way the sky is blue.
“Darlin’, I forget my own name. You walk in, and I don’t give a damn about anything else.” He lets out a rumbling, self-deprecating laugh. “So yeah. I forget you’re her sister, and even when I do remember, it doesn’t make one single bit of difference to me.”
“It would make a difference to a lot of other people. They’d have all kinds of thoughts. A lot of words too. And I imagine a few names.”
“The people who matter in our lives wouldn’t.”
“Not even Ford?” I get to the heart of the matter. “I might not be his mom. He may never think of me that way. But since you never got remarried, you’re right. I’m the closest he’s got, and I can’t lose that.”
“I don’t want him to lose that either.”
“What if he hates this? Us?”
“He won’t hate it. He’s barely even aware you’ve been around more. He’s too focused on his own life to care what we’re doing.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“I know my son.” Anson pushes off the wall and closes the distance between us.
“And he loves you so much that if he did find out, he’d never hate it.
He might worry about losing you if things ended badly between us.
But I meant what I said when we started this.
For me, this doesn’t change anything else we have.
You’re still part of this family, and I hope I’m part of yours even though you know the truth now.
” He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my knuckles before meeting my eyes.
“Of course you are. Always.” I promise.
He kisses me, softly at first, but then his hand slips to my waist, and he pins me against the wall. His kiss turns deeper, more pointed, and if I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was claiming me for something more than what we’ve been doing.