Chapter 24
Autumn
S o, this is apparently a thing now. We have seen each other, had sex, and stayed at each other’s houses most nights for the last few weeks. He’s mostly been at my place because I don’t want to leave Jed too often. I think he likes the excuse to come over because he is Jed’s new favorite human.
The trouble is, I have absolutely no idea whether this is something permanent or fleeting. I didn’t want anything from Sawyer apart from sex, but the care he has shown me made me realise that maybe I did want more. My heart has just been too closed off to realise it. As much as I think he has been hot and cold with me, I have been the same without realizing it. Is he a friend with benefits? Is this a situationship? A Relationship? I wouldn’t imagine that a friends-with-benefits situation or a casual hook-up would care about who has come in my mouth, but honestly, you never can tell with Sawyer. He is such a hot head. He is everything I should run from, but when his jealousy and possessiveness are because of me, it makes me giddy.
Sawyer’s walking the tightrope between whether he wants more or less from me. His words make me think he wants more; his actions make me think he wants less.
The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. There is no doubt about it, I am unequivocally falling for him. I didn’t think I would ever see the day or know what that feeling was, but it has started to creep up on me and I am so scared of getting hurt. I really care about him, and it is terrifying.
It hit me hard when he brought me coffee in bed a couple of weeks ago after fucking my brains out. That was the moment I knew I cared. It wasn’t a grand gesture but rather something normal, and I realized I wanted him permanently with me. The nights that we spend apart are torturous. I felt safer with him, cared for, adored, and he knew exactly what he was doing.
Surely you wouldn’t take someone casual out to your family home, in the ass end of buttfuck nowhere, to meet said family. Would you?
“What are we? What is this thing?” I ask as we drive down some country roads. The radio breaking up every couple of minutes has filled Sawyer’s truck with a weird but not uncomfortable silence.
“We are us,” he replies, shrugging his shoulders casually. What a shit answer.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. That isn’t good enough. If all you want me as is a fuck buddy, I am okay with that, but all this possessive “mine” shit can be confusing for a girl, you know. We’ve been together almost every day for weeks now, and everything you say makes me think you want something more from me. At the same time, your actions make me think you only want somewhere warm to put your dick, and hey, I am cool with either. I just need to know.” I am absolutely not cool with either, but I don’t want to scare him off when he already has one foot in and one foot out of the door. Sawyer has struggled to communicate with me about his wife. I know the basics, but he laughed it off when he was telling me. I can only assume that’s how he responds during uncomfortable conversations.
As though he can read my mind he says, “Let’s get one thing straight right now, Autumn. You are never just somewhere warm I can put my dick in.” Sawyer looks affronted, and grabs hold of the steering wheel so tight I think he might rip it clean off.
“I wish I had a better answer to give you. I am so fucked up from my marriage that I’m scared to let anyone in. It isn’t every day that you find your wife fucking your best friend. They were both everything to me, but apparently, I was nothing to them.”
“But I’m not her,” I say, infuriated that this barrier exists.
Ignoring what I say, Sawyer continues his rant, like if he stops now, he’ll never start again.
“When I walked into the kitchen that day, they didn’t hear me, but I heard them. Nicole – that’s her name - was talking about me as my best friend’s cock was buried inside her. She uttered, and I quote, “I fucking love having you in me. And when Sawyer is buried in my pussy tonight, I’ll have had you both today. You’re the one I’ll be thinking about when he comes in me. You’re always the one I think about. I never should have married him, I’ll be closing my eyes and wishing it were you. I fucking love you, Rob.” Then I coughed and told them not to stop on my account. I threw her out of the house that night and haven’t seen her since.”
His face is tortured as he is reliving this painful memory.
“It was only through Nicole’s friends that I discovered it had been going on for four years. They all came out of the woodwork after they heard about the split. Clearly, they didn’t care to share at the time but couldn’t wait to burden me with the details as soon as it was out in the open.” He lets out a large sigh and slumps back into the seat of the car.
“I shared my wife for 4-years. For our entire marriage. I felt disgusting. After a few weeks, she tried to contact me because even though she supposedly loved Rob, he clearly didn’t love her. It was painfully obvious that Nicole was someone for Rob to shoot cum into. I still get the occasional message from her. Even now, she tries to dig her talons in. No matter how often I change my number, she still finds a way to get it. I despise everything about her but cannot get over what they did to me. My best friend and my wife. I lost them both overnight, and it was devastating. I never wanted to care about you, Autumn. I didn’t want to let you in, but you’re in. You’re so fucking in, and I don’t know what to do about it, but I cannot and will not give you any more right now.”
I am absolutely gobsmacked and horrified.
“Sawyer, I don’t know what to say.” I wipe the tears away from my eyes that have been threatening to bubble over for weeks now. “Saying ‘I’m sorry that happened to you’ doesn’t seem to cut it. I may not know Nicole, but I definitely hate her. What a detestable woman. I will never know, and I can’t begin to imagine how that must have made you feel.” I start to get more tearful through sheer frustration. I was not expecting him to be so brutally honest. Fully understanding now why he’s been giving me whiplash for so long, and although I do understand, I am also furious. “Just so we’re clear, I didn’t want to care about you either.”
“Autumn, why are you crying? Don’t be upset,” he asks while his hand runs up and down my thigh. I quickly pull away from his touch.
“I’m not crying because I’m upset. I’m crying because I’m angry. She stole your happiness, and she’s stolen my happiness, too. I am so sad that all of this happened to you, but I am so angry that this is ruling your life ten years later. You say that you despise her, but she is still controlling your life. You do know that, don’t you?” He looks at me blankly.
“Let me rephrase. This may be brutal, but please tell me that you know that she hasn’t ruined your happiness. Please tell me that you know that you are doing that all by yourself now. You’re letting her win. I can’t and won’t try to prove to you that I am not her. I don’t compete with anyone, especially cheating little bitches.” He tries to speak, and I cut him off.
“Stop right now. You are making me compete with your ex-wife. That is exactly what it is—a competition. A competition between you hating your ex-wife and your own happiness, and Nicole has won. I refuse to be a pawn in whatever twisted game of chess this is.” I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head in annoyance. “You’re driving me to meet your family, for fucks sake. But you can’t even be straight with me. This is unbelievably cruel. I can’t do it, Sawyer. I’m not going to let you keep me in your peripheral. I am falling for you, and you are breaking my heart. Was that your plan all along?” I swipe a tear away from my cheek.
“No. You don’t get to shut me down. You don’t get to make me out to be the bad guy when you didn’t want anything serious from me to begin with. That isn’t fair. This was just fun for both of us. Then it changed. My god, I hate that it changed. This wasn’t supposed to be difficult. This was supposed to be easy.” He shouts in frustration.
“When this weekend is over, I think it is best if we don’t see each other again. You’re right. This isn’t fair. On either of us. If we weren’t so far away, I’d ask you to turn back. Don’t forget, you infiltrated my life, not the other way around. I hate that it changed too.” I whisper and turn my face to watch the countryside pass by as my anger flows out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
Sawyer opens his mouth to say something, and I snap.
“Don’t. There is nothing that you can say that won’t make this worse. Please. Keep driving. I don’t want to hear any more about your fucking pity party for one.” I refuse to speak to him for the rest of the drive, so I get my phone out and begin rage-texting Alice to keep myself busy.
An hour passes, and before I know it, the tyres of Sawyer’s truck are crunching on a gravel driveway. It is slightly after one pm as we are approaching Sawyer’s family home. It is beautiful. I have never seen another house like it. It looks as though there would be photos of this house splashed all over a centrefold of a lifestyle magazine.
This is going to be awkward. A house in the middle of nowhere with Sawyer’s family. I am severely outnumbered. What could possibly go wrong?
“Hey, Momma,” Sawyer says as he gets out of the truck. The gravel cracks under his feet as he walks around the side of the truck to embrace his Mum.
“Oh, Sawyer, what did you do this time? Why does this beautiful woman look as if she wants to kill you?” She stands in front of Sawyer with her hands on her hips, her nose wrinkled, and one eyebrow cocked.
“Well, you are certainly perceptive, Mrs. Green! It is so lovely to meet you. I am Autumn.” I like her already.
I let out a genuine laugh, and Sawyer is visibly pissed that his mother is already on my side, and she has absolutely no idea what is going on.
I am pulled into a huge hug by the warmest and most gentle lady. Sawyer’s mum smells of freshly cut flowers and nutmeg. She is probably around five feet tall, so naturally, it makes me feel like a giant. But she reaches up and puts her hands on my cheeks, pulling my head down a little, and looks into my eyes as if she were trying to read my life story.
“You’re a pretty one, aren’t you? My, oh my. Son. How on earth did you end up with someone this lovely?” She peers around the side of me to raise her eyebrows at Sawyer. I let out a soft but awkward laugh.
“My dear-” She directs her next sentence to me “-were you dropped on your head as a child? Was he the best you could do?! Or do you English girls not have very high standards?” I am belly-laughing now.
“Well, Mrs. Green! I think I am going to like you!” I say to her.
“I think I’m going to like you, too! Anyone who can handle my son gets an immediate head start! Please, come in. Everyone's waiting to meet you. Also, my name is Claudia. Mrs. Green makes me seem way older than I feel. It is so good to finally meet you. It is also so good to know that Sawyer is not a monk. We were beginning to believe that he was!” Although she is clearly joking, Sawyer’s Mum is a firecracker. She has done an incredible job of putting me at ease, and I already love her.
"You have such a beautiful home, Claudia."
"Thank-you. We built it ourselves." That would explain why I'd never seen anything like it. A true original.
Sawyer skulks into the house, grumbling away with his tail between his legs. If this were a cartoon, he’d have a cloud above his head with a thunderstorm brewing.
I slide my boots off and wiggle my toes in my socks on the polished floors. Claudia takes my hand and leads me through the house. There is an expanse of wood everywhere. The house is big and open and so warm. The further Claudia leads me into the house, the closer I get to the delicious smell of baked goods. It wraps around me like I am being embraced in a warm hug. I smell cake, and I hear people. If all else fails this weekend, I can always suffocate myself in the chocolate cake that is sitting on the counter and put myself out of my misery. What a way to die.
“Come to the patio, Honey. Most of the family are here.” Honey – that’s what Edith calls me, and I get a sudden pang of guilt that I’ve taken so much time off work lately. Not that Edith cares. She actively encouraged it. Approaching the covered patio, I look down at my feet noting the socks. Like Claudia can read my mind she says "Here, slip your feet into these. They will keep your toes warm." then slides me a pair of too-big-for-me clogs. I slip my feet in and start feeling slightly intimidated to be in Sawyer’s family home, with his siblings and their partners here. Never have I seen a group of people who are so clearly related. Sawyer’s two brothers are here. A petite blonde woman is standing next to one of the brothers, who I assume is his wife. The other brother is by himself, next to an older man cradling a coffee. Wow, Sawyer’s dad is an absolute silver fox. They are an incredibly gorgeous family.
We are a group of seven, including Sawyer, Claudia, and me, and I feel incredibly outnumbered.
“Honey, let me introduce you to the Greens. This is Frank, my husband. To his left is Oliver, the middle child, and his wife, Lottie. This is their little girl, Poppy, and the loveable rogue on the right is Carter, my youngest son.” Everyone exchanges pleasant greetings with me. “Unfortunately, you won’t meet Lainey, Sawyer’s sister, because she’s working overseas. But this is most of the Green family, and last, but most certainly not least, is Callie. Callie, come here, girl! I hope you like dogs, Autumn!”
“Oh, I love dogs, Claudia. I have a beautiful boy myself, called Jed. He is staying with my neighbours this weekend.” Dog may have been a slight misrepresentation of Callie – she would be better described as a bear. A Newfoundland, to be exact. She is beautiful . A huge brown fluff ball.
“Oh, my word. Look at you! Hi baby!” Callie walks up to me, completely ignoring Sawyer’s whistling as he tries to get her attention. Pathetic, I know, but I get the deepest level of satisfaction that his own family dog has ignored him and made a beeline straight for me. Take that, you grumpy asshole.
“Don’t worry, Callie. I ignore him, too. He’s a fool.” I shoot a satisfied smile to Sawyer and scratch the hairy bear behind the ears.
The family laughs while he looks fixedly at me with pure annoyance.
“Oh, I like this one, Son.” Frank chortles from behind his cup of coffee. “She’s going to keep you on your toes.”
If only that were true.