11.
C OURTNEY
I smiled to myself as I set my phone aside, wondering how I’d found the one person on the planet who lived with hours crazier than mine.
Soon after we’d finished eating last night, Zane had gotten a call about a wreck on the highway and had to leave.
When I talked to him early this morning while I was getting the kids ready, he still hadn’t been to bed.
Now, at almost noon, he was finally home and getting ready for bed. He had sent me a sweet text saying that he hoped I was having a fantastic day and he would talk to me this evening.
It was crazy how giddy that made me. It reminded me of how I felt back in high school when one of the football players struck up a conversation with me. Of course, that didn’t go anywhere back then, but I found myself hoping more than I should that what Zane and I had started would.
So far, I’d found that we had quite a few differences, mostly because of our backgrounds. From the stories I’d heard so far, his childhood had been one I could only dream about and now wanted more than anything to give to my own children.
But I wasn’t sure how well that would work if I was dating a man who didn’t have a family of his own.
He’d never even been married - not that I was looking for someone that was divorced and juggling shared custody, but how could a man who had never really made that level of commitment to anyone understand the sacrifices it took to raise children?
I scoffed before I muttered to myself, “It’s not like he already proposed, dumbass!”
I knew I wasn’t going to get any work done if I started spiraling into “what might happen” and “what I wish would happen” scenarios, so I did what I had always done when I needed to get my mind off my troubles.
Leticia answered on the second ring, and within just a few minutes, I’d poured out all of my doubts and fears about the situation with Zane.
Leticia listened and did her best to talk me off the ledge. It helped, but she could tell I wasn’t back to myself yet, so she pulled out the big guns.
I had to pull the phone away from my ear when she started singing, but by the time she finished the first verse of “That’s What Friends Are For” by Dionne Warwick, I was smiling.
When her off-key voice went even higher and she started in on the chorus, I got the giggles.
By the time she was finished with the song, we were both out of breath.
I wiped the tears off my face as I said, “You’re a nut, Leti.”
“Whatever it takes to yank you out of the doom spiral, my friend. But everyone in the store is staring at me now, and I need to let you go so I can scan my groceries.”
“You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”
“I know, right?” Leticia asked before she hung up.
Now that I was feeling a little better, I decided to write down my worries and fears and then leave them to address later.
That was something I’d been doing since I was a kid, although the notes and questions back then were things like, “How many months can we go before the city shuts off the water?” and “Practice Mom’s signature to make it easier to turn in school papers.”
You know - perfectly normal kid things.
I went to where I’d left my purse on the side table by the front door and dug out the notebook I used to take notes during doctor visits and teacher meetings. I found a blank page near the back and started my list.
So far, he’s proven to be levelheaded with the kids, even when Dayton’s being difficult, but what will happen when things get really tense? If he raises his voice, that’s a good indicator of things to come that I won’t tolerate at all.
Sure, he’s great now when I have to cancel because something comes up with the kids, but how long can that last? I have to expect that he’s going to get irritated at some point, and that will be tough shit because the kids come first.
Is he going to expect me to prioritize his schedule over the needs of my children? Because that’s not going to happen.
Honestly, I didn’t see him doing that, but it was hard not to think of how old it would get for him.
He would probably just drift away rather than put up with it.
So far, he’d been wonderful and very considerate, always being sure to include the kids when he was around.
He even purposely drew them into conversations when he didn’t have to.
I thought back to the men my mom used to bring around when we were children.
Most of them didn’t pay any attention to us unless we got loud and annoying, something we learned from an early age not to ever do.
Other men came in expecting to rule the roost instantly and have us be servants who were at their beck and call all the time. And others . . .
I shook my head. I was not going to think about any of that today.
I knew from experience to be careful around men, and I was cautious about their contact with my children - and that meant any man, including Zane.
Even though I’d never gotten an odd vibe from Zane, that didn’t mean I trusted him implicitly.
Yes, I let Dawson and Dayton ride with him to drop off the car, but Dawson was almost an adult and a strapping teenager.
I knew without a doubt that he wouldn’t allow any funny business, but somewhere in my heart, I knew that Zane wouldn’t try anything either.
I dropped the pen and put my elbows on the table so I could rest my face in my hands.
As much as I hated being the paranoid mama, I just couldn’t stop myself and wasn’t sure I wanted to.
My paranoia had saved me in more situations than I could count, so I wasn’t about to discount it now.
There was too much resting on the choices I made to be anything but careful.
I’d already let Zane in further than any man I’d dated before.
I realized I was starting to spiral again, so I hopped out of my chair and picked up my purse. Leticia had done her best, and it had worked for a while, but now I was going to have to resort to drastic measures.
Sometimes, when all I could see was the dark, the best thing to do was seek out the goodness and light. I knew without a doubt that she’d be happy to sit and chat with me.
◆◆◆
“You’re here!” Grandma said with a gasp as she looked at her watch.
“Don’t worry! I’m early!”
“I thought I was starting to slip. That happens to people, you know,” Grandma said in a hushed voice as she glanced at the open door behind me.
So far, Grandma had only been forgetful occasionally, and the doctors attributed that to the medication she was on for her heart problems, but I knew that was one of her biggest fears.
“You’re more with it than most people I know,” I assured her.
Grandma smiled before she asked, “Weren’t you supposed to come for dinner tonight?”
“Yes, and we are, but I wanted to hang out with you alone for a bit.”
“What’s wrong, sweet girl?” Grandma asked as she extended her hand toward me.
I held it and rested our hands on the bed before I said, “I need some advice.”
“It’s not often you come to me for advice anymore,” Grandma remarked, clearly concerned. She frowned before she asked, “Did your mother do something else?”
“No, Grandma, this has nothing to do with Mom,” I assured her as I perched on the bed, her hand still in mine.
“Then what’s wrong, child? Spit it out before you worry me into another heart attack.”
“Don’t even joke about that,” I warned. I took a second to gather my thoughts before I said, “I met a guy who seems wonderful, but knowing what I know about human nature, I’m worried that I’ve got blinders on.”
“As careful as you are, I sincerely doubt it.”
“How can I be sure?”
“Nothing in this life is really sure, sweetheart. It ebbs and flows like the weather, and it’s just about as predictable.”
“I just don’t want to make a mistake like I did with Chad.”
“Chad wasn’t really a mistake, Courtney.” When I started to argue, she squeezed my hand and said, “He was a learning experience. He was your way out of the life you couldn’t control, and he gave you one of the most precious gifts a man can ever give a woman - your sweet little Beau.”
“I thought I loved him.”
“You did love him, with all your heart, because that’s the only way you know how. You either love someone, or you cut them off completely. Unfortunately, the way you grew up made you the kind of person that is really black and white, good and evil, and nothing in between.”
“I don’t think I’m that bad.”
“I may have overstated it, but if you think about the relationships and friendships you’ve had over the years, how did most of those end?”
“With me making a decision and sticking to it no matter what,” I admitted.
“Tell me about this man you’ve met. It’s the tow truck driver, right?”
“Yes. I don’t know that there’s much to tell. We’re just getting to know . . . No, there is a lot to tell you.”
“Start at the beginning, sweetheart. Tell me everything.”
I told Grandma about my first meeting with Zane and then the breakfast we shared and all the information he’d given me about his family and his life while we ate. I glossed over the details of how I’d attacked my mom and told her how he held me in his arms while I cried after it was over.
I explained that he’d taken me to his sister’s house and called in a favor from an old friend to get Dayton the help he needed that night and how he’d taken Dawson and Dayton under his wing since then and was teaching them about cars.
She smiled when I told her that Dayton was excited about something for the first time in a long time, and it was all because Zane had promised to take him to a dirt track to teach him how to ride.
Her eyes softened, and she put her hand over her heart when I told her how comfortable I was when he was around and how giddy it made me every time I got a text from him or, better yet, saw his face.
“He seems like a wonderful man, Courtney. I love that your face lights up when you talk about him.”
“I feel like he makes me glow on the inside too. It makes my stomach flip around, and I get flustered when he looks at me a certain way . . .”
When my voice trailed off, Grandma winked at me and said, “I remember those days, sweetheart. If you’ve found the right man, those feelings won’t ever stop either. They may slow down or you may lose sight of them at times, but when it’s something real and worthwhile, they always come back.”
“I think my problem is that I’m more prone to cut and run to protect myself than to stick around and see what happens.”
“No, you’re not. If you were the type to cut and run, you never would have come back to Rojo to help me with the kids, and you wouldn’t have gone through all that legal red tape so you could adopt the younger ones.
” Grandma sighed before she said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but when it comes to relationships, you’re a coward. ”
My eyebrows nearly shot up to my hairline. Grandma had never insulted me like that before.
“Is that what you really think?” I asked.
“I know that hurt your feelings, Courtney, but it had to be said. Yes, you’re loyal to your family and will fight to the death for the kids, but you’re a coward.”
“I am not!”
“In any other relationship besides the one you have with the kids, you make a list of things that could possibly go wrong and then make sure that whoever you’re uncertain about fails all of your insane qualifications so you can push them away before they have a chance to hurt you.”
I thought about the list I’d made this morning and knew Grandma was right. On it, I’d mentioned that if Zane raised his voice even once, it was over. And I would sadly stick to that - no matter what the situation.
I wouldn’t allow him to yell at the kids, but considering how my life had been going for the past few months, I was sure another emergency situation would come up. He might raise his voice in the heat of the moment when things got really tense.
When that happened, I would have my out and I would use it. Or would I? I certainly always had in the past.
I broke up with one guy because he told Alana to be quiet while we were eating at a restaurant.
In hindsight, I can admit that I overreacted.
He hadn’t snapped at her or even ordered her to do anything.
When she yelled again , he gently asked her to use her inside voice since I was dealing with Leo and Beau.
Needless to say, making sure he didn’t try to assert himself way into parenting decisions was on my list, and I found a way to fit what he’d done into that category.
Very unfairly, I might add.
“Are you remembering the times that you held people to unattainable standards and then cut them off when they didn’t perform the way you thought they should?” Grandma asked.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Stop making lists, Courtney, and live a happy life with the kids. I know you’ll never let anyone hurt them, but you’re obsessed. If you don’t relax, you’ll never be able to let anyone in to show you that they won’t hurt you or, even better, that they can make you happier than you already are.”
“I don’t know if I’m really happy at all.”
“Even with a home full of the children you love and a close relationship with the one friend you haven’t managed to run off, you’re still very alone, sweetheart. That’s just not a pleasant way to go through life.”
“I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Have faith in this guy. From everything you’ve told me, he sounds like a great man, and those don’t come around nearly as often as books and movies lead us all to believe.”
“He does seem like a good man,” I admitted.
“And I can tell you that he comes from a wonderful family. They’re a little wild and crazy, but in a good way. I remember how much Maria loved each one of them, and she was not one to suffer fools easily. If I’d paid attention, I would have wondered why she put up with me all those years.”
“You’re not a fool, Grandma, you just have a heart as big as Texas.”
“Well, that big ol’ heart has led me to make some questionable decisions that are coming back to haunt me.”
“You’re talking about Mom, aren’t you?”
“Thank you for forgiving me for not always choosing what was right for you and the children, Courtney. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, though.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. You gave Mom a wonderful life, and you taught us what love was when she couldn’t.”
“I hope so,” Grandma said quietly as her eyes welled with tears. “I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become, Courtney.”
Now it was my turn to tear up. I leaned forward to kiss her cheek before I said, “That means more than anything anyone has ever said to me.”