Chapter 1 TONI ROC #2
I kept lookin’ toward Jaksonn’s desk even though I already heard from Mrs. Lattimore that he was fine.
She told the whole class he was at the hospital yesterday and the doctors took care of him, and she said he would be back when they let him out.
Everybody clapped when she said it, but I didn’t clap loud.
I just smiled small because even though he was fine now, I kept seein’ his body shakin’ on the ground, and I kept hearin’ the way everybody screamed.
It was the kind of thing that stayed stuck in your head even when you tried to think about somethin’ else.
I sat down at my desk and played with the zipper on my backpack while everybody else talked about video games and poptarts and whatever else kids usually talked about.
Nobody acted scared or sad no more, and I guess that made sense because kids forget fast, but my mind was still thinkin’ about yesterday.
Even when I looked out the window and saw the janitor pushin’ the trash can across the grass, my head went back to the way I held Jaksonn’s head and told him he was gon’ be okay.
I ain’t know why that memory felt so heavy, but it did.
When the bell rang, Mrs. Lattimore told everybody to quiet down because she had an announcement. She smiled at me in that way grownups smile when they already know somethin’ you don’t, and she told me to come stand up in front of the class.
“Toni, sweetie, come up here,” she said, her voice soft like she was bein’ extra gentle.
My classmates ooooohed like I was in trouble, but when they saw her smilin’, they started whisperin’ instead.
I walked up slow, feelin’ all the eyes on my back.
I stood next to Mrs. Lattimore while I kept my hands behind me because that made me feel less awkward.
She lifted a gold certificate with my name on it.
It had a cheap star sticker in the corner and a printed picture of a trophy, but it looked important now that she was holdin’ it up for the whole class.
“This is a Courage Certificate,” she said. “And I am giving it to Toni Harper because she helped keep Jaksonn safe while she waited for us to get there yesterday. She stayed calm and she stayed with him and she followed her instincts. She was very brave.”
Everybody clapped loud this time. A couple girls even cheered like we was in an assembly. I felt my face get warm, and I didn’t know if I wanted to smile or hide my face in my shirt. I didn’t feel brave. I didn’t feel like I did anything special. I just felt like I had to help him, so I did.
I took the certificate from her and nodded, then went back to my desk and slid it inside my folder because I ain’t want to stare at it. Some kids whispered “good job” when I walked past, and I just shrugged because I didn’t know how to answer.
The mornin’ moved slow after that. We did multiplication that made half the class groan, then we read a story about a lion that couldn’t roar, and then we lined up for lunch.
Everybody ran to the cafeteria like they always did.
I walked behind them, pullin’ at the sleeve of my jacket because the cafeteria always smelled like hot mashed potatoes and wet mop water, and I hated that smell.
At the lunch table, my friend Shalae sat next to me and bumped her shoulder into mine.
“You famous now,” she said, laughin’ before takin’ a bite of her chicken nugget.
“I ain’t famous,” I said. “I ain’t do nothin’ for real.”
“Yes you did. I woulda ran so fast yesterday I mighta broke a shoe.”
I laughed because she probably would have. She was dramatic and scary about everything.
“Did you see it?” she asked, her eyes wide. “Was his mouth foamin’?”
“He wasn’t foamin’,” I said. “He was just shakin’ real bad and I knew somethin’ was wrong.”
Shalae nodded slow like she was tryin’ to picture it. She didn’t joke no more after that. She just ate her nuggets and gave me one of her fries because she knew I liked the crispy ones.
After lunch, recess came again and everybody spilled out onto the yard like we had been locked up all day. The sun was bright and the swings was already full, and somebody was tryin’ to race across the monkey bars even though he had fell last week.
I felt lighter than I did in the mornin’, so when a couple kids asked me to rap again, I started twirlin’ in a circle like I did yesterday.
“My name is Toni and I’m so fly
I eat hot Cheetos and I don’t know why.
When I wake up early I be lookin’ a mess
But I’m still that girl, so I still pass the test.”
One boy fell out laughin’ because I shook my hair at the end like I was in a music video.
Even some kids from another class came over and started snappin’ their fingers like they was my fake backup dancers.
I loved makin’ people laugh, and today it felt good because yesterday everybody was scared, and now it felt normal again.
Recess ended and we lined up for science.
The teacher talked about clouds and weather, and I tried to focus, but my mind kept wandering even though everything was calm.
I thought about Grandma Glo pickin’ me up yesterday and how her hand felt real warm when she held mine.
I thought about Jaksonn and wondered if he was scared at the hospital.
I thought about my mama workin’ both jobs and how tired she looked every mornin’.
By the time school ended, my head felt full.
When I walked out into the afternoon sun, I saw my grandma waitin’ by the fence again.
She had on her church shoes even though she wasn’t comin’ from church, and she kept wringin’ her hands like somethin’ was wrong.
She smiled when she saw me, but it wasn’t her regular smile.
It was the kind that looked like she was tryin’ real hard.
“Come on, baby,” she said as she took my backpack off my shoulder.
We started walkin’ down the sidewalk toward the bus stop.
The air had that hot smell the street get when cars been drivin’ all day, and the trees had lil’ pieces of paper stuck in them from somebody’s flyer.
I kept lookin’ up at her because she felt different.
She was holdin’ my hand too tight, and she kept swallowin’ like she was nervous.
“Grandma, what’s wrong?” I asked.
She paused a moment before answerin’. Her eyes looked wet on the sides like she had been holdin’ somethin’ in all day.
“Baby… your mama got hit by a car this mornin’,” she said, her voice soft and heavy at the same time. “She was on her way to work and the driver didn’t see her. They did everything they could but… she passed away.”
The words hit me like someone pushed all the air out of my stomach at once. My feet stopped movin’ even though my grandma kept gently pullin’ me forward. I didn’t cry. I didn’t make a sound. My ears felt warm and my chest felt slow, like everything inside me was movin’ far away.
“She gone?” I whispered.
My grandma nodded and squeezed my hand tighter.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel.
I didn’t know if I was supposed to scream or fall down or cling to her.
All I knew was somethin’ inside me felt empty, like a door opened and everything important slipped out before I could grab it.
My mama wasn’t perfect. She yelled sometimes and she worked all the time, but she was still my mama, and hearin’ she was gone felt unreal, like someone told me the wrong story.
We kept walkin’ because the buses was comin’, and the world ain’t stop even though my thoughts did. Cars kept passin’ and people kept talkin’, and it felt strange that everything was normal when somethin’ in my world had changed.
When we got to the bus stop, my grandma pulled me closer and rubbed my shoulder.
“I know this hurt, baby,” she said. “But you strong. You always been strong. You got that heale’s spirit in you. You gonna get through this.”
I nodded even though I didn’t know how. The bus pulled up with a loud rumble and we got on. I sat next to her and leaned into her side because her warmth felt like the only thing holdin’ me together.
As the bus rolled down the street, I looked out the window at the houses and stores passin’ by. People was livin’ their regular lives, and it made me feel even smaller, like my sadness didn’t have anywhere to go.
My grandma held my hand the whole ride and kept whisperin’ prayers under her breath. I didn’t understand all the words, but the way she said them made me feel safe.
We got off the first bus and walked down the block to catch the second one. The sun had started fallin’ lower, and the sky looked orange like somebody painted it. My grandma looked down at me and brushed some lint off my jacket.
“You not alone, baby,” she said. “You got me, alright.”
I nodded again and squeezed her hand this time. Her rings pressed against my fingers but the heaviness of them felt comforting.
We walked the rest of the way down the street together, quiet but connected, and even though the day felt confusing and sad, holdin’ her hand made me feel like maybe I wasn’t fallin’ apart inside as much as I thought.
And that’s how we went home, hand in hand, both of us knowin’ life had changed, even if I couldn’t understand it yet…