Chapter 5
ARCHANGEL
Elijah blew his nose quietly in the stillness of the airplane cabin.
He and his brother had a long talk, and they had to be shushed twice by the flight attendants because there were a few tense moments – but they got through it.
They talked, they reminisced… and they cried – both of them.
It was hard to revisit some of your most bitter memories only to realize someone else saw things much differently than you.
It hurt to hear how painful things had been for his brother; some he didn’t even know about because Elijah had never been gifted in school – not like Bode.
There were many times when he stayed after school to study…
and hide. Sports came easy for him, but academics - not so much.
In fact, when he applied to the Air Force Academy, he’d been terrified that he wouldn’t make it in because of his GPA, but he had a glowing recommendation from his senator that clinched the deal.
And now?
Bode was asleep beside him on the flight, mouth wide open and snoring softly from sheer exhaustion.
Elijah chuckled softly, marveling at how some things never changed and other things could blindside you.
Where Elijah was standoffish and silent – something he’d learned out of necessity – Bode was the opposite.
His brother was loud, in your face, brash and confrontational, losing his cool when people touched him – and Elijah knew why.
In a small town, people kept secrets and kept up appearances just so no one knew the dirty secrets that they tried to hide.
His parents should never have had children – and looking back, the school should have said something to the police, but it was in the past now.
‘I’m Sorry’ never healed a bruise or a broken arm…
and it sure didn’t heal the mental scars of someone who hit you, mocked you, or berated you.
Unfortunately for Elijah, he still had to put up with some of that when his parents reached out – usually to complain or gripe about how much they hated their accommodations.
That part just blew his mind.
They’d grown up in a small town with no money.
Looking back, his childhood home had been a shack in the woods.
He felt like a rockstar having three hot meals a day at the academy, fresh clothing, and a bunk that didn’t smell strange, with sheets that felt softer than anything he’d had before.
The academy had been eye-opening – both good and bad.
Your every flaw was amplified, so he had to try even harder to pass his academic classes.
All of your hopes and dreams – well, those were based on performance goals and whether there was a placement available for you.
Life and the academy had no guarantees – and the battles he thought were once over with his acceptance?
Changed.
New rules, new tactics, and a fresh new ‘gameboard’ to conquer…
and while sometimes it just amazed him that he was actually in charge, it was also terrifying.
All those same doubts, fears, and insecurities that he’d learned to bury behind a face in order to keep things from escalating – that ‘skill’ had served him for years… until now.
Chuckling softly as Bode let out a loud snore before whistling slightly, Elijah rolled his eyes and wished he could sleep as easily as his brother.
Looking around the cabin of the dimly lit airplane, he saw several others were sound asleep too.
The dull groan of the engines should have felt at home, almost like a lullaby, but his brain was swerving and weaving into places it had no business even visiting.
Maureen.
He pulled the business card from his breast pocket and stared at it, like it had the answers he was searching for.
There was a crease down the middle where he’d folded it in half and almost threw it away – but something stopped him.
He kept replaying little tidbits in his mind, things that she’d said without hesitation or thought…
and they were things he’d never heard before from anyone.
Your eyes are pretty…
It’s exhausting to hold it all together…
We’re not meant to be loners…
You haven’t found your community yet…
She was right. Within minutes of meeting each other, perfect strangers, this woman had summed up so many truths in the universe and doled out compliments like it was nothing to her.
He was surrounded on base by people, but they weren’t his ‘community’.
He felt very much alone and hadn’t realized how strongly that sensation was until he witnessed the party at Flyboys go on for a little while longer…
and he wanted to have a group of friends like that.
They were laughing, talking, teasing each other – and it wasn’t just a few people.
It was everyone.
He witnessed people flutter from group to group, moving and making their way to be a part of another gathering for a moment or two.
The whole gathering seemed to undulate and come to life.
Everyone knew everybody… except him. He had never felt so lonely or isolated in his life – and the one blip of that radar had been Maureen.
She saw him - the real him – and called him a douche. It took him a moment to realize he’d been insulted because it wasn’t the first time, nor the ten-thousandth time… but when he realized that he was being set up to talk to a woman, a pretty woman at that, and she wasn’t interested?
It was humbling – or maybe he just wasn’t worth knowing after all?
Swallowing back that painful thought, he rubbed his thumb over her name before rolling his eyes at his own foolish thoughts.
He had zero time even to consider reaching out – and shoved the card back into his pocket.
When he got back, he had so many reports to process and files to go through.
There was going to be a meeting with Bradford to get a recap of what happened while he was away and…
He paused, mentally shutting down to control his stress levels, before closing his eyes and willing himself to go to sleep while he could on the remainder of the flight to Kabul.
What would it hurt to say hello?
“I don’t have time for this,” he whispered to himself, answering that little voice in his head as he crossed his arms over his chest and tried to get comfortable in the stiff seat.
Sitting there, willing himself to drift off to sleep, he kept seeing her hazel eyes in that brief moment that she gazed up at him, marveling at the color of his own eyes.
It was something that he’d always regretted because it was the same color as his father’s.
He didn’t want to be anything like him and never wanted another person to ever feel the way he had for so long.
It had wrecked his life, destroyed Bode’s, and no one ever deserved to be treated like that… and somehow, they’d made it out.
And she thought your eyes were pretty…
Sighing once again, Elijah replayed the prior day’s events in his mind repeatedly until he finally drifted off.
Five days later, Elijah was nearly at his breaking point.
The stress was getting to him, and he felt overwhelmed.
There had been a voicemail on his work phone from the nursing home asking him to please call – but because of the time differences, he’d gotten a voicemail when he called back.
His meeting with Bradford hadn’t gone smoothly – at all – and he just ran into Bode literally in the hallway.
“Sir,” Bode saluted, snapping to attention as Elijah waved him off, allowing the other man to relax his stance as he stared at his brother. “Sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going and…”
Bode yawned.
Elijah hesitated, a little taken aback by the sheer exhaustion on his face. There were rings under his eyes; his eyes were dull, and honestly – his uniform was pretty sloppy to observe. If it were anyone else, he would be dressing them down verbally… but this was Bode.
“Are you okay?”
“Can’t sleep,” Bode admitted and then looked like he’d realized what he had admitted to. “I’m fine. I don’t need you or anyone else worrying about me.”
Elijah pointed to his office and then grabbed his brother by the elbow dragging him in there, shutting the door behind them. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?”
“Like my wife and child – and how I don’t want to be here in this hellhole… sir,” Bode finished lamely and then hesitated. “Do I say the ‘sir’ or not. I just don’t want to get my butt reamed if you’re having a bad day. I’ve had enough of that my entire life…”
“Not from me,” Elijah shot back quickly and then saw Bode stumble, moving him to sit in a chair, kneeling before him. “We’ve been back less than a week; when’s the last time you slept?”
“On the plane,” Bode whispered, rubbing his eyes and sagging in the chair. “I got about four hours on Tuesday and…”
“That was two days ago.”
“Yeah, I feel like crap.”
“You look like it too.”
“Gee – thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Elijah replied evenly. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Can’t shut my brain off,” Bode began, yawning once more.
“I’m trying; it’s just not easy when I jerk myself back awake thinking that I can smell Flora’s perfume or imagine that I hear Austin running down the hallway to come play and…
” To Elijah’s horror, his brother made a noise that sounded uncannily close to a sob as he looked away from him.
“Hey…” Elijah began, trying to get his attention. “Hey, you’ve got this and…”
“You know what? I don’t have this,” Bode admitted hoarsely. “I thought I did, but nothing is worth this nightmare. I miss my wife, and it’s taking a toll on me. I can’t think. Salt wouldn’t let me get in a plane this morning, and…”
“I’m glad,” Elijah interrupted, making a mental note to praise the other pilot for making a sound decision after observing Bode’s condition. “You don’t need to be in a jet like this, and I can’t believe you even tried, Bode.”