Chapter 13 #2
You’re a fool, you know that? He thought silently, staring himself down. She’s going to run like the wind the moment she finds out what your family is really like or how you’re responsible for them…
Letting out his breath, he closed his eyes and drew in another deep breath, trying to keep that racing, panicked feeling from rushing to the forefront of his mind. He repeated it, his hands gripping the cool porcelain of her sink as he simply stood there trying to pull himself together.
There would never be any family Christmases.
There would never be a Thanksgiving gathering like you saw in the movies.
Honestly, he wasn’t sure he would qualify for a house because he was paying for the care and boarding for his parents – and that hung over his head like a weight, drowning him in fear.
Bode was the fearless one, the brave one, and always had been, whereas Eli had been the stoic one with a core built from years of needing to protect and care for others no matter the cost.
“Worthless…” he breathed, drawing in another panicked breath and jumping as he felt something touch the middle of his back. His sharp eyes met Maureen’s worried ones as she stared at his reflection in the mirror.
“Not worthless,” she whispered to him encouragingly. “We all have value; it’s just different for each person,” she offered sagely, like she was reading his mind once again. “Deep breath in – and out again.”
“I’m fine.”
“Perfect,” she replied succinctly, and he knew he’d already lost just hearing that tone in her voice. Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes and drew in a breath as she’d told him… and slowly let it out.
“Again,” she instructed him and began gently rubbing circles along his back, down his spine.
Each time he took a breath, she would tell him to do it again – but kept rubbing slow circles along his back, bringing his tension down.
In fact, he wasn’t sure how long they stood there in the doorway of her small bathroom, but he was positive that this was probably the best experience he’d ever had, simply calling himself down. “Are you okay?”
“Yep.”
“Are you okay?” she asked again, stressing softly as she continued making those circles along his back… and he let out a shuddering breath.
“No,” he whispered, admitting the truth. It was hard to lie to someone when they were doing everything in their power to make you feel safe and accepted – and this was such a rare gift that lying to her felt so wrong. “I’m stressed and worried.”
“About?” she prompted softly, not moving as she continued to draw her fingers along his back in those circular motions. Maybe she was making figure eights – he didn’t know and really didn’t care; it just felt so good to be touched without pain, guilt, or anger. “Talk to me…”
“I don’t want you to,” he began, and then hesitated, turning his face slightly to look at her, bracing himself.
“I’m just dealing with a lot, and if I told you, you’d probably run.
” She said nothing and just held his gaze, her warm eyes beckoning him to trust her…
and it was killing him, because he wanted to.
“I’m just not available,” he whispered nervously.
“I’m not as available as I’d want to be – for you. ”
Her hand stopped moving on his back.
“Are you married?” she asked quietly.
“Oh gosh, no,” he started, staring at her in horror.
“Did you think I would actually come here if I were married? I would never cheat on my wife. Respect, honor, and love are central to any family home, and while I never saw that growing up, I would never, ever cheat on the person I vowed to spend my life with,” he promised, his voice hoarse with conviction. “I couldn’t. I wouldn’t…”
Her hand started making those sweet circles on his back again as he closed his eyes and sighed in sheer pleasure at the simple touch. “Gosh, I love that,” he admitted openly, drawing in another deep breath. “It’s so soothing.”
“It’s meant to be,” she replied gently. “So why are you not available? What am I missing? We talked about our pasts – did I miss something?”
“I’m paying for the care of my parents,” he volunteered and braced himself for whatever blowback came. Her fingers still created those soft little circles as he cracked an eye, looking at her.
Her eyes were watching him, open and curious.
“And it’s expensive,” he continued in a hushed voice.
“It takes up a good portion of my paycheck. It’s drained my savings,” he tossed out there, waiting and expecting rejection – only to see her lips begin to curl slightly in that mysterious half-smile that drove him nuts. “It’s a lot of money each month.”
“You mentioned that.”
“They’re not exactly nice people,” he hedged once more so she understood the depth of his problems – and saw her nod as her eyes danced, yet those fingers were still drawing those little swirls on his back, comforting him still.
“I gathered that when you mentioned they’d been kicked out of a few facilities,” she began, and then the circles stopped as he tensed, waiting, only to feel her lace her fingers with his.
“This isn’t the Taj Mahal,” she smirked at him, using her free hand to wave it in the air as if to say, ‘look around you’.
“It took me a long time to learn that if I went to bed full, had a safe place to sleep, and could find happiness in the little moments – then life was grand,” she told him softly.
“Sure, I would love a nicer car, a bigger office, a beautiful home – but you know what?” she whispered to him, lowering her voice as her beautiful eyes held his, like she was about to give him the key to happiness or unveil the secrets of the universe in seconds.
“None of that matters,” she told him, and he started, opening his mouth to argue with her and she stopped him.
“A bigger house means more to clean,” she chuckled.
“A newer car means a big payment. A larger office means a hefty bill – which creates stress,” she stressed softly, her words hanging there between them.
“Stress kills joy. It steals your happiness. It robs you of appreciating the little things, and it’s just not worth it. ”
“But…”
“The bills will always be there,” she whispered, her eyes searching his. “Your parents won’t be – and in my eyes, you are lucky to have them even if they give you conniption fits.”
They stood there, staring at each other, as her words sank into him – and he realized she was right…
again. She had a small house, an older car, worked for herself – but she was alone.
She had no family. His perspective was so askew, so far off, because it had been drilled into him that he was a failure.
Nothing was ever good enough, but he couldn’t give up; he couldn’t stop trying – and Maureen was standing here, telling him to dial it back a notch so he could stop and smell the roses that bloomed long ago.
“No one is perfect,” she stressed softly. “If you are looking for perfect, it’s a very lonely journey that will never end for you, Eli – but if you can settle for slightly imperfect, then you might find you’re surrounded by people who want to get to know you… the real you.”
“Maureen,” he whispered, his voice aching.
“People like me,” she interrupted, her eyes searching his. “Eli, I’m not perfect in the slightest… but I’m standing here, waiting for you, and we’ve got pie waiting – plus my favorite Disney movie that I cannot believe you’ve not experienced yet.”
A laugh escaped him at how ornery she could be – and how wonderful it was.
“Do you ever stop being right all the time?” he asked softly, giving her a shy smile as she tugged him forward, urging him out of the bathroom.
“Heck no,” she chuckled as they shared a smile. “I was born to tell you I’m right - and you’re wrong.”
It was so out there, so very ‘Maureen’, that he couldn’t help but laugh once more, noting that this crazy woman had made him smile and laugh more than anyone else had in years, maybe ever.
While he didn’t think he was the right guy or that he was ready for any of whatever this was – she was undoing every snarl that his brain invented in the simplest of ways… tying his heart into knots.
“Thank goodness,” he breathed, moving to join her on the couch as she winked at him and pressed play on the remote.