Eighteen #2
“You’re so guarded, Elliot. Contracts. Attorneys. Shelves full of unopened toys. Where do all these trust issues come from?”
“Are you talking about your deal with Steve? It’s poor practice not to protect a business agreement with a signed—”
She growled and covered her face. “Did you make a contract with Asher when you started your company?”
“Eventually, yes. It isn’t an uncommon practice. I know you’ve worked with Steve before, but this is your livelihood. You’d be tying yourself to the success of someone else’s company. Things could go wrong.”
“I know that. But today I was excited. This is a new adventure for me, but when I told you, all you could do is worry. I know it might not work out perfectly, Elliot, but I’m okay with getting a little dirty in the process. You have to break some eggs to make a cake. Sometimes risks are fun.”
“And sometimes being proactive is safest.”
He wasn’t making the connection. This was more than business. This was the way he approached everything—including her. He needed to let go.
She walked up to him and kissed him hard. His hands caught her waist as she drove her tongue into his mouth, pulling his jacket down his shoulders and reaching for his belt.
His fingers closed around hers and he broke the kiss. “What are you doing?”
“Let’s be messy. Show me your reckless side.”
He stepped back. “I don’t understand what’s happening. We were talking about your studio and now you’re taking off my clothes.”
Her gaze dropped to his belt. He wasn’t aroused. As she looked back at his face she realized he was irritated and embarrassment spiked in a way she wasn’t used to with other men.
“I’m sorry. I… I don’t know what I was trying to do.” She was begging for him to let her in.
“Are we in an argument?”
Feeling rejected and confused by his restraint, she put more space between them. “No.”
“Then what is this, Nadia? I don’t understand why you’re picking a fight.”
“I’m not picking a fight.” The truth was, she was scared.
Elliot was smarter than her and she enjoyed his intellect, but sometimes she felt two steps behind, with no hand reaching to help her catch up.
And here she was making a fool of herself, throwing herself at him in her underwear when he only wanted to talk.
Maybe he had a point. Perhaps she was too reckless. If she behaved as cautiously as Elliot, she wouldn’t have half the problems she had with men, money, and life in general.
She’d based so much of her future on the short conversation with Steve today only to have Elliot spot every possible pitfall in a matter of seconds.
She was burying her head in the sand about her family’s financial situation at home, while he was making phone calls across the world to solve her problems. She had nowhere to live and a boyfriend whose house was so immaculate even his playthings were put away on shelves.
What if it was only a matter of time before he realized she was too damaged to fit neatly in his orderly life?
Maybe he’d grow tired of identifying all the ways her life was a mess…
her family, her finances, her history. While she loved being with him, it was starting to feel like a privilege she might not deserve.
And his recent preoccupation with her ongoing dilemmas seemed to be building additional space between them when she just wanted him to hold her and play with her, be intimate and close to her. Maybe her mother was right…
“I’m sorry. I… I think I’m just tired.” Glancing down at her exposed body, she flushed. She stepped back and wondered if she’d always question if she was good enough, would always come to the uncomfortable conclusion that she wasn’t.
Brow tight, he frowned at her but said nothing. She felt exposed and embarrassed the longer he studied her like a problem he couldn’t solve.
She was humiliating herself. “I think I’ll go to bed now. Forget what I said. You take care of things. More people should be as cautious as you.”
She turned, scooped up her discarded clothes, and took the stairs, only wanting to escape her unstable life and the blinding perfection beaming from his. He took the steps behind her and once she reached the landing, he caught her hand.
“Are you mad about my collection?”
She worried that was the only way he knew how to enjoy life, by conserving the things he loved so nothing bad ever happened.
He was always saying how beautiful she was, but what if that was all he liked about her?
She didn’t want to sit on a shelf. But the closer they became the less intimacy they shared.
She wanted him to play with her, muss her clothes and show his spontaneous side. But what if he didn’t have a spontaneous side?
Elliot didn’t appear to make mistakes. He was too meticulous and, sooner or later, he’d learn parts of her weren’t so pretty. Some parts were beyond repair.
“I’m not angry. We’re just different.”
“But…” His eyes flashed with worry. “What are you saying, that we’re too different?”
“No. I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone like you, Elliot. It’s intimidating.”
“What is?”
“You.”
He took a step back and laughed without humor. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds coming from you?”
“I’m not being ridiculous. Look at your home, your life.” She waved a hand, encompassing all the immaculate beauty that surrounded him. “I don’t know where I fit in.”
“I see.” His hands returned to his pockets.
She didn’t want to insult him. “I just wish you would open up with me so I can understand you better. I want to understand you, Elliot.”
He looked at the floor. “I spent a lot of my life not knowing where I fit in. You asked about my collections… They’re more than toys to me. You can’t just go to the store and acquire those items. Some took years of searching. It’s something that kept me busy when I had nothing better to do.”
“But you have so many.”
His gaze shifted to hers. “I had a lot of free time on my hands.”
“Didn’t you do things with friends? Go to parties or hang out?”
His cheek twitched as his eyes shielded. “No, Nadia. I collected toys. I never went to parties and I didn’t date. The highlight of my social calendar has been Comic Con for the last decade. I’m not going to stand here and be judged for something that doesn’t harm anyone and I find enjoyable.”
She drew back. There was a difference between judging someone and trying to understand them. “Now you are angry.”
Accusation flashed in his eyes. “What do you want from me? This is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been. I don’t judge you for the things you like.”
“I’m not judging you!”
“Yes, you are. You don’t understand the hobby so you see it as a juvenile pastime.”
“Elliot, that’s not how I see it. It’s clearly important to you. The only reason I brought it up was because seeing all those unopened items scared me.”
“Why should they scare you?”
She looked at him, wishing for a moment he could see that she had insecurities too. “I worry that’s the only way you know how to treat things that are important to you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with taking care of my possessions.”
“You’re right. But I don’t like feeling like one. If you put me on a shelf, I won’t stay there. I’m your girlfriend. I want you to play with me. Show me I’m wanted and you have more to give me than business advice. Otherwise, I feel meaningless.”
The color washed from his features as he blinked at her. “I… I don’t see you as my possession.”
“Then what do you see me as?” She took his hand and pressed it to her chest where her heart pounded. She knew she was putting it all out there but felt if she didn’t do it now, the distance between them would only grow until they could no longer reach each other.
“I’m as human as you are, Elliot. I like to feel you next to me. My skin hungers for contact and I want to be touched. When I kiss you and you push me away, I don’t know how to interpret that.”
His brow pinched as he blinked at her. “I didn’t realize… Damn it, Nadia, if you think I don’t want you, you’re crazy. I can barely breathe for wanting you. But I’m trying to be a gentleman. I’m not going to just ravish you like some caveman every time we’re together.”
“Why not? If that’s what you want, then do it. Maybe I want you to.”
His Adam’s apple shifted as he swallowed, drawing her attention to his perfectly knotted tie. “I don’t like craving things outside of my control. When people rely on others too much they end up disappointed, because a sense of entitlement takes over, but eventually ... people change their minds.”
“I see.”
“You have to understand that this isn’t normal for me.
You’re the first woman to ever look at me like I’m worth anything—me, not my home or my assets.
I’ve never gotten anything I wanted in this world without analyzing every possible outcome.
And no matter which way I look at it, the probability of a woman like you falling for a man like me doesn’t add up.
The minute I lose my head, stop playing it safe, something will shift.
I want you too much to get distracted and mess this up. ”
“Mess this up? Elliot, the only way we can ruin this is if we ignore our chemistry. Come at me with everything you’ve got. I want you to.”
He didn’t say anything, his eyes telling her how little he believed her. What could have happened to this man to make him so distrusting of others?
“You don’t believe me.”
He glanced away. “Women like you don’t—”