Twenty-Eight
“Did Superman really want to save the world, or did he just feel like he had to?”
~Gerard Way
His hair was a mess and he was in wrinkled jeans and a plain white T-shirt. His jaw wore a shadow of stubble and his lips parted when he spotted her.
Her entire body trembled as she held his stare. His brow creased and he briefly glanced away and shut the door. When he looked back to her, he said, “You’re dressed up.”
She should have known her clothing wouldn’t escape his observant nature. It was her turn to look away.
“Elliot, I messed up.” Her eyes flooded with more tears and she smudged them away, her hands wearing more mascara than her eyes. “I didn’t know what to do and—”
“Hey, hey, hey…” He was suddenly in front of her, on his knees, lifting her face and looking into her eyes. “Don’t cry. We can fix this.”
She wasn’t even sure how they were broken. “What did I do?”
His eyes closed behind the lenses of his glasses and he swallowed. “You didn’t do anything, Nadia. I did this. And I swear, if you give me another chance, I’ll fix it.”
He wanted another chance. His messages had said as much, which was why she waited for him, but she needed to hear the words from his mouth, see the promise in his eyes. Now that she had, her relief released a jolt of adrenaline and she started to tremble.
“Why did you shut me out, Elliot? I begged for you to let me in and you left me there—alone like a fool.”
“No, Nadia.” He pulled her into his arms, pressing his face to her neck and holding her tight. “I’m the fool. I’m an idiot, paralyzed by imperfection and terrified of damaging the irreplaceable.”
She choked on a gasp. “No one is perfect. Especially me!”
“Not your imperfections, baby. Mine. I’m not good enough for you, but I want to be.
” He drew back and looked into her eyes.
“The biggest obstacle in my life has always been me. I set such high standards that when the time comes to try something new, if I’m not sure I can succeed, I balk and back down.
I pass so many opportunities up because I’m afraid I’ll screw up and let someone down.
I only feel confident when I’m in complete control and see a clear cut path to success. ”
“No one expects you to be perfect all the time, Elliot.”
“I know. But I wanted to be perfect for you.”
Her throat tightened as she swallowed back the lump that had been choking her all day.
“Maybe you’re perfect for me just the way you are.
I know you’re stubborn and you think stars are nothing but rocks when I want them to be wishes, but you’re still incredibly sweet and caring.
You’re gentle and kind. And there’s so much that makes you different from everyone else.
I just want to be a part of that. I want to know all of you, and I want you to know all of me. I never want us to hurt each other.”
“I never want to hurt you either, but I did hurt you and knowing that I did the one thing I hoped to avoid...” His jaw ticked. “It’s turning me inside out.”
He had hurt her and there was no pretending these last twenty-four hours hadn’t happened. She needed to understand his reasoning if they were going to get past this. “Why did you shut me out?”
He leaned his back against the wall and she scooted beside him. His knees drew up and he draped his arms over his legs. He looked straight ahead, unconsciously picking at a fingernail.
“When my dad got sick I paid the best doctors in the country to examine him. He had the best treatments available and every time my mother cried I promised he’d be okay.
I gave her my word I’d get him through it.
But I couldn’t. I offered more money and was willing to try anything.
But in the end, my dad said it was enough and refused any more help.
He told me to be there for my mom … because he was ready to die. ”
“Oh, Elliot.” She rested her head on his shoulder and looped her arms around his. “Some things can’t be fixed. It’s not your fault. You did everything you could.”
“I know. I’m not an irrational man and science is the one thing that makes sense to me—science and numbers.
But … my heart…” His brow creased and his gaze swung away.
When he looked back to her, stark grief showed in his eyes.
“I didn’t want to lose him. I wasn’t ready to give up fighting for him, but I couldn’t force him to stay in the battle. ”
Hearing the strain in his voice, she shifted to her knees and caught his face in her hands. Tears shimmered in his eyes and he blinked them away.
“I’m so sorry you lost him. I wish I could have been there for you during that time. I’m sure your father appreciated everything you did for him to the very end.” Her lips brushed his. “You honored his last wish, Elliot. Do you know how noble that is?”
He nodded, his lashes now hiding his eyes.
“But it still felt like failure, only worse, because it was heartache. It’s hard for me to cope with loss.
That’s why I preferred to be alone. I always hoped I’d find someone.
But after losing my dad…” His hand rubbed over his chest as if an old ache still pained him there.
“It hurt so much. I felt like part of myself died with him, and yet, I knew my mom hurt even more. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing someone you woke up next to every day for over thirty years.
I never wanted to love anything that much. Never wanted to be that vulnerable.”
Her heart cinched as his words sliced through all her tender hopes and emotions. She understood his fear but also didn’t know where that left her or their relationship. She loosened her hold. “I see.” As she pulled away he caught her hand.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore, Nadia.”
“You don’t?” Her heart fell into an erratic rhythm, unsure where this was leading. She needed to be more to him than mere company.
“No. I can’t lose you because I love you, and the thought of living without you for even a day is more than I can bear.”
She sucked in a long breath. “You love me?”
He nodded. “Falling in love wasn’t something I planned or calculated. That night I ran into you was purely accidental. I had no intention of intruding on your situation, but when I saw you were upset…”
“You wanted to save me.”
His brow pinched. “I just wanted to make it better for you. I didn’t like the way that man spoke to you.”
“Elliot, you did make it better. You are always making situations better. But that’s not why I love you.”
“Why then?”
She wasn’t sure, only that she did. “I suppose I love the curiosity in your eyes, the way you analyze everything. I love the way you know every word in the English language. I love that you can do magic and that you’re always so patient with me when I try something new.
I love that you hate jeans but will wear them for me. ”
“They’re not so bad once they’re broken in.”
She glanced at his disheveled appearance. “You look very hot right now, all wrinkled and messy.”
His smile was strained. “I should have told you how I felt. The truth is I’ve felt this way for a long time, but I didn’t want to scare you.”
“You could never scare me, not when it comes to this. Knowing you share my love and that I’m not crazy and alone in feeling this way… It’s a relief. I almost did something drastic, but changed my mind because I want to be the woman you love, Elliot. I want that more than anything else.”
“You’re the only woman I’ve ever felt this way about.” He touched the strap of her dress, his brow creasing. “Where were you tonight?”
“Everywhere I shouldn’t have been. My life is a mess and I’m afraid if I tell you how messy, you’ll run away screaming.”
“I can handle it.”
“Are you sure?”
He was finally opening up and she didn’t want to spoil it.
He nodded. “Realizing everything I had to lose made me stronger. I can handle it, Nadia. For us, I can handle anything.”
Her lips formed a thin line and her brow pinched as she met his stare.
“I can’t seem to straighten my life out.
I had to get rid of my studio and now I don’t know if the deal is going to go through with Steve on the new property.
You were right. We should have made a contract before I made any changes, but I didn’t listen.
I just assumed everything would work out and now things are worse off than before.
” She forced out a harsh breath. “You’re afraid of failure and I feel failure is the only thing I do right. ”
“That’s not true. Why won’t you let me help you, Nadia? I want to see you succeed. That’s all I’m trying to do in terms of your business—just help.”
“Because I’m prideful and stubborn, but now I think I’m ready to wave my little white flag and admit defeat.”
“You’re not defeated. You just need a little guidance. You have the bones of a practical business. You just need to beef up your practices a little. When more experienced people offer guidance, it’s good sense to at least hear them out.”
“Says the man who refuses to accept failure.”
“I’m working on that and you can work on this. We both need to learn to depend on others a little bit more than we do.”
“But I don’t want our relationship to change into a business one.”
“Nadia, you’re the first girl I brought into my home.
The first woman I’ve let into my life. The first person I’ve ever opened up to this much.
Trust me when I say I want to do more than business with you.
Besides, this is your business. I just want to help you achieve everything you’ve dreamed of doing with the company. Let me help you.”
“You’re very charming when you want to be.”
“It’s a gift reserved solely for you.” He kissed her lips, “It would help me a lot if we could start looking at things in the long term.”
“How long?”
He laced his fingers with hers. “Forever works for me. I love you. Now that I’ve admitted it, I see no sense in playing down my emotions. I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“I love you, too.” And losing him wasn’t an option. Nothing made sense without him. “I think you’re a drug to me.”
“I feel the same about you. It’s…”
“Intense,” she supplied.
“Very.” He let out a breath. “But I’d rather have that intensity than nothing at all. The other night I freaked out. I have no basis of comparison, and I was embarrassed by my actions. I saw tears in your eyes and… I never want to hurt you. I lost control of the situation and—”
“Sometimes losing control in the heat of passion is a good thing, Elliot. I told you I was fine. You make me lose control all the time. I hunger for it.”
“You do?”
“Yes! It’s freeing and exhilarating.” It wasn’t like they were the first couple to do something a little rough. “I think next time we watch a movie, I’ll pick it.”
“A foreign film?”
“Sure, we can find one with foreign actors if you like. I want to broaden your horizons. I think you will thank me.”
“Okay.” His expression quickly returned to a more serious one. “Do you forgive me?”
All humor faded with her smile. “Don’t ever shut me out like that again. I love you, Elliot. And while I like to play rough, my heart is breakable. I’m trusting you with it.”
He swallowed and nodded his understanding. “You can trust me with it.”
She believed she could. If anything, Elliot knew how to take care of the things he valued. Her hand slid into his, their fingers lacing once more. “Then I forgive you.”
He kissed her, soft at first and then hungry. Relief flooded her when he pulled away and her chest felt as if a weight had been lifted.
“Will you take me to bed, now?”
He stood and helped her off the floor. “My pleasure.”
Together, they walked up the stairs, leaving the past behind and stepping into their future. There were no guarantees, and it was scary tying her heart to someone else’s, but for them, it was right. For them, it was beautifully messy, intensely addicting love. And they wanted all of it.