Chapter Twenty-Three #2
He pulls away from me with a gasp. I grab the back of his head, hungry to bring him back to me, to kiss him until we are nothing but bodies, pulsing sensations, but he resists.
I open my eyes. In the darkness, I search his face.
His mouth is set in a grim line. He has that look in his eyes, like he’s asking me a question.
What would happen if we let go?
“Why—” I start, in a breathy whisper, but he just shakes his head. He doesn’t want to kiss me when no one is watching. It’s not part of our deal.
“Cleo, can you just stick your foot out and curl your toes for me?” Teddy’s voice shatters the moment. Kei gives me a sad smile as I pull the duvet up to expose my foot.
“Beautiful. Okay, I’ve got what I need. Have a fun night, you two,” Teddy says, chuckling as he lowers himself down the ladder.
Kei pulls back the blanket, and the rush of cool air makes me shiver.
“So,” I say, biting my lip.
“So,” Kei says, fiddling with a tag on the blanket.
“What should we do now?”
Kei laughs, but he doesn’t smile. “This place is really only made for two things—sleeping, and—” He trails off.
And the one thing we won’t be doing.
“Right,” I say.
We sit in silence for a long moment. “Maybe we could go for a walk?” Kei says, standing. “I could use some fresh air.”
“Okay,” I say, grabbing the wool throw blanket from the foot of the bed and draping it over my shoulders. “Lead the way.”
It’s a warm night, but we huddle together under the blanket anyway.
I hold Kei’s arm as he leads me down the dark path, my feet searching the ground with each step into the darkness.
This path is narrower and more overgrown than the one that leads to the beach.
The moon is shining between the trees, and suddenly we’re out of the woods.
“The lake!” I exclaim. Looking down the beach I can see our fire pit, and the wooden pillars with the cameras affixed. The rocky shore is awash in a purple glow, and the light of the moon glints off the lazy waves of the lake. It’s beautiful.
“This is the path the guys took to the camp on the first day,” Kei tells me. “Wait here, I’m going to go steal some wood from the fire pit so we can make our own fire.”
I stretch the blanket out over the rocks and lower myself onto it. I squint into the blackness across the lake to see the other side—real life—but it’s too far away in the darkness.
Kei returns, dumping an armload of wood onto the rocks. I help him set up a little teepee, and he lights it using the candle. He sits on the blanket, close enough to touch, but not quite touching.
“So, is Alessandra okay with all of this?” I regret saying it as soon as it comes out of my mouth.
He frowns. “Okay with what?”
“This,” I say, gesturing back and forth between us. “I’m not sure I’d be cool with my boyfriend pretending to fall for someone else on national TV, so I was just wondering…” I trail off.
“I’m not her boyfriend?”
“Whatever—her friend with benefits, whatever you want to call it.”
He shakes his head. “I told you, it hasn’t been like that for months.”
“Yeah, but now that you’re back together.”
“We’re not back together,” he says quickly. “I chose you, remember?”
Why is he looking at me like I’m speaking a different language? “I just thought you’d be getting back together, since you’re still in love with her, and she’s obviously still in love with you.”
Kei chokes on his sip of Prosecco. “I’m not still in love with her,” he says, looking wounded. “Why would you think that?”
“Because you told me as much!”
He shakes his head. “No. I told you it was a bad breakup, and that I needed closure.”
“Yes, exactly,” I say, feeling the frustration rising in my chest.
“So that doesn’t mean I’m in love with her,” he says, sounding equally frustrated.
“What?” I say, my voice weak.
“I needed closure,” he says, prodding the fire with a stick. “I needed to tell her how badly she hurt me. I needed her to understand, and apologize, and she did. I’m not saying I’m one hundred percent over it, but I know for sure now that I’m not in love with her.”
My confusion gives way to excitement—Kei is not in love with Alessandra!—but then I come back to reality, and the reality is that it changes nothing. Maybe he’s not in love with Alessandra, but he’s still just pretending with me.
Which is good. Which is better.
“Right, that makes sense,” I say, breezily, in an attempt to smooth out the sharp edges of this conversation. “I just thought—”
“And she’s not in love with me, either,” Kei says, chuckling. “She told me she only came on the show to increase her social media following.” He gives me a wry smile and a little shrug.
“She was here for the Wrong Reasons!” I say, dropping my jaw as if I’m scandalized.
“I respect her hustle, to be honest.” The tension of the previous moment is gone, and that warmth that was buzzing between us has returned. “So, tell me something,” he says, nudging a log onto its side. “How can it be that you’re single? I don’t get it.”
I laugh. “Why, ’cause I’m such a catch?”
He turns, dropping his chin to meet my eye. “Well, yeah.”
I hug my knees into my chest. “No one wants to get involved in the mess of my life, trust me.”
“No one wants to? Or you won’t let anyone?”
I give him a sidelong look. “I won’t let anyone because I know they won’t want to.”
Kei drops the stick and twists his torso to fully face me. “Don’t you think you should leave that to them to decide?”
My shoulders rise. “It’s easier to make the decision than to have it made for me.”
“Because it hurts less,” Kei says. It’s not a question.
“I guess so.” I swallow. I’ve never given this fear words before.
“What can be so bad?” Kei says, leaning into me. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I hope you know you can trust me.”
I lean my head on his shoulder. Aside from my mom and Cori, I haven’t told anyone what Dylan did to me. I’m too ashamed. And sometimes it’s so heavy, like a stone threatening to pull me under.
And I’m tired of carrying it alone.
Maybe this arrangement with Kei actually gives me the freedom to be totally honest. I don’t expect anything from him, so maybe it’s my opportunity to lighten my load.
Without thinking, I start talking. And then, I tell him everything.