Chapter 30
Kellen
My palms feel like I dipped them in warm water right before I came into my brother’s office, so I wipe them along the front of my pant legs to dry them.
I’m as nervous as a seventh grader on his first date.
Then again, I have good reason to be worried.
I might have to break the news I’m a father to Salem, and what happens then I imagine will be my worst nightmare come true.
Matthias walks in and sits down at his desk. He looks like a normal person should. Calm, cool, collected. I look like I’m about to fall apart into a puddle of pure anxiety.
“Did you have a good night last night?” he asks, knowing I didn’t.
“Well, since I slept at your house because I’m avoiding Salem, I’m pretty sure the answer to that would be a resounding no. I did enjoy Eleanor’s cooking me my favorite pancakes for breakfast, though, so if that turns out to be my last meal, at least I have that.”
My attempt at a joke makes him laugh. “Your last meal? Why? Do you think Salem is going to kill you if the news is you’re the father to that little boy?
I never took her for a homicidal woman. I’d guess she’d more than likely simply never speak to you again instead of bashing your head in or pushing you off the balcony at the penthouse. ”
None of this is helping. Why do brothers have to be such assholes when you need them to be goddamned understanding?
“Maybe I plan to kill myself. Ever think of that?” I snap back at him.
He waves off that possibility without another thought. “No. It’s not your style, Kellen. You don’t turn inward. You turn outward and lash out at others when something bothers you. Anyway, I don’t think you should get yourself worked up over this yet. We have to hear what Greene has to say.”
“It’s nice to know you aren’t worried I might off myself.”
“Relax. Think of it this way. The worst that can happen today is Greene tells you you’re absolutely this child’s father. It’s not the end of the world. You pay child support and do the right thing. That’s it.”
My brother has a way of making things seem easy when they’re not. That’s it. Nice.
“That’s not it, asshole. I have to figure out if I want a relationship with him, and then after that, I have to tell Salem that I have a kid. She doesn’t want kids, so how do you think that’s going to go?”
He doesn’t need to answer that question. I know how it will go. Not fucking well.
His office phone rings, jarring me out of my misery for a moment to replace it with utter terror. “Hey, Greene, let me put you on speaker since I have Kellen sitting here with me.”
A second later, the PI’s voice comes through loud and clear. “Hey, guys. How are you doing this morning?”
I close my eyes as Matthias answers, “I’m great, but Kellen looks like he’s about to faint dead away. What news do you have for us? I was surprised you messaged me last night to say you wanted to talk today. I didn’t think you’d find out so fast.”
Every word out of my brother’s mouth makes me hate him. It’s like I want to never hear what Greene has to say but Matthias is dragging his feet with all this fucking small talk, and I hate it.
“Well, this wasn’t exactly hard, to be honest. I just had to pull a few strings on that girl’s life, and it all unraveled pretty quickly. So, you ready to hear what I found out, Kellen?”
Greene sounds strangely amused this morning, which only makes what I’m going through worse. I swallow hard and nod before answering, “Sure.”
“Well, first off, her last name was Martin. Amelia, that is. She gave birth to Elias Martin on January twelfth four years ago at White Plains hospital, and on the birth certificate, you’re listed as the father.”
My stomach drops, and the last thing I see before closing my eyes again is Matthias’s shocked expression. I don’t know why the hell he looks so surprised. It’s not like there was zero chance we’d hear I’m the father today.
Green continues. “Elias Martin lived with his mother only for those four years until she was killed in that train accident. Odd thing that. I guess trains wreck all the time, but I can’t remember the last time I heard about one in the news.
But I digress. Emily Martin has been the guardian of little Elias since his mother’s untimely death, but here’s the interesting thing.
That little boy is a very wealthy little guy.
The Martin family has a lot of money, and the five million dollar trust that Amelia had from her parents transferred to her son upon her death.
Emily herself is worth much more because unlike her sister, she invested most of her inheritance.
The number I found was something like twenty-five million.
So I’m not thinking she approached you over money. ”
“Well, that’s good, right?” Matthias asks me, but I merely shrug.
So what if they don’t want money? I’m still the father of a four-year-old boy, and that news is going to mean the woman I adore will leave me.
“Thanks, Greene. Look for the transfer today. Send me the report when you can. I appreciate you putting a rush on this. I’ll be sure the payment reflects that,” Matthias says all businesslike while I sit there feeling like my world has crashed down around me.
Greene thanks him, and a moment later, it’s just Matthias and me in his office saying nothing. What else is there to say? I’m the kid’s father.
“I think you should ask for a paternity test before you accept responsibility, Kellen. People can put whatever they want on birth certificates. Science will give us the definitive answer.”
With a sigh, I stand up, nodding. “Whatever. I’m sure the test will say the same thing as Amelia put on the birth certificate.”
“Where are you going?” he asks as I make my way toward the door to leave.
I look back and shrug. “I don’t know. I think today is going to have to be a mental health day, you know?”
He says something, but I don’t hear him. I’m too lost in my own head.
For five long days, I’ve waited for the results of the paternity test, and now that I have them in my hand, I can’t put off telling Salem any longer. I’m the father of Elias. It’s right there in black and white courtesy of modern science.
To say that the past five days have been torture would be an understatement.
I think I knew I was his father as soon as Greene told Matthias and me about my name being on the birth certificate.
Amelia was a decent person, and knowing she had money of her own made it even less likely she put me on there when I wasn’t the father.
I shift in my chair at the kitchen table in the penthouse I share with Salem before looking at the little guy’s picture again that Emily sent me.
I should have done that first before the blood test. I wouldn’t have needed science to tell me what my eyes can clearly see.
The kid is the spitting image of me. It’s like nature took me and made a smaller version of me.
There’s some of her in his face, though, too. He has my eyes, but I see her in the way he smiles. I don’t really remember much about her, but her smile still sticks in my mind. It was sweet and a little devilish, and that’s how Elias looks in the picture.
Then again, from what I remember, I was a little devil as a kid, so maybe that’s another checkmark in the Kellen column. It doesn’t matter what he looks like. He’s mine, and the only thing to do is step up to do the right thing.
Emily and I talked about what that may be, and I know she doesn’t want him to come live with me. I don’t know how I feel about that. Before the test showed I’m his father, I thought I’d be okay with him staying with her, but now I’m not so sure.
I don’t know why I’m thinking that could ever work.
Either it’s going to be just the two of us living together since Salem will leave me when she finds out, which won’t be good for the kid since I work ridiculously long hours, or if for some reason Salem doesn’t walk out without another word to me, I can’t imagine she’s going to want to raise some other woman’s child.
What a mess I’ve made of things.
My phone goes dark, and I tap the screen again to bring the picture back up. He really is a cute kid. Then again, how could he not be?
I hear the door open and Salem’s heels tapping off the floor as she walks into the house. Quickly, I stuff my phone into my pocket and stand up. I feel sick, like I’m going to puke from the mixture of fear and stress coursing through my body right now.
“Kellen, are you here?” she calls out.
“In the kitchen,” I say, my voice shaking.
It’s zero hour. Time to face the music.
When she walks in, she looks more beautiful than ever before. That’s probably because I’m sure this is one of the last moments she’s going to be in my life.
“Did you eat? I’m starving,” she says as she sits down at the table. “What do you think we should get?”
My hands begin to shake as I sit down across from her. I have to tell her. I just don’t know how I’m going to say it.
I clear my throat and force myself to smile. “I’m not sure. Hey, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Me first,” she says, her eyes wide with excitement.
Happy to put off what I have to say, I nod. “Okay. You first.”
She reaches over to touch my hand. “I wanted to tell you I might have been wrong about marriage. It still frightens the hell out of me, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with this new client.
It’s so weird. Her marriage has totally imploded, but she’s still a huge fan of it.
Well, not with her current husband, but she actually told me she’s looking forward to dating and meeting someone she can marry someday.
At first, it sounded like crazy talk, but the more she and I discussed her plans, I get what she was saying about marriage.
I’m saying all of this to basically tell you if you still want to talk about getting married, I’m not against it anymore. ”
Fucking lovely. Salem actually wants to marry me now, and I have to tell her about a kid. She’s finally come around on marriage, and now I have to blow up everything by announcing I’m a father of another woman’s child.
I blow the air out of my lungs and pull my phone out. Tapping the screen, I bring up the picture of Elias and ease my phone across the table to her without a word. I still don’t know how to tell her this.
She looks at the picture and smiles at me. “Is this you? You were so cute as a little boy! How old were you when this was taken?”
Suddenly, my mouth feels as dry as a desert. Licking my lips, I say, “That’s not me. That’s a boy named Elias.”
I’m making this worse by not just coming right out and saying what I have to say, but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t want to lose her, but if I do, at least I had a few more seconds with Salem.
“Really? He looks just like you. Is he a relative or something?” she asks so innocently that she makes me feel like a fraud.
I touch her hand and wrap my fingers around her forefinger. “No. He’s mine. I found out today.”
All the color drains from her face, but she doesn’t pull away. Not yet, at least. She simply looks down at the picture again and then up at me.
“Yours? How old is he, Kellen?”
I know exactly what she’s thinking, so I quickly explain, “He’s four.
He was born on January twelfth four years ago.
I was with a woman named Amelia a few weeks before I met you.
That’s when he was conceived. I never saw her again after we stopped seeing each other.
Her sister Emily called me last week to tell me Amelia died and she has guardianship of him.
I guess Amelia never wanted me to know about Elias, but Emily thought I had a right to since I’m his father. ”
Those last words come out of my mouth, and I wish I could take them back.
I’m his father. Salem never signed up for this.
She made it clear she doesn’t want kids.
I never found out exactly why, but that doesn’t matter.
She never misled me about that, and now here I sit in front of her talking about having a child.
“His father?”
Her words sound strange, like it’s not her saying them. They feel far away and quiet.
“Yeah. I don’t know what to say, Salem. I know you don’t want kids.
You have every right to be furious with me, but I need you to know one thing.
I never cheated on you. Elias happened because of something from before you and I ever met.
I’m sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel about this.
I’ve dreaded telling you because I know your feelings on kids.
What’s worse is I had to tell you this after you just said you weren’t hating the idea of marriage. ”
I really do have a way of fucking up everything, don’t I?
She’s quiet for a long time before she says, “I don’t know what to think about this. I’m going to need some time to figure out how I feel.”
Desperate to show her I can be Elias’s father and it won’t have to affect her at all, I say, “His aunt wants him to say with her, and I can do that. I can be in his life without you having to do a thing. I’m not saying this is your responsibility.
I know it’s entirely mine. We don’t have to break up because of this. I can make sure this isn’t a problem.”
I’m surprised when she smiles at me. “That’s not how it works with children, Kellen. It’s not fair to this little boy for you to be more concerned about me than you are about him. He’s your son. He should be in your life, assuming you want him to be. Do you?”
“Yeah, I think so. It feels like the right thing to do. He’s already lost his mom. He deserves to know he has a father.”
“Then how I feel isn’t a priority.”
I immediately sense she’s slipping away, so I say, “You’re always a priority, Salem. I love you. You’re the reason I’m where I am today. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I’d be lost without you.”
She stands from the table and leans down to kiss me on the cheek. “I love you too, Kellen. I just need some time.”
Any man who’s ever heard a woman say she needs time knows that’s never a good thing. Time doesn’t make things better. It just makes everything worse.
I’m going to lose her, and I have no one but myself to blame.