CHAPTER 11
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T hin Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town” blasted from across the room. The chorus repeated three times before stopping and starting again. “Arg...” Beckett muttered as he flopped back over and tried to go back to sleep.
His whole body ached, but especially his hand. As he nestled back into his pillow, he got a mouthful of hair. Coughing, he opened his eyes to find a dream come true. Mallory was there, her hair a mess after a night in their pillow fort. He carefully tucked a lock of hair behind her ear before the damn song started again.
Beckett cursed the day he let Evan change his ringtone, and he made himself a promise to return the favor the next time he saw his buddy. As carefully as he could, he slid off the couch and hobbled over to his phone.
“Hey, Lawless,” Beckett yawned into the phone.
“Foxy, finally!” Evan’s voice boomed. “I’m at your apartment. Let me in.”
Beside him, Mallory slept on the couch, her cheek smooshed against a pillow. A tiny snore escaped and his heart clenched. “Give me a sec,” he said, pulling free and shuffling into the kitchen.
His ankle felt better. The swelling was down and he could put weight on it without yelping in pain. His hand was another matter, itchy under the dressings and providing a dull ache anytime he moved it.
“Dude, are you alive? The place is dark.”
When Beckett was finally out of earshot, he told Evan the truth, or as much of it as he would over the phone. “I’m not there.”
“Huh? Where are you?”
Beckett stalked to the pantry for the bag of coffee beans and started his morning ritual. “I’m at the farm house. I was doing some work over the weekend and thought I’d stay.” He wouldn’t mention his injuries now, mostly because they weren’t that bad. And he had a special helper who would ensure they didn’t get worse.
“You should have said something. I could have come out to help.”
Beckett snorted. “Judging from your texts, you’ve been a little busy. Congratulations, Lawless. I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks, man. I had this whole elaborate thing planned, but then I got caught up in the moment. CeCe and I were alone at the diner, and she was making a batch of cheesy bites and I thought it was perfect.”
Beckett filled the carafe with water and clicked the machine on, eager for a caffeine fix to match his friend’s buoyant mood. “Sounds perfect for you two.”
“It was,” Evan replied, the sound of his footfalls coming through the line. “You want me to come out to help this morning? I’m not due to the diner until dinner and don’t have any contracts this week.”
Any other time, Beckett would love to have Evan by his side for some chores, especially now in his current state. But Mallory was here, clad in his old college hoodie and a look of pure satisfaction. There would be a lot to explain, and he wasn’t ready yet.
Their time since his accident had been magical, pretty much perfect. While he knew he needed to tell his friend, he was still afraid. Being up in Gramps’s room, feeling that surge of loneliness, still clung to him, a shadow he couldn’t shake free. There was a chance that Evan would hate him for dating his sister, would go into protective brother mode and shove aside a lifetime of friendship.
On one hand, Beckett wanted that for Mallory—demanded it really. She deserved to have people in her corner protecting her from life’s assholes. Unfortunately, right now he felt like one of those assholes.
Mallory deserved a man who would shout their love from the highest rooftop, would tell everyone who asked who loved her and would sing her praises. Yet here he stood, hunching down and whispering into his phone like he was having a torrid affair.
“Thanks, but I’m okay.”
“I don’t mind,” Evan countered, oblivious to his friend’s inner turmoil.
“I know, but the place is a mess and I’ve got it. I’ll pull you in when it’s time to go through the old shed.”
Evan chuckled, the familiar sound bolstering Beckett’s decision to stay mum. “Deal, but only if you buy the chili cheese fries.”
Beckett gripped the back of his neck, centering himself so he didn’t think about their night in the house. He could still feel Mallory in his arms, still taste her on his lips. The last thing he needed was to get turned on while talking to his best friend. “Sure thing, Lawless.”
For a few moments, they discussed mundane topics, nothing that would show his hand or his feelings for Mallory. After a moment, Evan asked, “Have you heard from Mal at all? It’s not like her to miss breakfast at the diner on weekends, and no one has seen her.”
“I’m sure she’s fine. Probably had a hot date.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. Evan would reach out to Mallory pronto for answers, especially since he liked to get the gossip first. He may tease his sisters for their love of celebrity trash news, but he was also chomping at the bit for details when anyone had something exciting happening in their lives.
“Hot date? I don’t think Mal’s had a date since that loser last year.”
While he figured Mallory wasn’t locked up in a tower somewhere waiting on his return to her life, it felt like a sucker punch to learn she’d been out with other men. Worse, to be out with subpar men that didn’t treat her right.
“What loser? The married one?”
Evan scoffed. “Naw, another douche bag. I can’t remember his name, but he was a liar. Tried to sell her a bill of goods before she did some Googling and discovered he was hardly the golden boy he put on his dating profile.”
“Jesus, I hope you kicked his ass.”
“Tried to,” Evan said with a chuckle, “but Mal told me to back off, that she can fight her own battles.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Beckett replied, and he meant it.
“We need to find you guys good people. It kills me that my two favorite people are so unlucky in love.”
You don’t know the half of it, Beckett wanted to scream. “Yeah, I guess.”
Evan wasn’t done with his argument. A man so clearly in love he wanted to share the joy with everyone. Any other time Beckett would enjoy it, but now it felt as cloying as a peanut butter sandwich without milk. “No, I mean it. We need to find you someone, Foxy. You’re a catch, and I’m sure there’s a girl who will treat you right.”
“Yeah,” Beckett sighed.
“Now that the cat’s out of the bag, let me check with CeCe. She’s got some single friends out there.” He paused a moment and added, “Well, not in town but out in the world.”
Repeating their familiar dating conversation before coffee knocked the wind from Beckett’s sails. “Lawless, don’t worry about it.”
“You say that, but I hate to see you by yourself.” Evan’s words were like a shove to the chest, and he knew his friend didn’t know how true his words really were.
“I’m not alone.”
“I thought you weren’t seeing anyone?” Evan persisted; his normal golden retriever personality morphed into a German shepherd on the case.
“No, I’m not seeing anyone. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking. When I’m ready to start dating, you’ll be the first person I tell. Okay?”
“Fine, I’ll drop it for now. But you need to bring a date to the wedding festivities. CeCe and I want a short engagement, so chop chop, Foxy.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Beckett disconnected and tossed the phone onto the table. It landed with a sad thud, but he didn’t care.
Just as he pulled himself to his feet, he caught the reflection of Mallory in the kitchen window. The happy, rosy demeanor from the night before was replaced with an ashen expression. “Not seeing anyone?” she asked, hands balled into fists at her sides.
Beckett blanched, feeling caught in a trap like a hunted rabbit. “Mal, come on. What was I supposed to say?”
“How about the truth?”
“What? ‘Sorry Lawless, your sister’s been here nursing me back to health. I hope you don’t mind us fooling around behind your back for the last decade.”
Mallory’s gaze fell to the floor. “That’s all this is to you, a little fooling around?”
“What? No, look, you didn’t hear me right.” He was blowing this, and somehow worse than he ever had before. “I just mean that I’m not going to break the news to Evan over the phone. I need to come up with a plan.”
Mallory tossed her hands in the air and groaned. “We, Beckett. We should tell him together. There doesn’t need to be a grand plan. Why does this need to be so complicated?”
“Because I don’t want to lose my best friend, okay?”
Stumbling back, Mallory gripped the edge of the counter to steady herself. He took a step toward her, but she shook her head. “Don’t touch me,” she warned, and Beckett froze.
“Mal, I—”
“No, I’m done.”
White-hot fear surged through Beckett as bile crept up his throat. The last time he’d felt this level of panic was their last day in the orchard, and he wasn’t sure he could survive it twice. He forced himself to ask the question he didn’t want to ask. “Done with what?”
“With this,” she said on a sigh. It was a tired sigh, the sigh of a woman who’d been passed through the wringer one too many times. He hated that he’d been the man to make her this tired. “I’m going to go.” She spun on her heels and ran upstairs. He heard the bathroom door shut before he’d made it to the base of the stairs.
Just as he started the climb on his good foot, she appeared in her rumpled scrubs. Her blue eyes shone with tears and her chin trembled.
“Mal, please wait.”
His request was obviously the wrong one, as she pushed past him to the living room. She grabbed her purse and phone and shook her head. “I’m done waiting, Beckett. I’m done being your dirty secret when you have nothing better to do. I literally cannot take this anymore.”
“I just need a little more time,” he pleaded, running to her as fast as his ankle would allow. Pain shot up his leg, but Beckett didn’t care. All that mattered at that moment was getting Mallory to stay, to hear him out.
“More time for what?” she countered.
“To—” but he didn’t have the words. Any explanation sounded lame in his head, and he knew Mallory deserved it all. But how could he explain that he’d lost everyone he ever loved? If he came out about their relationship to Evan and it went badly, he’d have no one left. Mallory would never cut her brother out of her life, and Beckett wouldn’t ask her to.
“You know what I think?” she asked, not bothering to wait for his reply. “I think you need to decide whose heart you’re going to break. You seem to think you can’t have it all, that I’m not worth the risk of your friendship with Evan. And if that is the truth”—her voice caught, breaking his heart all over again—“then tell me. I cannot do this yo-yo routine anymore, Beckett. I can’t keep waiting for you to decide I’m worth the risk.”
She yanked the front door open and squeezed her eyes shut. “Make sure you check your bandages twice a day, and take your meds with food.” She shook her head and didn’t meet his gaze before bounding down the stairs. Only then did she remember her car was at the hospital and she froze. “Let me drive you,” he offered, trying to get to her before she ran away.
“I’ll get an Uber,” she said over her shoulder, taking the steps two-at-a-time and gaining distance between them.
“Don’t be ridiculous, let me help.”
Finally, Mallory spun around and caught his gaze. Even through his smudged glasses, he saw the pain in her expression. Yet again, he was breaking her heart. God, he hated himself.
“Do not follow me. If I have to walk back to Buckeye Falls, I will.”
At that moment, Beckett had no doubt. “Mal, I promise I’ll—”
“Your promises don’t mean anything to me anymore,” she said, turning away and stomping down the gravel driveway, her rumpled braid bouncing off her back. He watched her until she was out of sight, barely a dot on the horizon.
Beckett decided to listen to her request, not following her as she stormed off like a bad dream. After twenty minutes, he plodded back into the house. His appetite gone, he pulled himself up to the bathroom and took a long hot shower. Only when he was out and dressed did he see his hoodie folded neatly at the foot of Gramps’s bed.
Picking it up, he sniffed the fabric and felt Mallory’s warmth, smelled her blackberry scent. “Jesus,” he muttered, sliding to the floor in a heap. “I made a mess of it, Gramps,” he said to the empty room.
Beckett didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t keep yanking Mallory around like this, but he also didn’t want to end up completely alone. Could it really be as simple as Mallory made it sound? Could he tell Evan the truth and the three of them move on like nothing was different?
He wasn’t ready to gamble his entire future on a boyhood crush, on a fantasy made in the orchards fifteen years ago. The trouble was, as Beckett clutched the hoodie to his chest, he feared he already had. Mallory was gone, and he had no one to blame but himself. He needed to make this right, but he wasn’t sure he knew how to. Gramps would be so disappointed in him.