Chapter 21
Sharing the intimacy we did during the basketball championships didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.
There was an unspoken tension between us, though, and watching him and Seb together still revved my engine.
Between Nick being gone and all the time I’ve focused on Jake, I’m unsure whether we can return to what we had.
When I look at E, I see a friend, but distance and distraction have turned off more serious feelings.
Today I want to see if they can reignite.
E arrives right on time for our outing. I hug my dad goodbye and then grab my wallet and phone. My tracker is still in my locket despite all the time that's passed. I may always wear it.
E dressed up for the occasion, wearing a short sleeve dress shirt and linen pants. Luckily, I did as well. I chose capris and a sleeveless blouse, with my hair in a high ponytail, since today is supposed to be sunny and warm.
E helps me into his truck and then climbs into his seat, rubbing his palms on his pants. Looking closer, I can tell he’s nervous. “Relax, E. No pressure, okay? We’re just going to talk and enjoy some beautiful blooms.”
“I’ll try.” His smile is tight as he pulls out of the driveway.
It takes approximately 30 minutes to reach the conservatory from my house.
This is my first visit, while E has been many times.
E pulls into a large gravel lot with a glass-domed structure in front of us.
Azaleas, bursting with bold colors, light up the backdrop of green grass and trees.
Hopping down, my loafers crunch on the grey pebbles underfoot. E leads me up the few grey stone steps, his hand hovering near my lower back, and into the main structure. I hand our passes to the ticket booth operator, and she gives us a map of the gardens.
Stepping into the center of the room, I stop to look at the map. This building has a glass dome, offices, and washrooms, and the gardens sprawl over many acres behind it. There's a specific rhododendron and azalea garden off to the left that we’ll need to stop at.
We walk through the glass dome to the start of our path.
I thought it was a greenhouse when we drove up, but it's just a fancy room that's rented out for parties and weddings, and there are several greenhouses near the back of the gardens.
We begin by walking towards the azaleas.
After all, they're why E purchased me the tickets.
Sand and white colored stones crunch underfoot as we walk, and the pathways are immaculate.
My first thought is always how heavily they use pesticides when I see well manicured gardens. Regardless, you cannot deny the beauty.
E is quiet as we walk, with me stopping to read various information plaques about the plants on display.
There is no mistaking the spring garden when we arrive.
It’s a riot of bold colors, astounding to behold planted all together like this.
I obviously saw many azaleas in the area last year, but this display is spectacular, and I’m reaching for my phone instantly to take pictures.
E is patient as I snap dozens of pictures.
“This is wonderful, E. Thank you for the tickets.”
“You’re welcome. I knew you’d enjoy this.
” Smiling up at him, I stop, sucking in a breath at his beauty.
The sun is hitting him just right, illuminating his golden skin and hair with a soft glow while the shade envelops his back.
Raising my phone, I snap several pictures in quick succession.
E, with a small smile on his face, tilts his head in question.
“Sorry. The light was perfect.” I show him the pics of himself.
E smiles down at me. “I can see what you mean,” he shrugs, cheeks dusting pink.
“You’re beautiful, E. You could be a model.” His cheeks turn pomegranate as I turn to continue walking through the garden, knowing he embarrasses easily. My gentle giant. Hmm, “my.”
After dozens of pictures, we step onto another pebbled trail where there’s a wagon selling cold drinks. E buys us each a lemonade as we take a seat on a wooden bench under a shade tree. “I’d like to talk, if that won’t ruin our day?” E asks, shifting to face me.
“It won’t E. I wanted to talk too. You go first.” I pat his knee as I swing my body towards his.
“As you know, I’ve been in therapy for several months now.
It took me a few weeks to find someone I liked, but once I did, things flowed.
Her name is Selene, and she’s very caring and kind.
She’s a mom, soon to be a grandmother, actually.
Anyway,” he waves his hand, “she’s helped me figure out why I made the choices I have and to realize the impact it had on the people around me.
“I understand now my fear and focus on the inheritance created blinders. I was in a bubble, unable to truly process what was happening. She said it’s akin to a deer in headlights.
I may have appeared to be participating in my life, but my mind was frozen.
It was an extreme response to fear. A trauma.
“Although she hasn’t had many people try to walk away from fortunes, she's had a few young people from southern money trying to figure out how to cope with family expectations.
“I couldn’t see what my actions were doing to you and Seb.
He and I've talked a lot about this, and he forgives me, but I understand you and I are in a different place, in a unique relationship. I want you to know how truly sorry I am for both hurting and disappointing you. Despite having no interest in any of those girls, I allowed myself to be manipulated, and that hurt you. I’m ashamed I let another girl into my personal space, although I assure you we did not hug, kiss or do anything else.
“The further you both got from me, the deeper my fear grew and the less I was functioning. I couldn’t form enough thoughts to figure out how to stop all the bad things from happening, and it felt like I was drowning.
It felt like a maze with no exit. That may sound strange to you, but I genuinely couldn’t think.
Simply confronting my grandparents was beyond my capabilities at the time.
I knew what you were telling me on some level, but I wasn’t processing the words. Everything was a jumble.
“I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour, just explain it.” E reaches over, grasping my hand, genuine remorse flickering through his eyes.
“I never considered you were having a trauma response.” The idea makes sense now that he’s explained it, but at the time, it didn’t register.
Trauma is such a complicated thing. It can make people react in all kinds of different ways, usually unpredictable.
I have sympathy for him enduring that, but I also wouldn’t change our breakup.
It does, however, allow me to see things in a new light.
E wasn’t ignoring us or choosing money over us.
He simply couldn’t function. “So, the choice was never your inheritance over us?” I ask, needing the reassurance.
“No never. I swear,” E emphatically answers. “You and Seb were always my endgame. I walked away and chose you. My mind just took too long to process. The engagement triggered something inside me, and my mind fired again, thank god. Is there any chance left for us, Summer?”
I take my time sorting through my thoughts and feelings, playing with E’s fingers and sipping my lemonade.
When I look up at E, the sun chooses that moment to break out from behind a floating, fluffy white cloud, creating a halo effect around him from behind.
A golden god. My golden god. “I need to talk to Jake about you, Seb, and Nick first, but I would like to try again.”
A smile as bright as the sun sweeps across E’s face. He pulls me into a hug, resting his face against my neck. Listening to him talk today cracked the stone walls my feelings for him were hiding behind. After all, who understands trauma better than me?
After a kiss on my forehead, E and I continue our exploration of the many gardens.
We spend several hours ambling through the trails; me stopping for pictures whenever I see a pretty bloom.
We’re both lighter, both smiling as we make our way back to his truck.
“Let’s come back in the summer and explore more E. ”
“It’s a date, Summer.” E lifts my hand, placing the gentlest of kisses on the back, then drives us to a greasy little hole in the wall for lunch.
I’m happy and settled when E drops me off back home.
As I’m visiting with Jake in the afternoon, I update him on all the college news.
He’s decided to use the tutor Alex found and will begin 11th grade at the end of June.
Both Will and his physiotherapist expect him to be mobile and independent by then.
He still plans on finishing the entire year this summer and then move on to 12th grade in the fall, and all of us have offered to help with labs and homework.
Jake has never lacked determination; it was just always focused on sports instead of school.
Now, though, with his second chance at life, he doesn’t want to fall too far behind the rest of us.
Architecture is still an option, but he said he might change his mind.
Whatever he chooses, I’ll be right by his side.
A text from Alex reminds me of the meeting scheduled for tomorrow with Markus.
He and Alex have done most of the work for this year’s MMA tournament because I was busy with Jake.
It’s important for me to continue with the tournament though, especially with Nick gone.
It feels like we’re honoring him. They decided to keep it outdoors, renting a park with facilities for the two days, and have arranged almost everything.
We’re just checking to make sure we haven’t missed anything in planning the event.
I help Jake walk onto the patio so he can get some sun. He’s watching a movie on his tablet while I complete homework. Just two best friends hanging out. Oh, how I cherish it after going so long without our serene silence.
Seb calls that night, over the moon about me and E. I remind him I need to talk to Jake, but he’s too happy to worry about 'that little talk' as he puts it. He’s been so amazing, carrying on two separate relationships, but he wants us together again.