7 Salt & Garland
My heart is in my throat. My body jerks upright in the dark, breath sawing in and out like I just surfaced from deep water too fast.
I tap my phone, squinting at the brightness. It’s almost three a.m. I think about going back to sleep.
The sound of his body hitting the ground.
His cough.
The last breath leaving his lips.
I press my hand against my chest, rubbing my sternum like I can get rid of the pain that lingers.
I swing my legs over the side of my bed, the cold floor grounding me in the present. I pad over and grab Tex’s hoodie, pulling it over my head. The one he left here and never came back for. It still smells faintly like clean laundry and him.
Closing my eyes, I let my lungs fill with the lingering scent.
I can’t let it fade.
Grabbing my phone and shoving it in my pocket, I head out the door. The halls are empty, but I know where all the cameras are. I slink through the halls in the shadows.
I remember running into him that night for recon. A small smile grows on my face, reminiscing about that rooftop. I didn’t even realize it yet, but looking back at it now…
I stop outside the men’s locker room, pressing my hand to the door. Taking a steadying breath, I push inside. The lights click on, detecting movement. I move to the wall, switching the big overhead lights off. Only leaving on the occasional light.
I move down the aisles until I find where I know the guys are. He’s the third from the end. My steps slow. The Guild hasn’t cleared it yet. His nameplate is still there
TEX WARD
Simple. Black engraving on brushed steel. I run my fingers over his name. I pull the door open and lower myself onto the bench, the hinges creak.
His gloves hang from a hook, knuckles scuffed and cracked from use.
A spare black tee is folded on his shelf. Along with his deodorant and a bottle of cologne.
Versace Eau Fra?che.
I remember complimenting him one day. Tex shared that it was the most expensive thing he could bring himself to buy. I teased him.
“Don’t lump me in with those fancy fucks. The guy said girls go feral over this shit. Worked on you.” he winks at me with a smile.
Fancy fuck.
Combat boots shoved to the side, laces half-tucked. An insulated water bottle with a dent in the metal, covered in stickers.
The door has more stickers with small silver magnets holding up photographs and papers. Photos of Tex with Jace, Luca, and Noah. Younger versions of them. I smile, tracing over their faces.
My eyes catch on a smaller photo. Carefully, I remove the magnet and hold it up. The edges are worn, the color faded.
A little girl with braids and a gap-toothed grin sits on Tex’s shoulders. He looks so young, lighter. Almost shy in the way he’s smiling.
Ellie.
My chest caves in and the tears fall. I press the picture to my chest. And my head falls back, staring at the ceiling.
The nightmare flashes again.
‘Tex being held, the gunshot, my name on his lips.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into the dark. “I should’ve—”
My words catch and I shake my head, gasping for air as a sob rips through me.
There were a hundred things I should’ve done.
We should’ve never split up. Moved faster.
Shot first, before Daniel could open his stupid mouth.
I move and take his cologne, spritzing the sleeve of the hoodie.
Inhaling his familiar scent. Clean and woody.
“You idiot,” the words come out on an exhale. But it’s not anger. “You were supposed to make it.”
I fold forward, forearms bracing against my knees as the tears drop to the concrete. I don’t know how to move forward. How to be happy.
“I’m trying, Tex.” I sniff, lifting my head.
I just sit. In front of his name, the life he left behind. The space that will never be filled.
I let myself miss him.
I take the photo of him and Ellie and his cologne. I’ll buy another bottle and leave his used one on my dresser, the last one he touched.
Bringing the sleeve back up to my nose, I stop in front of Maeve’s door. I don’t want to wake her up. But I’m trying to let the people who love me help.
My knuckles thump against the wood. A few seconds and the door swings open. Maeve’s blonde and red curls are chaotic, one eye squinting from the light.
“Hey,” she yawns, one hand covering her mouth. “Bad dreams?”
“You mean there’s good ones?” I ask, stepping inside while she moves aside.
Maeve’s room is smaller than mine, no couches or kitchenette. But I’m still grateful for Lucian pulling some strings so she can have a single room.
I head to her bed, pulling off the hoodie and carefully draping it over her desk chair. When I crawl in beside her, Maeve is watching me with a look.
“Where’d you go tonight?” She pulls her comforter over her shoulder.
“Tex’s Guild locker.” I lean back against her headboard. “I just…wanted to be close to him.”
Maeve hums. “Any epiphanies?”
A wet laugh bubbles out, the tears pooling again. “Just that I miss him.”
Her hand finds mine and squeezes tight. “I know. But I don’t believe anyone is truly gone forever. They’re just watching from a different plane. I didn’t know him, but from what you’d told me, he wouldn’t have left you in this one if he had the choice.”
The tears roll down my cheeks and I swipe them away.
“Noah told me that he’d want me to be happy. But I don’t know how to be happy. All I feel is…rage. Sometimes it’s so much I feel like I can’t breathe.”
She shifts, so she’s sitting up beside me, back against the headboard, our shoulders barely touching. “Good.”
My head whips to her.”Good?”
She nods.”Rage means you care. You’re alive. The opposite of rage isn’t happiness. It’s acceptance.”
I swallow hard as her words stir the dust. “I feel like it’s eating me.”
“It will, if you don’t give it somewhere to go.”
A comfortable silence settles between us. Moonlight spills from the window, the leaves rustling against the glass.
“I don’t want it to turn me into something cruel,” I admit.
“Then don’t.”
“You make it sound so simple.” I laugh.
“No,” Maeve agrees. “It isn’t. But anger is fuel. You decide how to use it.”
I close my eyes, my chest still feels tight, but not like it’s collapsing in on itself.
“I keep thinking,” I whisper. “If I had just let Jace shoot Daniel when he first showed his face. If I had just moved faster. If I had—”
“Stop.” Her voice is firm, my eyes snap open.
“There was nothing you could’ve done that day.”
“But you weren’t there, you don’t under—”
“I know I’m not a Guild member and I don’t know anything but I do know this.
You didn’t expect Daniel. He had this whole thing planned out and sadly you all walked into it.
There is nothing you could’ve done differently or else you would have.
Do not rewrite it to punish yourself. That’s not loyalty.
You think you’re honoring him by suffering.
You’re not. You honor him by surviving.”
I sigh, knowing she’s right. She usually is. “I don’t know how to be happy.” My voice is small.
Maeve exhales slowly. “I’m not sure anyone does. It’s not a switch you can turn on and off. It’s not something you owe anyone. It’s just something that happens."
She nudges me. “You’ll laugh again. You'll feel happiness again. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll feel guilty for it.” A knowing look. “Do it anyway.”
A shaky breath escapes me. “And the rage?”
“Use it as fuel, store what you can to unleash on Daniel one of these days. Not recklessly. But make sure he pays for all the hell he’s given you.”
When my dad said he wanted a beach day in December, I thought he’d lost his mind.
“You live in California now,” Lucian chuckles. “People still go to the beach in December.”
The sky is clear, the sun warm but not harsh. A breeze rolls in from the water, carrying salt to my nose.
Lucian and I set up an umbrella and lay out our towels. I go for a swim while he stays with our things, stretched out on the sand, just soaking up the sun. The water is colder than I expected, but refreshing. It wakes every nerve in my body.
By the time I make it back to shore, my limbs feel loose and heavy. I collapse onto my towel, the damp fabric of my swimsuit clinging to my skin. The sun immediately starts warming the cold water still dripping from my hair.
It’s a strange kind of balance. Cool skin. Warm air.
Nice.
“It’s a beautiful day.” He says.
I shove my sunglasses over my eyes and tilt my face, like a sunflower stretching towards the sun. Letting the rays soak into my skin.
“It is. Are you going to go for a swim? I can stay and watch the stuff.”
“I’ll wait a little bit.” He glances over at me, smiling.
“I’m trying to enjoy every moment I get to spend with you.
Especially now that you’re no longer an initiate.
I know I was hard on you at first, dropping you in the middle of everything going on at Blackmoore.
I just didn’t want to be accused of nepotism when I knew how strong you were.
I wanted all of them to see exactly what I see in you. ”
I huff a dry laugh.
“I think it’s pretty obvious I didn’t gain any favor just because you’re my dad. The total opposite. It just put a huge target on my back.”
“Not everyone in the Guild sees it that way.” He shrugs. “It might have seemed like it, but it was a struggle, to not step in and help.”
His gaze drifts back out to the ocean. “As your father, every instinct I have says to protect you, to fix it. But I also knew you needed to find your own footing.”
“Surviving is my strong suit.” The corner of my mouth twitches.
Lucian turns to me, giving me a warm, almost proud smile. “I wish you’d never had to learn that skill, but it made you resilient. It shaped the woman you’re becoming.”
I stare out at the waves rolling toward the shore. Soft and lazy. Somehow a force but calming. Neither of us speaks, just watching the water. Then Lucian adjusts slightly.
“You know, I still remember that night. The last time I saw you.”
I turn my head toward him.
“I had to work late.” He continues. “So, by the time I came to tuck you in that night, you were already in bed. Fast asleep.”