Chapter 12
TWELVE
SILAS
TEN YEARS OLD
The only lights in the living room were from the gold flames dancing in the fireplace and the twinkling Christmas lights on the tree.
That’s the way Silas’s momma liked it.
Cozy.
He felt that way right then. His stomach full of a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows, his momma singing with her pretty voice as she put the last ornaments on the tree.
He sat on the couch with a big book on his lap, and his sister Elena was on her knees at his side, babbling and pointing at the pictures as he read. “I see Santa! Santa come?”
“Santa’s definitely gonna come,” he told her, excitement blustering up in his stomach the same way as the snow blustered outside.
He and his sister were both dressed in their pajamas. Elena’s a full body pink suit that had feet and zipped all the way from bottom to top, and his had long pants and a long-sleeved shirt with baseballs all over it.
Their baby brother was already asleep in his crib.
“But we gotta be extra good so we don’t get on the naughty list.”
Silas figured it was his job to help his momma teach her about all the important things in life.
The tiniest giggles rolled out of Elena, her chubby cheeks denting with her dimples that looked like the same ones their momma had. “I not naughty.”
Their momma danced over to them with her big smile.
Their momma softly poked Elena’s belly. “Are you sure my little Lena-Lou isn’t on the naughty list?”
She shook her head like crazy, her messy brown hair whipping around her face. “I am good, Momma!”
Silas grinned, warmth covering him whole.
“You are such a good girl, aren’t you, my angel?” their mother cooed before she turned that cooing on him. “And my big, strong Silas who is turning into such a good man.”
She set her palm on his cheek.
That’s what he wanted to be.
Good.
Sometimes he got into trouble at school because he talked a lot, but his momma told him that didn’t make him bad.
“Mom,” he drew out, fighting the red on his cheeks.
“What? I’m just stating the truth, and my baby is getting so big and kind and thoughtful that sometimes it makes my heart ache because I’m so proud of him.”
His chest stretched full.
“Because we’ve got love inside,” he told her.
Her laugh was a tinkle. “And he’s smart, too.”
“Only because you told me it five million times.” He shook his head with a roll of his eyes like he was annoyed.
Chuckling, she ran her fingers through his hair. “Just because I always want you to remember. No matter what.”
She knelt in front of him and set her hand on his chest. “Because we have to remember to always love with everything we have, even when it scares us.”
“I will,” he promised.
Her smile was soft. “It’s your heart.”
Silas noticed that her attention darted to the big clock over the fireplace again. She’d done it the whole night when she didn’t think he was watching, the hours ticking by and his dad’s plate still sitting on the table.
He’d been home a lot lately, and it was better when he was because then his momma didn’t seem so upset, and the worst thing in Silas’s life was when his momma got sad.
He could see that sadness clouding at the very edges of her eyes, making tiny wrinkles, even though she forced it back.
“All right, you two. It’s time for bed.”
“I not tired.” Elena always said that and then fell asleep in five seconds flat. But Silas really wasn’t tired. He wanted to stay up and keep his momma company so she wasn’t alone.
But when she told him to get up and brush his teeth, he did, helping his little sister, too. Telling her to open wide as she stood on her tippy toes on the stool next to him as he helped her brush her tiny teeth.
She gurgled and giggled and grinned, and he helped her wipe her mouth when they finished, then took her hand and led her to her crib that sat in the corner across from his bed.
Their momma swept Elena up, peppered her face with kisses, then tucked her under her covers.
He’d already crawled into his bed when she turned around, her smile so soft as she looked at him. She knelt at his side, ran her hands through his hair the way she always did, murmured, “My big helper. Thank you.”
“I can do everything you need, Mom.”
“I know you can, but you’re supposed to have fun too.” It sounded like a tease mixed up with something bad.
He almost rolled his eyes. He always had a lot of fun, and he had a ton of Little League games and practices. Besides, his momma always made everything a game, even if it was work.
“You don’t gotta worry, Mom.”
“I always worry about you.”
“How come?”
She played with his bangs. “Because it’s natural to worry about someone when we love them so much.”
He guessed he worried about her, too.
Worried so much when a long time later the front door came banging open.
He could almost hear the shift in the mood.
That sadness he was talking about curling through the air.
So quiet but it still blared in his ears.
He heard his momma’s voice break. “You promised.”
His daddy scoffed. “You gonna start nagging me the second I walk through the door?”
“You’re drunk.”
The voices swam down the hall from the kitchen.
“Well, aren’t you sharp. You want an award?”
“I want a husband who doesn’t tell me lies.”
Mean laughter floated all around.
Silas’s stomach felt sick.
“Guess you picked the wrong guy, then.”
“I guess I did.” His momma sounded like she was giving up on something important.
A loud crack echoed against the walls, and his momma quietly cried out. Silas was on his feet and racing to the end of the hall, halting in the doorway to the kitchen.
His dad stood over his mom, who was on her knees, holding her face, and the sickness in Silas’s stomach crawled up his throat.
His heart pounded so fast. So fast. Like it didn’t know how to stay behind his ribs and was going to bust all the way out. The way it did whenever his dad got home and was mad like this.
“You want to talk to me like that again?”
His dad’s clothes were dirty. His hair sticking up and he smelled disgusting. It made Silas want to throw up.
His momma lifted her face to him. It was streaked with tears.
Something hot and ugly curled inside Silas. Like fiery ropes that twisted through his guts and made him want to do bad things.
His momma slowly rose to her feet, her shoulders sagging but her chin tipped up. “I know you spent that money. I saw the bank account. It’s gone, isn’t it? The deposit and first and last month’s rent for the new house?”
His dad scuffed a garbled sound. “Don’t you worry about that.”
A huff of disappointment shot from her. “Don’t worry about it? Worrying about it is all I do. I’m the only one who worries about anything. About whether the kids have food or a roof over their heads. You clearly don’t care.”
“Always dramatic. Beggin’ for a fight.”
She choked a strangled sound. “So this is my fault?”
“If you weren’t such a greedy bitch, things would be just fine.”
“Just go. Leave the way you always do. But this time, don’t come back. I’ll figure this out on my own.” Her voice was too soft, and he was worried his dad wouldn’t know she meant it.
But Silas was sure that she did.
He could feel it like a thunderbolt in his chest.
Like one of those storms that sometimes shook the walls and made it feel like the whole house would come tumbling down.
Fear and something else careened through him when his dad suddenly grabbed his momma by the hair. She yelped when he yanked it back. “You really think you’re gonna get rid of me? You ain’t ever gonna be rid of me. Think it’s time you learned that lesson.”
He started to drag her by the hair, and all the ugly burned through Silas like he’d burst into a fire. He screeched as he went running toward his dad, his arms outstretched, and he pushed into his side with all his might.
“Let her go!” he screamed, and he hit and banged his fists against his side.
His momma gasped a horrified sound, trying to curl her voice into a demand, but it sounded more like she was begging. “Silas, go back to bed.”
But he couldn’t move.
He was too mad. He knew he wasn’t supposed to hate, but he hated him. He hated him so bad that he wished he was dead.
So he told him.
“I wish you were dead.”
His dad laughed as he smacked him across the side of the head, the strike knocking him onto his butt.
He blinked, fighting the tears from the clattering of pain that rocked through him. He wasn’t a baby and he was gonna prove it.
“PJ!” his momma shouted, and his dad released the hold he had on her hair, making her stumble forward.
Silas didn’t even care that his dad turned and towered over him like a beast, putting all his attention on him.
Just as long as he forgot about his momma.
His dad leaned over him, and Silas wanted to throw up again. Something thick like poison coming off his breath.
“Ah, just like your dad, aren’t you? Mean little fucker.”
Silas wanted to scream. Or maybe spit in his face. Tell him to take it back.
“I’m not like you.”
His dad chuckled a sound that rolled through Silas like he was giving him a punishment. “Look in the mirror, kid. You’re me, through and through. My blood is strong. Might as well accept it. You’re always gonna be who you are.”
He patted Silas on the cheek with a big meaty palm. Hard enough to make his head rattle.
His momma surged to his dad’s side, and she tugged at his arm. “Come on, honey, don’t worry about him. I was just mad you were late for dinner. Let me make it up to you.”
Her whole body shook out of control as she led him away, urging him to sit at the little table in the corner. “Here, let me warm this up for you.”
She took the plate and turned around. She fumbled and stared at Silas for one long beat.
And he knew right then he’d never forget the sad look on her face.