37. Nova
Sometimes life has a real shitty way of making you feel like a failure.
Alaska was a bust. Finding Reid was a bust.
I showed up on the dock and thought it was divine intervention when I saw the Stargazer in port. Reid’s ship . . . like he was there because he knew I would be coming to find him.
I’ve really got to listen to my head more. My heart is going to get me killed.
When I asked the crew, they just told me he left a day before I got there.
A fucking day.
No one knew why or where he was going. Just that he left.
Coming home to the island empty handed . . . I can feel everyone staring at me, even if most people aren’t out. It’s cold here—nowhere near as cold as Alaska, but the wind coming off the Atlantic cuts through your clothing, slicing down to bone.
It’s snowed. Judging by the thick piling in front of the inn, a lot.
I pause at the front sidewalk, staring at the old building.
Reid really did do a good job cleaning the place up. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still so much work to do, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning when I think of the list.
Sophie was right. Gran can’t handle the cold. If Reid hadn’t fixed the furnace, we’d be popsicles.
I realized somewhere along the way on all my connecting flights to Alaska that it’s okay to admit defeat. It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes, I really can’t do it all and I’m failing the people I love most by trying.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but one I accept because, well, I’ve spent enough time being unhappy. Scared to move. To breathe.
I’ve let my mind rest on the waters of the Mississippi for far too long. Losing Reid made me see that. Not getting him back solidified it.
He may not have been in Alaska, but I tried. I did everything I could and it didn’t work out and sometimes, things don’t work out the way you want them to. You don’t get to meet the man who made you feel alive again, tell him you’re in love with him, and spend the rest of your life building something together.
Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance.
Still . . . even after all that, I know without a shadow of a doubt . . . Port Nova will never be the same without him. Neither will I.
My heart rests with a man who I have no idea if I’ll ever see again. It probably always will. As much as I tried to fight it. As much as I told myself it wasn’t possible and that I didn’t deserve it, it happened. And it was beautiful.
So, instead of going into the inn, admitting defeat, and letting myself get sucked back in, I decide to take one more day. One more day to myself to right the wrong in my head and pick up the pieces.
He’s gone.
Climbing the hill to the cottage, it’s hard to walk. The snow is deeper up here; untouched and thick, but I trudge through to my ivory tower on the hill, as Reid would call it, because I need to be alone. I need a shower. I need to sleep in a bed. I just need to be.
When I finally reach the top, I’m warm, despite the icy winds and I make my way to the porch. I’m about to twist the handle when a familiar yellow lab leaps onto the porch behind me and my heart falls to my toes.
“Jesus, Toast!” I scold, dropping my bag to the ground. “Where the hell did you come from?”
He doesn’t speak, attacking me with slobbery kisses and happy whimpers.
“I know,” I whisper, stooping down to scratch his head. “I missed you too. You owe me cuddles, though. I nearly had a heart attack.”
He stares at me with those big brown eyes and the failure really starts to set in. I know he misses Reid, too. Hell, everyone does. Even Pap.
“How about we go inside and make hot chocolate, put on our ugly pants and watch something trashy?”
“Would you settle for a sweet crab?”
I freeze, my chest locking up and my breathing all but stops.
I know that voice.
“Nova.”
Slowly, I raise to my feet and face him.
And everything explodes.
Reid stays a few feet back from the porch, his eyes, though weary, burn with an intensity as he watches me across the snow-covered clearing.
My pulse pounds in my throat, my heart fluttering rapidly.
Chocolate brown eyes. Inky black hair.
Waves thrash against the cliff below us, but it’s drowned out by the roaring of blood in my ears.
Reid. My Reid. Standing right in front of me.
“I . . . I came to find you . . .” I stammer, my voice so quiet I’m sure he didn’t even hear me.
“And I came home for you.”
Tears burn in the corners of my eyes, but I ignore them, taking a small step toward him. Like if I get too close, I’ll realize this is some fucked up dream and I’ll wake up alone in my living room, dreaming of the man who makes my heart feel like it’s going to leap from my chest.
“I’m in love with you,” he murmurs, as if it’s the most known fact in the world.
“Reid—”
He cuts me off. “I’m in love with you, little bird. I tried to leave. I can’t. I’m here to ask you if you think you can feel even a fraction of what I feel for you.”
My heart swells in my chest until I’m worried it will implode. Everything stops in the small clearing surrounding us.
He’s in love with me. He came home for me.
I don’t even think.
I run down the steps of the cottage, throwing myself in his arms and wrapping myself around him until he stumbles back a step. He clutches me to him fiercely, as if someone might pull me away and finally, finally, after months of missing him, dreaming of him, searching for him in every wave against the coastline, he presses his lips to mine with a rough growl unlike anything I’ve ever heard.
“I’m in love with you too,” I breathe between his nips at my lips and he groans, sinking to the ground, snow and all, and cradling me against him. “I came to Alaska to find you because I decided I couldn’t live without you knowing.”
“Fuck, little bird,” he grimaces, wiping the tears off my face. His hand trembles against my skin, his breathing tight. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t stop. I fucking love you and I’ll do everything I can to be what you want.”
“Stop,” I hush him, pressing another kiss to his lips, drinking him in. My entire body shakes as I let myself be swallowed by his presence. He’s so warm, so strong. So right. “I love you the way you are. Scars and demons. Your past. I don’t care. I love you.”
“Fuck,” he rasps, pressing his forehead to mine. “I didn’t realize what I’ve been searching for was right fucking here. Waiting for me.”
“So, you’re staying?” I refuse to hide it anymore. I want him. I want him here, in my arms. In my living room. In my life.
“Little bird, I would follow you to the ends of the earth and then, if you jumped off, I would jump right behind you,” he grits, brushing a curl out of my face like it’s the most delicate thing in the world. “You’re mine. Nothing else matters.”
I stare at him, studying him while all the emotions in my chest overwhelm me.
“What if you want to leave?” I breathe and I can’t stop the anguish from rushing through me at the thought of him disappearing again.
“I’ve been running my entire life. Since I was twelve, I’ve made it a point to never stay in one place too long because I didn’t want to face what I did and who I was. You changed me. For better or for worse, I don’t give a shit, because when I was on that boat, all I could think about is this island, with the girl with the ocean blue eyes and the prettiest fucking smile I’ve ever seen. The girl who would sacrifice everything if it meant she could help me.” He pauses, shaking his head as if it’s the craziest thing he’s ever heard. “Me. Me who never let a single fucking person get close enough to me to find out who I really was.”
His rough hand slides through my hair, gripping the roots and he angles my face to look at him until it’s only him I see. The same position as the night he first showed me his scars in the old Whitaker house.
“I love you so much it fucking hurts. I had no idea what this was until I got my wakeup call when someone fell overboard on the boat. Then I fucking knew I had to get home to you. I found you four years ago and you’ve been haunting me ever since. This is it for me, Nova. Marry me.”
My chest flutters, my heart nearly dropping to my toes.
“Marriage is a big—” I start, stammering out the only thing I can think of when the shock rattles through me.
“Big step. One I’m ready to dive into headfirst. If you’ll have me.”
I swore I’d never get married again and I believed it from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t overcome the guilt of knowing I was moving on, happy and living while Jack’s memories still rested in that little yellow car that sank quietly into the trenches of the Mississippi River.
Then I met Reid.
And everything fucking changed.
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes,” I say louder, nodding as the smile spreads across my wind-burned cheeks. “Yes, I’ll marry you. On one condition.”
He pauses, a dark look crossing his face as if he’s willing to do whatever he needs. He wants this.
Somehow, that makes this all the easier.
“What is your condition, little bird?”
I smile softly, my heart buzzing animatedly. “You have to promise me whenever things get dark. If you have a bad day or you can’t stop thinking about the past, you’ll come to me. Love me,” I breathe. “Just let me love you too.”
His grip in my hair tightens possessively and roughly, he pulls my lips back to his with a deep growl, I feel in his chest against mine.
“Always, little bird. Always.”
Soft kisses. Hushed words. Rough hands.
Reid makes love to me like he’s been starved for me. I know I have been for him.
“Fuck,” he grits, body shaking and damp with sweat against mine while he rolls in and out of me slowly, as if he’s savoring every inch of where our bodies connect. “Fuck, I missed you so fucking much.”
I tug his face up to mine by the damp roots of his hair, dragging his lips back to mine and drinking him in.
His body is different. Still strong and sturdy, but I can tell he’s lost weight. I can see in the dark circles under his eyes he hasn’t slept well since he’s been gone. I can feel the way he loves me in the way his hands tremble when he touches me, as if I’ve been in his dreams as much as he’s been in mine.
When he slips inside me again and again, his body pressed completely against mine as if he needs to feel my skin against his as badly as I do, all I can think about is how full I feel. Full of him. Full of love. Full of joy that somehow, we’ve found our way back to each other.
Two separate halves of a soul, linked together to form one.
Twin flames.