CHAPTER 20
C HAPTER 20
R ae called her aunt and enjoyed one of the finest conversations they’d had in years. By the time she cut the connection, Rae’s smile felt almost permanent.
She remained where she was, standing by the Dixons’ front window, watching the island world drift by. Reliving the morning’s big moment. Buoyed and burdened both.
There were two parts to the recollection. The first happened while she and Amiya were still in her living room, drinking tea, defining this new component to their world. Friends.
Amiya confessed what Rae already suspected. “I fear I am developing very deep feelings for Curtis.”
Rae sorted through several responses, and settled on, “You fear this.”
She nodded. “I also fear Curtis does not feel the same. That he has permanently defined our relationship as friends. Nothing more. Permanently.” When Rae did not react, Amiya asked, “How do you feel about this?”
This time, Rae knew exactly what needed to be out in the open. “Okay, first of all, you need to understand something about me. Since we’re talking like, you know . . .”
“Like we are already the friends I hope we shall become,” Amiya said.
“I missed my share of the subtle gene. If you ask me something, expect a straight answer.”
Amiya settled on one of the kitchen stools. “How utterly refreshing.”
“So there are two answers to your question. First, how do I feel about our having this conversation? The answer is, I like it more than I can possibly say.” Rae was drawn onto the neighboring stool. There for the full confession. “My life here is wonderful. I hope the Crystal Coast is my permanent home. But it’s also limiting. You and Curtis represent an opportunity to expand my horizons. Far beyond anything I ever thought might happen.”
Amiya took her time responding. “Curtis and I.”
“Which brings us to the second part of your question.”
“How you feel about Curtis.”
“The answer to that is harder. I don’t know what to feel. Curtis is not the same. Neither am I. Despite the fairly terrible conversation that started my day, I still have a great deal of affection for John. What does this mean?” She breathed around the enormity of this conversation. “I wish I knew. I really do.”
“Your honesty is a gift.” Amiya’s words carried a gentle solemnity now. “This much I can tell you, if it helps with your coming to terms with the man he is now. Curtis has barricaded himself into a very tight cave. A place and way of life where he feels safe. I’d like to help him leave that behind.”
Now that the truth was out, Amiya had become immensely calm. Almost distant. Relieved of one great burden. “I can’t tell you how nice it is to speak of such things with a woman who knows him. And still cares for him.”
“I do,” Rae confirmed. “And I probably always will.” She gave that the moment it deserved, then added, “But the longer we talk, the more I feel like our relationship, the one in this new version of who we’ve become, will never move beyond friendship.”
Amiya took a long, slow breath. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“I only just realized it myself.”
“Again, thank you.” She made a pretense of checking her watch. “Perhaps we should go.”
But Rae found herself moving slowly, careful little motions, washing the cups and pot, filled with an unexplained need to say, “I’d like to talk about John.”
“Your fiancé.”
“And that right there is my problem in a nutshell,” Rae said. Folding and refolding the kitchen towel. “He’s asked me to marry him. Three times.”
Amiya revealed an ability to time her motions to Rae’s. A synchronized departure in slow motion. “And you have told him?”
Settling the purse on her shoulder took forever. “I’m not ready.”
* * *
Rae said what she always did while describing her relationship with John. How he was the most fun she had ever known in a man’s company, how this did not change with time. How he did not appear to be the kind to stray, a rare quality among coastal men. How he balanced Rae’s gung-ho attitude with a calm steady strength. How he was proud of her desire to work, to achieve, to grow beyond the island’s limits . . .
It was not until they left the apartment, and Rae was locking the front door, that she finally said the other thing. The reason she had kept from everyone. Until now.
She said to the whitewashed door, “John is safe.”
“Ah.” Amiya used each descending step as punctuation. “ ‘Safe’ is such an easy word. Just tuck all the things we don’t want to look at more closely. Everything locked up inside those four little letters. Safe. ”
They pushed through the exit and started down the sidewalk. The sunlight felt blinding. Or perhaps it was how Amiya managed to draw out Rae’s secret worries. The reasons why she had not accepted John’s proposal. The elements she managed to hide even from herself.
Until now.
“Safe for me meant the perfect man to have on my arm,” Amiya told her. “He would never challenge my position. He would support my rise to the top job. He would do this and be that. I had it all planned out. Just another project I needed to complete. And I did. We married, the perfect man and I. Safe. ”
Rae forced herself to move forward. So slowly the tide of tourists broke and fluttered by on either side. She told Amiya, “I hate the way you say that word. It’s like a stab to the heart.”
“It certainly was for me. My safe little man fit me like a finely tailored suit. But soon enough, the trappings came off. A year and a half after our perfect wedding. That was when I discovered my perfect man’s other side. What he did with his secret hours wasn’t even the worst part. Or how he had planned this all along. Or why he kept his dark element hidden until he had established his legal hold. Or even how I was forced to divorce him in secret, and make him rich in the process. Because to do otherwise would mean shaming my father’s good name. Bad as all that was, what hurt me worst of all was how I had wanted to define my future using that terrible word, ‘safe.’ If Curtis and Lorna had not been there to catch me, I would probably still be lost.”
Rae arrived at the crossroad and could go no farther. She knew the light changed and other pedestrians were forced to flow around them. It made no difference. The calm way Amiya spoke only stabbed deeper.
“Here is what life’s cruelest lesson has taught me, my dear new friend. Like it or not, you must be honest. What is that word hiding? What secret fear or ambition or your own dark elements are you desperate not to expose? Because if that is what your version of safe contains, make no mistake. In a marriage, sooner or later, your secrets will all come out.”