1. Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Mack
Then
September 2014 – Aged 22 years old
My mum may have saved my life that night but that didn't mean that life suddenly became easy.
I was given a home tutor, she was a truly lovely lady with a big heart and she helped me as much as she possibly could. Her name was Viv, she had big white hair, an Irish accent and a happy face. In the beginning, I felt like a burden. Like I really was just the oversensitive kid who should be able to hack it in school. Viv helped me to feel worthy, we worked hard together. She was patient, she was kind. But I knew that she could see my pain, she knew I was broken. Everyday she tried her very best to help me succeed, I didn't do terribly in my exams but I didn't do as well as I could have. If life hadn't gone down the shitter and I became everyone's target.
I may have done okay with my schoolwork but my insides were a tangled mess. My mind was eating away at itself. Years of listening to bullies had taken it's toll and I didn't have a single ounce of self confidence in me. I'd been physically out of school for almost two years at that point and I was still just as broken as the day I'd left. Yes, I wasn't living with the daily torment of others anymore. My brain was doing that all by itself, it's true what they say you know. That sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
I didn't go outside, I had no friends, I didn't talk to anyone outside of the family. I didn't even have a phone anymore because I was so worried that somebody would find my number and make my life a living hell again. To be honest, they had probably all forgotten about me by this point. It was just me living in this never ending cycle of torment.
I may not have gone anywhere, but that didn't mean that I didn't do anything. I'd spent the last few years becoming addicted to exercise, I wasn't the tall scrawny kid anymore. Obviously, I was still tall but I'd bulked out. I had muscles upon muscles, I was a big guy now. I most definitely did not look the same on the inside. The outside version of me was big, muscled, confident looking I suppose. Inside I was still that scrawny little kid getting his head kicked in and his lunch thrown down the toilet.
Ever since I was a little kid I'd always wanted to be a firefighter, my mum used to read me stories with firefighters inside and I would always tell her that I wanted to do that one day. If life had gone to plan then I would probably be well on my way to graduating college with my diploma in public services, but I've spent the last four years desperately trying to gain the confidence to do it. The only reason I find myself standing at the gates of Meadowside Community College right now is because we made the decision to move a hundred miles away for a fresh start .
Every year when September would roll around and I still hadn't gone to college, I'd watch my mum's heart break just a little bit more. She knew I wanted it and wanted it badly. Little did I know that Mum and Dad had made plans to put the house on the market earlier on in the year and move us away from the town that had caused me so much pain and anguish.
This was my fresh start, my time to reinvent myself somewhere where nobody knew who I was. The chances of running into somebody I knew here were slim to none. That was the only reason I was here right now, clutching my backpack whilst staring up at the huge building in front of me. You'd think at twenty two years old I would have gotten over the things that happened to me years ago, but just because the torment has ended doesn't mean I'm not left with the cracks in my armour. Pushing those thoughts to the very back of my mind, I take a deep breath and put on an appearance of bravery that I'm definitely not feeling.
I slowly walk through the corridors, desperately trying not to flinch in fear at every shout and bout of raucous laughter. They aren't laughing at you Mack, they don't know you.
My heart is literally pounding a rhythm inside of my chest, it's trying to escape out of my chest cavity I swear. My palms are sweating, hot tears are stinging the backs of my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not a fourteen year old kid anymore, I'm a 6'5, muscled twenty two year old man. I'm much bigger than most of the other guys here. I continue my walk down the hallway, feeling just like that scared little boy all those years ago. I can't stop my eyes from darting frantically around the corridor, waiting for somebody to say something, throw something, hit me. The hallway begins to close in around me, my breathing is heavy and my stomach is rolling. I can't do this. I can't go through this again.
I'm on the brink of a huge panic attack, I can't get a full breath into my lungs and if I don't get out of here right now I'm either going to throw up or pass the fuck out. That'll really give them something to remember me by won't it. I can feel the hot sweat building on my forehead, in contrast to the shivers that are flowing down my spine. My body is trembling, my muscles tight, ready to flee. I can't do it, I need to leave. I stop dead in the middle of the hallway, turning around with an urgency that I haven't felt in a long time. The urge to flee is strong, I'm out of sorts, out of control. Which is how I don't notice the two huge guys coming towards me until I've flown smack bang into their hard chests and I feel strong hands gripping the top of my arms. Here we go, here it comes, I brace for impact.
It seems like we stand that way for a long time, me with my eyes closed tight waiting for the pounding that's coming my way. The guy whose hands are still on me. Hold on … his hands are still on me. Holding me, holding me up. He's not hitting me.
"Buddy, are you ok?" he asks in a deep voice.
I can't answer, all words have escaped me. I don't know what to do, so I just stand there wide eyed, waiting to see what happens. My body is trembling so hard he must be able to feel it, my pulse is racing, my breaths coming in shallow gasps. The weight of the fear threatening to suffocate me, I hadn't been able to tolerate another persons touch in a very long time and this guys hands were still on me. Clutching me tightly.
"Hey, are you okay mate?" he's only a few inches shorter than me but I'm cowering so hard we are currently the same size. His big hands squeeze my arms reassuringly. I look up into his blue eyes, kind blue eyes. I can instantly sense that this guy is a good guy. He doesn't hold malice in his gaze that I'm so used to seeing.
I still haven't said anything, I feel like I'm gaping at him. I'm suddenly reminded that he wasn't alone when I notice the second guy coming towards me, he reaches around my shoulders and pulls me towards him. I can't help the flinch that breaks free on contact.
"Come on man, let's get some air." This guy is about the same size as the other one. The first guy has dark brown hair with an impeccably shaven beard, kind blue eyes, tattoos decorating both forearms and a reassuring smile. The second guy has more of a chocolate coloured hair, a messy stubbled chin, big brown eyes which hold a mischievous glint. But he also seems kind. They shuffle me outside into the September sun and lead me towards a bench.
"Come on mate, take a seat, take a breath," the second guy says as I lower onto the bench. The guys are flanking me, one on either side, usually this type of situation would send me into a spiral of panic. The feeling of being surrounded isn't a positive one in my experience. But this feels ok, goodness radiates from them both.
"What's your name buddy?" the first big guy asks.
My heart has begun to settle, I'm able to take a shuddery breath before I answer him as confidently as I can.
"I-I'm Mack. Thanks for that back there … I don't know what came over m-me," I hitch a thumb over my shoulder pointing back towards the college.
"Nice to meet you Mack, no worries at all. I'm glad we could help. It's nice to meet you, I'm Hugh by the way," he holds out his hand to shake mine. I hesitate for only a second before grabbing his hand and shaking back. I almost want to pull this guy in for a hug, he has this way about him. The way he holds himself, the self confidence he exudes, it's calming, settling.
"And this here is Ace …," Hugh points to the other guy who is just looking at me curiously, trying to work me out. Ace reaches out a hand and shakes mine firmly.
"Good to meet you buddy, are you alright?" he asks me hesitantly with a furrowed brow.
"I'm okay now … thank you. I-It's been a while since I've been in a place like this with so many people, I just felt a little overwhelmed." Trying to play down what just happened inside, I try to plaster a smile on my face and act nonchalant.
Ace leans in closer to my ear and whispers,
"It's okay mate, nothing to be ashamed of. I used to suffer with panic attacks too. It happens to the best of us," he squeezes my shoulder reassuringly and I instantly feel seen.
"Yeah … yeah. I went through some stuff, I've avoided situations like this for a long time. I think I'm just going to go home guys, thanks so much for stopping to check on me. I don't want you to be late for class." I stand and turn to walk away, before I'm stopped by a firm hand gripping my elbow.
"Hold up a sec," Hugh mutters, concern across his face. " What class are you supposed to be taking?" Hugh's eyes flick to Ace, who I can see nodding in my periphery.
"Erm … public services. I'd like to be a fireman."
"That's fantastic!" Ace shouts. "You're going to be just fine Mackie boy, you're coming with us." His arm is back around my shoulders, holding me firmly whilst steering me back towards the entrance doors.
"No no no, I'm okay." The panic is rearing it's head again, fear flooding my body.
Hugh steps in front of me, holding me up around the tops of my arms again.
"We are in public services too mate, there's only one class so we will be together all day everyday. Come on buddy. Don't let whoever put that fear in your eyes take this away from you. You've got this and we've got you."
It was with that sentiment that I let them lead me inside. They spent the entire day flanking me, chatting with me, making me feel seen and heard. We had a laugh and for the first time in a very long time I left school feeling a little stronger than when I went in.