Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
Declan
Evie and I have greeted each other each morning like usual. The sun rises a little higher when I get my hug from Charlie, when I see her smile, and when she surrenders her bag to me and says in that soft, rich, lovely voice of hers, “Thank you.”
Or maybe the mornings are so bright because we’re doing this. We’re technically engaged. We’re moving toward something, and even though it’s for a specific purpose, I’m fool enough to enjoy holding the knowledge. I am doing something. I’m helping her.
We have not discussed details. And tonight is the family party for my oldest niece, so we need to. But we’ve got no privacy at the clinic, and there’s ultimately nothing to be done but wait until I pick her and Charlie up.
I park in front of the small house that holds her second-story apartment, then hustle to turn off my car and race to the door where I see her balancing Charlie, a diaper bag, and another bag, along with something else in her hand, all while she’s trying to inch her way over the threshold.
“What can I take?” I ask, right as Charlie lunges toward me.
“Dec-Dec-Dec! Hi! Dec!”
He squeals as I catch him, my other hand shooting out to steady Evie.
He’s recently nailed my name and it’s unbearably cute. It also feels significant somehow.
“I’m sorry. He’s so excited to see you.”
“You never need to apologize for that. I’m happy to see you, Charlie.” I look down at him and a pang hits me. His bright blue eyes are the mirror of his mom’s, and he’s got the sweetest face. I don’t know what her ex looks like, but to me, this boy is all his mama.
Maybe that’s why he owns me.
I take the diaper bag from her, then the other bag she’s holding, so all she’s left with is the pan of what looks like brownies in her hands.
I open the back seat and settle Charlie into a car seat.
The slowest part of the process was reading the safety ratings and making sure I selected the best one.
I do know how to properly install a car seat, but I swung by the fire department and had someone else check my work, just in case.
Grant could’ve. But that would’ve been inviting too many questions, and I’m not interested in that just yet.
Charlie jabbers, “Cool!” and “Wow!” like getting into my car is the most exciting thing he’s ever done.
Evie hovers behind me while I do his buckles, then moves into the space near the door when I retreat and kisses her boy, praising him for cooperating with me.
She hands him a few toys from the diaper bag I’m holding and tells him to hang on to them and that the ride won’t be too long.
This makes me wonder if he normally fights her getting into the car, though I don’t think they drive very often.
After settling her bags into the back, I start for the passenger side to open her door, but she’s already inside and closing it. By the time I reach her, she’s buckling, I’ve missed my window, and so I stride on by, around the front of the car, and to the driver’s side.
Totally normal.
“Thank you for picking us up. And thank you for having a car seat. I didn’t even think about that.”
I start the engine. “Of course.”
I navigate us out of downtown Juniper View, then broach the subject as Charlie babbles away in the back.
“I think we should go ahead and be engaged tonight.” There’s no preamble, but I’m not sure how I would’ve eased into the subject anyway.
“Okay. Do you have a time for the wedding in mind?” She sounds so calm.
It’s a relief, but somehow, it also scrapes against me. Should she sound like she’s talking about putting a letter in the mail? Shouldn’t there be some discernable emotion or feeling about all this?
What a fruitless line of questioning.
Maybe other people prefer black and white or as close to it as possible, too.
“I thought maybe next weekend if you want to get it done sooner, or two weeks? If the hearing’s in six weeks, it feels like having as much of that time already married would only be more beneficial.”
“Right. Yeah, that makes sense.”
I spend the next five minutes of driving analyzing every hitch of her breath and syllable of her words.
Is she feeling pressured? Is she miserable?
As much as I care for her, I don’t want this to feel like another trap for her—another situation she has to figure out how to escape. That is the very last thing I hope for.
We need a moment and we are only two minutes from the long drive that leads to my parents’ house, so I pull to the side of the road.
“Is everything okay?” She’s looking around, a little frantic.
“Yes, it’s fine.” I reach into my pocket and present her with a box. “Thought you should have this before we go if we’re really meant to be engaged.”
Her lips part, but no words come out.
It is hideous of me, but the way she does this… It nearly guts me with a desire so potent my head swims. I want to kiss her.
No. I don’t just want to kiss her.
I want to taste her, consume her, let her welcome me in and give me everything she has and I’ll return the favor.
Even my wants have never been in the gray. All or nothing. But this can’t happen with Evie.
I clear my throat and startle us both, her hand jumping as she reaches for the box. When she opens it, she whispers, “Oh.”
I assume it’s a disappointment, and internally berate myself for the choice.
I didn’t get her a solitaire, and I should’ve.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want something that would protrude.
I remember Eirinn saying her ring would get in the way or even scrape the kids when they were little so she preferred a simple band.
I thought maybe just two bands would work, but we can change this or get—”
Before I can make sense of what’s happening, Evie has unbuckled and is practically sitting on the center console, wrapping her arms around me.
Around. Me.
She is hugging me and saying something, but there’s a mute quality to my hearing. Her voice is far away while the warm, soft touch of her fills my brain with fireworks.
My hands have done their job, returning the embrace with a press of one palm flat against the delicate wing of her scapula and the vertebrae of her upper spine. The real-life feel of her sends a buzz through me, but also, miraculously, anchors me back to the moment and I can hear her.
“—so thoughtful of you. I’m just…” She leans back and there are tears in her eyes and a smile on her face that is utterly destructive to me. “I’m so grateful.”
Everything in me freezes. The warmth emanating from her one hand on my shoulder and my arm still looped around her back drops into single digits temps and I ease away.
Gratitude.
Of course.
It’s just a deal for her. I want everything. Which I can’t have.
Best I pull myself from that ledge before I tumble. It’s not even pride here. This is simply self-preservation.
“There’s nothing to be—”
“Don’t be silly. You’re doing all of this, and I don’t see how it benefits you at all. I’m still worried about that, Dec. I—”
She’s skewering me with her sweetness and the tear that snuck out before she wiped it away. Calling me Dec for the first time, and Charlie in the back now mimicking, “Dec-Dec-Dec-Dec!”
I may not be getting everything I want, but it’s also not nothing.
“I do benefit.”
This cuts her off, but I see the expression of hope there. She desperately needs to understand this. Me. And I’ve realized I do have a reason. There’s a motive beyond my desire to help her, my desire for her, that I’m doing this.
“My family has been worried about me. I tend to keep to myself. I’ve not dated much and I haven’t at all since moving here. I know they look at me in my mid-thirties and feel it’s time for me to find someone.”
They know I’ve always wanted that but haven’t had anything come close—haven’t dared nor even desired to try.
But I don’t say that part.
“So this would help them think you found someone?” Her stunning blue eyes blink back at me. “That you found me?”
My eyes close slowly, almost painfully against her words. She has no idea how right she is. “Yes.”
She slumps back in her seat and releases a long, slow breath, then rolls her head to the side and grins.
“Honestly, I’m relieved.”
I nod. I don’t have the heart or stomach to comment or even process that.
“Good. Then let’s go officially introduce you. The attention will be on Sisi since it’s her party. We’ll slide under the radar, and I can let my parents know about the courthouse date when we book it.”
There’s a flicker of worry, or maybe concern, before she smiles again. “Good plan.”
I signal and merge back onto the road, then almost immediately turn onto my parents’ property and begin the long approach to the farmhouse.
Good plan. Sure.
Marrying the only woman I’ve actually had interest in in years, with whom my entire life already entwines, and being subjected to her gratitude?
It’s completely different circumstantially, but eerily close to the dynamic in my last relationship, however long ago it was.
We get along. We combine our lives. I think everything’s great but am apparently more oblivious than I ever imagined and discover that what I thought was a relationship on the pathway to a life together is simply a matter of convenience.
I just didn’t realize it until it was over.
So, yes. This?
It’ll be a perfect plan. I know what I’m getting into this time—my eyes are open.
If only it doesn’t hollow me out and leave me like a cadaver on a table despite my choice to wade in knowingly.