Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Declan
Can she tell my heart is thundering under her touch?
Could she tell I was about to say my body in the line of things that are hers?
Does she have any idea how much I like her hand on me—what I’d give to have them both pressed against me, taking as they please?
Or even, to know they might want that?
“Me, too. I want you to feel good about all of this. I want to…” She shakes her head. “I won’t say pay you back since apparently that’s forbidden. But I want to do right by you, whatever that looks like.”
I almost wince there, but at least it’s a start.
I press her hand to my heart one more time before stepping back. She curls her arm in and almost cradles the hand that was touching me.
Tenderness pinches between my ribs for reasons I don’t understand.
“How about for tonight, we start by lightening the mood and getting to know one another?” I’m not sure I’ll survive if we keep making these declarations and heavy eye contact and standing close.
I’m normally tightly controlled. I’m an organized tray of sterile instruments, all neatly laid out. I’m organized, focused, dedicated. I don’t allow strong feelings to guide me. It’s logic, a clear decision-making process. Until Evie.
Until she walked by and flipped the tray. Now I’m scattered, messy, out of control.
Even my metaphor’s a wreck.
She exhales softly and gives me a relieved smile. “Sounds perfect.”
We take seats across from one another. I’ve never considered how far apart the table places two people until now. Why is this table so troublesomely wide?
We dish up our food—pork tenderloin, grilled peaches, wild rice, and salad. It’s all tried and true. I’m hoping she’ll enjoy it, but there’s a litany of concerns running through my mind. Does she eat pork? Does she like rice? Is she allergic to peaches?
No, she said no allergies. Good.
Wait, is she vegetarian? Vegan?
No, of course not. I remember seeing her devour a cheeseburger one day at the diner and enjoying it quite a bit.
Not in a creepy way. Just in a good for you kind of way.
In the way that watching someone eat something that is clearly satisfying can be satisfying to someone else.
In the way that she should have what she wants all the time and I suspect she rarely does, so I was glad to see she got something that gave her some pleasure.
I swear it wasn’t weird.
She’s filling her plate before I can continue obsessing far too late over whether I’ve made the right meal, so I relax. A little.
“You know, I never imagined you in a place like this.” Her eyes catch mine and her cheeks brighten with a lovely blush. “I mean, I didn’t spend time thinking about it or anything, I just… I wouldn’t have guessed something so homey.”
“What would you have guessed?” There is no end to my curiosity here. The blush, her hinting that she’s thought of me at all. It’s all a delicious tease.
“Something reminiscent of your clothing color palette, I suppose.”
Those soft blue eyes flick up to meet mine. My diaphragm contracts, tense with the knowledge that she has any awareness of what I wear. But that’s nonsense because we see each other every day and she’s an intelligent, observant person.
“My lab coat is fairly boring. I suppose my wardrobe in general is, too.” I take in the warm, colorful home surrounding me.
“I can’t take any credit for this place.
Much of it is just the way my grandmother left it, aside from appliance and electronic upgrades, and a shocking absence of tchotchkes. ”
She chuckles and brings a bite of meat to her mouth. Her brows arch while she chews, then swallows. “That’s delicious.” She covers her mouth with her hand for a moment, then pins me with a stern look. “Are you also a great cook?”
This emerges as an accusation more than a question.
“I’m decent at a few meals.” It may be an understatement, but I’m not sure.
When my ex lived with me during med school, we functioned far more as roommates than people who were planning lives together.
Of course I only see this in retrospect.
We were too young, too busy, but one thing I loved was feeding her.
Unfortunately, that was one more part of why she stayed so long—one of many ways she was using me while I was in the dark.
Ah. There it is. It’s been a decade since it all fell apart and a stab of dread still rams itself in.
Especially when I think of Evie feeling anything like what Mallory did. Or, maybe, not feeling anything the way my ex did. And worse, of me continuing to fall for a woman who isn’t on the same trajectory.
But that’s why we’re here, and I’m sitting across from her, lovely and vibrant as always, knowing exactly what this is. I’m not oblivious. It was my idea in the first place.
We eat without talking for a few minutes. There are birds chirping outside and I remembered to turn on some music before she arrived. It’s low enough I can’t make out which song is on, but it helps keep us from total silence. It’s not awkward, but it’s clear we’re not yet at ease with each other.
I am rarely uncomfortable with quiet. I would rather listen than speak, especially if I don’t have something specific and meaningful to say.
But right now, I am aching to talk with her.
“Can you tell me a little about your life before you moved back to Juniper View? I’ve gathered you came back after your dad’s heart attack, but I don’t really know much else.” She spears a piece of grilled peach. “This is really good, by the way.”
It’s almost slow motion, the way she bites into the yellow-orange slice, the way the juice beads, then slides onto her full bottom lip, the way she pulls that lip into her mouth.
The way my stomach clenches and I leash my mind against the tempting image of my mouth taking that lip, tasting the smokey-sweet flavor on her tongue.
She smiles as though to encourage me to answer. I’m wrapped up in her so tightly, I can hardly think straight.
But pleasure at her words loosens my tongue.
“I worked at Walter Reed before I came here. That’s the national military medical center.
I began as a general surgeon, which is most of what I did there.
Early on, I did emergency medicine as well.
Most of my time in the military was spent at Walter Reed, though I did spend some time overseas.
I also did a residency in family medicine through a special program, so my last few years were focused there. ”
Her brow furrows and she finishes chewing a bite. “Wow. Surgeon and then a family medicine doctor. Did something change? Or was that always the plan?”
This question makes me squirm just a touch. “I had planned on surgery. It seemed most interesting, especially general surgery where there’s variety. But once I was a few years in, I became aware it wasn’t quite the right fit for me.”
I can’t explain it even now, except that I felt this pull towards home. I didn’t see that coming. I always assumed I’d be the one to do twenty years in the Army and then maybe come back to Utah, but not here to Juniper View.
“Any idea what it was?”
I nudge a few dark grains of rice around on my plate while summoning the right words. “It may sound dramatic, but the best way to explain it is to say my vision for my life shifted.”
“Wow. Was it something specific?”
I haven’t explained this to anyone but my parents, and only partly to them, but I want her to understand. I want someone to understand, but in this moment, I feel I need her to understand.
“It was a series of things—a long list of complex surgeries on young men and women whose lives were forever changed by their experiences overseas. Medical evacuations out of war zones to Landstuhl Regional Medical Center where I was stationed at the time, families bedraggled from last minute trans-Atlantic flights afraid of facing their new reality, and losing one patient in particular that shot a gut-level terror through me because he was so like me—early thirties at the time, single, career-focused officer, and dead with only his mother and father to mourn him.”
Her eyes are limned with tears. Of course they are. Her compassion is endless, so of course she would feel for this unnamed man.
“Major Chris Dale.” There’s a hitch in my voice when I say his name, but I power through.
“There was no shame in that man’s life. He lived well by all accounts and was excellent at what he did.
But he held up a mirror to my own life, his parents to my family, and there was no way to unsee the reflection. ”
I don’t look at her right away because I can’t.
I don’t feel shame for the way I changed paths, but I haven’t found peace about it yet, I don’t think.
Dale also made me realize that I’d been fooling myself by pretending I didn’t want a family of my own.
I’d worked hard to cultivate that mindset, had convinced my parents I was off the market indefinitely, but seeing him…
I’ll never know why he, in particular, sliced me open, but he did.
His life, cut short, shoved the half-life I’d been living into my face. It forced me to look in the mirror and to acknowledge I needed to make changes. Obviously enough, I didn’t instantly start dating, but that locked-down, no-trespassing sign I’d hung was torn away.
A soft hand covers mine where it rests on the table, and heat instantly spreads over my skin. When I finally find her eyes, they are endlessly, mercilessly kind.
“Are you upset with the change you made?”
“No.” I let that land and feel it settle, burrowing in. It’s not simply something I tell myself, but something that is true, and recognizing that is a relief. And yet, it isn’t all.
“But I don’t know that I feel what I’m doing now is right, either.”
There, it’s out. I blink at how it tumbled right out, but her eyes hold me captive.
“You don’t like working at the clinic?” She pulls her hand away and picks up her fork.
For the first time, I wish I’d ruined the meal.
“It’s not that.” How can I verbalize what I don’t understand myself? “I’ve found I enjoy the work, the patients. The staff.”
I catch her eye now just to make sure she knows she is absolutely part of the equation here, and she has been since the moment I stepped foot in the clinic, and she welcomed me with a wide, stunning smile.
“But?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”
She drops her gaze back to her plate and I wish I could make it better. What kind of man has a career like mine, one where he gets to help people and earns enough to provide a nice life for himself, and still feels this… hole?
And yet, I know what at least part of it is.
It’s the other element I recognized as I shook hands with Major Dale’s parents.
It’s the gut-level knowledge that I want a partner.
I want to build a life with someone, and it’s not fair to tell her that.
She’ll doubt that I’m free to marry her all over again—she’ll worry about me missing opportunities to find someone.
She just can’t know that marrying her is the biggest step I’ve taken in that direction since I changed paths.
“So I finished up my obligation and came back as soon as I could after my dad’s event.
Fortunately, Dr. Martinez was ready to retire from the JV Clinic and move to the Horizon Clinic full-time, so it was a natural transition.
I’d been talking with them about that for a while, so I’m grateful the timing worked. ”
“I’m glad it did.”
I’ve done enough talking to last me the rest of the night, and what I want more than her knowing me is for me to know her. So I dive in.
“Now it’s your turn.”
Her blue eyes hit mine with force this time.
“My turn?”
“Yes. Tell me what brought you here, and what happened before you got here.”