Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Evie
Dr. Declan Ryan and I move around each other all day. Even Maggie gives me a look when I refuse to meet his eye at one point.
I’m not trying to punish him or be rude. I’m genuinely trying to hold it together.
I am so angry with him I can hardly see straight, and so sad and hurt for him that I want to shake him and hug him and hold him. He has made so many assumptions and despite our promising to be honest with each other, clearly, we’ve failed to communicate effectively.
So I’ve been formulating my response, and as the day has worn on, I’ve come up with a plan.
After work, I’m going to ask if Clementine can keep Charlie at daycare for an extra half-hour. They stay open until five-thirty, but I’m always early on Fridays so I want to double-check. Then, I’m going to march Dec home and let him have it.
And by that, I mean I’m going to tell him he’s exactly the kind of man I want. That I’ve wanted him well before he offered to marry me. That I want him in every way he seems to want me.
And instead of having my way with him then, I’m also going to prove it to him. We’ll get through the custody hearing next week. It will go my way because it has to. And then we’ll be together.
Maybe he needs for us to divorce to make him certain I don’t feel obligated to him, but I think I can help him see that gratitude and obligation are not the same. And hopefully then, we can really do this thing.
It’s such an odd feeling to be angry, heartsick, and hopeful all at once. But that’s how I’m feeling as I wait for him to exit the clinic at a few minutes after five. That’s the driving braid of energy powering me forward as we reach the house.
That’s at the heart of me when I ask him to take a seat in his charming little front sitting room and take one across from him.
“I’ve had some time to think, and I want to clarify a few things before you say anything. Are you comfortable listening for a while?”
“Of course. I’m sorry I—”
“Ah, that’s another rule. No more apologizing.”
His lips firm into an unhappy line, but he nods. The rigid line of his shoulders and the tension in his neck and jaw tell me he’s been miserable, and still is. So instead of launching into my many excellent points regarding how we move forward, I shift gears momentarily.
“Actually first, could you stand?”
He does so, standing tall as though he might next walk to the gallows.
My whole chest squeezes with an overflow of tenderness for him. I stand, too, then approach him and don’t stop until I’ve wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his chest. One heartbeat, and then his arms come around me, too.
We breathe together for a few seconds, holding one another close, and I feel a bit of the tension bleed out of him, just like it does me. I pull back and look up at him.
Goodness, he’s handsome.
“Okay. That’s better. Don’t you think?”
A smile flickers over his serious mien. “Much. Thank you.”
And because he’s so adorable, I lean up and press a kiss to his jaw, then back away. Being this close to him, his warmth and scent and that steady energy he has even when he’s tense… it’s too alluring. Especially after wanting to be close to him like this so acutely.
We both take our seats again and I fold my hands, mentally reviewing where I want to begin.
“One thing I think you need to know is that while I am grateful to you, I do not feel obligated to you, especially for something like sex.”
He blinks. His jaw flexes, and I know that if I hadn’t specifically asked him not to speak while I am, he would say something now.
“I believe you didn’t mean to be insulting with that. I know. But I’m frustrated because I don’t know how best to make that clear except to say that for now, I’m officially saying that we will not sleep together or have any… intimate encounters until, at the earliest, after the hearing next week.”
He gives nothing away now. Since he had resigned himself to not having any of that if it was based on a sense of indebtedness, I suppose it’s not particularly impactful. Fine.
“I’m hoping at that point, if needed, we can negotiate a timeline for our divorce. We’ll know what level of custody, if any, Trevor is awarded, and we’ll be free to end this if that’s what you decide.”
His lips press together and he shifts around. I don’t know if he dislikes this, or just deeply dislikes that he promised me he wouldn’t speak. But he’s a man of his word, so he doesn’t.
I stand and approach him, then kneel on either side of his legs and sit. I cup his face in my hands.
“The last thing I need to say is that I had a crush on you from pretty much the day I met you.”
He blinks, and something in his expression heats.
“By the time Sam moved here, I was basically half in love with you.” I swallow the nerves. “And one of my biggest hesitations in this arrangement was how I’d manage those ever-growing feelings while I was living with you.”
He’s shocked, if his wide eyes are anything to go by. He breaks his promise not to speak, but I can’t blame him at this point.
“How? No, I—that can’t be right.”
Hands on his chest, I lean down and press my forehead to his. “This is what I can’t stand. Right here. I don’t accept this. You can’t tell me you’re not the kind of man I want, or that I didn’t know how I felt, let alone how I feel now.”
I lean back to get a read on him.
“It’s not that I…” He shakes his head, flustered and a little wild-eyed.
I can’t blame him, considering I am literally pinning him down.
“I’m a confident person in many areas of my life.
But dating, romance, these haven’t been my forte.
I’ve been on my own for so long. I’ve grown used to it, even if it’s not what I wanted. ”
“How on earth did you delude yourself like that? You’re wonderful. You’re the best man I know, Dec, and for what it’s worth, I actually know some very good ones.”
Jack, Davis, Grant, Dr. Martinez, Kenny Carmichael, and now Finn and Connor. The aftermath of Trevor has led me to get to know so many good guys and has slowly and surely restored my faith in the opposite sex. But no one did that more than this man.
“My past relationship has had me particularly wary, and I recognize that you’re a different person than she was, and I’ve matured and grown since then.
But I’ve not tried again since. I’m odd.
In my head a lot. I’m particular, and a little rigid, and I’m not all that social.
I don’t like dealing with feelings, so I focus on logic. I’m a neat freak and I—”
I cover his mouth with my hand. “No more of that. I hear you saying you’ve convinced yourself these are all problems, and of course, you’re not perfect. I’m very much not, either. But that’s what life is, isn’t it? Two imperfect people choosing to be together and love each other?”
Just saying this out loud is a therapeutic breakthrough and gives me a flood of hope.
“I suppose it is.”
“I’ve lived with a man who was a problem.
Who should be alone because he doesn’t respect other people and doesn’t know how to love.
I’ve spent quite a while sorting through all of that thanks to my therapist and Jack, even Sam, and I’m sure there’s miles to go.
One small positive that came from that man aside from Charlie is the knowledge that I do want something with someone and that I have a lot to offer. ”
“Of course you do. You’re incredible. You’re—”
I cover his mouth again, but I’m smiling and I can feel he is, too.
“See how you jumped to my defense? That’s how I feel about you.”
The moment stretches and I pull my hand away so I can see his face. His brows pinch and he shakes his head.
“I know you’re worried my feelings are mixed up with gratitude.
I need you to understand I do feel grateful, but that’s not the same as feeling obligated.
And long before I felt gratitude for your help with the custody stuff, I felt other things.
Attraction. Affection. Curiosity. Being closer to you this last month or so has only made that more powerful. ”
There’s so much hope in his expression, but he’s still guarded. So here’s the plan.
“Right now, I’m going to kiss you.” A smile flashes, but he sobers quickly when I keep talking.
“Then we’re going to go get Charlie, and we’ll go to family dinner.
And then we’re going to keep doing what we’ve been doing but with more talking,” I pause for dramatic effect and he nods his acknowledgement.
“Next week, we’ll win that custody case, and then, we’ll see. ”
And then, we’ll make love.
And then, we’ll do this for real.
And then, we’ll start forever.