Chapter Ten #2
And children? That nagging voice pushed, so Astrid closed her eyes to blank it. She would need to armour herself against that, she thought, but there was still time to prepare. Time to work out how she’d protect herself, even then. She could put measures in place, too, to safeguard her own family.
‘How did it go?’
‘As expected.’ His smile was tight. ‘She was furious.’
‘Which is what you wanted?’
He took the seat across from her, his body mimicking a relaxed stature that was contradicted by the tightness of his features. ‘Yes. For a long time, I did.’
She found she was holding her breath, waiting for him to continue.
‘And then, as I told her what I’d done, how I’d triumphed over her, it no longer really seemed to matter. She no longer seemed to matter. What I cared about was my father’s business. Somehow, she’s become almost irrelevant to me.’
Pleasure and warmth burst through her and she stood quickly, coming around to him and moving to sit in his lap.
‘I’m so glad,’ she said truthfully, their faces barely an inch apart.
‘That’s everything I would have hoped for you.
You deserve so much better than to let your past destroy you.
To let bitterness and anger drive your actions.
Which isn’t to say you don’t have a reason to feel those things, but honestly? She’s not worth it.’
‘That’s the exact same conclusion I came to. I looked at her and saw a miserable woman, who will always be miserable. Unless, of course, you marry Otto,’ he said, the words laced with a hint of humour. But there was an undertone to them that had her pulling back a little, a frown on her face.
‘You know I can’t do that now.’
His hand came to rest on her knee and through the thin fabric of her stocking, she felt a throb of warmth, a spark of electricity.
‘But you’ll marry someone like him.’
A dense bleakness filled Astrid’s belly. ‘Let’s not talk about that tonight.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’d prefer to live in the here and now, just a little while longer.’
His eyes lanced hers, but he nodded, then reached into the top pocket of his suit. ‘I have something for you.’
Her heart stammered. It was a small jewellery box.
For a moment, perhaps because they’d just been discussing her need to marry, she had the strangest feeling that he might be about to propose.
Every single fibre of her being leapt in excitement, as a life appeared before her filled not just with secret, snatches of time, but rather, with permanence and public acceptance.
She’d barely known him a week and her heart was already tripping over itself to render that future, to paint it for her so vividly as if to convince her that she could make it happen.
But just the very strength of her wants made her shut the thoughts down immediately and balk at the idea of his proposing.
She could never marry Javier. He had posed a risk to her from the very beginning.
He’d pushed her to be someone she hadn’t known she was capable of being.
To sneak around, to ignore her duties, to seek pleasure with him.
If she let herself love him, if she let herself walk into a future with him, she would spend her entire life in abject fear of losing him.
Of having to bury him as she had her family.
Her skin went from hot to cold in an instant, but years of training had her assuming a mask of polite interest.
‘What is it?’
‘Open it and see,’ he said, voice low and husky, not giving any indication that he’d picked up on her inner turmoil, on how close she was to getting up and running away.
With fingers that she couldn’t quite completely stop from trembling, she took the box, sucked in a breath and opened it. Then frowned, as she saw not a ring, but a pair of diamond earrings. Diamonds, shaped like delicate stars.
‘Oh,’ she said on a rushed exhalation, glancing up at him, to find his eyes probing her, reading her. ‘They’re beautiful.’
Her voice had a catch in it. She swallowed, but it didn’t get rid of the stinging in her throat. She hadn’t wanted him to propose. She’d been terrified of that. And yet the fact he hadn’t…strangely hurt.
‘I saw them and thought of you. Of the first night we met at the Starlight ball. The tradition is wishing upon stars, right?’
She nodded, running a finger over one of the earrings.
‘Well, this way, you can wear them and make a wish, any time you need to. And you’ll have them to remember me, and that night, after I leave.’
‘I don’t need earrings to remember you,’ she said, already reaching up and removing the large pearl earrings she was wearing, placing them on the tabletop beside her.
‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He winked as she removed one of the stars and threaded it into place, then the other.
‘What do you think?’
‘I think you’re perfect,’ he said, leaning forward and kissing her, as she been aching for him to do all day.
* * *
Astrid woke in the early hours of the morning with a familiar, gripping sense of panic, of pain.
She’d dreamed of them again. She often did, but particularly at Christmas.
Her family. Alive and healthy, laughing and close.
Playing chess. Cooking. A very ordinary life, played out behind the extraordinary expectations of being royalty.
She sat up quickly, drawing her knees to her chest, disorientated as she glanced around the unfamiliar room and then down to where Javier was asleep.
She was in his home, she remembered. Her fingers strayed to one ear, where she felt the stunning diamond star before dropping her hand back to the mattress.
Her heart was racing. She knew from experience she wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep easily, so she quietly climbed out of bed and padded across the room, swiping a robe from a hook on the back of his door and wrapping it firmly around herself.
In the kitchen, she heated a mug of milk and added a sprinkle of cinnamon, then, despite the fact it was still snowing softly outside, she moved to the balcony and opened the glass sliding doors, pausing only to slip on a pair of fur lined boots he had resting there.
She shivered, but the cold was welcome. The punishment needed to anchor her back to reality.
She both loved and hated to dream of them.
There was such happiness in those moments, in those memories, but it was all an illusion.
Waking up, to drag herself through the threads of her dream and back into the real world, always hurt.
The glass door sounded and she angled her face to see Javier stepping out. He’d pulled on a pair of tracksuit pants and a sweater, as well as another pair of boots, so she didn’t feel too guilty about taking his robe and slippers.
‘Couldn’t sleep?’ he asked, coming to wrap his arms around her.
She shook her head.
‘I would have thought you were exhausted, after yesterday?’
She nodded once. ‘It’s—this dream I have, from time to time.’
‘A nightmare?’
Her lips twisted. ‘Waking up is the nightmare,’ she said honestly, the words hollow. Though strangely, tonight, looking down at Javier had brought peace far quicker than when she woke in her own bed, in the palace, completely alone.