Chapter Eleven #3
She shook her head instantly rejecting even the suggestion. ‘Please don’t do this. Don’t turn what we are into this. I’ve never lied to you, I’ve never told you I wanted more—’
Rejection threatened to silence him, but he ignored those old feelings of uncertainty.
He wasn’t that boy any more. He was Javier Diamandi and Astrid was the only woman he’d ever loved.
That urgency was infused into his tone when he spoke.
‘You have wanted more every minute we’ve been together.
We both have. Both of us have fought against the necessity of this ending, I just didn’t understand why until now. ’
‘You’re wrong,’ she said, flatly. ‘I’ve been allowing myself to enjoy this, and you, but I’ve never wavered in my commitment to my future.’
He had to take a moment to absorb those words, to process her meaning.
He’d told himself she was protecting herself, by shutting this down, but she sounded so unaffected, as though this was all very clean and easy for her.
As though she wasn’t even tempted by his offer of marriage. ‘A future that doesn’t include me?’
She didn’t miss a beat. ‘That’s right.’
It was like having a knife twisted into his gut. ‘And that’s what you want?’
For a moment she looked as though she felt something, anything, but then Queen Astrid was back. All untouchable and muted. Her feelings, whatever they might be, buried deep within her.
‘Absolutely.’
‘To be clear, you’re saying you don’t care about me?’
‘I don’t have the freedom to care about you,’ she responded, this time, the slightest hesitation in her voice that gave him a fresh breath of hope.
‘That’s bullshit, Your Majesty,’ he growled. ‘You’re running away from me, because you’re scared.’
‘How dare you say that?’
‘Am I wrong?’
She crossed her arms over her chest in response.
‘You might be able to fool everyone else with that act, but I know you. You can care about someone, you just don’t want to.’
Her skin paled and he knew he’d hit the mark. He sucked in a breath, forcing himself to focus. She was afraid, but if he could get through to her, he could show her that this thing they had was worth risking everything for.
‘You went through an incredibly traumatic experience when you were a teenager. Your whole life was shattered. So you’re hiding yourself away in this beautifully gilded cage, refusing to let anyone close, because you don’t want to lose them. Right?’
Her eyes narrowed, her cheeks flushing now with colour. Angry colour. Because he’d called her on her fear, and was confronting her with it. Well, so what? She had to face that fear and move beyond it, just as he had. Just as he was doing right now.
He never put himself out there, because he’d known the pain of wanting someone’s affection and having it constantly denied. But Astrid… She was worth fighting for, worth being brave for. Couldn’t she see that, too?
‘I will never love you,’ she said, the words jarring with their cold certainty.
A thousand shards of remembered rejection lanced him anew. The worst part? She knew what she was doing. He was sure of it. She knew what Carlotta had done to him because he’d told her, something he’d never done before. Astrid knew and she was wielding it like a weapon.
She continued, ‘And I will certainly never marry you. I’m sorry that you’ve misunderstood me, and this, but I thought I’d been clear.’
His whole body seemed to be in freefall. Was she right? Had he misunderstood everything? Had he fallen so completely in love with her that he’d imagined she might be doing the same? Had he imagined every moment of hesitation from her, to leave him? Had he imagined it all?
‘To be clear, I’m saying that I would choose you. That I’m offering to marry you because of how I feel, not because of those photos. Not because of anything other than the fact I want to spend every day with you, just as we have been…’
He saw the way her eyes flickered, could practically see her brain processing his statement and rejecting it.
‘You’re being clear,’ she said at last. And with such finality that there was nothing more to say.
He knew stubbornness—he possessed it in abundance. There was no way on earth Astrid had any intention of having her mind changed. She could not be argued into loving him. No one could. He knew that from first-hand experience.
He hadn’t imagined their connection, he wasn’t an idiot, but he’d misread how much it meant to her.
What she’d be prepared to gamble to make this work.
She’d rather have her bland marriage, to someone she didn’t care about, than risk letting someone in.
That was Astrid’s choice and he couldn’t force her into a different one.
‘Then I guess there’s nothing more to say to each other,’ he said, taking a step backwards and dropping his hands to his side. He couldn’t believe how calm he sounded, while inside he was splintering into pieces. ‘I’m sorry to have wasted your time.’
Even then, he waited, his eyes boring into hers, expecting her to say something.
To remember all the ways in which their relationship had been more than just ‘casual’.
All the ways in which they’d come to fall in love.
He waited, but she was silent. Not another condescending platitude, nothing.
He turned and stalked from the room knowing only one thing for certain—he had to get the hell away from this woman and every feeling he’d just let run rampant through his body.
He’d stayed in this godforsaken country too long.
It was time to go home and move on with his life without her in it.
Emptiness spread through him at the very thought, but so what?
He’d faced his biggest fear—loving and being rejected—and he wouldn’t let it break him.
Javier Diamandi would rebuild his life all over again, just as he had as a teenager.
To hell with Astrid and the life he’d thought they might share. To hell with the whole damned thing.