Chapter Thirty-Four
Dela
“It sounds so silly, now,” I said, fighting back embarrassment.
I was already naked and on top of him, his hard cock practically pulsing while it rested between my pussy lips, my wetness slowly dripping down his shaft, a thick invitation for more. How much more embarrassed could I get?
“Even more of a reason to tell me,” he said, his hands firmly on my waist, holding me tight.
There was no escaping him. Not with that grip.
“Do you want me to embarrass myself or something?” I said, half-pouting. I almost crossed my arms but stopped at the last second.
“I could handle that,” he teased.
“Okay, fine. If you must know,” I said, my exasperation only slightly exaggerated. I didn’t like what I was about to say, even if it was all my fault, “my past dating life has been, not exactly, uh, smooth. Yeah, smooth, let’s use that word.”
“How bad?”
I cringed. “Um, like, I’ve had one serious relationship sort of bad?”
God, why was I telling him this? He was just going to think I was some sort of crazy and leave me!
It was the exact sort of thing I would have done with Paolo or Jeff or Derek or any of the others.
There was no formal pact with Ember and me, nothing like that.
Some words and sex. Why would he ever want to stick around when he saw how crazy I was?
“I’ve never had a serious relationship,” he said with a shrug. “Where’s the problem with that?”
“Um, because most people have had one?” I said, thrown off by his response. “Besides, not all of us are walking sex gods who can just flit from one night to the next, having whoever we want for companionship.”
Ember’s eyes roamed up my body and down and then back up again, lingering between my legs and chest, but also not sparing my face or stomach attention either.
Raw, hungry desire was written on every inch of skin.
From the way his jaw tightened to the size of his pupils and other things that stirred to life with fresh vigor.
“I think,” he said in an oddly deep timbre, “that you’re selling yourself short, Dela. You have the body of perfection and the face of an angel. Any man would be glad to spend the night with you. I know I am.”
My face burned with embarrassment at the compliment.
I wasn’t used to them. I’d never considered myself to be overly pretty.
When I was younger, I’d been stick thin.
Sure, I’d had muscles, but I longed for the things other girls my age were developing.
Hips. A butt. Boobs. The happiest day of my life was shopping for my first real push-up bra. At twenty-three.
Now I had curves, a butt, some boobs, but they weren’t perfect.
My breasts weren’t even, my stomach had maybe a bit more pudge than I’d prefer, and my nose looked like that of a child’s, all upturned and stuff.
That and a million other flaws, from the dark mole on my back to the freckles on my arms that were in a weird pattern.
There was always something else to dislike.
“Okay, thank you,” I said, more self-conscious than ever that I was sitting on him while naked. “But the point is, it’s not because I never cared for anyone that I didn’t have a long-term relationship. But the fact that I always seemed to care too much.”
“You were too needy,” he said, repeating what I’d said earlier.
“Yes. I always seem to do the wrong thing. Get too excited, too worked up, too early. I rush into things, thinking that this time it will be different. And ultimately, I ended up talking about all the things that scare guys off.”
Just like I was doing right then, I realized. I’d already begun talking about my past without considering what sort of emotional baggage I might be unloading on Ember. If I wanted him to leave, this was it.
“What things scare guys off?”
“The usual,” I said with a shrug, ignoring how his eyes darted to my boobs when I did that. I was used to it, and besides, I enjoyed how he looked at me.
“The usual,” he said, mulling it over.
“Yes. Serious stuff. Moving in together, to start. Engagement rings, weddings in general, baby names, having babies, just anything and everything to do with commitment. What we would do when we’re old together.
Even just the L-word was enough for some of them,” I said, shaking my head, trying to rid myself of the associated memories.
Below me, Ember flinched.
“See,” I said, latching on to it, suddenly self-conscious about being naked. “That’s just what I’m talking about. Men never want to commit. They’re all just fuckboys. You just want sex. At least, with you, you’re good at being a fuckboy.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means this was good. Really good, actually,” I said, sliding off him, no longer able to stay focused with his cock between my legs.
I was starting to think about how it felt inside me instead of the topic at hand, and I needed to focus, not have my mind blasted with ecstasy until I was a puddle at his feet. Again.
“Why are you calling me a fuckboy, I mean?” Ember rumbled, letting me go, though he didn’t look happy about it.
“You flinched when I talked about love!” I pulled the sheet over me, hiding my body in a subconscious defensive manner.
He shook his head. “That’s not what I was flinching about, Dela.”
I eyed him speculatively. They all said they weren’t afraid of commitment. Until they were. Was Ember different? Did being a dragon play into it? I wasn’t sure. Maybe it didn’t matter at all.
“My reaction was based on you,” he said softly. “Your pain. I could hear it in your voice and see it on your face. I don’t like it.”
The bed grew warm, a sign of his anger, but he wasn’t done talking.
“They hurt you, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.” He reached out to caress my shoulder, part of my body that was still exposed. “You shouldn’t have to deal with that. No man should ever want to run away from you. You are quite the catch, and any man would be lucky to have you.”
“Thank you,” I said, unsure if I believed him, given my, ah, vast experience showing otherwise.
He could use all the words he wanted, but until someone actually showed they wanted to keep me around, that they were willing to do whatever it took to make that commitment with me, I was always going to remain skeptical. It was only smart on my behalf.
The last thing I wanted to do was get hurt. Again. Which was why, even now, I hadn’t steered the conversation back on track to talk about my promise to Chelsea that I would focus on myself and not go too hard, too fast, into a new relationship.
Sleeping with Ember didn’t count. Not until he figured out his whole wild theory that a human could be his mate. I liked the idea, but … I wasn’t sure I believed it yet either. He’d yet to demonstrate any proof.
“Can I ask you something?”
I lifted an eyebrow, surprised at the hesitation. That was rather unlike Ember. He was very much a take-what-I-want type of man.
“What’s that?” I asked, curious as to what had gotten under his skin.
“You said the flowers sent to you made you feel good. Does that still apply, even knowing they were from an ex?”
That wasn’t the real question he was asking, of course.
I knew that the second he asked it. Flowers could be nice, even if an ex sent them.
The physical look. Any other meaning, of course, was dead in the water now that I knew Paolo had sent them.
But they were pretty. But Ember wasn’t asking that.
He was asking if I liked that Paolo had sent them.
Translation: Is there anything still there between you and him? Do I need to worry about a competitor?
That was the real question buried beneath the layers.
“Kind of an odd question to ask the woman lying naked in your bed, don’t you think?” I said, trying to play it off as a joke.
Ember obviously didn’t take it as such. He remained focused, serious. “Physical demands don’t always line up with emotional needs,” he said cryptically.
What was he trying to hint at? Was there something I wasn’t picking up on that I should be? Why wouldn’t my emotional and physical needs line up together?
Unless he’s not talking about me. What if he’s talking about himself? Did he have a change of heart after having sex?
I tried to still the pit in my stomach. It made sense, of course. Now that the tension between us had cracked and he’d gotten what he wanted, Ember was realizing I wasn’t his mate after all. I was just a human he’d wanted but couldn’t immediately have, and that had driven him wild.
Until I’d given it up.
Now he realized he should be with a dragon, someone who could truly be his partner going forward, not the woman who didn’t know how to hold down a relationship. That made a lot more sense than I wanted it to. He was no longer thinking with his dick but with his head.
Well, that fucking hurt. It shouldn’t, of course, because if I were smart, I would have kept myself aloof.
Like I’d tried to do at the start. Was it really just sexual tension between us?
Was that all I’d felt? All he’d felt? It didn’t feel that way to me, but if that’s what it was for him, I certainly wouldn’t stick around and find out.
I didn’t want to get hurt even worse.
“Dela?”
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, snatching up my clothes and bolting from the bed.
I shouldn’t have been hurt by his dismissal. But I was anyway. Because I’d gone and let myself care for him when I shouldn’t have.
I should have gone home after work. I never should have come back here. Just another mistake in my long line of mistakes.
What would it take for me to learn?
Fuck.