Chapter 21 Sexually
T he softness of Lauren whispering my name drew me from the deep slumber I had fallen into. Regaining my senses, I attempted to lift myself closer to her call but found her hand pushing against my shoulder.
“Easy there,” she cautioned.
“What happened?” I asked, wincing at the sudden trigger of pain reentering my body.
“You took a bullet in the arm for me, then hit your head when you landed on the floor.”
Raising my good arm from the wound to my forehead, I filtered through what thoughts were left for me to recollect. “And where’s Russ?” I blurted as his disgraceful image reentered my mind.
Lauren rolled her eyes, seeming glad that I was well enough to be asking questions but uninterested in even considering where he might be. “They took off as soon as the gun fired. And yes, before you even ask, they got everything they needed to transfer the money.”
“How come—”
Lauren placed her hand on my lips, cautioning me to rest while she filled me in on the details. “Russell insisted for Russ and Mike to leave me behind.”
“Wait, what? They were going to take you with them?” I fumed, ignoring Lauren’s offer for me to rest.
“Yes. They didn’t want to have any witnesses if you died. Regardless, it sounds like they are moving far away now, so we won’t have to see them again.” I took a look at the sling my arm was in, wondering how long I had been unconscious. Anticipating my curiosity, Lauren gladly continued to explain. “I thought you were dead when you hit the floor. You never so much as flinched,” she choked. “I ran and grabbed my phone and called 911. Then, all day yesterday, I was worried I would never get to speak to you again when the doctors said they were afraid some of the bullet might have splintered into a main artery.” Lauren released her breath, taking a second to dispel the troublesome thought. “Luckily, that wasn’t the case. Besides the slight concussion from hitting your head, they said you are going to be able to go home after you wake up.”
“Well, that will be a fun walk,” I said jokingly.
“I’m here to make sure you get home, silly. And I’ll stick around to help you out in your apartment, if that’s alright.”
“Yeah, of course. I’m right-handed, so it will be tough to adjust,” I grimaced while looking at the encasement along my arm. “But what about Mitchell?” I asked upon recalling our previous conversation.
“He’s at camp the rest of this week. Hopefully, by then, you won’t need my assistance.”
“Hopefully?”
“Well, yeah . . .”
“Does that mean you’re ready for this to end?”
“No... I’m sorry, I just meant... I have to take care of Mitchell, and you remember how particular he is. Once I pick him up, I won’t be able to stay with you, and I’d really like to know you are recovering well by then.”
“But what if I don’t want you to leave?” I interjected.
Lauren gave a long sigh. She knew what I was asking, but whether she was open to a relationship or not, she also knew what she wanted was out of the question. “I can’t,” she said with a plea for forgiveness in her voice. “Mitchell requires so much, and we are a package that’s too fragile for anyone to handle.”
“Not for me,” I corrected.
“Joshua, I really appreciate what you are trying to do, really, but even if I said yes, Mitchell might not like you or having someone new around.”
“I understand that, but why not give it a try? I mean, do you just want to keep telling him that Russ is coming back?”
A gloss covered Lauren’s eyes as she considered that the future that she had longed and hoped for was gone. There would be no more possibilities of bringing Russ home for Mitchell. Her desire for him had faded already—I knew that from the connection we felt—but to Lauren, Mitchell was everything.
“You know, I didn’t cheat on Russ,” she said matter-of-factly.
“I never thought you did.”
“Really?”
“Not for a second.”
“Are you sure?” she laughed, hoping not to cry. “Before you thought I was trouble, remember?”
“That was before I got to know you, and even so, that was clearly him denying Mitchell, not you.”
Lauren began to smile. There was something about her that made me want to pull her closer, but with one bad arm, I merely lifted my left hand to her face and skimmed my fingers across her skin.
“It was him who was leading a double life, you know?” she said meekly.
“What do you mean?”
“Before we moved here, he never talked about his family. In fact, he never cared to mention that he had changed his name too.”
“Huh? How did you figure that out?”
“He told me when you were out cold. It was confusing to hear him being called Russ instead of Tommy, but apparently Tommy didn’t like being dragged around by his father and being told stories about his mom. Well, that is, until the reality of it all came together when he met Minnie in the bookstore one day.”
Trying to keep track of everything she was saying, I still needed a few holes filled in. “So, Patterson?” I asked.
“I kept his new last name for Mitchell’s sake. It just made it easier for us both.” I released a breath, realizing how much I had built up the details in my head. Whether from seeing the countenance of my face change or from her willingness to let her heart open up, she gave us a glimmer of hope. “You know... if I introduce you to Mitchell and he can’t handle it, you have to promise me that’s it.”
“It as in?”
“Us.”
I did not want to promise anything I could not control, because I knew very well that walking away from Lauren at this point would be a hard pill to swallow. “I can’t promise you that.”
“Then we can’t,” she mumbled.
I sat looking up at Lauren for some time, wondering if she would break into tears or simply stand from the side of my bed and walk out the door, never to be seen again. Yet, in that moment, she never wavered her gaze from my eyes, hoping for something to change my mind.
“Okay,” I finally said, seeing no other option if I wanted to be a part of her life. “I’ll just have to hope for the best,” I added with a smile.
“Thank you,” she gleamed.
A loud knock at the door interrupted our conversation as a doctor emerged from the other side.
My attention never wavered from Lauren as he explained how lucky I was to have experienced such an impact and for them to have been able to remove all the metal without an issue. Lauren, however, took in every word he said, undoubtedly for the second, if not the third, time. Having her present let me know everything was going to be alright, only to be reiterated by the doctor, who said I was in good hands.
After finishing the consultation, I was helped to a precautionary wheelchair, where Lauren took the reins and pushed me the entire ride outside. Even upon my insistence that I could walk, she seemed happy to both help and tell me what to do at the same time. So, without refute, I listened.
As we drove, I thought about how Lauren’s whole adult life had centered around taking care of someone else, and it seemed to be her comfort zone. The detail in which she made every effort to make sure I was comfortable was an extension of how much she cared for Mitchell.
Lauren was putting in a lot of trust in letting me meet him. She was giving me every part of herself, and personally, I knew just how hard that was. Still listening to her talk about everything she planned to do around my apartment, I laid my hand on her lap as she drove, letting her know I was all in.
“I won’t always be this easy on you,” she said as we pulled into the parking lot. “Like now that we are at home, I expect you to be able to walk when you have to go to the bathroom or...”
“Go inside?” I finished.
“Ha, yes.”
“That’s fair, but I will need your help standing up from the car or at least making sure I don’t fall.”
“Of course. Wait here,” she added before jumping from the car and rushing around to the passenger side. “Here. Latch your good arm around my neck and I’ll help you up,” she instructed while bending down in front of me.
“I’m not that helpless,” I laughed, but before I could refute further, Lauren laced my arm around her neck and pulled me to my feet. “You’ve done that before.”
“Too many times to count,” she sighed. “Mitchell... sometimes when he is having a bad day, I have to pick him up off the floor before trying to calm him down.”
“I see... And is there anything else I should know about him?”
“He’s my whole world,” she said softly.
“Well, he’s in good hands, just like I know I am,” I teased.
“You’re going to take full advantage of me the next few days, aren’t you?”
“Ugh, yeah.”
“And I guess you’re expecting me to cook and clean.”
“Ha, no, not at all. But now that you mention it, those aren’t going to be easy.”
“Don’t worry; I was going to help out with those. But when it comes to showering or going to the bathroom, you’re on your own.”
With Lauren’s guidance, we made our way inside and upstairs to my apartment. I wanted to collapse on the couch, but Lauren was adamant that I lie in bed, for as she claimed, it would be easier to keep my arm propped in place.
“The doctor said if you sit on the couch, you’re more likely to use or lean on your right arm. Weren’t you listening to anything he said?”
“Not really . . .”
“Of course not,” she huffed. “How’s your arm feeling anyway?”
“Honestly, I think the pain meds are still at work because it doesn’t bother me like I imagined.”
“Oh, I guess you really don’t need me after all then,” she teased while helping me ease down on the mattress.
“Give it a few hours,” I laughed, wincing at the tightening of my muscles. “See.”
“Well, here,” she said, taking the spare pillow and positioning my arm. “We better make sure it’s comfortable now, so you aren’t a baby about it later.”
As Lauren sat smiling above, I wanted for her to lie beside me, take a nap or just provide company. Despite all that I had been through and as much as I had fought the urge to want another woman in my life, Lauren brought about a new outlook. She filled a void in all the right ways.
“Lauren—” I began.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” she exclaimed, cutting me short. Jumping up from the side of my bed, Lauren disappeared into the living room, only to return a few moments later. “I found this at the bookstore. I wasn’t sure if it was something you needed, but I grabbed it when the police advised me to lock up before going to the hospital.”
“No, it’s nothing important,” I said dismissively, still pondering over my prior thoughts.
Taking notice, Lauren settled herself along the side of the bed. “What is it?” she prodded.
With a long sigh, I gave up on my desire to rest beside her. “Open it.”
Intrigued, Lauren reached her hand into the bag and pulled out the red shirt. More curious than before, she unfolded the cloth and held it up by the collar as if to be inspected.
“Why did you buy such a big shirt?”
“Well,” I began, “do you want the honest answer?” But my last words fell short. Why I had even asked escaped me, because Lauren’s shoulders slumped as if afraid that any other answer was possible. “Sorry, I meant... This might take a while.”
“I’ve got time.”
“Alright, but I need you to do me a favor first.”
“Okay . . .”
“Go into my closet. Near the back is another extra-large shirt, a yellow one. I need you to pull it out, then take it to the kitchen and throw it in the trash.”
“The trash?”
“Yeah.”
“But why?”
I had hoped to move past the fact that I still had the shirt without having to revisit the thoughts of Brooke, but Lauren wanted to know everything, just as I had desired to know about her.
“It was Brooke’s,” I admitted. Lauren’s brow furrowed in confusion while trying to disguise the internal stab my words delivered. “Actually, the shirt is mine, but she claimed it in a sense.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the shirt was a gag gift from a guy friend because it’s my alma mater’s rival team.”
“I’m aware of the rivalry,” she inserted.
“Well, of course, I never wore it, but it didn’t feel right tossing out a new shirt. Over the years, it got pushed to the back of my closet—that is, until Brooke discovered it. She thought an extra-large tee would make a good shirt to sleep in, but when she heard the story, she insisted on wearing it every time she spent the night.”
“That’s kinda funny.”
“Oh, it gets worse.”
“How?”
“Let’s just say she didn’t like to take it off.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You really aren’t going to let anything slide by, are you?”
“Nope,” she smirked.
“Well, if you must know, whenever we were having sex, instead of letting me enjoy being naked together, she would wear that shirt.”
“That’s cruel,” she laughed, before turning serious. “On multiple levels.”
“I thought she might have a complex about her body, so I tried to get used to it, and then when she left...” I stopped, recalling the day I had tried so hard to forget.
“Then what?”
“I just couldn’t get rid of it,” I sighed.
“But why?”
“One morning, when I woke up, she was gone. All that was left was this shirt, lying across the bed. No note, text, or anything telling me why.”
“Really? Had you two been fighting?”
“I wouldn’t deem the conversation a fight.” Recalling that night, I could not decide what it was. In every aspect, it had been a serious conversation that sparked deeper emotions than I was aware of, but not once was anything hateful said.
“Then what would you call it?”
“We were talking about having kids,” I mustered. “I didn’t realize until after she left that Brooke wasn’t able to have any and that her decision to leave had stemmed solely from the fact that she was afraid of being unable to give me what I wanted.”
“Oh, Joshua, I’m really sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m just glad I was able to figure it out. For the longest time, I had some weird hope that she would come back. Even after that hope faded, I still couldn’t bring myself to throw out the shirt, but then, I met you.”
“So...” she said, inferring there was still more to the story.
“So what?”
“Why did you buy the red shirt? Is it for me?”
“Actually, that’s not the reason. I just was ready to move on, ideally with you, but when I bought it, you had just left unexpectedly to get Mitchell. So, to answer your question, I guess I got the shirt because I was ready to be happy again.”
“Do I not make you happy?”
It was not the fact that Lauren asked so many questions that bothered me, but the manner in which she did so, casting doubt on my love for her. “Yes, you do. At the time, I just didn’t know if you were coming back, and I happened upon this shirt when I was trying to clear my head.”
“Does that mean you’re going to wear it?”
“Probably not. You can have it if you want. I mean, I never would have gotten it if you hadn’t come along.” Without saying anything else, Lauren turned toward the door, still holding the red shirt. “Where are you going?” I called, only to notice the Bobcat print staring at me from the bed. “You forgot the yellow one.”
No answer could be heard from the other side of the wall, and being unable to hoist myself from my reclined position, I was stuck waiting.
“Are you sure?” she finally responded from the other room.
“Sure of what?”
“That you want me and Mitchell.”
“Yeah?” I answered in confusion.
“That didn’t sound very convincing.”
“I mean, I thought I made it clear that a family was what I wanted when I told you why Brooke left.”
Silence filled the air as she made no attempt to acknowledge the past that haunted me. Frustrated, my head fell back onto the pillow, leaving my eyes to stare up at the ceiling. It was then I heard the soft lull of Lauren’s voice. I could not decipher the melody she carried, so I merely basked in the presence of her singing. As it grew louder, the song carried into my room, offering its own reassurance before silence suddenly replaced her voice once again.
I heard Lauren clearing her throat, and I refocused on the door. Just inside the frame, Lauren stood propped against the wall, wearing what appeared to be nothing but the red shirt. Pulling her hair back into a bun, she tucked a stray strand behind her ear as she waited for me to say something.
“Wow,” I finally managed.
“Is this how Brooke looked?”
“No,” I said, drawing doubt to her face. “She doesn’t come close to you.”
Pleased, Lauren slowly found her way to the bedside. She nudged her leg against my arm’s sling ever so slightly. “Do you think your pain meds will last a little while longer?”
“Does it matter?”
Sliding her legs onto the bed, she settled her body on top of mine, bracing her knees carefully between my hips and arms. “How’s this?”
“It’s perfect.”
Then, without another word, Lauren tugged the shirt over her head, revealing the bareness of her body, along with every facet she had been so protective of.