Chapter 39
Ethan
" Y eah, I just heard from Ryan. He went ahead without us and booked his room in a hotel. He's alright." I smiled at Lily who refused to go to sleep until she was sure he was alright.
"See? Nothing to worry about. We're going to have to learn to trust him to take care of himself. We can't be around him twenty-four seven," Eric assured her.
She scowled at him. "Well, he's vulnerable right now. When I was going through withdrawals, I wouldn't have been able to get through it without constant support." To me, she nodded on an exhale. "Well, at least he picked up your call, huh?"
That little breath of worry left her parted lips and my belly clenched harder.
"Don't worry about it. Losing you is a lot for him to deal with at the moment. But that's not your fault. He knows if he plans to win you back, he'll have to change. I don't think he would jeopardize that." I reached out to stroke her arm.
"Yeah." She smiled. It was shaky, but she bought it, yielding to her affection and kissing us all goodnight before we left her alone in her bedroom.
"So, which hotel is he staying at?" Matt asked as soon as her door closed. I pressed my lips together. "What?" he asked.
"Shhh." I nodded him toward the staircase.
"You didn't hear from him, did you?" Eric narrowed his eyes on me.
"No." I shook my head, my throat going dry. "You don't think he would've gone to the police, do you?"
"He wouldn't be so stupid." Eric shook his head, but his eyes were bulging, mirroring the doubts that were screaming inside my head.
"What's the last thing he said to you?" I asked Matt, uneven current gathering in my fingertips and making my whole body numb.
"Only that he needed some spa..." His voice trailed off. "The beers. They weren't in the room just now, were they?"
Eric's face went slack and he swallowed. "I left them on the windowsill. They weren't there. I assumed one of you picked it up."
"Wasn't me." I gulped. "Fuck. What do you think he'll do if he's drunk, scared and reckless?"
"Maybe go to the cops," Matt echoed.
"Shit. We've got to go find him." Eric started hurrying down the stairs.
"Where?" I whispered, on his tail.
"I don't fucking know," he hissed.
"Eric! Where are you rushing off to?" Eric's mother stopped him, startling all of us. She emerged from the shadows. Eric flicked on the light.
"What are you doing alone in the dark?" Eric rushed toward her.
"I like the quiet. It helps me think. Plus, I need to face my fears and one of them is being on my own in the living room with random noises and your father in the house. Never mind that. Is everything okay?" she asked, worry lines aging her.
"Yeah. Yeah. Everything's okay, Mom." Eric shot us a look before wrapping his arm around his mother. "Why don't I sit with you?"
"You seemed like you were in a rush..." she started.
"Oh, no. I was just seeing them out. They've got to find a last-minute booking at a hotel, don't they?" He shot me a pointed look.
The message was clear. Go and find Ryan and stop him before he does something stupid.
Lily
Was it too late to ask the guys if I could stay with them at the hotel? Even if Ryan was going to be there. I actually did miss him earlier, even if my mind told me it was better this way. As amazing as the sex was, it wasn't the same without him. I think it was the first time since we'd — technically — broken up, that we had group sex without including him. It was more than that, though.
I was healthier now, making better choices for myself, choosing not to be with someone who might harm me.
But it didn't mean I'd stopped loving or wanting him.
Lying here in bed, with the noise in my head, I wanted all four of them more than I ever had. Apart from the one night we slept apart back at the mansion, it wasn't something I was comfortable with. Because of the nightmares. Mine and theirs. Granted, with them, the nightmares were a lot less threatening and were kept at bay, for the most part recently. But when they happened, I was accustomed to waking up and knowing they'd be there, or comforting them, Ryan included. It had taken some getting used to, sleeping without him. And now, in this bed, alone, I had this unfounded fear that I'd have to learn to start sleeping alone, forever.
I didn't like that.
I wanted to marry them so that I could be with them for the rest of my life. Even Ryan.
What was wrong with me?
I should have been steadfast in my healthier decisions and never gone near him again. Not after seeing the resemblance to my father and Marco inside him as of late. But you know what it was? I couldn't deny that I was also seeing my own. My anger that I ran away from, my bad habits that tempted me day in and day out, the tease of escaping into drugs and drinking when things were unclear or unsteady. I knew him because I could see myself in him and that's what kept me hanging on. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't have wanted someone to give up on me because I'd succumbed to my weakness. But I would have respected them if they did. Congratulated them, actually.
If I took him back, what would that say about my self-respect? He might not have hit me yet, but he could have. Even if he wasn't aiming for me, he was reckless with my safety. How could I think about marrying someone like that? I kept thinking it made it okay, because I wouldn't just be marrying him. Matt, Ethan and Eric had proven to me that my safety was their priority, even if it meant protecting me from Ryan. But what message would I be sending to him? That it was okay to lose control?
Hell, I was so confused.
I didn't even know if he liked me anymore and here I was, thinking about marriage. You don't get that touchy and defensive with someone you love. Everything I did seemed to upset him. And yes, he apologized, but he'd also kept his distance. Which was good, I thought. Except, I didn't know if that meant he'd given up on us. Or if I'd given up on him. Clearly, I hadn't. Otherwise I wouldn't have been lying in bed overthinking.
Okay, the real reason I was lying in bed overthinking was because I hated the thought of going to sleep. I wouldn't have wanted to offend Eric by leaving, but I was sure he'd understand if I wanted to stay at the hotel with the other guys, rather than here, in this bed, in a strange house, with strange sounds. All by myself.
Although, this was his bed. I knew this wasn't his childhood bed because his parents had settled in Florida in recent years, but I wondered if I was the only woman who had ever slept in it. Okay, now I was just keeping myself awake on purpose. The thought of being in his bed should have comforted me and yet, here I was, jumping out of it like it stung and roaming the room like a ghost in the night. Like Terry and that other guy's ghosts. I wondered if they'd caught the guys who killed them. Probably someone they promised some of the blackmail money to. Or people they owed.
No, mom. We're not going there.
I shut down the follow-up thoughts before they even began and made my way to the small adjoined bathroom. There was some of Eric's cologne on the modest counter. His unopened bars of soap behind the mirror. His towels, folded on the rack. I picked them up and sniffed them. They were clean. His mother's housekeeper must have washed them. Feeling kind of sticky anyway from our romp in the sand, I peeled off my clothes and stepped into the shower. Getting up was a good idea, I smiled to myself as the lukewarm water shot out of the showerhead. I caught a fright, sure, but it was a good distraction from my thoughts and the scent of Eric made me smile.
When I was done, I spritzed some of his cologne, sprayed on some of his deodorant and moved over to his closet for an oversized T-shirt. I came across a jar of surf wax and wondered whether or not he'd teach me how to surf. That made me grin. Me? Surf. I could just about manage to do a few laps in the pool. But it would be fun, trying new things with him. New things with them. I could do that now.
See, that's what I should have been focusing on. The good stuff. Not all these doubts, these fears, ghosts, my mother's haunting voice— No, things would be good. They were good. Being here and having a chance to be a part of an actual family for once, proved that. Things could only get better from here. As I threw on one of his T-shirts and boxers, I was wrapped up in the warmth and scent of him, convinced that I might find a way to fall asleep tonight.
That was until I was awoken by my own screams of bloody murder and the bedroom door banging open. The light flashed on and I was covered in sweat. The loudest thing in the room was the pounding of my heart.
Mrs. Thornbread looked as if she'd seen a ghost and I turned around to look to see if it was the same ghosts haunting me.
"What happened? Are you okay?" Her medical aid looked at me.
Mrs. Fletcher pulled away from her aid's side and hurried over to the window. My chest was tightening and my head was spinning, but I could still see under the lamp light the amount of distress I was causing her.
"Did someone come in? Is that it?" She slid open the window and with strained eyes looked back at us, impatience carving lines around her mouth.
"I—uh." I gulped against my closing throat.
"What?! Speak!" she yelled.
The medical aid rushed over to her and took care not to restrain her. "Let's all just take a breath and let Ms. Thornbread speak," she suggested.
My eyes stung from the guilt and shame holding me captive, and I shattered. "It's the nightmares. I get nightmares," I confessed, burying my chin into my neck, unable to bring myself to witness the distress I'd caused.
Labored breathing soon settled into silence. It could've just been me retreating into my mental escape and zoning out the sounds around me. The mattress sank, and I startled, looking up to find Mrs. Fletcher's eyes full of emotion. Her medical aid gave her a pill and a water bottle, which I guessed she just kept on her just in case. Or she might have left the room during the time I'd closed my ears and locked my mind.
Mrs. Fletcher's hands were shaking when they reached out to stroke my foot under the covers.
"I get nightmares too," she confessed before looking back at her medical aid and then at me. "What if I slept here with you and we can help keep each other's nightmares away?"
My heart wowed me with the new rhythm that had been awakened deep in my chest. My nod came immediately, and a small smile lit up her face.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" the medical aid asked Mrs. Fletcher, and I couldn't help but think the question was also directed at me. I understood the risks. She could be unpredictable. But right then, I didn't have my men next to me, and I couldn't think of anything more terrifying than my nightmares.
Mrs. Fletcher and I nodded.
"Okay, I'll keep my ears open and I'll be right next door if you need me," she promised before taking care of Mrs. Fletcher's needs for the night and closing the door behind her.
When Mrs. Fletcher climbed into the bed and wrapped her arms around me, I was warmed by a maternal comfort I'd never known. Before I knew it, I was sound asleep.