Chapter 43
Matt
W hen I got the call from Eric that he was heading over to the police station to pick up Ryan, the whole world flipped on its head. Lily, the life we could have forever, the opportunity to call her my wife, the silver lining to this dark web of misery, slipped from my fingers and I thought I was going to pass out from losing everything, all of me, at once. I had a moment where I swore to myself that I would never forgive him if he did what I assumed he must have. And when I learned that he didn't, it still didn't erase the anger. It didn't set everything right. I'd had my last straw. Even after he knocked me out cold.
Lily changed me. She really did. People say that sort of thing all the time, 'the person I love changed me,' and you're never really sure what they mean. I'm sure they know deep down their reason for saying that. My reason lies in why I fell in love with her. Her selflessness. I know it took a lot out of her to cut her mother off, because after years of abuse, there she was, tender with her. It was due time for her to let her go. I know she wouldn't have just given up on her, no matter how horrible she's been to her. She still hasn't even given up on Ryan.
So, even when I convinced myself I'd had it with Ryan, the moment he stepped through the door and I saw the torment and the havoc it wreaked on him, I remembered Lily.
"I know it's hard," I said, picking up my bag that hadn't been unpacked. "But think of this as a fresh start. You have a choice here, Ryan. I'm not going to force you to come. And if you want, I can figure out a way to get you to stay without the guys knowing, at the very last minute. You can stay here and continue destroying yourself or you can come with us. You're not trapped. But know this. If you do decide to come with us, you have to learn the art of pretending, just like the rest of us."
Ryan was silent for a beat, his head dropping into his hands. He'd had quite the night and had been up most of the morning vomiting, since mixing the pill with all the alcohol in his system was probably not a good idea. How was I supposed to know that? He needed some peace. And so did I.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"If we were able to trust you, I could tell you that. But you've proven to us that you're fickle, Ryan. We can't keep living on the edge, wondering whether today is the day your guilty conscience convinces you to fuck us all over." I grimaced.
"Matt..." He gasped, looking up at me as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
I gulped. "You're just going to have to decide if you trust us enough to keep you safe. I think we've proven that much to you."
"Matt, I'm sorry," he started.
"I don't need another apology. We're leaving in a few minutes and I want to know what you're deciding on. Now, Lily's convinced that we're going away on a romantic vacation. And as crazy as it sounds, I'd like to buy into that fantasy, because we don't know how long we have left. I don't want to waste it..."
"Running around after me." Ryan nodded.
"That's not what I meant," I pushed the words out. He looked up at me. We both knew it was exactly what I meant.
Ryan was going to have to be able to take on some of the responsibility for his own healing, his own safety, his own decisions from now on, because we were all running from the same thing. I couldn't neglect myself and everyone else to run around after him when he was choosing to be reckless. At some point, he had to want the same things we wanted too, or I was going to make myself sick.
"Doesn't sound like I should even be there." He took a deep, heavy breath.
"That depends on you," I reminded him.
"Does it? I don't really fit into the whole 'romantic illusion' you're trying to sell her, do I? Will she even want me there?" He ground his jaw.
"Of course she will. And that's just a front, obviously. This is about keeping our asses safe." I glared at him.
"And Eric?" he asked.
"Look, it shouldn't be surprising that everyone's not your biggest fan at the moment. Me, excluded, of course. Even though I could have wrung your neck last night for what you did. But..." I sighed. "I know the weight you must be carrying. The thing is, you haven't taken a single moment to find out how I am, how any of us are handling it. It's just always about you."
"You guys never want to talk about it. Every time I bring it up..." Ryan started.
"You guys coming or what?" Ethan came around the corner and glared at us sitting on the bed. "Let's go."
Ryan swallowed.
"As I said, the ball's in your court, Ryan. I'm here if you want to talk, but I'm not going to be attached to your feet all the time anymore. If you do come, you can use this as an opportunity to prove to Lily and Eric, and Ethan...and me, that we can trust you. If not, I'll offer to drive you there myself, and I'll just take a detour on the way to the private hangar." I threw on my backpack and started walking. "Maybe you'll even get your phone back."
I waved it in his face before dropping it in my pocket. We were all freaking out last night, and as a precautionary measure, paranoia drove me to sneak his phone away from him.
"Hey, I was looking for that!" He jumped up, but I was faster than him.
"You can't do that," he said.
"Yeah, until I know we're safe, I'm not taking any chances." I hurried off after Ethan.
At least it got Ryan up and out of his deep sulking as he chased me, wrestled me in the elevator, and attracted all manner of attention on our way to the car. By the time we got there, Ethan was fuming and I was fuming.
"Fuck it, Ryan. You know what? Here's your fucking phone." I thrust it at him. "You're fucking reckless and thoughtless."
"Will you shut the fuck up, you two?!" Ethan grunted. "Don't you think you've attracted enough eyes? Hotel cameras have us now."
Panting, I turned to scowl at Ryan. "The decision's been made. You're not coming with us."
"What?" Both Ethan and Ryan said at the same time.
"He can't come with us. As we all agreed, he's a liability." I turned away from Ethan to Matt. "This was your chance to prove to us that you could be trusted, and you decided to harass me for your fucking phone. There, you have it. Call the fucking police if you have to. We'll be long-fucking-gone by then."
"Wait, Matt! I'm sorry. Don't leave me here alone." He called after me, but I was already storming off.
I was fuming even more when he climbed into the car with Ethan and me.
"We're all sticking together. I'm not letting him out of my sight," Ethan growled.
"Great." I sucked air in through my teeth and glared out the window.