Chapter 50
Matt
M y back hit the pillow with a crash and I shut my eyes, basking in the aftershocks of the best fucking orgasm I'd had in a while. I hadn't even noticed when Ryan left the room. He had branded me with his marks on my skin, so at this point, I should have been able to track him. He had fucked my ass like he owned it and Lily had given me her ass like she owned me. I admitted, I enjoyed a bit of submission, being used for pleasure.
"Do you think he's okay?" Lily rolled over to kiss my cheek.
I grumbled a response.
Hibernation was calling my name. I could sleep for days. With all the running around behind Ryan, running away from the threat on our lives, hiding the truth from Lily, hiding from the secrets, myself, I prayed it was really over and we weren't celebrating a little too early. More than anything, I prayed that Ryan could relax now and get back to being him. I did love him, a bit more than a best friend if I was being honest. I didn't think I had ever stopped. We hadn't worked when it was just us. Now we were in love with the same woman and when it came down to it, I'd choose her every time.
Lately, he'd been making me doubt whether or not he was safe enough to be around.
"I should go check on him," Lily offered.
I opened one eye to find the other guys sleeping. Unsure what state of mind Ryan was in, I pulled her back toward me and kissed her on her forehead. "Get some sleep. I'll do it."
"But you look exhausted," she stroked my cheek.
"Thanks a lot, princess," I teased and she grinned.
"I'm just saying..." She yawned and I pulled my weight up from underneath her.
"I'm already up." I stretched and started pulling on my clothes.
Ryan was sitting in the Parisian garden amongst the flowers, looking out at the clear blue skies.
"You know if you stare into the sun too long, it'll damage your eyes," I came up behind him.
He scrunched his eyes up to see me better. "So, you're talking to me again," he said, turning back to face the sky.
Sitting beside him, I couldn't fight my smile. "It would be pretty awkward if I wasn't. My ass is still sore after you manhandled the shit out of me."
His lips turned up as well. "Complaining?"
"Never." I picked a blade of grass. "You okay?"
"I mean, we don't have to look over our shoulders anymore, so I must be, right?" He laid back into the soft dewy fluff of green.
"Are you?" I nudged his leg with my foot.
"Hmm." He murmured. "Do you think there's still a chance for me and Lily?" he asked after a moment of silence.
I thought about it. "If you're asking if she still loves you, yes. I see it in the way she watches you. If you're asking if you deserve her, no. None of us do, but you more so because of what you did. If you would have hit her..."
Heat came to a boiling point inside of me as I replayed the memory inside my head, replacing the image of the pitcher crashing to the ground with that of it cutting into her.
"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself." He jumped up and swiped a hand over his face, his eyes widening as if the realization of what he did occurred to him at this moment.
It wouldn't have surprised me since he'd been sober for almost a full twenty-four hours, an accomplishment at this point.
"You wouldn't have been able to live, period," I growled.
His eyes flashed to mine, but he nodded. "I wouldn't have blamed you. I would've deserved it."
I wasn't sure why, but as we confessed these things, the gravity of what we did dawned on me. Swallowing past the sickness in my stomach, I reached out and stroked his leg. "Just like those two assholes did."
He gulped and shut his eyes. "I'm just as vile as they are, aren't I?"
"If you had hit her. Yes." I didn't sugarcoat it.
"I almost did. It was pure chance that it didn't. Fuck. How could I have been so stupid?!" He hit the side of his head and I grabbed his hand.
"Stop that. As much as you deserve a kicking for what you did, it won't help anyone if you abuse yourself. All that will do is continue to prove that you're a danger to yourself and others. If you want to win Lily back, you have to show her you're worth forgiving. You have to show all of us. And even then, I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't take you back." I stroked the back of his hand.
He slipped it out of my hold.
"And how the hell am I supposed to win back the woman I was so reckless with and I'm lying to, on top of everything else? I don't deserve to have her back," he repeated.
"Well, first you have to stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself and stop thinking about how this is all affecting you. How much you messed up, how much you don't deserve Lily, how much guilt you're feeling for killing two assholes who deserved it, how much you can't live with it... This isn't about you, Ryan." My voice grew more fiery with every word. "I keep telling you that." I breathed, getting up from beside him as the conversation became too much to carry.
"I thought you'd forgiven me." He noted the bitter edge to my tone.
"Just because I let you into my ass, it doesn't mean you've wormed yourself back in here." I patted my chest. "Lily owns my heart. You share a piece of it. If you fuck up with her again, so help me, I'll make you regret it. You have to decide how important she is to you and whether or not she's worth protecting, from anyone or anything. Even yourself."
"And the wedding?" he called after me.
"How long do you plan to drag your feet for?" I returned over my shoulder. "We won't wait for you forever."