Chapter 64
Lily
D on't start with me. I knew I shouldn't have said what I said. That whole thing about Terry kidnapping me because of them. I knew it was fucked up. And a damn lie. But fuck, what was I supposed to do, take it back? It had been a couple of days since we came back from Paris, and I hadn't spoken to them or seen them. In fact, as I sat on the reddish-brown leather couch that they bought in 'home sweet-motherfucking home', I wondered why I still hadn't called the cops.
And yes, I was back at my mother's house. It turned out the reason she wasn't returning my calls was because she had to be locked away in a mental health facility after she attacked the nurse. Mom had come home and had a nervous breakdown after finding that everything had changed.
The nurse was too scared to tell us that she quit after my mother threw a sharp picture frame at her head while she was helping her reorganize all her stuff. Walked her ass right out the door and called emergency services. They found my mother on the street after that, trying to score coke. Like the heavens above had opened up and the angels had driven the cop car themselves, they caught her before she could even touch the bag.
I missed out on all of that because I was busy playing house with my men in la-la fucking land, all the while, they knew why my sperm donor's body was floating at the bottom of the lake.
"So, what the hell are you doing back here?" After catching me up on the reason she didn't get my calls, my mother offered me a drink—a non-alcoholic drink, yes—even though I'd kill...ahem...I'd love a strong drink right now.
It turned out the only person in the world I could ever believe a word coming from their mouth was my mother. No best friend. No man I could trust. Just me and my mother, the woman who abandoned me despite her physical presence, the one who chose Terry Thornbread over the safety of her kids, over herself.
"You were right." I took a sip of the too-sweet lemonade.
Drugs, we can't have. Alcohol for addicts? No. But sugar, yeah, let's make sugar free and available to everyone of all ages, addicts or not. I put the drink on a —guess what? A coaster— and set it aside.
"You and those four men of yours broke up?" She summed up with just a look.
My eyes stung and I cleared my throat. "Yeah."
"Okay, come on. Lay it on me. What have they done? Put their hands on you? Cheat?" she asked.
Yeah, that's right. I hadn't confirmed the reason for the 'breakup' yet. 'Breakup' sounded so small compared to this.
"Whatever it was, it must have been pretty fucked up for you to end up back here in this dump." She downed her drink and poured herself another.
"It's not a dump." I sniffled.
"Yeah, you're right. Almost didn't recognize it when I stepped through the door. Walls and doors fixed, fresh coat of paint, the couch doesn't stink of beer and Terry." She stroked the matching armchair she was sitting in across from me. "They did good."
I gulped. So good, I was going to be reminded of them every single day I was living here. I needed to get a job. Hopefully my mom was doing fine enough to be on her own while I found somewhere else.
When I didn't answer, she pressed. "Oh, don't tell me you've lost your tongue. Don't follow in my footsteps anymore, I beg of you."
I looked up, squinting at her. Did she just try to make a joke about her catatonia? I'd give her an obligatory laugh if I didn't want to leave my body so badly and sink so deep in the couch I couldn't be found again.
"Did they kick you out? You know, you should've been smart and got your name on the house so they wouldn't be able to do that. What is it? Did you do something to get kicked out?" She turned the tables.
"Me?!" I snapped.
"Well, I'm trying to make sense of what happened. You had four good men who would give you the world..." She shrugged.
"I thought you hated them!" My mouth fell open.
"Girl, I wasn't in my right mind. I didn't know what I was saying, thinking..." She took a deep breath.
"You had the most clarity out of all of us." I interrupted.
"Yeah. Funny." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm not joking, mom. You were right." My heart was ribbeting in my throat.
She had just been released a few days ago. I didn't want to upset her. But on the other hand, I couldn't keep this in any longer. I was drowning in guilt, knowing that I was still in love with the men who murdered the man she loved, the man I despised. Besides, who else was I meant to talk to about this? I needed to say it out loud, to someone else. I didn't have anyone else.
' The person you should be saying it out loud to is the cops.' My conscience reminded me.
Head on my fist, I studied my mom. "You deserve to know the truth."
She waited.
"Apart from the four of them, you were the only other person who knew..." I breathed. "They killed Terry."
Mom's brows shot up into the wrinkles of her forehead. Her jaw slackened. She kept her eyes on me.
I expected her hair to go up in flames and this whole house to catch fire. She was silent for a long time.
So long, I started to think I'd messed up her progress.
My pulse sounded like the intro music to that Law & Order show as I anticipated her response.
"Mom, say something," I whispered.
She shook her head and fluttered her lashes. "Give me a second. I'm just trying to get my head around what's real and what's not at the moment. I'd convinced myself that I only said those things because I was losing my mind."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know," my voice scratched.
"No, no. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry." Mom covered her mouth with her hand while I tried to make sense of her reaction. I had expected the roof to be blown off by now. "Do you know why I named you Lily?" She brought her eyes around to meet mine.
Thinking this was her means of dissociating, I shook my head and forced a smile. "Because it's a tradition. You're named Petal, Grandma's named Rose."
"Yeah. But do you know why I chose Lily?" Mom leaned forward and locked me in her gaze.
"No," I resigned.
"Lily is my favorite flower." She took a deep breath, fighting the emotions pulling at the skin around her nose.
My mind went silent.
"When you were born, you were perfect." She sniffed. "I know I'd messed up the first time with your brother. I thought I'd gotten a better father figure for him when I got with Terry. But as soon as I got pregnant with you, his attitude shifted. Like he owned me or something. By the time you were born, I knew I had to get away. I planned to get away. But he'd shown up at the hospital and one look at you, he'd morphed into a softie."
Say what? My heart refused to believe it. I'd never seen that man as anything but a shitstain in my life, for good reason. I couldn't imagine him being soft.
"He cried and apologized. Even brought your brother a gift. Got me one. Got you a stuffed bear. Said he'd be a better man from there on. I believed him." She shook her head and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. "It took him less than a week to go back on his word. He couldn't last without a drink past a week." Mom scoffed. "Started putting his hands on me again. Then he would climb into bed all drunk and crying, apologizing. Like he was struggling, you know. He wanted to change, but just didn't know how. I was conflicted. I couldn't support myself and a family. He was keeping the lights on, food on the table and putting your brother in pre-school. I figured that as long as he didn't put his hands on any of you, I could put up with the beating. I saw his softer side and thought I could love him out of it. Again, I was wrong." She hissed. "I'm so sorry. I should have left the minute you were born." Mom was full on crying now and I ran over to hug her, but she shielded me away. "I don't deserve your compassion. That man made our lives a living hell. He almost took my Lily. He's the reason my son is dead. And I stood by and did nothing. I'm equally to blame."
Oh, my heart was thick and aching. "I didn't know those... I don't know a lot about a lot of things, it seems." I cleared away the tightness in the back of my throat.
"Your men have never given you any reason to doubt them," she attempted to soothe me.
"What's better? A wolf in sheep's clothing or the one that bares its teeth?" I sought out her eyes. "How did you know that they were involved in Terry's death?"
"Oh, I didn't." She fanned me away, but her eyes broke contact.
"Mom," I insisted.
"Oh alright. I saw it in Ryan's eyes. It wasn't just hate when he was screaming at me. There was something else there. Like he knew something I didn't. Like he was proud of the secret he was keeping." She sighed.
Everything inside me split open. "He's just like dad."
"Is he?" she asked. "I don't remember your dad going out of his way to help anyone but himself. They were all there, helping you care for me."
"So you did remember all of that," I gasped.
"Of course I remember. It was a bit cringe at first. I mean, look at them. They're all handsome strapping men and I'm no longer in my prime."
"Mom!" My mouth fell open in a grimace.
"I'm just saying, they all did what they did because Terry hurt you. Have you ever felt unsafe around them before now?" she asked.
"With Ryan. Now I know that the reason he changed had everything to do with what they did to..." I gulped. "Terry and his accomplice."
"What do you mean, he changed?" she asked.
"He was always drunk. Throwing up on himself. Isolating himself..." I thought about the torment that he'd been living through and I had no idea about. "You don't think he blamed me for what he did?"
"What? Of course not. I'm assuming he did what he did because he was angry. And because Terry deserved it."
"Mom!" I couldn't form any other words.
"How many times am I going to sit here and make excuses for that man's actions? He played with fire and got burned. I'm sorry. I'm done making excuses for that man." She sucked air through her teeth as I looked in different directions, trying to make sense of what I was hearing.
"What changed?" I asked.
"Coming home to a different house helped. A good therapist." She sighed and a laugh slipped out.
"But you can't justify what they did...?" I shook my head. "I said something awful to them. I kind of regret it, but I think I said it because it confirms what I've believed all along. That I'm the reason they're so screwed up now."
"All along?" she asked.
"Yeah. They were different after my kidnapping. There was even a moment I thought I was helping Ryan by booking a therapist. He got so mad, I saw Terry when he threw that glass pitcher in mine and Eric's direction and it shattered into the wall behind me." I confessed, needing to hear her take on it.
"He threw the pitcher at you?!" Her eyes burned with rage. For me. That was a first. And I took some relief from it.
"He wasn't in his right mind. And technically, he was throwing it at Eric. I don't even think he intended to hit us...Fuck, there I go making excuses for him." I rolled my head in my hands. What were we even talking about? Why hadn't either of us picked up the phone to call the cops yet?
"How did the other guys react?" She leaned back in her seat.
"They were ready to go to war for me," I admitted. "Ethan and Eric cut off the friendship, basically. Matt tried to help him, went to therapy with him. I think it's because he knew why he'd done what he did. And that wasn't who Ryan was before I infected him."
"The way they went to war for you before, with Terry," she said, offhand, ignoring my self-blame. "Has he done anything like that since?"
"No." I shook my head.
"Is he still a drunk?" she asked.
"Not for the past month. And I only took him back after I saw he was truly remorseful," I rushed to add.
She thought.
"Well, based on what they've proven to you so far, I'd say that if he ever messes up again, you have three bodyguards ready to go to war for you. Otherwise, if he's getting his shit together, I think you have more liberty than most to see if that change remains. If not, you have protection," Mom concluded.
"What?! But what about murder? They killed someone!" I thought we were missing the bigger picture here.
"Not someone. Terry and that other idiot. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I'd dig up his grave just to kill him again if I could." Mom drained the last of her drink and got up from the armchair as my open mouth and wide eyes followed her into the kitchen.
"You're not going to call the cops?" I asked.
"Is that why you told me? You wanted me to take the responsibility off your hands?" She smiled at me. "Well, I'm sorry, baby. You came to the wrong place."
Shit. I thought that was exactly why I told her. Now what?
"If you want them locked up, you're gonna have to be the one to make that call. But if you want my advice, I'm telling you to hear them out," she shrugged.