Chapter 39
Ethan
W e moved the blankets and pillows out of the kitchen and into one of the bedrooms, where Lily was now sleeping and covered up to the neck. We cleaned up after our second throw-up session because it was embarrassing to have Lily offer to clean up after us. And we convinced her it was best if we slept separately for the night, though we wouldn't be far. I'm guessing she was so turned off by us that she happily agreed.
Ah. We had to get our shit together. I held my breath, gathered the leftover fish, trying to keep from puking, and headed to the lake to toss it back from where it came. Ryan was there, downing his—what was it? I had lost count—his next bottle of wine. He watched me as the fish hit the water with a splash, and I noticed another empty glass bottle floating on the lake.
"What the hell, man?" I grabbed the bottle from his hand, and he stumbled. "Are you trying to drink yourself to death?"
"Why not?" He looked at me.
My stomach dropped with dread because I related more than I wanted to. "You don't mean that." I shook my head.
"Don't I? I keep seeing the bloody knife. I can still feel it." My eyes dropped to his shaking hand, which he clenched and released. His face was twisted up in disgust.
My skin crawled from the memories.
"His flesh..." Ryan gagged again but managed to swallow it. "And the fish..."
"It's not the same lake." I hurried to speak before he voiced my own thought.
"Maybe not. But we're not the only ones who have dumped bodies in lakes, are we?" he asked.
A scuffle startled me, and I spun around with my heart in my mouth. My breath collided with the wind when I found Matt there instead of Lily.
Ryan hadn't stopped talking. "All those bodies."
"Ryan." Matt pleaded.
"What do you think happens when the bodies are in the water for too long? I think the flesh falls off. Or the fish eat the skin, and then we eat the fish..." Ryan heaved, and this time, he threw up on the water.
I turned away because my head was pounding, and I couldn't handle another body-wrecking expulsion of my stomach.
"How's Lily? Is she okay?" I grabbed Matt's gaze for a distraction.
He hung onto mine in return. "Yeah. Still sleeping. Eric's with her."
"Is he sleeping?" I asked.
"Fuck no," Matt said. His eyes shifted, and his brows came together. "What the fuck is Ryan doing?"
I didn't want to know.
"Night's kind of chilly for a swim," he said.
I spun around to find Ryan, fully clothed, knee-deep in the water and still going.
"Fuck! He wants to drown himself." I took off running.
"That's a little dramatic," Matt added. It's not like we haven't done stupid things when we're drunk. I shook my head and dove into the nightmare that was the lake, the thing I'd been trying to avoid since coming here. Water and vomit and fish got in my mouth, and I tried not to lose it as I grabbed Ryan by the shirt and started pulling him back in.
"No." My cheeks grew warm and then cool from the tears dripping down. I fell to my knees with Ryan next to me, screaming at me to let him do it. "Earlier, he said..." My voice wobbled.
Matt was shaking his head until his body gave in, and he gasped as if his lungs had just collapsed.
"I can't live with it." Ryan slapped his head.
"We're gonna have to. Lily needs us," I attempted.
"She doesn't need me. I don't have anything to offer her. She has you...you bought her this house. And you helped, didn't you, Matt? And Eric, he's her first love. She'll be able to forgive you when it gets out. But me?" He choked on his breath. "What have I done? I'm a murderer. A murderer. I can't." Ryan tried to get to his feet, and Matt beat me to it, pushing him back down.
"Listen to me. You're not the only one going through this..." He started, failing to acknowledge that Ryan was the only one who had actually killed someone. But Ryan couldn't know that. He hadn't been around to see that his wound was the only one to claim a life. And it would stay that way.
"You have us. And as hard as this fucking is, we'll keep it together. And this won't get out. You hear me? And don't let me ever hear you say something so dumb again." Matt dropped to his knees and slapped Ryan across the face.
I balked. Way to make him feel lower. But they'd always had a different bond between them than the rest of us. Ryan's wrecked eyes flew open to plead with Matt.
Matt gripped him by the neck of his undershirt and pulled his forehead into his.
"You give her you. That's what you give her. Your heart." He stabbed his finger into Ryan's chest. "Your love. And that's the reason why you did...we all did, what we did. It wasn't for nothing. And no, there's no going back. There's no taking back what we've done. But we have to live with it, because we don't have a choice. Because this cannot come out. It won't. Lily loves you. As much as she loves all of us. But we'll all lose her if this comes out. You're not the only one battling with this. You think I'm not reliving it every fucking second? That Ethan isn't or Eric isn't? Right, Ethan?"
Matt looked at me for support. Damn, I could do with a fucking hug, myself. So I moved toward Ryan and wrapped my arms around him. He shook in my arms. Matt took his hands in his.
"You think I don't want to jump off into the bottom of that lake as well? But look at all we'd lose. Lily? Each other. I'd miss my best bud slash ex." He gave Ryan's hand a squeeze and Ryan took a huge shaky breath.
"Well, damn. Wouldn't you guys miss me?" I asked, feeling a little tender.
Matt smiled and slapped the side of my head. "Of course we would, you big loon."
"Yeah." Ryan sighed and nodded.
"Okay. Because I was feeling a little jealous over here." I injected some humor. All of us managed a slight smile. "Those men weren't innocent, okay? And we were manipulated into doing it. It doesn't excuse it, I know. But the only thing that I'm relieved about when I think about everything, is that they're gone. That's what will help us live with ourselves. Live with this lake. Even if we're going to have to avoid 'seafood' for a while. And Tyler's an expert." I took a breath, keeping my fear of Tyler to myself. No need to trigger them further. "Those bodies aren't resurfacing any time soon. So, all we have to do is get through each day, lean on each other when it's too raw. And eventually, like everything else, it'll become easier."
"Yeah." Matt nodded.
"So." I took a gulp of air. "Why don't we head on inside and try to get some sleep?"
Matt helped me pull Ryan to his feet, the alcohol in his body making him triple in weight.
"You can cuddle with me if you want." Matt half snickered.
"In your dreams." Ryan rumbled.