31. Mila
Mila
“So, you guys had fun horseback riding, huh?” Lara asked with narrowed eyes.
“Yes, he just wanted to surprise me and clear the air,” I said as I looked around Ryker’s apartment to make sure it was clean and presentable for our first dinner party. “It was amazing.”
“Clear the air?” Lara cocked her head. “You mean because you’re in love with him and he’s an ass?”
“No.” I shook my head at her and sighed. “It’s been intense between us, and maybe I’ve been pushing it too much. Ryker never made any promises to me. I like him. He likes me. We’re having fun, and I’m helping him with a business deal. That’s it.”
“You’re having kinky sex with him, and you love him. That’s just a little bit more complicated than what you just said.” Lara put her hands on her hips and her lips thinned. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.” She sighed. “We both know that. But you’re telling yourself you’re fine because you want to be with him.”
“Lara, not tonight, please.”
“Fine.” She shrugged. “Not tonight. Tonight, we will have fun, but it’s something you need to think about seriously. The more you give of yourself, the more it’s going to hurt at the end.”
“So, you’re not even pretending that you think there’s going to be a good ending for me now?”
“What do I know?” She sighed again and gave me a weak smile. “I’m just worried for you. You know what they say about guys. Take them at their word. If he says he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want a serious relationship, well, that’s what he means.”
“Yeah,” I said and looked away from her, my heart pounding and my head starting to feel sad again.
“Ignore me.” She grabbed my hands and gave me a huge smile. “I’m just bitter because Parker doesn’t have the time of day for me.”
“Didn’t he call you last week?”
“Yeah, it was just some random call to talk about you.”
“Aw, he’s trying, though.” I gave her a weak smile, because I really didn’t know what else to say.
Why was Parker calling her? And did he know the depth of her feelings for him?
I knew that Ryker knew I loved him, but I didn’t know if he knew just how deeply I loved and adored him.
It was an embarrassing and scary thought, thinking he knew just how much I wanted him.
“How do I look?” Lara spun around in her cute, short black-and-white dress, and I grinned at her as she changed the subject.
“You look absolutely gorgeous, and you know it.”
“I do look pretty hot.” She giggled, flicked her hair behind her shoulders, and smiled at me, her bright red lips glistening on her glowing face.
Her big brown eyes were radiating confidence, and her eyelashes looked longer than I’d ever seen them with her new mascara.
Lara looked gorgeous, and I knew that she was hoping that Parker, when he arrived, would notice as well.
I didn’t know what to think about that. Parker was my brother, and I loved him, but I didn’t think he deserved someone like Lara, at least not the way he'd been treating her recently. She deserved an amazing man who would sweep her off her feet and show her she was his world, and I wasn’t sure if Parker was confident enough to be that man.
“You look amazing as well.” Lara grinned at me and then whistled. “Absolutely beautiful. Being engaged is really doing it for you. Have you also lost some weight?” She tilted her head.
“I’ve lost about ten pounds.” I nodded and sighed. “I haven’t been able to eat or sleep,” I admitted. “I haven’t been working out or dieting. I have all this nervous pent-up energy.”
“Oh, no.” Lara frowned and looked at me. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I guess I just feel so frustrated.” I lowered my voice.
“You know how much I love Ryker. You know that I want to be with him forever. You know that, well, he’s the one who has had my heart forever.
And, well, I feel like every day I spend with him, I fall deeper and deeper, but I also keep making a wider crack in my heart.
I don’t know how I’m going to survive after this ends.
” The empty, sinking feeling entered my stomach again, and I took a deep breath.
I could not cry now. I was fed up with crying.
And I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. Smeared mascara and eyeliner didn’t look good. At all.
“Oh, honey.” Lara’s eyes widened in response to what I’d said.
“You need to just leave him. You need to forget this whole arrangement. He’s not good for your heart.
I know you love him, but if he’s making you feel bad about yourself, he’s not worth it.
There will be other men, Mila. You are beautiful.
You are generous. You’re funny. Smart. Shit, you’re the perfect girl.
Any man would be happy to be with you. Trust me. You will fall for someone much better.”
“But none of them will be Ryker,” I said, my voice bleak.
“They will be better than Ryker.”
“There is no one better than Ryker.” I gulped. “He’s my everything.”
“But you’re not his everything,” Lara said softly, her face sympathetic. “Don’t you want a man who will make you his everything?”
“I just want Ryker to love me.”
“Oh, we’re messes.” Lara sighed and grabbed my hand. “How did we get to this place? Both of us in love with men who can’t seem to love us. What are we doing to ourselves?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to be single forever.” Lara’s lips pursed. “And I don’t want to be waiting on Parker forever either. What if it never happens? What if he never falls for me? What if I end up at fifty, never married, no kids, no loves, no nothing because I just waited around for him?”
“That won’t happen,” I said, but then as I spoke the words, I realized the same thing could happen to me.
What if I just waited around for Ryker to somehow fall in love with me and be okay with it?
How long would I wait? What if it never happened?
What if he fell in love with someone else while I was here waiting?
It would crush me, and even thinking about it made me feel sick.
Imagining him with someone else, falling in love, telling her he adored her, holding her close, kissing her—oh, God, that would kill me. I would be devastated.
“What are you thinking about, Mila?” Lara asked. “You look like you just found out someone died.”
“What if Ryker falls in love with someone else? Marries her? What if Ryker’s not the problem? What if it’s me? What if he just can’t fall in love with me because I’m not the one for him?”
“Let’s see how tonight goes, and then we should have a serious conversation. Neither of us can stay in these positions. It’s not healthy for us.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I need to talk to Ryker as well. I need to tell him some stuff, and I need to just be free to accept whatever happens next. I don’t want to be living in this emotional turmoil anymore.”
“Yeah, it’s not healthy,” Lara agreed. I know we were both wondering what it would take to get the other to step off the ledge.
“Well, don’t you two look pretty?” Ryker walked into the apartment and gave me a peck on the cheek. Then he walked over to Lara and hugged her. “Looks like I got home just in time.”
“Yeah, just in time to not cook anything.” I shook my head at him. “Lucky you.”
“Did you really want my help cooking?”
“No.” I laughed, and he grinned down at me, his eyes glowing.
“I’m just going to go and change quickly,” he said with a laugh and walked toward the bedroom. “I’ll be back.”
“Okay,” I said and looked at Lara, who was smiling.
“Don’t miss me too much,” he said with another laugh, and I shook my head at him.
“I’ll try not to.” I giggled and grabbed Lara’s hand. “Let’s go and get a drink. We deserve one.”
“I’m down for that,” she agreed, and we headed toward the kitchen. “So, Ryker seems like he is in a good mood.”
“Yeah, he does,” I agreed happily. “It’s been nice this past week.”
“That’s good.” She nodded. “How’s it been going with his business deal? Have you met many of the shareholders and partners? How’s his dad been?”
“To be honest, I haven’t really seen his dad or anyone else since that party.” I shrugged. “And every time I bring it up to Ryker, he changes the subject.”
“That’s weird.”
“Yeah, it is.” I nodded and held up a bottle of wine in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. “What’s your poison?”
“I need liquid courage tonight.” Lara grinned. “I’ll have a vodka-Sprite.”
“I think I’ll have the same.” I put the bottle of wine down. “So, yeah, I’m not really sure how it’s going.”
“Four weeks is going to be up soon, though; I’m guessing that this arrangement is going to last longer, then?”
“We haven’t really discussed it.” I shrugged, but I knew that I was hopeful inside. I was hopeful that it would last forever. Well, not the engagement. I was hoping the engagement would last long enough to become real and then we’d get married.
“I guess nothing’s happening yet?” she said uncertainly. “What about work? Are your parents doing better?”
“I don’t think so.” I sighed. “And I know they don’t want to tell Nonno and worry him.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t think so.” I shook my head. “That’s up to my parents.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But aren’t you the majority owner?”
“I don’t really like bringing that up.” I bit down on my lower lip. “And it’s not like it means much until I’m thirty anyway. That’s when the shares vest.”
“That just means that’s when you can access the money. You still have all the rights as majority shareholder, Mila.” Lara pursed her lips. “Maybe you should ask Ryker if he can give you some advice and help.”
“I don’t want to do that.” I shook my head. “It seems like it would be overstepping.”
“That’s not overstepping.” She sighed. “Maybe he can help.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Any word on Barbie?” she asked casually.
“I have no care to ever hear her name again.” I fake-gagged and handed Lara her drink before downing mine. “No care at all.”
“Yeah.” She laughed and downed her drink as well.
Ding-dong.